U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 03-19-2018, 01:11 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,566 posts, read 21,741,355 times
Reputation: 44317

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
Kinda odd situation, early 20ís stepson is getting married near the end of this this year and no one in his family has met her, including his actual mother. Before I launch into it, all of us (him along with his dad, his bio mom, me, his stepsister) we all have a good relationship with said son and Iíve been in his life since before he started grade school. There hasnít been any ďdrama.Ē

Son is away at college, at least a half dayís drive from our location and only a few hours away from where his mom is currently living. Son started dating a young woman a little over a year ago and they became engaged last fall. Weíve never met her ...by ďweíveĒ I mean his entire family, mom and dadís side both. Itís less odd that we havenít met her because we live further away and canít visit as often. The last time any of us visited him he did not bring his GF along. I know for a fact he and his GF have driven through the town his mom lives in and they didnít stop to see her. His mom doesnít know this happened but my daughter became aware of the situation by happenstance.

The longer this relationship has gone on the more ďabsentĒ he seems to be. Heís all but disappeared from social media, none of us hear from him like we used to (not all of which is a surprise in these situations), and he is vague when anyone asks him when heís free for a visit. ďMaybe in the fallĒ or ďIím really busy and not sure when Iíll have timeĒ are the answers he usually has. I think itís a little odd but maybe Iím wrong?

They became engaged after dating for less than a year and there has been no demonstrated interest on the GFís part to get to know her fianceís family, not even his mom who he is (was??) pretty close to. Thatís the part I found to be the most odd, that there has been no effort to introduce her to his mother. I thought perhaps she just ďisnít into familyĒ but her FB profile clearly indicates otherwise. They spend a LOT of time with her family who does live the closest to where they do.

We personally donít want to meet his fiancť for the first time at their wedding but we canít get him to commit to a get together. Nor can his mom or his stepsister. I donít think this is normal but please do enlighten me if it sounds like weíre overreacting. My daughter, his mom, and me are connected with his fiancť on various social media but thereís been no interaction despite attempts to reach out to her. Thereís also been a couple red flags ...his fiancť thought a text to our son from his stepsister was ďjust some girl trying to talk to my boyfriendĒ because she didnít recognize her last name. We also have reason to believe she reads the texts we send him but doesnít tell him we texted him and he figures it out later. Itís their business if she has access to his phone but at least tell him he has messages to read/respond to.

Isnít it normal to be given an opportunity to meet your kidís soon to be spouse before the wedding?
I am so sorry is happening to your family.

It sounds as though this girl does not want to share your step-son with anyone on his side of the family.

There are women who's families engulf sons into their own world, leaving very little room or time for these sons to see their families of origin.

Have you thought of seeing a family counselor?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-19-2018, 01:17 PM
 
5,917 posts, read 4,054,897 times
Reputation: 16282
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I am so sorry is happening to your family.

It sounds as though this girl does not want to share your step-son with anyone on his side of the family.

There are women who's families engulf sons into their own world, leaving very little room or time for these sons to see their families of origin.

Have you thought of seeing a family counselor?
Yeah, and in my experience it's often a cultural/ethnic thing. OP, could that play a role here?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 01:25 PM
 
Location: DFW/Texas
746 posts, read 624,479 times
Reputation: 2438
OP, have you and your husband and your other children thought about taking a trip to the city your stepson lives in? Maybe a weekend trip where the focus is not ENTIRELY on meeting the new fiance' but on spending time together as a family- is the city your stepson lives in a destination spot of some kind? You could have the opportunity to let your stepson know that you will be in town on a specific date and everyone could meet. It may be easier to rent a house rather than a hotel and have a family meal. If you travel all that way and he still won't take the time to meet you, though, well....I don't know what to tell you then.

I get the situation your family is in, trust me. I have a sister-in-law who put our family through the ringer for several years.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 01:43 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,566 posts, read 21,741,355 times
Reputation: 44317
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berrie143 View Post
OP, have you and your husband and your other children thought about taking a trip to the city your stepson lives in? Maybe a weekend trip where the focus is not ENTIRELY on meeting the new fiance' but on spending time together as a family- is the city your stepson lives in a destination spot of some kind? You could have the opportunity to let your stepson know that you will be in town on a specific date and everyone could meet. It may be easier to rent a house rather than a hotel and have a family meal. If you travel all that way and he still won't take the time to meet you, though, well....I don't know what to tell you then.

I get the situation your family is in, trust me. I have a sister-in-law who put our family through the ringer for several years.
I like this idea!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Mt Shasta , Ca.
1,805 posts, read 1,242,662 times
Reputation: 3795
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It does seem unusual, and of course is less than ideal, but the only thing I think you should do right now is express your general concern about his seeming to avoid introducing her to you, then ... drop it.

He's an adult, and he's making a choice. It may not look the way you all imagined his wedding scenario, but apparently this is how it's going to happen.

So tell him your concerns, and then let it go.
Yes all of you , PLEASE let your concerns be known and let it and him go live his life however he wants it .

It was the reverse in my case. His mom would not let him leave emotionally / physically /financially crippled him when he moved in with her waiting for me to move out to him .

Had I known she wanted him to come back to being her surrogate husband /join her religious cult group ,I would have told him to stay another term on his old lease with his roommates or departed way sooner than I did . She would not let me anywhere near her home - I NEVER knew why . Talking on skype was a nitemare ( for him anyway - her screaming at him about me was something else, almost like an animal noise) and as adults we had sneak to see one another . He never got away or had any other women or friends in the end and finally ran out of time .

He died of natural causes alone in Jan. at 53. He had been sick and I was REALLY on him to get to the ER but his mom said no... dandelion tea will fix that raging kidney infection right up .

So .. I met her alright ... at his funeral . Had it not been for his sister who'd escaped the mom years back , I would have been barred from that also .
I did not think it was in me to hate another human that much .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 01:57 PM
 
113 posts, read 50,186 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by elhelmete View Post
Yeah, and in my experience it's often a cultural/ethnic thing. OP, could that play a role here?
They are of the same race and cultural background, very similar upbringing from what heís told us.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 02:02 PM
 
113 posts, read 50,186 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berrie143 View Post
OP, have you and your husband and your other children thought about taking a trip to the city your stepson lives in? Maybe a weekend trip where the focus is not ENTIRELY on meeting the new fiance' but on spending time together as a family- is the city your stepson lives in a destination spot of some kind? You could have the opportunity to let your stepson know that you will be in town on a specific date and everyone could meet. It may be easier to rent a house rather than a hotel and have a family meal. If you travel all that way and he still won't take the time to meet you, though, well....I don't know what to tell you then.

I get the situation your family is in, trust me. I have a sister-in-law who put our family through the ringer for several years.
Weíve batted around ideas but itís difficult with grandkids and other family priorities to get everyone on the same schedule or free to go at the same time. His mother actually tried this with some of her family members and got nothing. First it was going to be her son and the fiancťe, then just her son, then at the last second he bailed out completely. Said he needed to study. She has now not seen him at all in over a year.

We donít doubt heís busy but heís not THAT busy, not realistically.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 02:09 PM
 
113 posts, read 50,186 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by DutchessCottonPuff View Post
Yes all of you , PLEASE let your concerns be known and let it and him go live his life however he wants it .

It was the reverse in my case. His mom would not let him leave emotionally / physically /financially crippled him when he moved in with her waiting for me to move out to him .

Had I known she wanted him to come back to being her surrogate husband /join her religious cult group ,I would have told him to stay another term on his old lease with his roommates or departed way sooner than I did . She would not let me anywhere near her home - I NEVER knew why . Talking on skype was a nitemare ( for him anyway - her screaming at him about me was something else, almost like an animal noise) and as adults we had sneak to see one another . He never got away or had any other women or friends in the end and finally ran out of time .

He died of natural causes alone in Jan. at 53. He had been sick and I was REALLY on him to get to the ER but his mom said no... dandelion tea will fix that raging kidney infection right up .

So .. I met her alright ... at his funeral . Had it not been for his sister who'd escaped the mom years back , I would have been barred from that also .
I did not think it was in me to hate another human that much .
Gosh, thatís a sad story all the way around. Sorry to hear that.

I definitely wonít go where weíre not wanted. I would rather just know instead of being left hanging, even if itís nothing great. If this is what he wants, itís what he wants and I wouldnít like it but weíve lived with it this long and could and would keep going if thatís what happens. We arenít the types to chase anyone and we feel weíve said as much as we can say. Itís up to him now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
18,975 posts, read 10,032,914 times
Reputation: 27746
Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
They are of the same race and cultural background, very similar upbringing from what heís told us.
That reminded me I had meant to ask, I saw you mentioned culture before but what about religion? Maybe the fiancee is from a very religious background and your family is not very observant?

I've seen in my own family where people who get very deeply involved with a more strict branch of our religion can sometimes become estranged from family members who don't practice that more strict form.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-19-2018, 02:11 PM
 
113 posts, read 50,186 times
Reputation: 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
That's the way I feel about most weddings!
Me too! I donít dislike them totally but can think of many other things Iíd rather be doing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top