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Old 04-21-2018, 07:59 AM
 
637 posts, read 219,279 times
Reputation: 986

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I really want y'all to try to work it out. You do love her right? You have four amazing children. I know you have detached and it is completely OK to be angry with her.

Why not go to counseling by yourself or agree to open up the marriage, obviously she already has. Why is she so interested in having a relationship on the side? Problems in the marriage? Lack of intimacy/sex? Lack of communication?

Of course, I think monogamy is the best way to go, but sometimes unconventional marriages work too.

People will get what they need eventually-ethics aside. Desire is a very powerful force.

If an open marriage isn't a viable option, and it violates your moral code then just pray like crazy until you can get some sort of answer to this.

I just think it would be way harder financially and emotionally to split-not unless you just can't see any other option.

Marriages just go through so many seasons and stages and your in a crappy one. I would just hate it if you have all these years invested in each other and just throw it away.
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Old 04-30-2018, 09:18 PM
 
1,779 posts, read 6,817,298 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilly9244 View Post
Why not go to counseling by yourself or agree to open up the marriage, obviously she already has. Why is she so interested in having a relationship on the side? Problems in the marriage? Lack of intimacy/sex? Lack of communication?
I haven't checked for a while, but appreciate the responses. I'm sort of done with counseling. It was actually worse than I thought. While we were in marriage counseling, she was actively pursuing this guy. Like she sexted him right before she said things were good and told our MC we didn't need any more sessions. Then the day after our last session as well. So that destroyed pretty much all desire on my part to try counseling.

Having said that, she swears she has now gone a full month without contacting him. I wish it wasn't such a monumental acheivment, but I guess that's good.

I've decided not to bail just yet. Even if things aren't what I wanted, they are semi-tolerable and for the sake of the kids I can afford to wait it out to see what happens. Not what I hoped for, but for their sakes it'll do for now.
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Old 05-01-2018, 05:59 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,773 posts, read 37,478,570 times
Reputation: 73200
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
I haven't checked for a while, but appreciate the responses. I'm sort of done with counseling. It was actually worse than I thought. While we were in marriage counseling, she was actively pursuing this guy. Like she sexted him right before she said things were good and told our MC we didn't need any more sessions. Then the day after our last session as well. So that destroyed pretty much all desire on my part to try counseling.
I have to say ... counseling isn't magic. This ^^^ isn't a problem with counseling. Marriage counseling won't work if both partners aren't all on board.

I do wish you the best. It sounds like you could benefit from some individual help, but I understand your hesitation. Even so, living while wondering if she's gonna step out again is no way to live.
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Old 05-05-2018, 04:27 PM
 
1,582 posts, read 1,427,534 times
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I don't have anything to add, but felt compelled to post how sad it made me feel to read all of these posts.
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Old 05-05-2018, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,773 posts, read 37,478,570 times
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Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
I don't have anything to add, but felt compelled to post how sad it made me feel to read all of these posts.
Life hurts sometimes.
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Old 05-05-2018, 08:53 PM
 
346 posts, read 654,090 times
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Op, you are telling my story.She might as well have been texting her internet man while in a session with the counselor, oh wait, she did both before and after the session.

Best advise I can give is to go ahead with the divorce but remain civil, never fight or talk badly about the ex around the kids and be there for them whenever they need you. Attend their school events and anything else that interests them .

It's been almost 20 years and my children have grown into people I admire and respect.

In the end it all worked out well for me and the kids, not so sure her multiple internet men worked out as well for her.
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Old 05-06-2018, 08:30 PM
 
1,779 posts, read 6,817,298 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevink1955 View Post
Op, you are telling my story.She might as well have been texting her internet man while in a session with the counselor, oh wait, she did both before and after the session.

Best advise I can give is to go ahead with the divorce but remain civil, never fight or talk badly about the ex around the kids and be there for them whenever they need you. Attend their school events and anything else that interests them .

It's been almost 20 years and my children have grown into people I admire and respect.

In the end it all worked out well for me and the kids, not so sure her multiple internet men worked out as well for her.
Sad that it appears to be somewhat commonplace, but thank you for the good advice.
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Old 05-06-2018, 08:32 PM
 
Location: planet earth
2,737 posts, read 977,124 times
Reputation: 6338
Yes. I regret it deeply. It really screwed up the kids. Caused all kinds of problems that would not have happened had the family been kept intact. I don't know HOW I could have managed to stay in the marriage, but I wish I had figured something out!

If you have a choice about it, stay married and get into counseling.

And don't argue or "act out" around the kids. Also, don't have affairs cuz that will also screw up the kids!
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Old 05-07-2018, 05:36 AM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,735 posts, read 1,984,843 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Yes. I regret it deeply. It really screwed up the kids. Caused all kinds of problems that would not have happened had the family been kept intact. I don't know HOW I could have managed to stay in the marriage, but I wish I had figured something out!

If you have a choice about it, stay married and get into counseling.

And don't argue or "act out" around the kids. Also, don't have affairs cuz that will also screw up the kids!
You can't say that about everyone's situation. For others, it's best to leave the marriage.
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Old 05-08-2018, 03:12 PM
 
1,779 posts, read 6,817,298 times
Reputation: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
You can't say that about everyone's situation. For others, it's best to leave the marriage.
You are correct. I do appreciate the sentiment and experience provided about the impacts divorcing had on that poster. But counseling only works when two are invested. Since she was sexting and lying about it to me and the marriage counselor, counseling is not going to solve the issue.

Maybe she has turned a corner, but my guard will always be up until the situation is resolved one way or another.
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