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Old 03-23-2018, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
6,998 posts, read 5,201,036 times
Reputation: 9442

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Kids are NOT meant to take on adult problems, and being "open and honest" about the ***** is not the kind of life lesson he should be teaching them.

My state requires a 4-hour parenting class as part of the divorce process, and 90% of it is "Don't badmouth your ex." Because they're still your child's other parent.
The 15 & 16 year old are likely old enough to draw their own conclusions on the matter, no bad mouthing is needed and its likely to backfire anyway. Because of their age, There is a 60% chance that if you tell them the sun is shining, they'll tell you it looks like rain. Some of that depends on the family and the kid, there are families out there where the kids believe everything their told by their parents into adulthood. But in general, its Way harder to blow smoke to almost-adults.

But the younger kids, you should be able to "shield," but that assumes both parents are on board, and that isn't always the case.
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Old 03-23-2018, 09:26 AM
 
17,919 posts, read 9,854,361 times
Reputation: 17410
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Kids are NOT meant to take on adult problems, and being "open and honest" about the ***** is not the kind of life lesson he should be teaching them.

My state requires a 4-hour parenting class as part of the divorce process, and 90% of it is "Don't badmouth your ex." Because they're still your child's other parent.
I didn't badmouth my ex, who left me with a 9-month-old baby to leave the state with another man.

I didn't badmouth her when she returned after five years and wanted to be "mommy" again with shared custody.

It was kind of interesting when I got a call from him when he was in high school: "Mom gets to be really <witchy> when she doesn't get what she wants, doesn't she?"

I didn't even badmouth her as she went through two more husbands.

When my son got into his mid 30s, he sat down with me, asked some serious questions, and wanted frank answers. It seems he'd done the same with his half-siblings from her other marriages.

It turns out that her other marriages had failed for the same reason--her infidelity. He learned this through is own investigation.

Now he will take his own children to her house to visit, but he won't leave them with her.
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Old 03-23-2018, 09:46 AM
 
17,919 posts, read 9,854,361 times
Reputation: 17410
Divorced children create a problem for grandparents.
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Old 03-23-2018, 10:30 AM
 
344 posts, read 217,068 times
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From the child of divorced parents, thank gawd! My parents never should have been married in the first place and when they divorced my day to day anxiety went away. Their divorce was the best thing they could have ever done for me. It doesn't mean you can't both be active in your child's life, it just means as individuals you can be the person you want. Once my dad started being the person he was meant to me, we were then open to have a really great relationship. He was one of my best friends till he day he passed, if they would have stayed together I would never had that relationship with him. Unhappy people make unhappy parents.
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Old 03-23-2018, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,058,508 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
All good things to think about. I'm actually not that upset. I've detached over the past 6 months after the first incident. I hadn't thought about marriage counseling as possible prep for a life apart. I don't have much interest in trying to repair things. But I do have an interest in making things as smooth as possible for all involved.
Don't think your kids haven't noticed. They notice everything! When my parents separated, they were amazed at the things I knew. They thought they were keeping it themselves. Nope. Kids have ears that work. They have eyes.

Just because things are ok today doesn't mean that they will stay ok. Your kids will grow up and they will become adults. They can live in a detached family that's living together and going through the motions or they can have parents who aren't together and have a decent life. There's no guarantees in life.

The worst thing you can do is trash talk your wife during the divorce and after. Never trash talk their mom! My mom loves to trash talk my dad and it's caused problems with my siblings. It gets old hearing what a piece of garbage your parent is.....kids do think to themselves that if this person was such a piece of garbage then why did you get married? Why did you have kids with such a piece of garbage? Does this make me garbage too? This is why you NEVER say nasty things about your ex. Even when you think your kids aren't around. You'd be amazed at what they can hear and what others will say to them. This includes comments in texts, Facebook, etc. If you want to say nasty stuff, write it in a locked journal that you don't keep at home. Keep it in a locked drawer or locker where you work. Not where they could ever find it.
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Old 03-23-2018, 02:40 PM
 
2,138 posts, read 1,153,707 times
Reputation: 4370
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
WTF? No!
Then let the mistakes repeat.

There is a huge difference in saying things didn't work out because Mom was unfaithful vs calling her a cheating **** every chance you get

One is fact, can show it isn't normal and there are consequences.

Vs just living together in a passive aggressive hell because your wife is out ploughing a new tinder date every other week. You got to stay together though! So those kids can learn all the dysfunction of a house that is a mess and without love.
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Old 03-23-2018, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Central IL
13,379 posts, read 7,140,948 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Your kids will all have different reactions, but what I have been told by attorneys and psychologists alike is that the divorce won't affect them as much as how you and your wife behave toward each other throughout and after the divorce process.

Are you prepared to fight for and carry out sole or primary custody?
I don't understand - the OP says they don't fight so why wouldn't they expect to have a decent post-divorce relationship? Seems like they could be fairly amicable and deal with the kids while both getting their freedom. It's doubtful he'd get sole or even primary custody and why would it be necessary if they're not yelling at each other now?
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Old 03-23-2018, 03:39 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 10,058,508 times
Reputation: 20460
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
I don't understand - the OP says they don't fight so why wouldn't they expect to have a decent post-divorce relationship? Seems like they could be fairly amicable and deal with the kids while both getting their freedom. It's doubtful he'd get sole or even primary custody and why would it be necessary if they're not yelling at each other now?
People lose their freaking minds in a divorce! I've seen people completely change into complete psychos because their ex wants something that they didn't give a rat's behind about before. Now it's like a million dollars and they want it....will fight to the death for it.....meanwhile it's a plastic $3 laundry basket from WalMart. Yup, things get that stupid and petty in a divorce.
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Old 03-23-2018, 03:57 PM
 
6,763 posts, read 2,629,921 times
Reputation: 18328
Quote:
Originally Posted by cayennev8 View Post
From the child of divorced parents, thank gawd! My parents never should have been married in the first place and when they divorced my day to day anxiety went away. Their divorce was the best thing they could have ever done for me. It doesn't mean you can't both be active in your child's life, it just means as individuals you can be the person you want. Once my dad started being the person he was meant to me, we were then open to have a really great relationship. He was one of my best friends till he day he passed, if they would have stayed together I would never had that relationship with him. Unhappy people make unhappy parents.
Right. If two people are so completely immature and selfish that they can't even behave civilly around the one person in the world they picked to spend the rest of their lives with, it is better that they split up. Parents who make home life hell ARE a relief when at least the hell is cut in half when you are visiting them individually.

But as others have said, the absence of one parent in the home opens the door for another partner. That new partner may have good intentions, but they bring with them other children who cause blended family problems. If they don't have kids of their own they say things like "your son is too clingy. You need to make a man out of him" or "can't we ever do things without the kids being around all the time"?

Ugh.

Hang in there if you can, OP.
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Old 03-23-2018, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,084 posts, read 37,733,259 times
Reputation: 73748
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
I don't understand - the OP says they don't fight so why wouldn't they expect to have a decent post-divorce relationship? Seems like they could be fairly amicable and deal with the kids while both getting their freedom. It's doubtful he'd get sole or even primary custody and why would it be necessary if they're not yelling at each other now?
Yelling isn't the worst-case scenario here.

A divorce takes time, and when attorneys get involved things can get very adversarial during that time, even if they did not start out that way.

Add to that the fact that his wife is bipolar, and there really isn't anything off the table.

That plus her previous sexting/liaisons/whatever they were are other reasons I think he could get custody. That kind of stuff comes out during mediation, if they go that route.

He says their home life is "fine" now, and the kids are supposedly thriving. SO ... sure, the OP could sacrifice his own personal health and sanity and keep pretending everything is "fine," as long as no one is yelling at each other.

Only he can decide if that is really worth it. It's a completely crappy decision to have to make.
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