Anyone here grow up with a mother that wasn't loving and nurturing? (parents, daughter)

[steiconi]

My mom played favorites; 6 kids, and I was the one she liked least and treated the worst. I think it's because I look a lot like her younger sisters, whom she resented deeply.

Well, I outlived her and didn't go to her funeral, so I guess I got the last word.

[49erfan916]

My mother passed away since 2012 so I am still fragile. Since she's gone, I don't like to talk ill about her at all...as I feel it's disrespectful. And like what Rocko said in his post, my mom did the absolute best she can given her resources. I didn't have a dad growing up, and to this day, I still don't know what happened to him, or if he's alive, or what caused him to "leave." (or was he kicked out from our lives?)

My mother sacrificed alot to give me the life I have today. She use to commute 2 hours each way to put food on the table and was an awesome provider. But since this is a NURTURING thread, I feel like I have to be honest.

She was NOT nurturing during my formative years. When I was a kid, I felt like she was very quick to anger, and at times, take it out on me. I don't want to say she was abusive, but a lot of people may claim that she was. To this day, I feel like the "punishment" that I received wasn't deserving and was too harsh. And for some reason, my uncle and my cousins (his sons) stopped talking to us. All of us were semi-close and all of a sudden, I didn't see them anymore. That happened a lot with my family members. I was close to them as a kid, and when I got older, they stopped coming around and we stopped visiting. Also, I wasn't allowed to have ANY friends come over my house...for some unknown reason. She hated it when I asked her if I can bring a friend home to play, and sometimes, lose her temper. When I was 10 years old, I was the new kid in town but no one was allowed to be in my house. Yes, I got all the video games, toys, cable tv channels that I can ever dream of but I had no friends to share it with. (I was the only child too) I felt isolated a lot of the time, and since she didn't get home til 6pm, I use to sneak friends over my house and had to kick them out at 5:55. That's when I "broke her rules" for selfish gains.

From the age of 11-19, I had to sneak around and do certain things. On Christmas day 2001, my much older cousin invited me to watch the basketball game with him and I wanted to go. My mother, who was also invited, didn't want to go over their house.We had absolutely nothing planned. In fact, she was in her room and I was in my room playing my new video game console. Her and I wasn't speaking to each other. We weren't mad at each other. It was just how we were during that time. So you can understand that a 17 year old kid wanted to do something on xmas. So I asked her if I can go to watch the game with them and I got a snarky, "NO." I asked her why and she rolled her eyes and went back to her room...no explanation given. I didn't know why she didn't want me go. We had NOTHING PLANNED for xmas. . Since I wanted to go and I didn't get an explanation, I decided to sneak out to my cousin's house, and when I came home later that day, she yelled at me in front of my cousin. While I "broke" the rule, I felt like her reaction was an over exaggeration. After my cousin left, I asked her why did she get so mad and she said, "you left me here, all alone, on christmas, and you didn't consider how it made me feel." Even though I felt bad, I wish she would have told me how she felt BEFORE I decided to sneak out the house. When she tells me "no" or "don't do it", I ask her why not, and she just rolls her eyes, or better yet, "because I said so." While those responses may have worked well for an adolescent, it does not work well for a rebellious teenager.

I remember she had this passive-aggressive behavior about her. If she asked me to do a favor for her and if I didn't want/couldn't to the favor for her at that time she said it was ok. Then later on that night, I asked her if I can do that favor for her and she tells me "no, it's ok." But the next day, she'll "forget" to record my favorite shows or pick up my favorite food from the store. I know she was teaching me a lesson...a lesson that I was being ungrateful, but a little boy doesn't understand passive aggressive behavior. (she was doing this since I was 11 years old) With the combination of those things, i felt like that damaged my relationship with my mother. I felt like I couldn't trust her. Before the age of 20, I didn't like her at all. I actually wished ill on her a few times. I remembered she pissed me off so much that I wrote on a piece of paper that I hope that she would die, over and over again. I was so angry at her. I called this time frame (age 5-19) the dark times.

On valentine days 2004, she suffered an aneurysm. One minute she was talking, and the next minute, BOOM. She hit the floor. With miracle surgery and extensive rehab, she was able to recover--somewhat. But this is the first time where I seen her vulnerable and weak. I truly believe that this near death experience changed how she treated me. She was much nicer and gentle with me, and for the most part, she spoke to me with respect. When she told me ''no'' or advised me not to do a certain thing, she actually took the time to explain herself to me. She even tried to take an interest in my personal life and give me advice. While she had some behavior of the "old mother", the "new mother" was way more pleasant to be around. Needless to say, any ill-will I had for her disappeared the moment she had her aneurysm. Even though she was more gentle and vulnerable with me, unfortunately for her, I already became an ******* and I shunned her from my life. When she needed me around after her surgery, I was selfishly getting loaded with my friends. At times, I totally neglected her. When she needed me to become the adult, I was no where to be found. And I don't think I neglected her because I had resentment towards her--I was addicted to drinking and made some life bad choices. Ironically, the roles were reversed. I was the "monster" and she was "dependent" on me. But I failed her miserably.

During my teenage years, I made some pretty **** poor choices and those choices followed me until my very late 20's. I never once came to my mom for help. I really felt like she would've beaten the **** out of me, literally. She was quick to anger but she offered no solutions. And while it wasn't an excuse to act up so badly, the teenager logic that I had said, "keep drinking. It's ok." As a grown ass male, I look back and I wish I would allow her to be more active in my personal life. Despite my difference I had with her, she was pretty f'n wise and sharp. However, I shielded her from my personal life.....dating, drugs, grades. I didn't want her to see me change for the worse so I kept it a secret. Maybe out of fear, maybe because I didn't want her to be disappointed in me, maybe because I didn't like her. Whatever the cause,I kept it from her. Looking back at it, I knew that was a mistake. And when she was able to go back to work and become self-sufficient again, that's when I realized I became a monster.

I would say between the years of 2006-2010, I became really busy. I had school, work, a long-term girlfriend, and other responsibilities to take care of. For some reason, my mom kept to herself. She never dated or went out with friends. She stayed to herself and isolate herself in her room/house. However, there were a few times where she confided in me that she was lonely. And what did I do? I told her to "do something." Meaning get out of the house and don't tell me that you're lonely. At that time, I had ample friends and we use to go out to clubs and bars, etc. I had a full time job and as a full time student. I had a relationship that demanded a lot of my time. So I couldn't fathom someone becoming lonely. So everytime she told me she was lonely, I gave her the cold shoulder. Now I look back on how I acted and it breaks my heart that I was so cold towards her.

Then in 2011, she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and the probability of her living was slim-to-none. Keep in mind, the people that she "shielded" me from as a kid, I didn't talk to as an adult. She didn't want me to tell ANYONE that she was dying. To this day, I have certain family members that hate me for not telling them that my mom was sick. But I never told them that I was instructed to keep things private. From 2004-2011, it was just me and her and she liked it that way. While she was more loving and comforting, she didn't truly know me. When we spoke, the conversation was very generic or I gave her the cold shoulder. Our conversations wasn't anything of substance. And to this very day, I have massive regret over that. HOWEVER, when she needed me this time around, I was more active, more available, and more willing to be there. I thank God that He gave me a year to "make things right" and for the most part, I think I have...at least the best of my ability. But I had some DEEP AND DARK skeletons in my closet that I never felt comfortable sharing with her. Her and I NEVER had that bond where we can confide in each other. And I do regret to say that it's mostly my fault. When she was willing to open up, I turned away because I felt uncomfortable. She was once the massive authoritarian figure, and when she got older and weaker, she tried to form a substantive relationship with me, and I failed miserably. But at least I was there for her dying days....at least the best way I know how.

Since it's been 5+ years since she's passed, I realized how much she meant to me. I still cry over how I never had a "real relationship" with my mom. While she wasn't nurturing and warm in my formative years, she gave her best to give me what I needed and gave me what I want in terms of stuff and toys. She wasn't a terrible person..but she was a person who took on too much and didn't ask for any help. (This is where I get my pride and stubbornness from) I hate to say this, but I am closer to my family members now since my mom died. I also know my mom's dad and mom very well. (my grandparents) And her mom was very nurturing to me and her dad was "cool" with me but not very nurturing. Both my mom and uncle said that he was an abusive man. I PERSONALLY didn't see it but there is something to be said that my own uncle hasn't visited his grave site in the 5+ years that he has been gone. (he died 3 months before my mom did)

I have learned a lot from my mistakes. I see a lot of her in me....the good and the bad. The bad I will try to fix and improve on but she was a lot of good. Despite the post, she was more good than bad and I loved her for it. She could had easily put me in a foster home or had an abortion. But instead, she took on an insurmountable task of raising an educated black child in suburbia..all by herself. And while I do have some scars of some of the pain she put me through, I attribute all of my success to her. Was she a good role model? For the most part, yes. But was she nurturing and loving during my formative years? No, she was not. But God rest her soul.

[JanND]

Originally Posted by Coldjensens

My sister on the other hand became increasingly bitter and began believing an exaggerated horrible version of what Mom was like. Although she as on good terms with the nice version of Mom, she apparently never believed she had been cured of whatever made her crazy. Unknown to any of us, she was filled with bitterness and hate toward mom (or maye that developed later, who knows) then she directed that bitterness first towards one of my brothers, then towards my dad, then towards me and my kids (she was always jealous of the sisters in law and that grew to outright hatred form the get go). Now that bitterness and hatred has swallowed her completely. Her former extremely caring, empathetic, thoughtful, personality is gone and replaced by bitterness and hate. It is all she can talk about and all she thinks about. Mom died nine years ago. My sister's only comment was her one regret was never had the opportunity to tell Mom off and express what an awful mother she was during that time. She lost no time telling my dad all the hurtful things she could think of, not wanting to miss the opportunity in case he died before she could properly torment him. Oddly she told her exaggerated version of childhood horror so many times she believed it was true, even though those of us who were also there knew it was exaggerated, she did not. We instantly learned not to say anything though.

Now she can barely function. She cannot communicate with any member of the family except my older brother without devolving into seething hate. Her conversations consist of saying the most hurtful things she can think of to say to us, and if it does not work, searching for other things to say until she finds something hurtful. With me, she stopped speaking altogether a couple of years ago. last time I called her, her husband talked to me ont he speaker phone for an hour and my sister just sat and said not one word. Then she took to posting nastiness about me and my wife and kids on Facebook. It is sad. My sister was a great person. Now she is just a seething ball of hate, all over things that happened forty years ago.

I still love my sister but I cannot talk with her (she will not speak to me anyway). It is a shame, she was such a great person and very important to me. I doubt I will ever see her or talk to her again. Some years of bad Mom-ing can totally destroy a person for life apparently.

I wonder if your sister may have the same imbalance that you mother had.

[bondaroo]

My mom did the best with what she had. She lived with neglectful, alcoholic parents until she was 9 or so. Then her mom threw her dad out and her mom put her in foster care. The foster mom was tough and my mom resented her treatment, until as an adult she realized how much she owed her. They had been in contact all along, but they became much closer until the foster mom`s death.

My parents both had less than stellar childhoods, and agreed when they got married that they were going to "make a family neither of them had". So my parents were both super involved and did all the things on the surface. But my mom was never comfortable in her skin, and was often critical of me out of anxiety. She wanted nothing more for me than to be a "normal" girl, because she knew how hard it was growing up on the outside of things. It stressed her that I grew up not concerned about that stuff. So we had conflict. But I know my mom tried with all her heart.

[phonelady61]

After reading all these I'm so glad to see I'm not the only one. I don't think my mom had any care for me at all and she also made my lil sister her favorite and me and my brother were the odd ones as she often called us . I remember one incident imparticular , it was parents night at school and my teacher came up and introduced herself and she was talking about a play we were going to do and she asked me if I was excited to do the mouse part and as soon as she said that , this look came across my mothers face and I said to the teacher " I think you have made a mistake I did not sign up for the play , well she walked away to get her book and mother took her fingernails which were long at that time and laid them into me and got me out of that class room quick . You see my mother had this look when she was mad and you knew she was getting ready to give it to you really good . I still have the scars from that incident . Now my dad he would just tell us " don't make her mad at you guys , you know how she is . I always resented my dad because he would allow her to abuse us . She would throw things at us like Tupperware bowls , and anything else she could get in her hands while mad . Some people say she suffered from an imbalance , I will never believe that . I think she was just stone cold person and had no love in her . I used to watch her hit my dad right in the face and him just walk away and take it and she would call him names and if one of us happen to be home Lord have mercy on our souls . I know she drew blood on me and my brother a couple of times . My brother got to be a teenager and he was having stomach pains and my dad took him to the dr they found out he had an ulcer and the dr said that is was probably from spicy food . Later as an adult the dr told my brother he most likely suffered from stress from my mothers abuse and my brother died at 45 his heart gave out guess he had , too much of what my mother like to dish out . I will never forgive my father for allowing her to do this to us . Also I don't talk to my sister and most likely never will again because she continued to have a relationship with our mother right up until our mother passed and asked me and my brother to go to her funeral nope sorry cant . My mother and my father are gone now and I hope my father knows what a disappointment he was to me and I'm sure my mother could care less how I felt about her .

[animalcrazy]

My mother was a dumb as a box of rocks and an alcoholic. We tolerated each other until I could escape before my 20th birthday. I didn't see her for three years before she died when I was around 30. I barely saw her after I left home. We were never close, and I never shed a tear when she died. She loved my brother though. She kept him crippled and at home until the day she died.

[redguitar77111]

My mom is/was abusive.

[49erfan916]

I aint gonna lie. Getting this off my chest made me feel a lot better.

[JrzDefector]

Well, if you want to know my story, search some of my posts, OP. I'm in therapy and have cut off contact with my mother. I'm doing great mentally right now after a really rocky period last year, but I'm scared to stop therapy because my mother could insert herself into my life at any moment. Her last communication with me was a very angry (and according to my friends, downright nutty) letter that put all the blame on me for not being happy with our relationship, and she sent it after I had informed her that I was not doing well and was in a constant spiral of anxiety and depression. By the time I received the letter, I was fortunately in a turnaround - my issues had been caused by a Vitamin D deficiency that meant 6 months of falling apart was reversed after two high-dose pills. Go figure.

In any case, once I realized she was never going to hear me and was only going to lash out at me, even when she knew I was in a fragile state, I decided it was time to drop her. It's been no big loss.

[barak67]

I didn't lose my mom but I always felt growing up that my mom was lost. She didn't have a great childhood and it showed in the way that she responded to us children when under stressful situations. Later in life she made peace with her own mother and thus became a more relaxed person herself. I think its important to remember as stated previously that all parents were once children and depending on how they were raised they may or may not be great nurturers. I think they all have the ability within them to do this but not all get the chance to tap into it as much as we might like.

Many Child Custody Battles focus on the Nurturing of the mother vs that of the father but often they fail to look at the big picture.

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