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Perhaps, it is time to start being more assertive about your requests to see him. Since his town is in driving distance you and Dad can send him an email saying "We love you and we miss you. We want to have dinner with you, in your city, and catch up. What date works best for you XX or YY? "
Also, did his coolness start around the time that you cut him off from paying his college expenses? Maybe he is mad about that but it is bleeding over to the rest of his life. Possibly his fiancée, and her family, are telling him that you were wrong to cut him off. Have you considered that he told them lies about your family, perhaps that you are criminals, were abusive to him, use drugs, or whatever, which turned the whole family against your family.
Good luck.
No, it started with him before we (all involved with paying) stopped paying for college expenses. He was fully aware this was a consequence of continually switching his major and has chosen to do so anyway. I can understand changing one’s mind but this last time was the third time.
He surely could have told them a boatload of lies for all we know. If so, he’s a pretty convincing actor to convince these people of lies about that many people. Completely plausible though, I suppose. If I were her parents I would be suspicious if I was told that many people - an entire two sides of the family - were somehow completely effed up one way or another. “So your parents, stepmom, brother, both sisters, and large extended family are all on drugs, or criminals, or abusive, etc? What’s the story there?”
Not saying that there aren’t people who don’t question things that seem outlandish ...there are a lot of people who will believe anything.
I'm so sorry for you. You know the old saying, "A son is a son 'til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life." But this is so unfortunate. He will be back.... after the divorce. But by then there will probably be children, and a lifetime of misery and financial ruin.
Whichever parent is closer to him needs to go visit him, take him out ALONE, and speak with him. Warn him that there is something wrong with the relationship if his fiance is trying to sever his family ties (unless you guys are abusive alcoholic/drug addicted criminals). That he needs to consider if he really is okay with being so distant from his own family, and also to consider what kind of person would do that to the man she supposedly loves! He also needs to think of any children he has, how if he has them with a woman who wants to cut him off from his family, his children will miss out on the love and attention that his mother and father (and stepmom) would have showered on them.
Do NOT just show up at a wedding uninvited!
We definitely would not go to a wedding uninvited. The suggestion was to show up at their house uninvited, surprise visit.
We aren’t criminals, etc. No drugs, no alcoholism. His mom definitely lives closer.
Your quote ...a son is a son etc, that’s defintely crossed my mind many times. This seems a little extreme for that but one never knows. I’m happy for him if he likes her family, but ....
The fact that she DID meet his brother for an hour or so and was polite but then wanted to leave - she's driving this bus.
And we've all seen it before.
My guess is he's said a few things about how he felt left out by his family (there are frequent divorces, it must have been rocky emotionally) and she told him he didn't deserve to be treated like that, his family doesn't deserve him, hers is better.
And then game on.
My guess is, at some point when kids arrive he'll unload a whole giant hot mess bucket of perceived slights and grievances about why they are estranged from family.
His mother has definitely been through a few divorces and one is very recent, as in I’m not even sure if it’s final yet. His dad and I have been married 20+ years but he could resent something about that now, all the same. Her parents are still together so I can see a potential connection there.
His brother and sisters though? Grandparents etc ....none of them had squat to do with any divorce. Ugh.
Someone else mentioned he may have lied to her family about all of us and it’s surely possible but to have to explain why or how we all suddenly cleaned up our acts just prior to their wedding would be “entertaining” at best. If that story is what he got himself into he will have a lot of explaining to do to someone. Perhaps a few someones.
I can’t ignore the fact his behavior has done a 180 over the last several months but he acts like his old self when HE calls when she isn’t around. He still makes contact with us but at the time always mentions she isn’t there. Again, I could be wrong and I hate assuming but she was chilly toward his brother and was suspicious of his sister texting him because she didn’t recognize her last name. Seems like it would have been easier to ask “who’s so and so?”
It sounds to me like she is a control freak and wants her fiance all to herself, but this woman sounds extreme. She hasn't even met anyone in the family and is already severing his family ties. He is sadly allowing it.
Your husband suspects that you and he won't be getting a wedding invitation? Well, if it were me, if time goes on and you realize you're going to lose him anyways, you might as well drive down uninvited and meet who you are losing him to.
Look at it this way... so what if he gets angry. It's not like you have anything to lose because it looks like he's already made his choice of allowing her to cut his family off.
This must be heart breaking.
It definitely is very concerning and I hope it’s just some sort of honeymoon period where they want to spend all their time together etc. If there is something he’s reaentful or angry about I hope he decides to say something before too long.
Ultimately it’s his responsibility to do his part to keep in contact with his family, etc even if she happens to be a super controlling girl and possessive.
It definitely is very concerning and I hope it’s just some sort of honeymoon period where they want to spend all their time together etc. If there is something he’s reaentful or angry about I hope he decides to say something before too long.
Ultimately it’s his responsibility to do his part to keep in contact with his family, etc even if she happens to be a super controlling girl and possessive.
I agree. To me it is a real Red Flag that he only calls when she is at work or school. I wonder if she has forbidden him to have contact with his family. Since, he is fairly young and this is his first serious girlfriend he may not realize that this is not normal behavior. Sadly, there really isn't anything that you can do about it.
This seems very odd. Why not have your husband call him and say, "Son, we're so happy for you. We would like to meet her, and soon. How is next weekend for us to come take you guys out to dinner?"
If he says no, then Dad's gotta say something to the effect of "Why don't you want us to meet her?" And if he won't be forthcoming, you've got to accept it, and just hope he invites you to the wedding.
But if he asks for you guys to pay for anything, including the traditional groom's family stuff, like a rehearsal dinner, Dad should say, "Let's talk about that after we meet her, son".
I cannot imagine why he would do this, unless there's something he is hiding. If she were pregnant, that's not something to hide. It's a reason to move the wedding up. If she had a stutter, or were painfully shy, he could warn you beforehand. And I cannot see how a girl would NOT want to meet her intended's family. Very strange.
It definitely is very concerning and I hope it’s just some sort of honeymoon period where they want to spend all their time together etc. If there is something he’s reaentful or angry about I hope he decides to say something before too long.
Ultimately it’s his responsibility to do his part to keep in contact with his family, etc even if she happens to be a super controlling girl and possessive.
This exact scenario happened to my wife's (male) cousin, well the part about the 'super controlling girl.' We were never really close to him so it didn't matter but we watched it unroll from afar (we're also 3 time zones away).
It was the cousin's first serious girlfriend and I guess everyone else in the family underestimated how immature he was and susceptible to a controlling partner. But that's what it really boiled down to. Two people with issues combining their lives.
They married, had kids quickly, and only slowly re-engaged the family.
Fast forward 15 years and my wife gets a facebook message from her (not her cousin...but the controlling spouse) as if they've been besties for 15 years and asking us if we can get together during their vacation to our state. Ummmm, yeah.....no thanks. Who are you again?
I agree. To me it is a real Red Flag that he only calls when she is at work or school. I wonder if she has forbidden him to have contact with his family. Since, he is fairly young and this is his first serious girlfriend he may not realize that this is not normal behavior. Sadly, there really isn't anything that you can do about it.
Yep, I agree. There may not be a thing to do about it.
It sounds like you already have it out for the son's new bride. I feel for this lady. I really do. Poor girl.
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