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Old 03-19-2018, 10:53 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,101 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
It sounds like you already have it out for the son's new bride. I feel for this lady. I really do. Poor girl.
You’re assuming a lot in that case. I blame my son and potentially the relationship in general. I don’t know her but I do know relationships can cause people to behave in ways they might not otherwise. I don’t know enough about her to blame her. Yet we do have the right to wonder about that potential as to why this might be occurring. It’s not a foregone conclusion, sheesh.

If I blamed her I would have drawn my conclusions and been done with it, no need to ask anyone about these situations.

My son is 100% responsible for the lack of communication and if he feels as though it’s easier to make contact with his family when she isn’t there. He’s said that - not us, more than once, and to more than just us. When his mom asked why he felt like he had to do that and he said “it just causes too many problems otherwise.”

I wouldn’t worry about her being a “poor girl” as we haven’t done or said anything to make her feel unwelcome. Us personally anyway. If anyone else has I have no control over that.
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Old 03-19-2018, 10:54 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,101 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
It could also be his ham-handed way of creating adult boundaries with his family of origin. Not everybody is great at handling that.
Definitely could be.
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Old 03-19-2018, 10:56 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,101 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I do think that is the best option because anything more confrontational will most likely cease that communication.
Yes, and we’re not pushy people at all so it’ll work for us. Hopefully this will work out one way or another.
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Old 03-19-2018, 10:58 AM
 
Location: Washington, DC & New York
10,734 posts, read 25,050,254 times
Reputation: 6628
Is his fiancée in school too? She could just be overwhelmed, and may not know the protocol about blended family relationships. Perhaps when he was cut off financially, regardless as to whether his grandmother supports him, that signified that he did not think that he had to report to his family.

I would not read too much into her questioning why his sister was texting her, since I do not respond to texts from people I do not know, and whom I have not met. It's rather rude to just text out of the blue, and since she has only met the one brother, I would not blame the fiancée for not welcoming the contact with open arms. She can contact her brother, of course, but until she is introduced properly to the fiancée, one should not assume that it's fine to text someone they do not know, regardless of closeness to their brother.

The other likely scenario is that his fiancee wants things done her way, and that's it. I have a sister-in-law who was like that when she was getting married to my brother, and there was an inferiority complex around my parents and others in my family, that we cannot to this day fathom. Although, today, I have a better relationship with her than I do with that brother, so things may take time to come around. When one is young and in love, they may want to be in control of everything, and she may not want mother, stepmother, sisters, etc. influencing her day, as so many young brides have the princess syndrome.

Let him live his life, and be supportive, but do not pressure him for details. Perhaps he's not certain that this is going to work out and may want a way out of the relationship. Perhaps he's truly in love and between work and school, what little time he has left, he wants to spend with her, not talking to his relatives. I would not demand nor give ultimatums as to meeting her, and let things unfold. You know some things about her from Facebook, so be content with that right now.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:02 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,101 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayerdu View Post
My husband is practically estranged from his mother. His mother could have written a similar post like this. But the fact is, the moment we met, I have never discouraged him from speaking or spending reasonable time with her.

If you were to ask his mom, she would say that they were VERY close until I came along. Turns out he was enmeshed with her and when he met me, he felt freed from her. It was hard in the beginning but once once we moved out of state, he realized that most of his anxieties or problems was her stranglehold on him. He has never felt mentally healthier.

I’m not saying this is the case with OP. What I am saying is that husbands tell wives many things that he doesn’t tell mom or dad. What appears like a controlling wife is sometimes just the husband who never really enjoyed being around his family in the first place.

Btw, my husband never called his mom in front of me either because the conversations were so laborious. She would go on and on and on about all her problems or harass him about when he was going to visit.
I’m not his mom, I’m the stepmom. Every other weekend and school breaks. Parenting was up to his parents but obviously I had to do some of that at times, I wasn’t just the babysitter. So if he happens to feel similar to your husband it wouldn’t be with me it would be with his mom or dad and you never know. His mom would say they were once very close, my husband would say he and his son were close enough but glad to see his son growing up and doing his own thing.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:11 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,101 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bmwguydc View Post
Is his fiancée in school too? She could just be overwhelmed, and may not know the protocol about blended family relationships. Perhaps when he was cut off financially, regardless as to whether his grandmother supports him, that signified that he did not think that he had to report to his family.

I would not read too much into her questioning why his sister was texting her, since I do not respond to texts from people I do not know, and whom I have not met. It's rather rude to just text out of the blue, and since she has only met the one brother, I would not blame the fiancée for not welcoming the contact with open arms. She can contact her brother, of course, but until she is introduced properly to the fiancée, one should not assume that it's fine to text someone they do not know, regardless of closeness to their brother.

The other likely scenario is that his fiancee wants things done her way, and that's it. I have a sister-in-law who was like that when she was getting married to my brother, and there was an inferiority complex around my parents and others in my family, that we cannot to this day fathom. Although, today, I have a better relationship with her than I do with that brother, so things may take time to come around. When one is young and in love, they may want to be in control of everything, and she may not want mother, stepmother, sisters, etc. influencing her day, as so many young brides have the princess syndrome.

Let him live his life, and be supportive, but do not pressure him for details. Perhaps he's not certain that this is going to work out and may want a way out of the relationship. Perhaps he's truly in love and between work and school, what little time he has left, he wants to spend with her, not talking to his relatives. I would not demand nor give ultimatums as to meeting her, and let things unfold. You know some things about her from Facebook, so be content with that right now.
His sister doesn’t even know the GF’s phone number. She texted her brother and the GF saw it on HIS phone and demanded to know who it was. Thought it was “some random girl” and according to my son she accused him of talking to other girls behind his back, that’s all I know on that.

I’m not sure where you saw pressuring for details, demands and ultimatums in all of this. We just don’t want to meet her for the first time at their wedding. Nor does his mother. It’s not too much to ask. Doesn’t mean we will get what we want but it isn’t too much to ask. An hour or two for lunch or dinner at our expense ain’t gonna kill a kid.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:15 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,101 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
I think this is possibly close to the mark here.
I’m the stepmom, not the mom, and he and I are not enmeshed. Nor are he and his father. Not sure if he is with anyone else. If he is, that’s an issue for those two parties to deal with but there’s nothing to see here in that regard with dad and stepmom.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:22 AM
 
113 posts, read 47,101 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmwguydc View Post
Is his fiancée in school too? She could just be overwhelmed, and may not know the protocol about blended family relationships. Perhaps when he was cut off financially, regardless as to whether his grandmother supports him, that signified that he did not think that he had to report to his family.

I would not read too much into her questioning why his sister was texting her, since I do not respond to texts from people I do not know, and whom I have not met. It's rather rude to just text out of the blue, and since she has only met the one brother, I would not blame the fiancée for not welcoming the contact with open arms. She can contact her brother, of course, but until she is introduced properly to the fiancée, one should not assume that it's fine to text someone they do not know, regardless of closeness to their brother.

The other likely scenario is that his fiancee wants things done her way, and that's it. I have a sister-in-law who was like that when she was getting married to my brother, and there was an inferiority complex around my parents and others in my family, that we cannot to this day fathom. Although, today, I have a better relationship with her than I do with that brother, so things may take time to come around. When one is young and in love, they may want to be in control of everything, and she may not want mother, stepmother, sisters, etc. influencing her day, as so many young brides have the princess syndrome.

Let him live his life, and be supportive, but do not pressure him for details. Perhaps he's not certain that this is going to work out and may want a way out of the relationship. Perhaps he's truly in love and between work and school, what little time he has left, he wants to spend with her, not talking to his relatives. I would not demand nor give ultimatums as to meeting her, and let things unfold. You know some things about her from Facebook, so be content with that right now.
Know things about her from Facebook, yes; however, that isn’t the goal, never was. We want to meet her before the wedding not the day of. That’s it, that’s all.

I could not care less about being involved with the planning of the wedding and in fact want nothing to do with it. I have daughters and have laid out enough money and time on their weddings, being the mother of the bride(s). She can be in control of her wedding and should be. If she thinks anyone on our side wants to be it’s solely in her imagination. No one has expressed a desire to take over and I’ve not expressed a desire to be involved at all.

Last edited by puglandia; 03-19-2018 at 11:26 AM.. Reason: Grammar
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:24 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
7,970 posts, read 4,955,430 times
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Keep us posted; could make a good movie.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:27 AM
Status: "The list doesn’t destroy culture; it creates it" (set 29 days ago)
 
Location: Denver CO
17,529 posts, read 9,069,255 times
Reputation: 25299
I'm not clear from your terminology whether he has any full brothers or sisters? I think the brother and sister you've mentioned are your kids, so his step siblings. And while it sounds like he had a good relationship with them in the two decades you've been married to his dad, I am curious as to whether he has any full sibs that he is also ignoring to this degree - but since he hasn't introduced the fiancee to his mom either, there's clearly an issue here.

And while we are of course only getting your version, you sound like a sane and well adjusted family with a normal degree of closeness between parents and children and between siblings. (Some people seem to think it's weird to not actively dislike your own family, of course!) So yeah, it is definitely strange that he's pulled back and hasn't even wanted everyone to meet.

It definitely seems like the fiancee is in control here and for whatever reason, thinks that her soon to be in-laws aren't relevent to her life. And very sad that your son is going along with that. I think what you've done is pretty much all you can do - sounds like your husband is not trying to guilt his son, but has expressed a reasonable degree of concern/interest in his life. I hope his gut feeling is wrong and things won't go so far as to exclude you from the wedding.
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