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Old 03-19-2018, 11:28 AM
 
113 posts, read 50,058 times
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Originally Posted by Crashj007 View Post
Keep us posted; could make a good movie.
Not really. I see what you’re doing there but, yah. I’m sure you must have better things to watch.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:38 AM
 
113 posts, read 50,058 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
I'm not clear from your terminology whether he has any full brothers or sisters? I think the brother and sister you've mentioned are your kids, so his step siblings. And while it sounds like he had a good relationship with them in the two decades you've been married to his dad, I am curious as to whether he has any full sibs that he is also ignoring to this degree - but since he hasn't introduced the fiancee to his mom either, there's clearly an issue here.

And while we are of course only getting your version, you sound like a sane and well adjusted family with a normal degree of closeness between parents and children and between siblings. (Some people seem to think it's weird to not actively dislike your own family, of course!) So yeah, it is definitely strange that he's pulled back and hasn't even wanted everyone to meet.

It definitely seems like the fiancee is in control here and for whatever reason, thinks that her soon to be in-laws aren't relevent to her life. And very sad that your son is going along with that. I think what you've done is pretty much all you can do - sounds like your husband is not trying to guilt his son, but has expressed a reasonable degree of concern/interest in his life. I hope his gut feeling is wrong and things won't go so far as to exclude you from the wedding.
The brother she met is my other stepson, he has the same exact parents as the one in question. He has other half siblings from his mom’s subsequent marriages. The sister I refer to is his stepsister, my daughter, and they were close. He’s ignoring them all regardless of how closely related they are or who their parents are. I’m not exaggerating about how he is ignoring everyone. This is a kid who when his stepsister had my first grandchild he went and stayed with her and her husband shortly after the fact. It was mostly his idea. Additionally, this wasn’t that long ago as my grandchild is only a toddler.

I don’t find it strange to dislike family for good reason and I cut off family members after they stole things from me during a probate situation. But they know WHY I cut them off. I realize sometimes all you share is DNA and/or a name with certain people. If they exclude us from the wedding it would be sad but at least no longer nothing but a question mark.

I really don’t want to blame her and really I blame him. At the end of the day it is his fault.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
18,947 posts, read 9,998,106 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
The brother she met is my other stepson, he has the same exact parents as the one in question. He has other half siblings from his mom’s subsequent marriages. The sister I refer to is his stepsister, my daughter, and they were close. He’s ignoring them all regardless of how closely related they are or who their parents are. I’m not exaggerating about how he is ignoring everyone. This is a kid who when his stepsister had my first grandchild he went and stayed with her and her husband shortly after the fact. It was mostly his idea. Additionally, this wasn’t that long ago as my grandchild is only a toddler.

I don’t find it strange to dislike family for good reason and I cut off family members after they stole things from me during a probate situation. But they know WHY I cut them off. I realize sometimes all you share is DNA and/or a name with certain people. If they exclude us from the wedding it would be sad but at least no longer nothing but a question mark.

I really don’t want to blame her and really I blame him. At the end of the day it is his fault.
Oh, I believe you - I'm just saying the fact that the brother in question is a full brother is even MORE significant to me in suggesting that the fiancee is creating the problems here.

I think that it's unlikely that your son had a good relationship with his mom, dad, stepmom, full sibs and various half and step sibs that suddenly when bad when he got involved with this woman means that all of these relationships were problematic and your son is now finally breaking free. It seems a lot more likely that the one new relationship is the problem, not all of these existing, decades long relationships that were perfectly fine until now.

Yes, he is ultimately the one who should be in charge of his relationships with his family but it still seems like he's under the control of someone who - for whatever reasons - has decided that she prefers to disrupt his family relationships and he's going along with that.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:53 AM
 
113 posts, read 50,058 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
Oh, I believe you - I'm just saying the fact that the brother in question is a full brother is even MORE significant to me in suggesting that the fiancee is creating the problems here.

I think that it's unlikely that your son had a good relationship with his mom, dad, stepmom, full sibs and various half and step sibs that suddenly when bad when he got involved with this woman means that all of these relationships were problematic and your son is now finally breaking free. It seems a lot more likely that the one new relationship is the problem, not all of these existing, decades long relationships that were perfectly fine until now.

Yes, he is ultimately the one who should be in charge of his relationships with his family but it still seems like he's under the control of someone who - for whatever reasons - has decided that she prefers to disrupt his family relationships and he's going along with that.
The fact that it’s so “global” is what is so dumbfounding. His mom is more than a bit controlling IMO. I know, pretty typical judgement coming from the second wife and all but I also think she had good intentions. I don’t think she’s evil or anything but definitely very controlling. I don’t mind her but I definitely wouldn’t want to be controlled like she tends to do.

What is interesting is his mother didn’t like my husband’s family when they were married nor her most recent husband’s family. She is very into her own though. Maybe “familiarity” could be a problem here.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Washington, DC & New York
10,750 posts, read 25,500,188 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
His sister doesn’t even know the GF’s phone number. She texted her brother and the GF saw it on HIS phone and demanded to know who it was. Thought it was “some random girl” and according to my son she accused him of talking to other girls behind his back, that’s all I know on that.

I’m not sure where you saw pressuring for details, demands and ultimatums in all of this. We just don’t want to meet her for the first time at their wedding. Nor does his mother. It’s not too much to ask. Doesn’t mean we will get what we want but it isn’t too much to ask. An hour or two for lunch or dinner at our expense ain’t gonna kill a kid.
Sorry, my error. I did not see that it was on his phone. That speaks volumes as to her degree of controlling the relationship.

I was not suggesting that you were delivering ultimatums, but earlier in the thread people were adding in conditions that you have to meet the fiancée before agreeing to help at the wedding, etc. I was offering the opinion not to fall into that trap as it could damage the relationship, especially if he is under the spell of a controlling fiancée. I think that you are doing what you can, and not falling into that trap, and meant to reiterate that, not suggest that you were becoming overly involved.

Did they not have an engagement party? That would have been an appropriate place to meet those who could attend, but perhaps manners are not this young lady's strong suit. Good luck with her, since there will be other issues.
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Old 03-19-2018, 12:00 PM
 
113 posts, read 50,058 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bmwguydc View Post
Sorry, my error. I did not see that it was on his phone. That speaks volumes as to her degree of controlling the relationship.

I was not suggesting that you were delivering ultimatums, but earlier in the thread people were adding in conditions that you have to meet the fiancée before agreeing to help at the wedding, etc. I was offering the opinion not to fall into that trap as it could damage the relationship, especially if he is under the spell of a controlling fiancée. I think that you are doing what you can, and not falling into that trap, and meant to reiterate that, not suggest that you were becoming overly involved.

Did they not have an engagement party? That would have been an appropriate place to meet those who could attend, but perhaps manners are not this young lady's strong suit. Good luck with her, since there will be other issues.
Yes they had an engagement party back late last fall. Only with her family. We - as in his entire family - weren’t aware of it happening until pics were later posted on FB.

Being on his phone would suggest a lot of control on her part. I don’t care if she sees any of our messages but at least tell him they exist. We have nothing to hide or secretive to talk about but it is a little weird she’s on his phone. Different strokes, I guess.

Last edited by puglandia; 03-19-2018 at 12:00 PM.. Reason: Spelling
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Old 03-19-2018, 12:13 PM
 
113 posts, read 50,058 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmwguydc View Post
Sorry, my error. I did not see that it was on his phone. That speaks volumes as to her degree of controlling the relationship.

I was not suggesting that you were delivering ultimatums, but earlier in the thread people were adding in conditions that you have to meet the fiancée before agreeing to help at the wedding, etc. I was offering the opinion not to fall into that trap as it could damage the relationship, especially if he is under the spell of a controlling fiancée. I think that you are doing what you can, and not falling into that trap, and meant to reiterate that, not suggest that you were becoming overly involved.

Did they not have an engagement party? That would have been an appropriate place to meet those who could attend, but perhaps manners are not this young lady's strong suit. Good luck with her, since there will be other issues.
The planning of the wedding, meh. I hope I’m not asked to do anything. We hope to be invited but don’t want to be right up in the middle of it all. I’ve helped plan enough weddings that I’m more than happy for others to have right at it with this one. If invited we’ll make the appropriate appearances and then the long drive home.

We love our kids but we have learned with mine from my previous marriage, who are a bit older than my stepsons, that navigating adult children is often harder than teenagers. We aren’t controlling, not pushy, work full time, and we have our own lives. I have friends who made the mistake of living through their adult kids to one degree or another, never ends well.

We also live far enough away that helping isn’t really feasible. As far as money is concerned, my husband and I agreed to a limit but I have to say ...my husband isn’t so sure about the money thing, not any more anyway.
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Old 03-19-2018, 12:14 PM
 
5,778 posts, read 3,282,103 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
He has not been home recently and he calls or texts when his GF is at work or school. He said it was “easier”
to do so when she’s busy.

Well this pretty much says it all. She's in charge and doesn't want him involved with his family.
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Old 03-19-2018, 12:16 PM
 
113 posts, read 50,058 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Well this pretty much says it all. She's in charge and doesn't want him involved with his family.
It would seem so but I really don’t know for sure.
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Old 03-19-2018, 12:18 PM
 
15,169 posts, read 16,013,011 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
Yes they had an engagement party back late last fall. Only with her family. We - as in his entire family - weren’t aware of it happening until pics were later posted on FB.

Being on his phone would suggest a lot of control on her part. I don’t care if she sees any of our messages but at least tell him they exist. We have nothing to hide or secretive to talk about but it is a little weird she’s on his phone. Different strokes, I guess.
Well that's a huge red flag. All I can say to you is "Good luck."

When you do finally meet her try to be polite and gracious but I'd keep expectations low.
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