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Old 03-19-2018, 03:37 AM
 
Location: Canada
4,838 posts, read 3,390,139 times
Reputation: 12643

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It sounds to me like she is a control freak and wants her fiance all to herself, but this woman sounds extreme. She hasn't even met anyone in the family and is already severing his family ties. He is sadly allowing it.

Your husband suspects that you and he won't be getting a wedding invitation? Well, if it were me, if time goes on and you realize you're going to lose him anyways, you might as well drive down uninvited and meet who you are losing him to.

Look at it this way... so what if he gets angry. It's not like you have anything to lose because it looks like he's already made his choice of allowing her to cut his family off.

This must be heart breaking.
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Old 03-19-2018, 06:12 AM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,408 posts, read 4,545,905 times
Reputation: 9934
FWIW, I take my queue from my husband when it comes to how involved we are with his family. So I would not be so quick to blame the fiance. Maybe the relationship he has with his family is not as great as you perceive it to be?

I'm curious as to what were the "litany of excuses" he provided when asked but you all blew off as BS. Maybe there is some truth in those reasons.

Additionally, since you're connected to her on social media, have you initiated a conversation with her?
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Old 03-19-2018, 06:17 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,126 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
I can understand your worry. It does seem very odd given the distance is really not that great.

You mentioned you are connected on social media with the young woman. Perhaps you can "friend" her mother and express a desire to meet with her and the "kids" before the wedding. Invite her and her spouse out to dinner with the "kids." If you don't feel such an invitation would be appropriate coming from you, suggest that his mother does it and include all of you. It sounds like you are on good terms with your husband's ex.
Great suggestion and we’ve both tried. Her mom told us both some variation of she would rather wait until her husband is ”back in town from work and then set something up.” This has been three (our attempt) and four months ago (when his mom tried). His mom tried again maybe a month ago and was told she was sure there’d be a chance to get together closer to the wedding.
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Old 03-19-2018, 06:28 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,126 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
FWIW, I take my queue from my husband when it comes to how involved we are with his family. So I would not be so quick to blame the fiance. Maybe the relationship he has with his family is not as great as you perceive it to be?

I'm curious as to what were the "litany of excuses" he provided when asked but you all blew off as BS. Maybe there is some truth in those reasons.

Additionally, since you're connected to her on social media, have you initiated a conversation with her?
He’s changed over the course of their relationship. We’re not blaming her yet, we’re somewhat suspicious and curious. If I blamed her already I wouldn’t be wondering about the whole thing. Yes, the majority of the litany sounded like excuses. Not all of it but a lot of it.

Even if she is controlling him he bears some responsibility in allowing that to happen.

Everyone’s family situation is different.
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Old 03-19-2018, 06:58 AM
 
607 posts, read 664,466 times
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Is this his first girlfriend?
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Old 03-19-2018, 07:03 AM
 
3,149 posts, read 3,079,309 times
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I'm so sorry for you. You know the old saying, "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life." But this is so unfortunate. He will be back.... after the divorce. But by then there will probably be children, and a lifetime of misery and financial ruin.

Whichever parent is closer to him needs to go visit him, take him out ALONE, and speak with him. Warn him that there is something wrong with the relationship if his fiance is trying to sever his family ties (unless you guys are abusive alcoholic/drug addicted criminals). That he needs to consider if he really is okay with being so distant from his own family, and also to consider what kind of person would do that to the man she supposedly loves! He also needs to think of any children he has, how if he has them with a woman who wants to cut him off from his family, his children will miss out on the love and attention that his mother and father (and stepmom) would have showered on them.

Do NOT just show up at a wedding uninvited!
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Old 03-19-2018, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,609 posts, read 14,932,585 times
Reputation: 35963
Perhaps, it is time to start being more assertive about your requests to see him. Since his town is in driving distance you and Dad can send him an email saying "We love you and we miss you. We want to have dinner with you, in your city, and catch up. What date works best for you XX or YY? "

Also, did his coolness start around the time that you cut him off from paying his college expenses? Maybe he is mad about that but it is bleeding over to the rest of his life. Possibly his fiancée, and her family, are telling him that you were wrong to cut him off. Have you considered that he told them lies about your family, perhaps that you are criminals, were abusive to him, use drugs, or whatever, which turned the whole family against your family.

Good luck.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-19-2018 at 08:00 AM..
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Old 03-19-2018, 07:45 AM
 
Location: South Florida
572 posts, read 942,421 times
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When was the last time you saw stepson? Has he been home at all recently? Is anybody talking with him on the phone on a regular basis?
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Old 03-19-2018, 08:01 AM
 
4,861 posts, read 1,911,265 times
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I agree with many who say it's the fiance.

The fact that she DID meet his brother for an hour or so and was polite but then wanted to leave - she's driving this bus.

And we've all seen it before.

My guess is he's said a few things about how he felt left out by his family (there are frequent divorces, it must have been rocky emotionally) and she told him he didn't deserve to be treated like that, his family doesn't deserve him, hers is better.

And then game on.

My guess is, at some point when kids arrive he'll unload a whole giant hot mess bucket of perceived slights and grievances about why they are estranged from family.
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Old 03-19-2018, 08:19 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,126 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mistym View Post
Is this his first girlfriend?
First serious relationship, yes.
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