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Old 03-21-2018, 07:42 PM
 
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Would it have been better if you stayed together, even it was a bad situation?

I've caught my wife sexting the same guy twice now, asking to meet up, etc.. I really tried after I caught her the first time. We did marriage counseling, I tried to give her more attention etc. We made it 6 months, and I just happened to find out she started it up again a few weeks ago. She also has bipolar, which is hard enough to live with because she does have mood swings and impulse issues. So I've given up on having a healthy marriage.

Personally, I want to be free and to move on. I got over being terribly upset after the first time. But fool me once, shame on you ... fool me twice, shame on me.

However, we have four kids. Ages 15,14, 6, and 4. The thing is though, we don't have a ton of shouting matches and terrible fights in front of the kids. My wife has her faults, but for the most part treats them well and is involved. So we can actually have a relatively stable home life. Far from perfect, but overall the atmosphere isn't terrible. And for the most part they are thriving ... with just some normal issues for kids their ages. They are doing well in school, involved in music and activities, have friends (even a boyfriend for my daughter), and seem happy.

I feel like breaking up the family would be more harmful to them, than the flawed, but not horrible parental situation. Just curious other people's perspectives.
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Old 03-21-2018, 09:17 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
Would it have been better if you stayed together, even it was a bad situation?

I've caught my wife sexting the same guy twice now, asking to meet up, etc.. I really tried after I caught her the first time. We did marriage counseling, I tried to give her more attention etc. We made it 6 months, and I just happened to find out she started it up again a few weeks ago. She also has bipolar, which is hard enough to live with because she does have mood swings and impulse issues. So I've given up on having a healthy marriage.

Personally, I want to be free and to move on. I got over being terribly upset after the first time. But fool me once, shame on you ... fool me twice, shame on me.

However, we have four kids. Ages 15,14, 6, and 4. The thing is though, we don't have a ton of shouting matches and terrible fights in front of the kids. My wife has her faults, but for the most part treats them well and is involved. So we can actually have a relatively stable home life. Far from perfect, but overall the atmosphere isn't terrible. And for the most part they are thriving ... with just some normal issues for kids their ages. They are doing well in school, involved in music and activities, have friends (even a boyfriend for my daughter), and seem happy.

I feel like breaking up the family would be more harmful to them, than the flawed, but not horrible parental situation. Just curious other people's perspectives.

Your kids will all have different reactions, but what I have been told by attorneys and psychologists alike is that the divorce won't affect them as much as how you and your wife behave toward each other throughout and after the divorce process.

Are you prepared to fight for and carry out sole or primary custody?
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Old 03-22-2018, 04:55 AM
 
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I want to echo the previous poster. It is not so much the divorce but how the parents deal with it and what lessons they give their kids about living with it.

It can be a bitter experience that affects all future relationships or a lesson in cooperation and how life can be strong even when two people don't get along.

Only you can determine which type of situation could happen.
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Old 03-22-2018, 08:35 AM
 
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Your children will be better off if you stay together. in this setting, a "cold" marriage will be better than a nasty divorce. Don't expect that any divorce you have is going to be peaceful and cooperative, especially if she is bipolar.

First off - do NOT have any more children with her. Also, make sure you get that 15 year old with the boyfriend on birth control - and if she's impulsive, better be a form that she doesn't have control over, like Depo or Implanon. The absolute LAST thing your family needs now is a pregnant teenager! Yes, yes, I know, she's not having sex. She wouldn't do that. She knows better. You've talked about it. She's not having sex .... until she does. Biology trumps all. Get her on Depo or Implanon. Otherwise, you could be looking at a pregnant teen.

Go back to marriage counseling. It may be the place where you are able to work out your future, whether that future is going to be apart or together. You still have to finish raising these children together.

Is she spending impulsively? Bipolar people who have poor impulse control will often spend like crazy, and any debts incurred during your marriage, are your debts too. Perhaps it is better to limit the situation by putting spending limits on any credit cards she has access to. You can do this by simply calling them and asking them to decrease your credit limit, say to three times what is normally spent on the cards. She won't know about it, unless she goes off the deep end on spending.

Could she possibly be better on medication? Sometimes a low dose of medication can help a bipolar person to curb impulsive behavior. Perhaps she would be willing to be seen by a psychiatrist?

Anything that you do that harms the mother, harms the children. Children are almost always better off, emotionally and financially, if their parents stay together, rather than divorce. If you do divorce, is she fit to manage the children on her own? She would almost certainly have them for long stretches of time unsupervised if you were to divorce, and you would have less voice in how the children are raised, than you do now.

Be very, very cautious. Consult the best divorce lawyer in town, quietly, now, and ask for advice on how to protect yourself (and therefore the children) ahead of time, without precipitating a divorce. Perhaps consult ALL the good divorce lawyers in your area, one by one. Any of them who have had a consultation with you, cannot represent her, even if they don't wind up representing you - it would be a conflict of interest for them.

Good luck to you. Remember, at this point, anything you do to harm the mother, harms your children. If you do wind up divorcing, you want your children to always see you two as best friends and partners in raising them, not adversaries.

Once, when I was driving a carload full of boys (my young teen son and a few of his friends), they were discussing divorces. One friend said, "I don't know WHY my parents got divorced. They are each other's best friend!" (His parents had gotten divorced when he was in early elementary school because mom had fallen in love with another woman, realized she was gay, got divorced, and he then lived at least half the time in her home with her and her new, female, lover, for the next SEVEN YEARS! And he STILL just kind of forgot why his parents were divorced, because there was no conflict, and because they all lived in a liberal and tolerant town, where there was no shame or ostracization for divorce or gay relationships). He moved easily and without conflict between the two homes. Both parents were supportive of him, and of each other. And believe me, it cannot have been easy on the part of the man, and not just because of her having wanted the divorce. He really went above and beyond in being supportive of the mother after the divorce, to the benefit of his children.

If you DO wind up getting divorced, THAT'S the kind of divorce you want, for everyone's sake. That's the kind of divorce which does the least harm to the children.
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Old 03-22-2018, 09:38 AM
 
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I don't think we can answer this for you. I think you should go to solo therapy and work it out for yourself. There isn't one right answer...and your situation has a lot of moving parts. Ultimately you have to make this decision (your wife has to make her own). What ever you decide, I think you will need a lot of one on one support.
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Old 03-22-2018, 06:02 PM
 
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All good things to think about. I'm actually not that upset. I've detached over the past 6 months after the first incident. I hadn't thought about marriage counseling as possible prep for a life apart. I don't have much interest in trying to repair things. But I do have an interest in making things as smooth as possible for all involved.
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Old 03-22-2018, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
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My daughter is glad I divorced her dad. She was 8 when I booted him, 26 now. They have a good relationship. Life with him in the house was worse.

I long suspected my ex was bipolar, but he was never diagnosed. Confirmation of my suspicions came when our daughter was so diagnosed two years ago. She is doing well on medication and with therapy.

You have to decide if you can live with things the way they are and still carve out a life for yourself or if it is best that you split. It's good that you learned to detach. Easier to think. Don't be her caretaker. You don't want your kids to learn to be that.
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Old 03-22-2018, 07:42 PM
 
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Dump the ***** and don't even think twice about it.

Be open and honest as to what happened and teach your kids a valuable life lesson. No one should have to put up with that.
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Old 03-22-2018, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Texas
42,091 posts, read 49,253,571 times
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Originally Posted by aridon View Post
Dump the ***** and don't even think twice about it.

Be open and honest as to what happened and teach your kids a valuable life lesson. No one should have to put up with that.
This seems like the answer until you realize that your kids will be spending 50% or more of their time with the psycho ex and whoever else she decides to let in the house.

I have seen enough kids beaten up or molested by mom's boyfriend or the new stepdad.
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Old 03-22-2018, 09:35 PM
 
3,269 posts, read 3,195,688 times
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Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
This seems like the answer until you realize that your kids will be spending 50% or more of their time with the psycho ex and whoever else she decides to let in the house.

I have seen enough kids beaten up or molested by mom's boyfriend or the new stepdad.
Crudely said, but it's true. If you divorce, they will be with her at least half the time, and she could definitely be exposing them to all kinds of live in friends. And don't assume that you'll be able to get full custody of them if she does this - you probably won't. And the kids will be damaged in the process.

From the day that first baby was born, it was no longer about YOU and YOUR needs. It became about the kids, and what they needed. They will probably be better off if you don't get divorced, and if you do, the better your relationship with the mother, and the better you provide for the mother, the better off the kids will be.
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