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Unread 03-24-2008, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Kent County, DE
682 posts, read 1,747,290 times
Reputation: 390
Quote:
Originally Posted by flindras View Post
There is no solution except what the sons themselves decide. For some reason, boys are hit harder by divorce, and if the father left the home, for whatever reason, the boys blamed him, and they are probably protective of their mothers as sons usually are.
But they are not boys now. They are grown men with children of their own. Can't they put themselves in their father's place and also see how they are depriving their children of a wonderful grandfather and themselves too? It's been going on for so long now. We married 9 years ago. Just once couldn't the boys say to their mom it's time to get on with her life? The one remaining son remains neutral and has respect for both of his parents. We admire him for that as that is the way it should be. The others were unfair in that they only would listen to their mom and didn't care about the heartache felt by their father.
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Unread 03-24-2008, 10:03 PM
b75
 
951 posts, read 2,095,619 times
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I think if 3 adults are all choosing to cut off ties with their father there may honestly be a reason. I'm going to guess that you may never learn what that reason is though. I think the best thing you can do is be a supportive wife to your husband as far as being sympathetic to his frustrations & helping him enjoy the grandchildren he does see. Chances are there is a lot of history here that you will never be aware of as people tend to have a skewed point of view as to how things unfolded in the past. I would not suggest you contact his other sons though; I think their decisions need to be respected whether they are considered right or wrong.
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Unread 03-24-2008, 10:07 PM
 
774 posts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by from PA View Post
But they are not boys now. They are grown men with children of their own. Can't they put themselves in their father's place and also see how they are depriving their children of a wonderful grandfather and themselves too? It's been going on for so long now. We married 9 years ago. Just once couldn't the boys say to their mom it's time to get on with her life? The one remaining son remains neutral and has respect for both of his parents. We admire him for that as that is the way it should be. The others were unfair in that they only would listen to their mom and didn't care about the heartache felt by their father.
That's because you believe that because people are adults, they are mature. Wounds last even in adulthood and though you would hope they would behave differently, it doesn't usually happen when it's that severe. The longer they stay away, the more out of touch they are which it becomes a habit and becomes much harder to reunite. I'm speaking from my own experience. It's very sad but what your husband must do is move past and if his sons change their minds, the door is always open.
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Unread 03-24-2008, 10:14 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,545 posts, read 20,563,120 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by b75 View Post
I think if 3 adults are all choosing to cut off ties with their father there may honestly be a reason. I'm going to guess that you may never learn what that reason is though. I think the best thing you can do is be a supportive wife to your husband as far as being sympathetic to his frustrations & helping him enjoy the grandchildren he does see. Chances are there is a lot of history here that you will never be aware of as people tend to have a skewed point of view as to how things unfolded in the past. I would not suggest you contact his other sons though; I think their decisions need to be respected whether they are considered right or wrong.
I think there has to be MORE to the story. I know you want to believe your husband is and always had been a wonderful person but there has to be MORE going on here. If your husband is not at fault then why hasn't he gone and sat down face to face with his sons? Knock on their door one day and force a sit down.
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Unread 03-24-2008, 10:44 PM
b75
 
951 posts, read 2,095,619 times
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I tend to agree with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
I think there has to be MORE to the story. I know you want to believe your husband is and always had been a wonderful person but there has to be MORE going on here. If your husband is not at fault then why hasn't he gone and sat down face to face with his sons? Knock on their door one day and force a sit down.
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Unread 03-24-2008, 11:01 PM
 
Location: Kent County, DE
682 posts, read 1,747,290 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
I think there has to be MORE to the story. I know you want to believe your husband is and always had been a wonderful person but there has to be MORE going on here. If your husband is not at fault then why hasn't he gone and sat down face to face with his sons? Knock on their door one day and force a sit down.
He made many attempts at discussions with his sons years ago and for a while things were fine. Just have no clue what could have happened to the others. The mother is bitter about the divorce to this day. This is the problem not anything my husband did or said. We've been told as much from relatives who know the family well. Nobody can figure out the hold the mother has on the sons.
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Unread 03-24-2008, 11:57 PM
b75
 
951 posts, read 2,095,619 times
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Well I think your only role in this is to be the sympathetic wife. Bottom line though is even though you are sad to see your husband unhappy; it isn't your place to get involved or try to open up a diologue. And if he has tried to in the past & in his sons are resistant then their wishes need to be respected. There is a very good chance that there may be more here then you realize or that your husband may even accurately remember. Memories are very funny things & tend to favor the person who is having the recollection. Regardless his sons are adults & you just need to let them go. If they choose to re-establish contact in the future that is up to them.


Quote:
Originally Posted by from PA View Post
He made many attempts at discussions with his sons years ago and for a while things were fine. Just have no clue what could have happened to the others. The mother is bitter about the divorce to this day. This is the problem not anything my husband did or said. We've been told as much from relatives who know the family well. Nobody can figure out the hold the mother has on the sons.
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Unread 03-25-2008, 09:59 AM
 
2,813 posts, read 3,624,482 times
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I can see something similar happening in the future regarding my ex husband and our two daughters.

Basically, it was/is HIS responsibility to communicate with his children and he failed miserably......from not calling to not even taking them for his time with them. He never ever took them for a full weekend, usually less than 24 hours total and that was only after our divorce was finalized. That only lasted for a few months, along with his paying child support to them. If he took them to see his family they stayed no more than 2 hours and this happened maybe 2 times a year and they only live 20 minutes away! He didn't bother to call them on their birthdays much less send them even a card. He only attended one of their high school graduations and with that one never contacted her, we only knew he was there because his parents told us he had been!

I never disparaged him in front of our girls, never was bitter because I was actually so relieved for him to be gone when he left us! They were 11 and 15 at the time and it didn't take long for them to realize his shortcomings all on their own.

So.....10 years later, they don't care what he has to say. He left them when he left me. He didn't communicate with them and didn't stay involved in their lives. They became bitter towards him because of how he treated THEM and he earned that status all by himself.

My second daughter graduates from college this spring and he isn't being invited. My oldest didn't invite him to her college graduation either. They both say, why bother? He doesn't care about me daily, why should he be a part of my big day?

I imagine that if either marries in the next few years he might not be included there...all because of his actions over the last 10 years.

The only way that will change is if HE makes an effort to become part of their life in a serious, interested, truly caring way before then.

He currently lives with a gal who has actually said to my girls...'you could call us you know, we're in the phone book and only live about 10 minutes away'. As if it's 'their' responsibility as the children to do the calling. Nope. That's not how it works.
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Unread 03-25-2008, 11:12 AM
 
1,623 posts, read 3,927,862 times
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If your husband is so broken up over this, why isn't he posting? You need to stop being codependent and realize it's his problem and his job to find a solution.
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Unread 03-25-2008, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Kent County, DE
682 posts, read 1,747,290 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orrmobl View Post
If your husband is so broken up over this, why isn't he posting? You need to stop being codependent and realize it's his problem and his job to find a solution.

My husband has no knowledge that I'm posting here.
I was just trying to get an opinion from someone with a similar situation. I would do anything to help my husband through this but wanted a general opinion about my role. I will continue to support him without interference. I do know that when he first left, he called every day to talk to the sons and they were not given the messages. After a long while he finally gave up. He was never a deadbeat dad, or husband for that matter, and was extremely proactive in their upbringing. The youngest suffered the most, I'm sure of that but the mother kept him isolated from the truth. That is putting it as nicely as I can.
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