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Old 11-18-2008, 09:26 AM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,503 posts, read 13,206,355 times
Reputation: 3887
Quote:
Originally Posted by carlitasway View Post
The problems are hardly melted away. Even if things went well in your eyes, I promise you the past is not gone and forgotten. Children don't just disown their parents for nothing, especially multiple children. My siblings and I don't talk to our father. I have completely disowned him. My siblings are still on the fence about it. My father does a great job of making people feel sorry for him and making us out to be evil ungreatful children. We don't like it but we know the truth and how he really is. I know it is safer to keep him out of my life and my children's lives. I don't regret it.
Yup. that's how it goes.

The kids don't talk to him and he pretends like HE is the victim. "Woe is me. What did I ever do but love my children? How could they do this to me?"

Stay married to him long enough and you'll find out.
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Old 11-18-2008, 01:00 PM
 
2,030 posts, read 2,680,106 times
Reputation: 3761
Quote:
My father does a great job of making people feel sorry for him and making us out to be evil ungreatful children. We don't like it but we know the truth and how he really is. I know it is safer to keep him out of my life and my children's lives. I don't regret it.
I'm in this boat, too. Twelve years ago, when I was in my mid-20s, I decided that I was a happier, healthier person when I wasn't in contact with my father. So I stopped talking to him. And that seemed fine with him...he didn't try to stay in contact with me, didn't try to keep things going. Which isn't much of a surprise, as he made it clear throughout my entire life that I was a huge disappointment to him. I know that my father and his wife like to blame my mother. They like to say that my mom turned me and my brother against our father. All I can say is, no, he did that all by himself by being an abuser and an alcoholic, by being constantly critical and unreliable and deliberately cruel. But of course he doesn't remember it that way at all -- substance abusers tend to employ revisionist history that paints them as the poor, mistreated victims.

Kids don't "disown" their parents unless they have good reason to do so. I hope it's true that the OP's husband has grown up in his old age, and that he's now the great guy that he's purported to be. I totally believe that's possible. People change. But it sounds like he had his chance at being a father to his kids and he blew it. It's not up to him now whether or not his grown sons want to have a relationship with their old man. It's up to those sons.

(Although truly it sounds like what the OP and her husband REALLY wanted was to have a relationship with the grandkids. Sounds like it's not about the man's relationship with his sons at all so much as he just wants the opportunity to be a granddad. How nice for him. He failed at being a parent, but now he wants the opportunity to be a grandparent? It shouldn't be allowed to work that way. *shakes head* My cynicism runs deep.)
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Old 11-19-2008, 08:51 PM
 
Location: northern Virginia
204 posts, read 365,392 times
Reputation: 117
Best of luck to the original poster of this thread, I hope things continue to work out. You sound like a caring and decent person. Much like my stepmother.

I was going to post speaking from the point of view of someone in a similar situation as her stepsons. I am one of 6 kids my parents had and I am the only daughter. My parents divorced 20 yrs ago (when I was in my 20's)and my dad has been remarried to a now for 6 years. In our case it was my mom who initiated the divorce after years of an unhappy, controlling and verbally abusive marriage. She has not remarried nor remained bitter towards our father.

Without going into great detail, I will say that all of us children have had difficulties with our father at various times throughout our lives. Though he and I currently are in contact, we have had 2-3 year time periods of no contact. Similar with several of my brothers.

My father's wife is a lovely lady who seems happy with him. He is a lucky man to have found her. Though she has two grown children + grandchildren of her own, she does try to keep some type of relationship between my dad and us kids, but it isn't easy. I will say that she's only known him for 8 years....people do change a bit as they get older - but not completely. His life is far less stressful now than when he was younger raising 6 kids, chasing a career, etc. Having that behind you is bound to mellow you out. The original poster, as well as my stepmother, can't possibly know what her husband was really like and what transpired for years when she wasn't there. There are two sides to every story.

All I can say to sum up, is best of luck again, but it really is up to HIM to work on his relationship with his sons, not the new wife.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Kent County, DE
682 posts, read 1,819,899 times
Reputation: 392
I am the Op. I must say that I was unaware that this thread had been resurrected. I am very pleased to say that my husband and his sons have reconciled. It was just amazing how the problems that caused the estrangement have just melted away. I will not go into details on this forum, but the incidents that caused this separation were minor things that were blown way out of proportion. My husband is still the mild mannered and gentleman he was when the children were young. In their young minds, they thought they had reason to turn against him but now as adults, they realize that he was not the bad guy. They were not used to their dad standing up for his rights. Now they understand why. This holiday season going to be is the best it has ever been for all of us.
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Old 08-05-2012, 05:41 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,139 times
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I was married in 1986 for 5 years had 2 kids. Divorced in 1992 and remarried 1996. I have 2 new kids with second wife and have been married happily for 15 years. My oldest from my first marriage asked the court house judge to have nothing to do with me moving forward, my response was so let it be written so let it be done "God will decide" when we are all judged one day. I have moved on with my wife and will continue to love the kids that I see everyday from my second marriage. I have written instructions that if I die to have my 2 son's from my first marriage not attend my funeral as they never respected me in life. I think this is a fair statement?
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Old 08-05-2012, 08:28 PM
Status: "Never have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed." (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
22,724 posts, read 14,333,680 times
Reputation: 28228
you are saying a 5 year old told a judge he didn't want anything to do with you and you agreed? That is so wrong. They are your children no matter what a very young child might have said and no matter what you think your ex wife might have said to turn him. That story of yours is sad to the nth degree. So this is where all those bitter people come from who cannot commit or truly be free from bitterness. Good to know.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:36 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,230 posts, read 15,037,369 times
Reputation: 10738
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
you are saying a 5 year old told a judge he didn't want anything to do with you and you agreed? That is so wrong. They are your children no matter what a very young child might have said and no matter what you think your ex wife might have said to turn him. That story of yours is sad to the nth degree. So this is where all those bitter people come from who cannot commit or truly be free from bitterness. Good to know.
Young children are not responsible for the decisions they make in a divorce situation so they shouldn't make them. That a father would write off a child this young is telling that the father didn't want the child in his life to begin with. He wanted a clean break...to start over with his new wife...

Adult children, after they've had the chance to figure things out are another story. Dh has one of those. Dh didn't see him growing up because his mother kept fighting visitation (across state lines and we didn't have the money to take it to a federal level or move to where she was). I told dh to give him the only thing he could. A home where he was without the drama.

When he was an adult, he contacted dh, and the reason she fought so hard was revealed. She had lied to him and told him that his two brothers, who dh had custody of, were really his half brothers and not her children. All three boys are hers. She had lied to him and to her husband at the time about having two other children she just left behind. Even after learning that his mother had lied all those years, this son turned his back on dh. That is his choice. He is excluded from both of our wills.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:38 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,230 posts, read 15,037,369 times
Reputation: 10738
Quote:
Originally Posted by sorrenti01 View Post
I was married in 1986 for 5 years had 2 kids. Divorced in 1992 and remarried 1996. I have 2 new kids with second wife and have been married happily for 15 years. My oldest from my first marriage asked the court house judge to have nothing to do with me moving forward, my response was so let it be written so let it be done "God will decide" when we are all judged one day. I have moved on with my wife and will continue to love the kids that I see everyday from my second marriage. I have written instructions that if I die to have my 2 son's from my first marriage not attend my funeral as they never respected me in life. I think this is a fair statement?
How old was your son when he made this request? What about the other son? IMO, this is kind of harsh for children who don't deal with divorce situatinos well. You are still their father and you still have an obligation to them. You are the adult.
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:41 PM
 
578 posts, read 351,210 times
Reputation: 627
There's more to this story. Grown men don't just hang up Dad because their Mom says too ...
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Old 08-05-2012, 09:43 PM
Status: "Humming "Suicide is painless"" (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,230 posts, read 15,037,369 times
Reputation: 10738
Quote:
Originally Posted by deliz View Post
There's more to this story. Grown men don't just hang up Dad because their Mom says too ...
ITA. These kids were old enough at the time of the divorce to remember the divorce and they're old enough now to be able to sort out truth from lies when it comes to their parents. There's more to this than mom talked them into ditching dad.
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