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My kids tell me i can come by anytime I like when I can make the hour and a half ride one way. Instead of driving myself crazy, I am getting a puppy. Don't get me wrong, I love those little ones, but DIL has effectively carved my presence out out of their lives, except when I am absolutely needed. Quite the common grandmother story for the mother of the dad. It makes me so sad some days, brings tears to my eyes typing this, but saying something only makes a sad situation worse.
So OP, do what I did, set limits with the grandparents, set your off limits time and stick to it. There must be a way the grandfathers can get their time in when their wives have the kids and free your weekends up so you can get your time back. Soon you will treasure those weekends of peace when LO is off to Grandmas.
I'm so sorry you feel this way. I do think that it's a good idea for you to tell your husband, in a calm and measured way, at a time that you two are not stressed out, that you want carved out uninterrupted time with just him and the baby.
Why not plan that Saturday night is date night for you and your husband? You can take the grandchild over to the parents' house around 6 PM, and leave him there overnight. Alternate grandparent houses. If the grands want, they can invite the other ones over for dinner Sat nights and all enjoy him together. And you guys get an evening out, and a night home together without the baby. Then pick him up Sunday AM.
This way, you have Friday night through Sat afternoon alone, and Sunday alone with him. And make that written in stone, that they leave you guys alone during that time, unless invited over.
Please do realize that you are INCREDIBLY lucky to have grandparent daycare! Aside from the money saved, your child would be constantly sick were he in daycare, and you would be up all night with a sick baby, and not be able to work while at home, because when the baby is sick (which is all the time, for the first two winters in daycare), you won't be able to send him to daycare, so you won't be able to work. Plus, the baby suffers. So try to re-frame your attitude.
Oh, and plan a vacation or two together, without the baby or the grands, because they won't be around forever to provide free childcare!
I’m seeking some advice from grandparents because I don’t know what to think.
Ever since I had DS last November, it’s been a constant stream of grandparents and I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.
Now that I’m back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I don’t see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, it’s the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. They’re not deprived of grandkid time.
That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like I’m co parenting. She parents my child.
DH is useless and doesn’t see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. I’m fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I don’t see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? He’s my son and I have to share him with everyone.
So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why can’t they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because I’m beyond frustrated.
Is this a new baby? They will eventually get tired of taking care of your baby. So enjoy it while you can. Theire saving you thousands of dollars in child care costs. If you want a day with your family then tell them you want a day that’s your family only. Did you actually tell them or just your husband. They don’t know. Since you’re not stating your intentions they assume it’s ok to show up. Just say no we’re going to have family day.
Seems to me like you’re a bit biased towards the MIL. Are you going to tell both sides of the grandparent lines? Or just your husbands side. Rules need to be the same for both sides.
Btw expect both sides to get butthurt and possibly leave you alone to raise your child. Wait until they don’t have the time and you need them to babysit or pick up from the child care and you’re both working late.
Theire around because they love you and are excited about the child. And look on the bright side. Some day you’ll be a grandma and you’ll be just as annoying to your daughter/son in law. And they will tell you that they want family day.
Is this a new baby? They will eventually get tired of taking care of your baby. So enjoy it while you can. Theire saving you thousands of dollars in child care costs. If you want a day with your family then tell them you want a day that’s your family only. Did you actually tell them or just your husband. They don’t know. Since you’re not stating your intentions they assume it’s ok to show up. Just say no we’re going to have family day.
Seems to me like you’re a bit biased towards the MIL. Are you going to tell both sides of the grandparent lines? Or just your husbands side. Rules need to be the same for both sides.
Btw expect both sides to get butthurt and possibly leave you alone to raise your child. Wait until they don’t have the time and you need them to babysit or pick up from the child care and you’re both working late.
Theire around because they love you and are excited about the child. And look on the bright side. Some day you’ll be a grandma and you’ll be just as annoying to your daughter/son in law. And they will tell you that they want family day.
To be fair I don’t have the same comfort with mil as I do my mom. Believe me my parents do annoying things as well. But they’re my parents and I don’t have any problems telling them to stop. I don’t feel that ease with mil where I can just ask her to stop without hurting her or our relationship. I do rely on H for that. If he tells her and she doesn’t like it, he’s still her son and it won’t hurt their relationship if that makes sense. I’m not sure I’m explaining that well. My parents don’t ask for Sunday’s, my dad tried once and I said no. They haven’t asked since.
I hope I’ll never be that grandparent because I don’t want that type around. But who knows what the future holds
I'm curious. Were you married a long time before you had your baby? Did your parents and in-laws spend an excessive amount of time with you and your husband before you had a child? Or were you able to spend quality time with your husband on Saturday and Sunday?
We got married because of the baby. We dated for about 7 years before we found we were pregnant. We got married, moved in together, had baby all in the same week.
While we were dating, I saw my parents ever other week and saw in laws only on holidays and birthdays. My H saw my parents every few months if that and saw his parents about once a month.
I’m seeking some advice from grandparents because I don’t know what to think.
Ever since I had DS last November, it’s been a constant stream of grandparents and I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.
Now that I’m back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I don’t see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, it’s the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. They’re not deprived of grandkid time.
That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like I’m co parenting. She parents my child.
DH is useless and doesn’t see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. I’m fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I don’t see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? He’s my son and I have to share him with everyone.
So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why can’t they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because I’m beyond frustrated.
There is a love for a grandchild that is beyond understanding until you experience it. You and your children are so blessed to have them around, but I understand your frustration.
You both have to set boundaries ASAP, or it will get worse. It is going to be a bit painful, and there will be hurt feelings but if you don't do it now, it will get progressively worse.
I haven't read all the replies but imo this is an easy fix. I think you are over complicating it. I was in the same situation as my oldest waa the 1st grandchild.
Simply talk to your parents. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Grandparents are not some intolerably, incapable of understanding species. They are people who are loving and know what it's like with a newborn.
Simply tell them you have other plans and offer them a time when they can come see the baby.
I think you'll be surprised at how rational they'll be.
Does your hubby feel the same?? If you're uncomfortable telling your MIL, tell him it's his turn up to bat. A United front helps.
Ouch. Just read you have tried talking to the GP's and they are not being reasonable.
.Humm that makes it a bit trickier. Time to get "southern strong". That's when you very sweetly and super sugary say no.
For example when they say they are coming over on Sunday, you smile and say
"Oh sugar we would love to see you but I am afraid we just won't be available and I feel so awful but just can't do it"
Just tell them you would like some space. I can see how it can be overwhelming. As a kid, one of my cousins constantly wanted to hang out and at some point I wanted time for myself so I would make excuses when it came to him wanting a sleepover. We always been close and tight that hasn't changed, but even as a kid I needed a break, so its an understandable feeling when family members can be overbearing.
However don't take for granted grandparents being in your kid's lives. I'd rather my kids be raised by grandma and grandpa than in a daycare. My parents live in Florida and I live in Minnesota so unless they move up here (unlikely at least until retirement, if they even wanna deal with the cold haha) my children will only see them a few times a year at best. Their other grandparents would be in Texas and Oregon. Grandma and grandpa visits will be infrequent for my kids.
You would feel exactly like that if he was in daycare, except that it would be random caregivers witnessing all of his firsts, instead of family members who love him like you do.
This is a case of you not being able to have it all. You can work full time and accept that your baby will be spending more time with others than with you, or you can reduce your work hours and spend more time with the baby.
I do think you should put your foot down about the weekends, except that it's probably nice to be able to run errands and grocery shop without bringing the little one along.
My goddaughter is being taken care of by her grandma (my aunt) whenever her mom is at work. Its fantastic. This same aunt used to babysit me and my siblings over summer and take care of me as a little kid so I rarely went to daycare. Its not just parents that raise kids but all the older relatives that take care of them too. But it should never cut into parental bonding time.
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