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Old 03-18-2018, 08:03 PM
 
113 posts, read 49,068 times
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Kinda odd situation, early 20’s stepson is getting married near the end of this this year and no one in his family has met her, including his actual mother. Before I launch into it, all of us (him along with his dad, his bio mom, me, his stepsister) we all have a good relationship with said son and I’ve been in his life since before he started grade school. There hasn’t been any “drama.”

Son is away at college, at least a half day’s drive from our location and only a few hours away from where his mom is currently living. Son started dating a young woman a little over a year ago and they became engaged last fall. We’ve never met her ...by “we’ve” I mean his entire family, mom and dad’s side both. It’s less odd that we haven’t met her because we live further away and can’t visit as often. The last time any of us visited him he did not bring his GF along. I know for a fact he and his GF have driven through the town his mom lives in and they didn’t stop to see her. His mom doesn’t know this happened but my daughter became aware of the situation by happenstance.

The longer this relationship has gone on the more “absent” he seems to be. He’s all but disappeared from social media, none of us hear from him like we used to (not all of which is a surprise in these situations), and he is vague when anyone asks him when he’s free for a visit. “Maybe in the fall” or “I’m really busy and not sure when I’ll have time” are the answers he usually has. I think it’s a little odd but maybe I’m wrong?

They became engaged after dating for less than a year and there has been no demonstrated interest on the GF’s part to get to know her fiance’s family, not even his mom who he is (was??) pretty close to. That’s the part I found to be the most odd, that there has been no effort to introduce her to his mother. I thought perhaps she just “isn’t into family” but her FB profile clearly indicates otherwise. They spend a LOT of time with her family who does live the closest to where they do.

We personally don’t want to meet his fiancé for the first time at their wedding but we can’t get him to commit to a get together. Nor can his mom or his stepsister. I don’t think this is normal but please do enlighten me if it sounds like we’re overreacting. My daughter, his mom, and me are connected with his fiancé on various social media but there’s been no interaction despite attempts to reach out to her. There’s also been a couple red flags ...his fiancé thought a text to our son from his stepsister was “just some girl trying to talk to my boyfriend” because she didn’t recognize her last name. We also have reason to believe she reads the texts we send him but doesn’t tell him we texted him and he figures it out later. It’s their business if she has access to his phone but at least tell him he has messages to read/respond to.

Isn’t it normal to be given an opportunity to meet your kid’s soon to be spouse before the wedding?
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:05 PM
 
113 posts, read 49,068 times
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^^ sorry for the novel^^
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,101 posts, read 36,886,163 times
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Is there a chance she's pregnant?

Is she of a different culture that he feels might be problematic for some members of his family, so he's just avoiding it for as long as possible?

It sounds like you're worried she is controlling him, to some extent?
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:16 PM
 
113 posts, read 49,068 times
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Also, we’ve discussed the idea of just showing up at their house unannounced but it seems like that could be a dicey thing to do and probably wouldn’t be well received on at least the GF’s part. He IS an adult and isn’t required to introduce his GF to anyone if he doesn’t want to. We’re also not pushy people and because of that the surprise visit would get awkward real quick; our son would know we weren’t “just in the area.”
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:22 PM
 
113 posts, read 49,068 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Is there a chance she's pregnant?

Is she of a different culture that he feels might be problematic for some members of his family, so he's just avoiding it for as long as possible?

It sounds like you're worried she is controlling him, to some extent?
I suppose there’s always that chance but he knows me, of all his parents, would not be upset. Nor would his dad. His mom probably would be upset. She’s not from a different culture and from what we do know they have very similar backgrounds.

We definitely are wondering if she is controlling their lives but we obviously don’t really know and don’t want to assume. Our son has never been one to be led around by the nose but there’s a first time for everything.

Gosh, if it were me I’d want to meet my soon to be new in-laws if for nothing more than to see what I was getting into! There really seems to be zero interest on her part coupled with his avoidant behavior ...which only started with him after they began dating.
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:29 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,101 posts, read 36,886,163 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
I suppose there’s always that chance but he knows me, of all his parents, would not be upset. Nor would his dad. His mom probably would be upset. She’s not from a different culture and from what we do know they have very similar backgrounds.

We definitely are wondering if she is controlling their lives but we obviously don’t really know and don’t want to assume. Our son has never been one to be led around by the nose but there’s a first time for everything.

Gosh, if it were me I’d want to meet my soon to be new in-laws if for nothing more than to see what I was getting into! There really seems to be zero interest on her part coupled with his avoidant behavior ...which only started with him after they began dating.
It does seem unusual, and of course is less than ideal, but the only thing I think you should do right now is express your general concern about his seeming to avoid introducing her to you, then ... drop it.

He's an adult, and he's making a choice. It may not look the way you all imagined his wedding scenario, but apparently this is how it's going to happen.

So tell him your concerns, and then let it go.
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Old 03-18-2018, 08:43 PM
 
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This seems very odd. Why not have your husband call him and say, "Son, we're so happy for you. We would like to meet her, and soon. How is next weekend for us to come take you guys out to dinner?"

If he says no, then Dad's gotta say something to the effect of "Why don't you want us to meet her?" And if he won't be forthcoming, you've got to accept it, and just hope he invites you to the wedding.

But if he asks for you guys to pay for anything, including the traditional groom's family stuff, like a rehearsal dinner, Dad should say, "Let's talk about that after we meet her, son".

I cannot imagine why he would do this, unless there's something he is hiding. If she were pregnant, that's not something to hide. It's a reason to move the wedding up. If she had a stutter, or were painfully shy, he could warn you beforehand. And I cannot see how a girl would NOT want to meet her intended's family. Very strange.
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Old 03-18-2018, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,302 posts, read 15,595,148 times
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Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
This seems very odd. Why not have your husband call him and say, "Son, we're so happy for you. We would like to meet her, and soon. How is next weekend for us to come take you guys out to dinner?"

If he says no, then Dad's gotta say something to the effect of "Why don't you want us to meet her?" And if he won't be forthcoming, you've got to accept it, and just hope he invites you to the wedding.

But if he asks for you guys to pay for anything, including the traditional groom's family stuff, like a rehearsal dinner, Dad should say, "Let's talk about that after we meet her, son".

I cannot imagine why he would do this, unless there's something he is hiding. If she were pregnant, that's not something to hide. It's a reason to move the wedding up. If she had a stutter, or were painfully shy, he could warn you beforehand. And I cannot see how a girl would NOT want to meet her intended's family. Very strange.
I agree with all of the points made by parentologist.

Yes, it is quite odd that you haven't met her. They only live "a half days" drive away not on the moon.

Heck, when our daughter was dating a man from another continent, and it was getting somewhat serious we met him via Skype and had numerous conversations with him before he was able to visit the US and meet us in person. And, they were just dating not even engaged. Our son and his GF lived 2,000 miles away and we met her several times before they got engaged. We even met her parents before they became engaged. And, after they were engaged we were part of the wedding planning.

How independent is your stepson? Is he paying for college himself? Does he ask for extra money? Will he be graduating and does he have a job? Who is paying for the wedding? Has anyone on your side been asked about any of the wedding plans? Will he be able to support himself in the future without any help from your family?

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-18-2018 at 09:34 PM..
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Old 03-18-2018, 09:34 PM
 
113 posts, read 49,068 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
This seems very odd. Why not have your husband call him and say, "Son, we're so happy for you. We would like to meet her, and soon. How is next weekend for us to come take you guys out to dinner?"

If he says no, then Dad's gotta say something to the effect of "Why don't you want us to meet her?" And if he won't be forthcoming, you've got to accept it, and just hope he invites you to the wedding.

But if he asks for you guys to pay for anything, including the traditional groom's family stuff, like a rehearsal dinner, Dad should say, "Let's talk about that after we meet her, son".

I cannot imagine why he would do this, unless there's something he is hiding. If she were pregnant, that's not something to hide. It's a reason to move the wedding up. If she had a stutter, or were painfully shy, he could warn you beforehand. And I cannot see how a girl would NOT want to meet her intended's family. Very strange.
Your first suggestion is a very good one and we’ve both tried it to no avail. When his dad asked why he didn’t want his fiancé to meet any of us, including the kid’s own mother, he had a whole litany of excuses. These are the same excuses he’s fed his mom and my daughter, his stepsister. My other stepson lives an hour across town from them and in a year or so’s time has only met the fiancé once. He told me she was “polite but didn’t want to stick around.” My other stepson is friendly and nice and I doubt he said or did anything off putting.

We’ve all been told by our son we are going to be invited to the wedding but haven’t seen anything yet. We’ve not been asked to pay for anything, at least not yet but I/we intend to use your suggested response should the subject arise and we still haven’t met her.

She and I are connected on social media and she does not appear to be shy, more like just not interested ...in his whole family. She herself has a large family and it looks like a lot of friends. It is what it is if she truly isn’t interested, but would find that odd given she hasn’t actually met any of us, therefore has nothing yet to go off of. What’s also interesting is she is seemingly not interested in his entire family. It would be one thing if it looked like she was avoiding a few specific people in his family but not so; she’s avoiding everyone.
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Old 03-18-2018, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,302 posts, read 15,595,148 times
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Originally Posted by puglandia View Post
Your first suggestion is a very good one and we’ve both tried it to no avail. When his dad asked why he didn’t want his fiancé to meet any of us, including the kid’s own mother, he had a whole litany of excuses. These are the same excuses he’s fed his mom and my daughter, his stepsister. My other stepson lives an hour across town from them and in a year or so’s time has only met the fiancé once. He told me she was “polite but didn’t want to stick around.” My other stepson is friendly and nice and I doubt he said or did anything off putting.

We’ve all been told by our son we are going to be invited to the wedding but haven’t seen anything yet. We’ve not been asked to pay for anything, at least not yet but I/we intend to use your suggested response should the subject arise and we still haven’t met her.

She and I are connected on social media and she does not appear to be shy, more like just not interested ...in his whole family. She herself has a large family and it looks like a lot of friends. It is what it is if she truly isn’t interested, but would find that odd given she hasn’t actually met any of us, therefore has nothing yet to go off of. What’s also interesting is she is seemingly not interested in his entire family. It would be one thing if it looked like she was avoiding a few specific people in his family but not so; she’s avoiding everyone.
Who would not be "not interested" in meeting her fiancé's parents and other family members? Maybe she is just self-centered, such as "I already have a family, why do I need more people in my life?". Or maybe she is controlling and is demanding that he cuts ties with his family.

Is her family a different socio-economic group? Perhaps, very wealthy and look down on middle class people? Or they are all high level professionals and you are blue color? Or a different ethnic group, that is "allowing" your step-son to join their group but don't want to meet any other outsiders (like his family)?

Frankly, if it was me, I would be worried that he would be joining her family and completely leaving his family (all of you) behind. There really isn't anything that you can do about that but keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck to you. It must be very frustrating.
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