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Do you know what the nephew told his father about whether he had a good time?
I have a friend who is very introverted and we'd do something together where I felt like she couldn't possibly be enjoying herself because she was so quiet and reserved. But then I'd hear from other friends afterwards about how she loved that activity and had such a great time. Obviously my perception didn't fit with hers!
So possibly, even though it was much more low key than you would have thought a couple of 23 year olds would have wanted, perhaps from their perspective, they did have a good time?
Having said that, if I were your wife, I still might kind of bring it up in the sense of saying something like So how is John doing? It was so nice to see him and spend time together. He's a quiet type, isn't he? Just like you when we were kids/just the opposite of you when we were kids - whichever applies. But it opens up the chance for a bit more conversation and for your wife to give a little more detail to her brother if he's receptive to hearing it. Or maybe he will just laugh and say yes, he's so low key but he's doing fine.
To the extent that anything really was a warning sign that is worth getting a little worried about, that gives your wife a chance to convey that info. Or maybe this is just a low key kid, even at 23, and he's fine. The fact that he had a friend to travel with is a good sign at least, he's not so much of a loner that he doesn't have any friends.
I don't think the OP has to worry about being asked to host again. This kid is 23, it's past time for the grownups in his life to facilitate his spring break plans.
OP, I'm curious, did the nephew offer thanks for the visit upon his return home?
Yes, they thanked us. They are certainly polite in that respect.
Yes, they thanked us. They are certainly polite in that respect.
At least they did that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
Did your nephew and his friend seem to be getting along while they were there?
Maybe they had a fight on the trip, and it was affecting the mood of the whole visit?
That's a good point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by emm74
D But then I'd hear from other friends afterwards about how she loved that activity and had such a great time. Obviously my perception didn't fit with hers!
That may be true but I have known people who lie about their trips because they want people "back home" to think their life is great. Sad but true...and kind of sick. Not saying that was what happened with you
I wouldn't have said it was great. I might have said I'm not sure if the young men had as good a time as they expected. And go from there. I'm not one for stretching the truth as I think too many people already do that.
I don't think the OP has to worry about being asked to host again. This kid is 23, it's past time for the grownups in his life to facilitate his spring break plans.
Yep, but his parents obviously did facilitate this trip at age 23. Who knows what they will arrange for Christmas?
Seriously, though, I don't see the problem with dropping a few sentences along the lines of, "We loved having them here. I'm not sure they enjoyed the visit since they didn't really do much while they were here. We hardly saw them, and they didn't say much when we did, so I want to be sure nothing happened to upset them."
At least that way the brother knows it wasn't ideal for either party and that there may be something to address.
And the OP won't have any kind of awkward explaining to do in subsequent conversations.
Yep, but his parents obviously did facilitate this trip at age 23. Who knows what they will arrange for Christmas?
Seriously, though, I don't see the problem with dropping a few sentences along the lines of, "We loved having them here. I'm not sure they enjoyed the visit since they didn't really do much while they were here. We hardly saw them, and they didn't say much when we did, so I want to be sure nothing happened to upset them."
At least that way the brother knows it wasn't ideal for either party and that there may be something to address.
And the OP won't have any kind of awkward explaining to do in subsequent conversations.
Although it's my wife's brother and not mine, I would probably say a couple things like that if it came up naturally.
Op, maybe they came just to visit you. That is, when my nieces and nephews come visit me, we don’t do anything but hang together. Maybe we might catch a movie, but not much more. We just like to catch up and hang out. It’s fun. My sibs and our kids are all close even though we all live in different states.
I thought about posting this elsewhere but I think it fits here...
My wife's nephew and a friend (both 23yo) stayed with us over spring break (they graduate in May). Wife's older brother's son. We paid for 1/2 his ticket, his dad the other half. They stayed in our guest suite.
We live a continent apart so we're not really close; he was a toddler when we moved away. nevertheless we see him once a year and send gifts and he sends kind thank yous etc. Nice kid as far as I've experienced him. Doesn't get into trouble, does well in school, has a good job waiting for him. On the flip side, he has had depression issues treated with ongoing meds, and probably also some low-level anxiety. This we've heard from his parents.
We live in SoCal and there's a million things to do, many of which he expressed interest in doing when planning the trip. Long story short: they barely did anything, barely spoke, and just kind of seemed to have a bad time overall. Things we set up for them (their choices) they did the bare minimum and wanted to end the events early. Even my wife, who is a blood relative, was somewhat relieved to see them go. Her first reaction was, "what the hell did they bother coming out for?!"
Anyhow...I am willing to chalk it up to age...but they aren't really teenagers anymore?
I could also chalk it up to the depression/meds (his friend is on meds too, including, we believe, self-prescribed Adderall)?
So my BIL, wife's brother, asked her how it went and my wife said it was great, and her brother responded that it was great they we all had a chance finally to have a bonding family experience.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
However...so what? How important is it to be honest here, especially if the truth is kind of inconsequential? All it would amount to is telling him his kid and friend were sort of a lump to be around, what's the point in that? My wife and I already agree...she's shared the truth with others, just not her brother, the dad.
If you were the parent of these guys would you need/want to know the so-called truth?
If that was my nephew I would have talked to him during the trip and/or called my brother during the trip to see if I could figure out what was going wrong. If the nephew said before the trip "I want to do this and that and the other thing" and then didn't want to do those things or cut them short that would have been a big Red Flag that something was off. Maybe he wasn't feeling well or was exhausted from classes or maybe he had a fight with his friend or maybe he didn't like the food that you were serving (became a vegetarian and was afraid to tell you) or something?
And, if I did not say anything during the trip I would have been much more honest with my brother after the trip when he asked about it. Yes, as a parent I would have wanted to know the truth (or at least most of the truth). Perhaps, this was the first trip that the son has made on his own and he did not know what was expected as a guest. If you don't tell the brother how will he know that his son could improve his "guest behavior"? Or maybe, he will think that he son had such a great time that he will encourage him to visit again.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-19-2018 at 07:04 PM..
How do you know they didn’t have a good time? Perception is reality, perhaps they did have a really good time. Their definition on what to do could be different. You’re making assumptions on their behalf.
To me this sounds like typical millennial behavior. Sorry that you invested your time, emotional energy, and money into people who didn't appreciate it.
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