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Old 03-18-2018, 09:50 PM
 
113 posts, read 47,132 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I agree with all of the points made by parentologist.

Yes, it is quite odd that you haven't met her. They only live "a half days" drive away not on the moon.

Heck, when our daughter was dating a man from another continent, and it was getting somewhat serious we met him via Skype and had numerous conversations with him before he was able to visit the US and meet us in person. And, they were just dating not even engaged. Our son and his GF lived 2,000 miles away and we met her several times before they got engaged. We even met her parents before they became engaged. And, after they were engaged we were part of the wedding planning.

How independent is your stepson? Is he paying for college himself? Does he ask for extra money? Will he be graduating and does he have a job? Who is paying for the wedding? Has anyone on your side been asked about any of the wedding plans? Will he be able to support himself in the future without any help from your family?
Yep, I agree. We met our daughterís now husband several times before they got married. They live much closer to us but we are not averse to travel if we can get the other party to commit to plans!

We were helping to pay for his college until he went beyond four years and that was the agreement from
the beginning (so it wasnít a surprise to him, he knew this would happen). Anything beyond four years was up to him and heís changed his major three times and that has extended his time. His mom said the same to him and has held up her end of the deal as we did. He typically does not ask for extra money and he does work.

I believe her family is paying for the wedding per typical wedding tradition. We have not been asked to help with the cost of the rehearsal dinner and nor has his mother. At least she hadnít as of the last time we talked.

That being said about him having a job, I donít actually think he pays all of his own expenses. His mom told me she suspects her own actually fairly wealthy mother, his grandma, has been paying at least some of his bills. And yes, the grandma would be the type to lie about that to her daughter, per her daughter anyway. Her money, her business and it also doesnít affect us so we donít have reason to care.

My husband is at the point where he believes we arenít going to be invited to the wedding, due to the apparent of interest and as he says, a gut feeling.
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Old 03-18-2018, 09:57 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,625 posts, read 14,932,585 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
Yep, I agree. We met our daughterís now husband several times before they got married. They live much closer to us but we are not averse to travel if we can get the other party to commit to plans!

We were helping to pay for his college until he went beyond four years and that was the agreement from
the beginning (so it wasnít a surprise to him, he knew this would happen). Anything beyond four years was up to him and heís changed his major three times and that has extended his time. His mom said the same to him and has held up her end of the deal as we did. He typically does not ask for extra money and he does work.

I believe her family is paying for the wedding per typical wedding tradition. We have not been asked to help with the cost of the rehearsal dinner and nor has his mother. At least she hadnít as of the last time we talked.

That being said about him having a job, I donít actually think he pays all of his own expenses. His mom told me she suspects her own actually fairly wealthy mother, his grandma, has been paying at least some of his bills. And yes, the grandma would be the type to lie about that to her daughter, per her daughter anyway. Her money, her business and it also doesnít affect us so we donít have reason to care.

My husband is at the point where he believes we arenít going to be invited to the wedding, due to the apparent of interest and as he says, a gut feeling.
If it turns out that he does decide not to invite you to his wedding, and cuts you out of his life, I am very sad for you. I am very close to my adult children (30 and 34) and would be just heartbroken if that happened to me.
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Old 03-18-2018, 09:59 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,902 posts, read 35,640,727 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
My husband is at the point where he believes we arenít going to be invited to the wedding, due to the apparent of interest and as he says, a gut feeling.
A gut feeling???

Are you sure he's told you everything?
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Old 03-18-2018, 09:59 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 2,978,606 times
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I know some wives take over the man's life and never include his family. It sounds like she is one of them. He has already become more absent from your lives and it will probably only get worse. These women also keep any children they have away also. I've had two friends to whom this has happened and it is so very sad. Gifts they give have gone unacknowledged as well, so they have both discontinued trying to make contact. I suggest you do that right now, rather than giving them the power to torture you. She is sick. I'm very sorry this has happened to your family.
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Old 03-18-2018, 10:10 PM
 
113 posts, read 47,132 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Who would not be "not interested" in meeting her fiancť's parents and other family members? Maybe she is just self-centered, such as "I already have a family, why do I need more people in my life?". Or maybe she is controlling and is demanding that he cuts ties with his family.

Is her family a different socio-economic group? Perhaps, very wealthy and look down on middle class people? Or they are all high level professionals and you are blue color? Or a different ethnic group, that is "allowing" your step-son to join their group but don't want to meet any other outsiders (like his family)?

Frankly, if it was me, I would be worried that he would be joining her family and completely leaving his family (all of you) behind. There really isn't anything that you can do about that but keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck to you. It must be very frustrating.
Yes! I’ve been married twice, divorced once and met (and wanted to meet) my in-laws early on both times, definitely long before the weddings occurred.

Her family is middle class, we are too, and his mother also is but his mom does have fairly wealthy parents. She isn’t necessarily wealthy herself. His mom has been married and divorced a few times, her first divorce was from my now husband and her most recent divorce just last year. That situation seemed to cause some friction between my stepson and his mom. His dad and I have been married for around 20 years now and I’ve always had a good relationship with both of my stepsons, we were once a pretty close knit group. In all, it does not appear there are any major differences between his family and hers, in as much as you can discern from this specific situation.

What’s interesting is his fiance’s parents have an older child who’s already married and there are definite differences between those two families; two of which being race and some socioeconomic stuff ...those issues do not appear to be a problem. From what you can tell from social media his fiancť’s family seems very nice.

My suspicion is that there is some control going on but it’s only a suspicion based on the changes in my stepson’s communication behavior and her apparent lack of interest in his friends and family.

Last edited by puglandia; 03-18-2018 at 10:28 PM..
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Old 03-18-2018, 10:17 PM
 
113 posts, read 47,132 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
A gut feeling???

Are you sure he's told you everything?
Positive. My husband tends to be more emotionally reactive than I am and also tends to go off of and say stuff like that. All of our kids tend to communicate more with me because Iím easier to reach (eg. I donít mind texting but their dad isnít a huge fan of it) and itís just always been like that. Itís actually more likely any of our kids would tell me more than they tell him.

My husband would also tell me if my stepson told him something he knew I didnít already know about. He is just as mystified about this as I am.
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Old 03-18-2018, 10:21 PM
 
113 posts, read 47,132 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
I know some wives take over the man's life and never include his family. It sounds like she is one of them. He has already become more absent from your lives and it will probably only get worse. These women also keep any children they have away also. I've had two friends to whom this has happened and it is so very sad. Gifts they give have gone unacknowledged as well, so they have both discontinued trying to make contact. I suggest you do that right now, rather than giving them the power to torture you. She is sick. I'm very sorry this has happened to your family.
Iíve heard about these situations and my husbandís ex, my stepsonsí mother, has attempted this with all of her now former husbands. My husband didnít allow it and apparently it didnít work with her other husbandsí families either but not for a lack of trying.
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Old 03-18-2018, 10:24 PM
 
113 posts, read 47,132 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
If it turns out that he does decide not to invite you to his wedding, and cuts you out of his life, I am very sad for you. I am very close to my adult children (30 and 34) and would be just heartbroken if that happened to me.
We also hope to be invited but have some serious reservations about this relationship, my daughter is at the point where she hopes her brother wises up before walking down the aisle. She doesnít trust the fianceí one bit.
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Old 03-18-2018, 10:33 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
5,357 posts, read 6,693,070 times
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I can understand your worry. It does seem very odd given the distance is really not that great.

You mentioned you are connected on social media with the young woman. Perhaps you can "friend" her mother and express a desire to meet with her and the "kids" before the wedding. Invite her and her spouse out to dinner with the "kids." If you don't feel such an invitation would be appropriate coming from you, suggest that his mother does it and include all of you. It sounds like you are on good terms with your husband's ex.
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Old 03-19-2018, 02:08 AM
 
Location: Arizona
5,400 posts, read 4,503,136 times
Reputation: 15413
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
I can understand your worry. It does seem very odd given the distance is really not that great.

You mentioned you are connected on social media with the young woman. Perhaps you can "friend" her mother and express a desire to meet with her and the "kids" before the wedding. Invite her and her spouse out to dinner with the "kids." If you don't feel such an invitation would be appropriate coming from you, suggest that his mother does it and include all of you. It sounds like you are on good terms with your husband's ex.
Use the telephone and don't mention the kids. Invite her parents to dinner.
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