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Old 03-23-2018, 06:28 PM
 
Location: Seattle Eastside
640 posts, read 276,123 times
Reputation: 1476

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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
Would it have been better if you stayed together, even it was a bad situation?

I've caught my wife sexting the same guy twice now, asking to meet up, etc.. I really tried after I caught her the first time. We did marriage counseling, I tried to give her more attention etc. We made it 6 months, and I just happened to find out she started it up again a few weeks ago. She also has bipolar, which is hard enough to live with because she does have mood swings and impulse issues. So I've given up on having a healthy marriage.

Personally, I want to be free and to move on. I got over being terribly upset after the first time. But fool me once, shame on you ... fool me twice, shame on me.

However, we have four kids. Ages 15,14, 6, and 4. The thing is though, we don't have a ton of shouting matches and terrible fights in front of the kids. My wife has her faults, but for the most part treats them well and is involved. So we can actually have a relatively stable home life. Far from perfect, but overall the atmosphere isn't terrible. And for the most part they are thriving ... with just some normal issues for kids their ages. They are doing well in school, involved in music and activities, have friends (even a boyfriend for my daughter), and seem happy.

I feel like breaking up the family would be more harmful to them, than the flawed, but not horrible parental situation. Just curious other people's perspectives.
No, in my case it was not only adultery, it was lots of yelling, abandonment, and a potentially dangerous financial situation that could have left us homeless if I didn't have full control of finances (he has been homeless since then).

I didn't want a divorce. I do believe that my kids have been harmed. However, given the yelling, the swearing, the throwing things, never knowing if daddy would come home, and then as I mentioned the descent into poverty in spite of both of us working--the kids are ultimately better off.

The fact is their dad is not someone who can be raising kids, and who will sabotage another adult.

Still, I did not leave. To my relief, he left me (!) and said it in front of the kids, and that was that. Changed the locks and left. But I was ready to stick it out.

I'm so glad he left!

If your wife does not hit, throw things, or yell, I would suggest a quiet open relationship instead. Can you agree that you have "dad's night" and she has "mom's night", you have a family day as co-parents every weekend, and then each take a day every other weekend to enjoy a different relationship?

I would consider swinging/open relationship before divorce in your case. It would be much more stable for the kids, according to what you've written here. If she gets violent or steals from family funds (college funds, etc.) then that would be different. You have to protect the kids first and foremost, as you yourself expressed.
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Old 03-23-2018, 06:33 PM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,420,035 times
Reputation: 23701
The OP did post about his wife being mentally and verbally abusive to their older daughter.

This needs to be factored in.

In my experience, it is very damaging to kids to watch the discourse. But in this case, at least one child is being abused by the mother.

That adds other levels.

I think if you cover over, act fine, just try to play back up, etc it is way worse then leaving. Even if she gets half custody. Staying sends a message that we have to put up with abuse, we are helpless, maybe we deserve it, etc if you don't divorce and fight for custody.

If the children are being abused...as I suspect they are on some level...staying teaching the kids to accept it.
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Old 03-23-2018, 07:11 PM
 
1,779 posts, read 6,801,842 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
OP...am I remembering wrong or have you posted about problems between your teen daughter and your wife?
Yes there have been incidents, where it was almost like sibling fighting rather than parent-child. Thatís actually improved over the last 6 months.
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Old 03-23-2018, 08:12 PM
DKM
 
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
1,997 posts, read 640,527 times
Reputation: 2155
Stick with it and get a girlfriend on the side.
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Old 03-23-2018, 09:12 PM
 
Location: NOT in the Land of lollipops & unicorns...I live in reality.
980 posts, read 849,455 times
Reputation: 1662
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Your kids will all have different reactions, but what I have been told by attorneys and psychologists alike is that the divorce won't affect them as much as how you and your wife behave toward each other throughout and after the divorce process.

Are you prepared to fight for and carry out sole or primary custody?
Kids are SO perceptive, even at ages 4 & 6, they 'see' things that they do not have the verbal skills to talk about or understand, but they know somethings aren't right. Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one.
When you divorce, it is NO LONGER about the two of you but raising healthy kids to be independent adults. NO bad-mouthing Mom in front of the kids...EVER! That is what friends are for or family who you speak to in a different place, but not on a phone or in another room where kids are. NOTHING breaks a kid's spirit more than one parent bashing the other. You still need to participate in certain 'family things'...birthdays, holidays, school stuff. Go and do it for the small amount of time they take and really remember some of the good times you had in the past 15+ yrs while you are there or the kids "FEEL" it's all a farce. Alternate the bigger holidays and IF it happens that it isn't your 'turn' and she needs them on a certain day for some reason, let it go...in the grand scheme of life it's a day our of many. You essentially are showing your kids HOW ADULTS should act IF/when they must divorce. They are watching you (and her) like they would do on any other learning skill. All that matters now will be raising those kids to be happy & healthy adults.
I have lived it. I walked this walk and it was very difficult for the first 3 yrs because my EX was from a family who believed 'you must hate your EX and make life hell for them'. I refused to play that game. It finally sunk into his head and we remain friends to this day....23 yrs later. No, I don't want him back (he chose alcohol over us), but our son came from our love and he is now a 26 yr old man who is finishing University and not on drugs, etc. He goes to his dad's for certain things and he comes to me for others. I have little guilt over having to divorce and am proud to have done it MY way and not a hateful one. If it wasn't for my peers at work, those first 3 yrs, I'm not sure what I would have done mentally.
Good luck to you in your future.
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Old 03-24-2018, 09:34 PM
 
169 posts, read 88,606 times
Reputation: 181
The fact that you even asked rather than impulsively rushed to divorce proves youíre a real man. Iím sorry your wife is on the verge of committing the serious crime of adultery.
Donít get divorced. It will destroy your children. Do you want your daughters to be strippers? Use drugs? Spend time with mommyís new partner? As long as your together, you are a buffer between your kids and him.
Look on YouTube for some Bishop Sheen videos. They will bring you peace learning and perspective.
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Old 03-24-2018, 09:56 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,305 posts, read 9,960,755 times
Reputation: 20454
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyKatie3 View Post
The fact that you even asked rather than impulsively rushed to divorce proves youíre a real man. Iím sorry your wife is on the verge of committing the serious crime of adultery.
Donít get divorced. It will destroy your children. Do you want your daughters to be strippers? Use drugs? Spend time with mommyís new partner? As long as your together, you are a buffer between your kids and him.
Look on YouTube for some Bishop Sheen videos. They will bring you peace learning and perspective.
There are plenty of women who are/were strippers whose parents were married and never divorced. Plenty of drug users have married parents as well. Same with alcoholics.
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Old 03-25-2018, 09:50 AM
 
1,779 posts, read 6,801,842 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyKatie3 View Post
The fact that you even asked rather than impulsively rushed to divorce proves youíre a real man. Iím sorry your wife is on the verge of committing the serious crime of adultery.
Donít get divorced. It will destroy your children. Do you want your daughters to be strippers? Use drugs? Spend time with mommyís new partner? As long as your together, you are a buffer between your kids and him.
Look on YouTube for some Bishop Sheen videos. They will bring you peace learning and perspective.
Thank you. You do bring up a good point about being a buffer. This guy she's been contacting has a history of PTSD, substance abuse etc. They met in a group therapy setting. I do not want that influence in their lives, and I think her bad choices would beget more bad choices.
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Old 03-27-2018, 12:13 PM
 
826 posts, read 938,916 times
Reputation: 1658
This is actually a conversation that I've had with my mother a few times. She chose to split with my father when I was around 4, largely due to his alcoholism and constant need to yell/argue. At one point I recall watching the dining room table go through the door wall. He liked to throw things. Thankfully never got physically abusive, that I know of, but he sure liked to shoot his mouth off. He kicked the bucket a couple years ago, and although I don't know the cause, I'm sure the drinking had a lot to do with it.

I don't recall him ever not having a beer in his hand, nor trashing my mother, and most of his side of the family eventually joined in as well in telling me how horrible a person she was. I went to live with him around age 11 or 12, because he was very good at promising a kid everything he wants, but really just saw it as another avenue to get back at mom. I eventually walked out of his life at 17, and never looked back.

That said, I'm 37 now, and most of personal relationships were trashed through my life, largely due to being terrified of becoming him, and not wanting to subject anyone else to that nightmare. I refused to get close to anyone, friend or otherwise. I've just recently started seeing things differently, but the damage has definitely been done.

On the other side though, I'm ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that my life would be a whole bigger level of hell had mom stayed with him. I don't believe there's a good answer in these situations, where the kids come out entirely free of issues and full of rainbows. Mom had me in counseling for a while before I went to live with my father, but really that was just a really expensive hour of playing games for me. Every kid is going to handle it differently.
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Old 03-29-2018, 06:42 AM
 
6,895 posts, read 3,693,612 times
Reputation: 4604
Children from broken homes are at a disadvantage. It does negatively effect them. Of course it bothers me that they are in the situation but I had zero control. I was not the parent that chose the "single parent lifestyle" for them. I have done my best to give them everything normally supplied by both parents.
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