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Kinda odd situation, early 20’s stepson is getting married near the end of this this year and no one in his family has met her, including his actual mother. Before I launch into it, all of us (him along with his dad, his bio mom, me, his stepsister) we all have a good relationship with said son and I’ve been in his life since before he started grade school. There hasn’t been any “drama.”
Son is away at college, at least a half day’s drive from our location and only a few hours away from where his mom is currently living. Son started dating a young woman a little over a year ago and they became engaged last fall. We’ve never met her ...by “we’ve” I mean his entire family, mom and dad’s side both. It’s less odd that we haven’t met her because we live further away and can’t visit as often. The last time any of us visited him he did not bring his GF along. I know for a fact he and his GF have driven through the town his mom lives in and they didn’t stop to see her. His mom doesn’t know this happened but my daughter became aware of the situation by happenstance.
The longer this relationship has gone on the more “absent” he seems to be. He’s all but disappeared from social media, none of us hear from him like we used to (not all of which is a surprise in these situations), and he is vague when anyone asks him when he’s free for a visit. “Maybe in the fall” or “I’m really busy and not sure when I’ll have time” are the answers he usually has. I think it’s a little odd but maybe I’m wrong?
They became engaged after dating for less than a year and there has been no demonstrated interest on the GF’s part to get to know her fiance’s family, not even his mom who he is (was??) pretty close to. That’s the part I found to be the most odd, that there has been no effort to introduce her to his mother. I thought perhaps she just “isn’t into family” but her FB profile clearly indicates otherwise. They spend a LOT of time with her family who does live the closest to where they do.
We personally don’t want to meet his fiancé for the first time at their wedding but we can’t get him to commit to a get together. Nor can his mom or his stepsister. I don’t think this is normal but please do enlighten me if it sounds like we’re overreacting. My daughter, his mom, and me are connected with his fiancé on various social media but there’s been no interaction despite attempts to reach out to her. There’s also been a couple red flags ...his fiancé thought a text to our son from his stepsister was “just some girl trying to talk to my boyfriend” because she didn’t recognize her last name. We also have reason to believe she reads the texts we send him but doesn’t tell him we texted him and he figures it out later. It’s their business if she has access to his phone but at least tell him he has messages to read/respond to.
Isn’t it normal to be given an opportunity to meet your kid’s soon to be spouse before the wedding?
No, it is not normal and if this were a daughter I would be looking at an abusive relationship (one way it starts is alienating the family). Your second to last paragraph raises these flags. She sounds like she has some control issues.
They are of the same race and cultural background, very similar upbringing from what he’s told us.
What about religion? Is it possible all the divorces, mostly of his mother, could be an issue that her family has made him feel ashamed of his? I find it weird that not only is she avoiding his family, but it seems her parents are as well.
Your first suggestion is a very good one and we’ve both tried it to no avail. When his dad asked why he didn’t want his fiancé to meet any of us, including the kid’s own mother, he had a whole litany of excuses.
I confess to skepticism when someone says this. Maybe they were his REASONS. What were they?
No, it is not normal and if this were a daughter I would be looking at an abusive relationship (one way it starts is alienating the family). Your second to last paragraph raises these flags. She sounds like she has some control issues.
A man can be the victim in an abusive relationship as well, It does sound as if the girlfriend/wife has some issues that are troubling to say the least.
I can understand your worry. It does seem very odd given the distance is really not that great.
You mentioned you are connected on social media with the young woman. Perhaps you can "friend" her mother and express a desire to meet with her and the "kids" before the wedding. Invite her and her spouse out to dinner with the "kids." If you don't feel such an invitation would be appropriate coming from you, suggest that his mother does it and include all of you. It sounds like you are on good terms with your husband's ex.
Good idea. Etiquette says the groom's family reaches out to the brides family, invites them over for dinner, or out to dinner.
We definitely would not go to a wedding uninvited. The suggestion was to show up at their house uninvited, surprise visit.
We aren’t criminals, etc. No drugs, no alcoholism. His mom definitely lives closer.
Your quote ...a son is a son etc, that’s defintely crossed my mind many times. This seems a little extreme for that but one never knows. I’m happy for him if he likes her family, but ....
No surprise visits! Give him to dates and if he chooses neither then say, ok, we'll be at your place on...
The bottom line is that this person can marry anyone that he wants to. Period.
Certainly he can. But it is troublesome that he only seems to be able to interact with his family when his fiancee is not around to hear him, and that she doesn't want to visit his family at all. It doesn't bode well for future relations with his own family. This is an incredibly big red flag for him IMHO.
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