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Old 03-22-2018, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,015 posts, read 37,656,456 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aridon View Post
Dump the ***** and don't even think twice about it.

Be open and honest as to what happened and teach your kids a valuable life lesson. No one should have to put up with that.
Kids are NOT meant to take on adult problems, and being "open and honest" about the ***** is not the kind of life lesson he should be teaching them.

My state requires a 4-hour parenting class as part of the divorce process, and 90% of it is "Don't badmouth your ex." Because they're still your child's other parent.
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Old 03-22-2018, 09:47 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,071 posts, read 13,744,602 times
Reputation: 36712
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Kids are NOT meant to take on adult problems, and being "open and honest" about the ***** is not the kind of life lesson he should be teaching them.

My state requires a 4-hour parenting class as part of the divorce process, and 90% of it is "Don't badmouth your ex." Because they're still your child's other parent.
If only people would heed that advice/instruction. Too many don't and won't, and it's the children who deeply suffer and pay the high price.
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Old 03-23-2018, 04:12 AM
 
33,029 posts, read 12,488,458 times
Reputation: 20933
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
All good things to think about. I'm actually not that upset. I've detached over the past 6 months after the first incident. I hadn't thought about marriage counseling as possible prep for a life apart. I don't have much interest in trying to repair things. But I do have an interest in making things as smooth as possible for all involved.
Bipolar Disorder can often be managed with medication and counseling, but the person needs to be motivated to follow through. Therein lies the problem.

If you can stand it, your kids will be better off if you stay together. They will remain in your home where you can keep an eye on things. It's far from the ideal situation, but better than the alternative.

I agree with the advice to consult with every divorce attorney in the area. Just because you don't file for divorce doesn't mean she won't. It often happens during a manic episode, particularly if she believes she is in love with someone else.

One option you have at that time is a legal separation that separates your finances. Just because you lower the limits on your credit cards does not mean she can't open more or run up bills outside of credit cards.

Your daughter needs to be on long-term birth control, and you should use protection yourself. Not only to protect yourself from HIV and STDs, but to protect from your wife deciding that a baby will solve the estrangement between you two.

You've got a tough row to hoe here and it won't be easy.

But the stability you provide for your children will be well worth it.

I'll light a candle for you.

Good luck.
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Old 03-23-2018, 04:23 AM
 
33,029 posts, read 12,488,458 times
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Nearly every divorced parent I know regrets the impact it had on their kids.

When we were considering divorce during a rough patch, I had a long talk with a divorced friend.

She told me to stick it out. She said that her husband was still the same SOB he always with, but now she only saw her kids every other Christmas, ... She had the responsibility of raising them day in and day out and he got the vacations and weekends.

You will likely be in the same boat.

She also talked about how bewildered her kids were, how lost they were for several years.

You will be launching a couple kids into the world over the next few years. Focus on that. The time will just fly by. Don't miss out on it.
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Old 03-23-2018, 05:31 AM
 
15,824 posts, read 18,434,141 times
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The only thing that I regret is that I didn't get out sooner.

Quit now, before you resent each other to the point that you can't even co-parent.

Divorce is hard on everyone involved. But staying together, thinking it is best for the kids is imo a big mistake.

What is best for children is two parents, who have their children's best at heart. Who love their children more than they hate the spouse, working together even if divorced.....to give their children a healthy outlook. You can raise strong emotionally healthy children even if you live apart. And never speak badly about the other parent.
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Old 03-23-2018, 06:36 AM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,195 posts, read 50,480,930 times
Reputation: 60086
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Kids are NOT meant to take on adult problems, and being "open and honest" about the ***** is not the kind of life lesson he should be teaching them.

My state requires a 4-hour parenting class as part of the divorce process, and 90% of it is "Don't badmouth your ex." Because they're still your child's other parent.
^This. I was determined not to say anything negative about my ex to my dd.

They will come to draw their own conclusions in time. Recently my dd, now 26, who does love her dad, said to me, "I don't understand why you didn't hit him upside the head with a shovel when you were married." She sees how he treats his girlfriend, and he's much better now than when we were married.
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Old 03-23-2018, 08:02 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,489,790 times
Reputation: 23714
OP...am I remembering wrong or have you posted about problems between your teen daughter and your wife?
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Old 03-23-2018, 08:13 AM
 
4,093 posts, read 1,712,748 times
Reputation: 11559
Quote:
Originally Posted by aridon View Post
Dump the ***** and don't even think twice about it.

Be open and honest as to what happened and teach your kids a valuable life lesson. No one should have to put up with that.
WTF? No!
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Old 03-23-2018, 08:31 AM
 
765 posts, read 495,458 times
Reputation: 2364
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
Nearly every divorced parent I know regrets the impact it had on their kids.

When we were considering divorce during a rough patch, I had a long talk with a divorced friend.

She told me to stick it out. She said that her husband was still the same SOB he always with, but now she only saw her kids every other Christmas, ... She had the responsibility of raising them day in and day out and he got the vacations and weekends.

You will likely be in the same boat.

She also talked about how bewildered her kids were, how lost they were for several years.

You will be launching a couple kids into the world over the next few years. Focus on that. The time will just fly by. Don't miss out on it.
Bewildered. Lost. Awash in grief. That describes my children in the aftermath of divorce. I did not choose to end my marriage. My then-husband opted for divorce, in the grip of a midlife crisis. He gave no hints as to what he intended to do until the day he informed me. As a family, we were a united team, and the children had a great life with plenty of laughs and great times. That all ended as the children and I dealt with the shock of the sudden demise of our family as we knew it. We also had to cope with the pain of never knowing "why" our family had to be blown up.

The shock waves lessened over the years, but we are still dealing with the repercussions. My children lost confidence in themselves and lost confidence that their efforts in life would be rewarded. There were problems in school, a loss of interest in former activities, a loss of drive and persistence in general.

One of their therapists explained it to me like this: "They've seen that a person can live a good life and do everything right, yet have his life blown up for reasons out of his control." Basically, the children looked at their former striving for excellence in academics and sports and thought, 'What's the point?" The divorce changed who they were. I realize that other negative experiences can have similar PTSD effects, such as the death of a parent or being caught up in a terrorist attack or other violence such as a school shooting. But my attitude is, why subject your children to such shock, grief, and loss of security unless it is absolutely necessary?

On a related note: I attended the state-mandated parenting class and followed their advice about never speaking badly about the other parent to the children. But they were old enough to observe what was happening and draw their own conclusions, which were pretty ugly ones. They were in therapy for years, and still sometimes go back.
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Old 03-23-2018, 08:38 AM
bg7
 
7,698 posts, read 7,627,262 times
Reputation: 14991
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Kids are NOT meant to take on adult problems, and being "open and honest" about the ***** is not the kind of life lesson he should be teaching them.

My state requires a 4-hour parenting class as part of the divorce process, and 90% of it is "Don't badmouth your ex." Because they're still your child's other parent.
This is the fundamental difference between divorces that have continuing damaging effects on the children and divorces in which the deleterious effects are minimized.


It comes down to whether the divorcing parents are adult enough to control themselves and put their kid's best interests first when they are with the kids, rather than engage in drama, resentment, personal anger and such.


Unfortunately, most divorcing parents are too childish to conduct themselves properly - if they "feel" it they just indulge it. To hell with the consequences.
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