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At the very least, if you get nowhere with this situation, you and your husband should get a message to him that he always has a safe place with you and help if he needs it, no questions asked.
My husband did try and call him a few times yesterday and several hours later got a text back in return. The conversation went nowhere fast, like usual, but he did tell him he’s always welcome here, etc. When my husband tried to pin him down on a date/time for a visit he got the same routine; maybe April or May, will have to see. Bringing up specific dates is when SS stopped responding.
I know a guy too. But, I really hate the term you used. We dealt with many of the same issues the OP is dealing with, such as no invitation to the engagement party, and a wedding invitation that wasn't sent until a week before the big day( long after everyone else had gotten theirs.) But our son loves his wife. And sometimes, that's the best we can hope for our kids.
OP, I wonder if you and your husband would be willing to send the future couple a card congratulating them on the engagement announcement. No commentary or response required, just an acknowledgment that it occurred.
We did send a card of that type in February when it was really starting to become evident something is up. There was no response of any type. We eventually asked him if they received it and got a “yah, thanks.”
I have to wonder what happens a year or two down the road. What happens if none of his family is invited or goes to the wedding? Then, the holidays roll around and the new couple doesn't come home to visit his family either Thanksgiving or Christmas. And then the new year comes and you've basically been written out of their lives?
If that should happen, I can't imagine what will happen if someone from his side just shows up out of the blue. What can they do, just not open the door? You say one of his brothers lives in the same town as him. What if they happen to run in to each other at a mall or restaurant? Will he and his new wife just ignore anyone from his family from now on?
Sooner than later, it seems to me, he is going to have to decide what role his family will play in his future. This doesn't seem like normal family behavior. I hope this will be resolved in a good way for you in his family. This is quite the mystery.
I have to wonder what happens a year or two down the road. What happens if none of his family is invited or goes to the wedding? Then, the holidays roll around and the new couple doesn't come home to visit his family either Thanksgiving or Christmas. And then the new year comes and you've basically been written out of their lives?
If that should happen, I can't imagine what will happen if someone from his side just shows up out of the blue. What can they do, just not open the door? You say one of his brothers lives in the same town as him. What if they happen to run in to each other at a mall or restaurant? Will he and his new wife just ignore anyone from his family from now on?
Sooner than later, it seems to me, he is going to have to decide what role his family will play in his future. This doesn't seem like normal family behavior. I hope this will be resolved in a good way for you in his family. This is quite the mystery.
Well, I believe some of that has already begun. His mom lives in a small town in a rural area where everyone knows everyone else. Back in December he and his GF stopped for gas in that town (also where he grew up), his grandma saw him and pulled in to the gas station and she knows he saw her yet he left without talking to her. When they got to where they were going about 1.5 hours from that town, he posted some pictures on Instagram. My daughter lives near this place where they were at and invited them over and got shot down right away. Two examples anyway.
Seems to me he’s already decided what role we’re all likely to play and it looks like not much to nothing at this point.
Oh yah, his brother did show up at their place and there was someone inside who never answered the door.
My husband did try and call him a few times yesterday and several hours later got a text back in return. The conversation went nowhere fast, like usual, but he did tell him he’s always welcome here, etc. When my husband tried to pin him down on a date/time for a visit he got the same routine; maybe April or May, will have to see. Bringing up specific dates is when SS stopped responding.
That was the opportunity to be direct and let SS know you are concerned. To ask if he needs any help or support. Keep trying. You deserve answers. You are not being pushy or impolite.
Next time he texts, tell him you are calling right now and he better pick up.
That was the opportunity to be direct and let SS know you are concerned. To ask if he needs any help or support. Keep trying. You deserve answers. You are not being pushy or impolite.
Next time he texts, tell him you are calling right now and he better pick up.
That’s essentially what happened and unfortunately we can’t make someone answer the phone if they’d rather not. Despite the weirdness of this whole situation and potentially the weird GF, he’s an adult making a choice. She’s not holding him hostage. We can only keep in touch the best we are able.
You could call the police and have them knock on the door if you fear he's in danger. Make a scene, force the issue.
That would actually be one of the legit reasons to cut a parent out. What a terrible idea.
Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia
The dad has referred to my stepson like that from the beginning. Apparently he does the same with the significant others of their other children. Must be his thing.
Creepy, narcissistic behavior. I am familiar with it. It is done to create emotional attachment and a sense of obligation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia
That’s essentially what happened and unfortunately we can’t make someone answer the phone if they’d rather not. Despite the weirdness of this whole situation and potentially the weird GF, he’s an adult making a choice. She’s not holding him hostage. We can only keep in touch the best we are able.
OP I am so sorry.
I think he may have to learn this lesson the very hard way. She does not sound normal. She's just a child herself.
Your stepson is enthralled with a new family and way of life. He may be being emotionally abused (reading his texts, egads). Keep telling him you are there for him and that he will always be himself and your son and you love him no matter what.
If possible deliver cards to the effect to his work or school so she cannot take them.
Abusers come in many forms. While a slight young woman could never win a fistfight with even an average or slim man, physical and emotional control takes many forms.
I don't blame her for his actions. I was in an abusive relationship. I got into it. I ignored the red flags. I didn't listen. My fault. But my mom was always there, and when I was ready to leave I knew I could go.to her. That's all you can do.
Before his wedding, he had not spoken to me for 2 years. Sorry, but if you can't respond to a phone call, email, or text for 2+ years, then no I won't attend your wedding. I didn't shun his wedding. He knew I wasn't attending. He never said a word about it to me. I wasn't upping any gamesmanship.
I didn't create the situation with my brother. He doesn't speak to our parents or our sister either. He hasn't in several years. He hasn't spoken to them much since his wedding 2 years ago. He won't answer our sister's calls, emails, or texts either and she did attend the weeding. Our parents did as well and he won't speak to them. He won't attend family functions or family dinners. And that has nothing to do with me. I live 3 hours away so I'm not at family events often.
Here's the bottom line - your brother invited you to his wedding, you chose not to go and are now criticizing him and his wife for not being a part of your life.
And your situation has nothing to do with the OP's situation here.
Does it have anything to do with religion? I know in some certain sects, if you are not one of the "True Church", you are going to be shunned/avoided. Are son's fiance's family of a religion that might do this, and do you think they may be trying to convert him (thus "keeping" him from you)? During the indoctrination", they'll want to keep him as isolated as possible, then once he's hooked, they'll then want to keep him in the "bubble" and away from outside influences.
I've seen and experienced similar firsthand with DH's Seventh Day Adventist family, although not quite to the extent you describe. After 35 plus years of avoiding "conversion overtures", I'm not exactly on the family A list, but I'm very familiar with how potential coverts are taken "under the wing".
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 03-23-2018 at 03:58 AM..
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