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Old 03-06-2018, 04:36 PM
 
2 posts, read 2,543 times
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My son has been best friends with a boy since first grade. It's a small school and they have been inseparable. I have always been there for the mom through her divorce, remarriage, birth of her new child, took her two boys when she remarried so she could go on a honeymoon. Then 2 years ago a new kid came to his school, the mother decided it was important to help this new family become acclimated to the school. I'm not a social friend of my son's best friend's mom...just another school Mom, etc....but I've been there for her at pivotal times over the past 8 years. This new woman became fast friends with this woman and tried to replace my son's friendship with her own son with this woman's son, my son's best friend. They started taking vacations, sleepovers. Not a problem. In school my son and his bestie are as thick as thieves and it's obvious they are best buddies. But my son made a few snide remarks to this other kid because he was interloping. The mother took exception, made a big fuss about it with my son's best friend's mother but nothing changed between the best buds or our ongoing relationship. So, the new woman took it to the next level by believing her son (who was trying to break up the friendship, too) when he told her very bad lies about my son, the son knowing full well that his mother would share it with my son's best friend's mother. They were the kind of lies not meant to be found out by anyone but they were. And the whole school knows he likes to tell tall tales. Even though they were disproven and my son's best friend confirmed that they weren't true, his mother chose to believe them in spite of everything and now doesn't want her son to have sleepovers with my son, something they've been doing several times a year since they were in first grade. Again, we never had an intimate, vacationing and dinner type of relationship, but the fact that this woman is trying to destroy my son's friendship with his best friend so she can insert her son in there is really hurting my son because of the reactions of my son's best friend's mother. How do I approach this as they have a big school trip overseas coming up, something the boys have been looking forward to for years, and I don't want it spoiled. And how do I address this with my son who is very hurt to think that his best friend's mother thinks he's a 'bad' kid? He knows this because his best friend was upset and told him.
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:11 PM
 
12,930 posts, read 19,812,959 times
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Good grief mother, step away. Kids don't own their friends. Perhaps if you and your son were more welcoming to the new family, it wouldn't have come to this. You don't approach it, you let the kids, who are now in 9th grade(?) work it out.

Last edited by Mattie; 03-06-2018 at 06:31 PM..
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:15 PM
Status: "Pit bulls have killed 22 people this year. BSL NOW!" (set 3 days ago)
 
1,150 posts, read 327,172 times
Reputation: 2977
Why has this been moved to the Connecticut forum?
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:28 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,261 posts, read 549,130 times
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This is a private school situation, isn't it? (The overseas trip kind of gives that away.)

If these boys are indeed in the 9th grade now, you need to bow out.

One thing that's very difficult no matter the circumstances is a triad of "best" friends whether kids or adults. Despite your efforts, you weren't actual friends with Mom #2 and she and Mom #3 hit it off big time. You don't have the "status" to object or to try to convince Mom #2 she's given into lies perpetrated by Mom #3. Plus, these are no longer first graders.

Let the boys work it out themselves.

You can tell your son that unfortunately things change in life, there are hard lessons to be learned, and that "life isn't fair" but that he should continue to be himself and hang out with his friend when he can.
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Old 03-06-2018, 07:46 PM
 
2 posts, read 2,543 times
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Wow. Mattie, you made a lot of assumptions in there. We have always been very friendly and welcoming to the other family. The kids are in 8th grade and sadly, it's a very small class so what would work comfortably in a larger class where water can seek its own level and the kids can hash things out themselves doesn't fly here because every student is constantly under a microscope. Not my cup of tea but class sizes have shrunk to barely (financially) survivable levels. I've always been the stand back Mom other than helping out (again, not a friendship issue here at all), but unfortunately others were not standing back so there really is no place to hide as everyone is constantly in the spotlight. And there in lies the issue. The other boy doesn't work it out (the one who tells lies), he brings in his mother always. So, it always ends up between the mothers. And because I haven't engaged at that level it's become difficult. As for telling my son about life's lessons, it was the first thing on the agenda because life isn't fair, he has to take the high road and enjoy his best friend, who will remain a best friend if this is what he wants because parents can't legislate how kids feel about one another. They can just make it difficult to be together. I'm just troubled that he has a false target on his back in an unfair fight against parents. Kids he could work it out with, but parents, he's not equipped for that. And that brings me back full circle: with a major event coming up, the culmination of their schooling, with my son hurt based upon falsehoods and unable to resolve with the kids because the parents are creating the issue, do I say anything?
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Old 03-06-2018, 08:14 PM
 
12,930 posts, read 19,812,959 times
Reputation: 33967
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsNotEasy View Post
Wow. Mattie, you made a lot of assumptions in there. We have always been very friendly and welcoming to the other family. The kids are in 8th grade and sadly, it's a very small class so what would work comfortably in a larger class where water can seek its own level and the kids can hash things out themselves doesn't fly here because every student is constantly under a microscope. Not my cup of tea but class sizes have shrunk to barely (financially) survivable levels. I've always been the stand back Mom other than helping out (again, not a friendship issue here at all), but unfortunately others were not standing back so there really is no place to hide as everyone is constantly in the spotlight. And there in lies the issue. The other boy doesn't work it out (the one who tells lies), he brings in his mother always. So, it always ends up between the mothers. And because I haven't engaged at that level it's become difficult. As for telling my son about life's lessons, it was the first thing on the agenda because life isn't fair, he has to take the high road and enjoy his best friend, who will remain a best friend if this is what he wants because parents can't legislate how kids feel about one another. They can just make it difficult to be together. I'm just troubled that he has a false target on his back in an unfair fight against parents. Kids he could work it out with, but parents, he's not equipped for that. And that brings me back full circle: with a major event coming up, the culmination of their schooling, with my son hurt based upon falsehoods and unable to resolve with the kids because the parents are creating the issue, do I say anything?
Any assumptions were due to this sentence:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsNotEasy View Post
But my son made a few snide remarks to this other kid because he was interloping.
It isn't interloping to try and make friends as the new kid in school.

It's unfortunate that despite your sons being friends for 8 years you don't feel you can call the other mother to talk. If the other boy is a liar, your son's friend will eventually come to that conclusion himself.
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Old 03-06-2018, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Sandy Hook
80 posts, read 105,745 times
Reputation: 122
TL;DR...paragraphs are your friend......
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Old 03-06-2018, 08:19 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
10,647 posts, read 3,324,377 times
Reputation: 12754
I'm sorry, but as much as it sucks I agree that this is not your battle. Your son needs to step up and talk to his BFF about the situation. The only thing I "might" do as a parent is send a quick text or make a comment to the parent that your son is really looking forward to the school trip with his friend and you are really happy that he can share the experience with their child. Maybe that would start a conversation about what has been going on, but again it's really not your battle, but since you have known the mom for so long I don't see a problem saying something like that.


If it was me I'd advise your child to be friendly with the new kid during the trip just to keep the peace. Your child will be in high school next year, will they be going to the same H.S? Many new friendships are made in H.S. and as much as it sucks, friendships end and new ones begin. That's just life.
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Old 03-06-2018, 08:41 PM
 
905 posts, read 815,018 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Wallace View Post
TL;DR...paragraphs are your friend......
that was painful to try to read, so thank you
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Old 03-06-2018, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Texas
6,575 posts, read 2,377,384 times
Reputation: 14049
Eventually, many best friends drift apart. Let your son know, it's good to not cling on too tightly with a best buddy.

Talking to someone else's BF doesn't make the child an "interloper". We can't own our best friends, they are free to have other friends or hang out with other kids. There's nothing wrong with it.


It might be best for your son if he works on making other friends and broadening his social circle. That way, he won't be devastated if & when this friendship goes in a different direction.
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