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Old 03-04-2018, 07:51 PM
 
Location: Atlanta
330 posts, read 926,241 times
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OK here is my dilemma. My daughter is 18, just started full time nursing school and lives at home. I pay for her brand new car with insurance, Food and cell phone.

She has been dating a 17 yr old boy that dropped out of high school for about a year. When she turned 18, she started staying over at his house quite often and his divorced mother lets them sleep in the same room. Im not happy about that at all. I noticed after a couple weeks that it was too much for my taste. I told her that as long as I am supporting her ( car,phone,food,room) she has to sleep at home 4 nights per week or more. ( i figured thats more than 50%). Im not really happy with any nights at his house but being that she is 18 I figured i would try and be reasonable. My wife is behind me with whatever I do.

Daughter pushes the limits every week and I have to remind her how many nights she has been gone. Tonight was a blowout with her wanting to go over there with no nights left.

What do you guys and gals think?
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Old 03-04-2018, 08:09 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,664 posts, read 64,140,481 times
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I'm wondering who these parents are, who buy a car for their kids. Is there no public transportation serving the nursing school in your town? And the boy dropped out of HS "for about a year"? Did he go back, and graduate? Or is he finishing HS now?
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Old 03-04-2018, 08:27 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,787,452 times
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My first thought is that she is never going to make it through a nursing program with that kind of social life. Who is paying for her schooling?

My second thought is that you are sending her mixed messages. If she can sleep with her boyfriend 3 nights, why not 7? I wouldn't be happy with the situation either, but since you've already decided you can accept her spending the night with him half the week, taking a stand over her sex life doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

On the other hand, if you resent her using you as an ATM while she completely blows off any responsibilities at home and school, that's a discussion worth having. I would continue the support you currently provide based on her agreeing to concentrate on school ( and show you her grades), and do any chores required as a member of the family.
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Old 03-04-2018, 08:57 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,477 posts, read 15,913,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
My first thought is that she is never going to make it through a nursing program with that kind of social life. Who is paying for her schooling?

My second thought is that you are sending her mixed messages. If she can sleep with her boyfriend 3 nights, why not 7? I wouldn't be happy with the situation either, but since you've already decided you can accept her spending the night with him half the week, taking a stand over her sex life doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

On the other hand, if you resent her using you as an ATM while she completely blows off any responsibilities at home and school, that's a discussion worth having. I would continue the support you currently provide based on her agreeing to concentrate on school ( and show you her grades), and do any chores required as a member of the family.
I agree.
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Old 03-04-2018, 09:16 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,034 posts, read 37,675,762 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
My second thought is that you are sending her mixed messages. If she can sleep with her boyfriend 3 nights, why not 7?
I agree with this. The number of days is arbitrary and the only way you find you can exert some control in this rapidly spiraling situation.

So ... to me, it's time to remind her that she doesn't get to be a child and and adult at the same time.

If she wants to make adult decisions, like sleeping over at a boyfriend's house, then she needs to take some adult responsibility. Have a sit-down and remind her of the very serious possibilities that could result from being part of a sexual relationship.

Let her know that you will not be taking on the responsibility of raising a baby that she might have. Show her the actual budget sheet for her expenses, and come up with SOMETHING that SHE is responsible for.

If you keep handing her everything, she won't have a clue how to make her own way, and that is not the goal of good parenting.

Do you know the other parents?
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Old 03-04-2018, 09:51 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,477 posts, read 15,913,707 times
Reputation: 38740
Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
OK here is my dilemma. My daughter is 18, just started full time nursing school and lives at home. I pay for her brand new car with insurance, Food and cell phone.

She has been dating a 17 yr old boy that dropped out of high school for about a year. When she turned 18, she started staying over at his house quite often and his divorced mother lets them sleep in the same room. Im not happy about that at all. I noticed after a couple weeks that it was too much for my taste.

I told her that as long as I am supporting her ( car,phone,food,room) she has to sleep at home 4 nights per week or more. ( i figured thats more than 50%). Im not really happy with any nights at his house but being that she is 18 I figured i would try and be reasonable. My wife is behind me with whatever I do.

Daughter pushes the limits every week and I have to remind her how many nights she has been gone. Tonight was a blowout with her wanting to go over there with no nights left.

What do you guys and gals think?
I've been thinking more about your problem.

Frankly, I do not know any parents that would allow their 18 year old child, while they were living at home and while they were supporting them, to spend the night at a boy friend or girl friend's house.
Now, it might be different if she was older (22 plus), graduated from college and working full time supporting herself but just living at home to save money or pay off loans. But, 18, especially dating a 17 year old, absolutely not.

My husband and I certainly would not have allowed it. My husband would have said "You decide. You can live at home and we will support you or you can move out and you can support yourself." (disclaimer, our children did not live at home and we did not support them. Our children went away for college, worked and took out many student loans---we only helped with some college expenses).

Is she keeping up with her studies? Are her grades acceptable? Is she helping around the house with all of her chores? If she has that much extra time to spend with her boyfriend perhaps she needs to get a part time job to help with her college expenses.

Another thing to consider is that she is probably not getting the "full college experience" of meeting new people, joining college clubs, doing college activities if she is so attached to a HS student. I would really be surprised if she stays in college. I suspect that she will drop out long before she graduates (possibly due to a pregnancy).
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Old 03-05-2018, 04:17 AM
 
1,438 posts, read 510,672 times
Reputation: 4749
I am not quite certain what your primary concern is:

the boy himself
that she is sexually active
that you are concerned about her grades
that you are paying for her car and phone and food
that she is grown and you are losing control over her


Who pays for her school?

You cannot change the boy himself, unfortunately. If you try too hard to break them up, she will cling to him more strongly. She is sexually active, accept it, and that can/will continue regardless of her nightime sleeping arrangements—encourage and facilitate birth control. Eighteen is not a child. She is not going to stop having sex. Speak frankly to her and tell her you won’t raise a child if she gets pregnant.

If her grades are suffering or you think they will suffer, you can talk with her about them and the impact of failing school will have on her life. Talk about what a good opportunity she has now and conditions will never be so favorable or easy for her again and she shouldn’t waste this.

It’s generous of you to be paying for her car and phone and food, but don’t hold them over her head and use them as blunt force weapons to try to control her sex life. Why does she have a brand new car instead of an older but serviceable one? If you want to pay for them, fine. If not, fine. Whose idea was it to pay for them in the first place? You are sending mixed signals. Does she have a job?

If this were my daughter, my main concern would be school and grades. As long as these were satisfactory and she doesn’t get pregnant, I would be content. She should still contribute to chores at home as a member of the family, because that is what family members do.

What does she say when you talk to her about this?

Last edited by Gusano; 03-05-2018 at 04:26 AM..
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Old 03-05-2018, 04:21 AM
 
506 posts, read 222,834 times
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I lived at home until I got married at 21. Until then my parents' stance was, "Our house, our rules". I had a curfew to obey.
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Old 03-05-2018, 05:00 AM
 
Location: Atlanta
330 posts, read 926,241 times
Reputation: 252
I appreciate all the responses. She does work part time which pays for her gas, and extras she needs. I know she is having sex, and I cant stop that. I just dont agree with the spending the night over there. My main concern is that I want her to live like shes 18 not 25 and of course not get pregnant.,

She asked me when she turned 18 if she could spend the night at her boyfriends house. I agreed, thinking it was one night and or once in a while. Then she started doing it regularly so I put a limit on it, thats how I got to 3 nights a week max. Id rather go back to zero but its too late for that now.

As far as nursing school, she just started 2 weeks ago so dont have any grades yet. I contributed about 25% of the cost of school and she is taking out loans for the rest.
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Old 03-05-2018, 05:47 AM
 
1,438 posts, read 510,672 times
Reputation: 4749
Quote:
Originally Posted by dnc19694339 View Post
I appreciate all the responses. She does work part time which pays for her gas, and extras she needs. I know she is having sex, and I cant stop that. I just dont agree with the spending the night over there. My main concern is that I want her to live like shes 18 not 25 and of course not get pregnant.,

She asked me when she turned 18 if she could spend the night at her boyfriends house. I agreed, thinking it was one night and or once in a while. Then she started doing it regularly so I put a limit on it, thats how I got to 3 nights a week max. Id rather go back to zero but its too late for that now.

As far as nursing school, she just started 2 weeks ago so dont have any grades yet. I contributed about 25% of the cost of school and she is taking out loans for the rest.

I think you are a generous parent and want the best for your daughter, but I still don’t understand why the spending the night or the number of nights at her boyfriend’s matters in and of itself at age eighteen. She will be having sex in any case, so does it really matter when and where? I think your expectation of being able to limit the number of nights is/was a bit nave. Trying to force the matter is going to lead, sooner or later, to the issuing of an ultimatum of some kind from one of you. The worst case scenario, IMHO, would be for her to move in with this kid completely and quit school. I don’t know her, of course, so I don’t know that she WOULD do that, but it occurs to me that it is within the realm of possibility

If she neglects her grades because of it, that is a different matter; then I could understand having concern. Decide what is most important to you and keep your focus on that—IOW, pick your battles. For me, that would be her school and emphasis on getting good grades (and not getting pregnant).

It seems to me that her being sexually active is a struggle for you to accept. I can appreciate that as I have two (now grown) sons.

I moved out of my parents’ house at age eighteen and was completely self-supporting, so it is a struggle for me to understand being limited at this age. The only thing upon which I myself would make my financial help contingent would be her grades and doing well at school. That is what I did with my sons. One went to nursing school and the other to a trade school. I considered them adults at eighteen and treated them as such.

Wishing you and your daughter success.

Last edited by Gusano; 03-05-2018 at 06:05 AM..
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