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Old 03-26-2018, 11:06 AM
862 posts, read 449,405 times
Reputation: 1490


Barely sounds like he's ready to get out of bed or breathe without a ventilator. As many have said, driving is the least of his/your worries right now. Sounds like he's really depressed...
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Old 03-26-2018, 11:13 AM
174 posts, read 66,084 times
Reputation: 139
wow, driving is the least of your concerns. maybe kick your kid out at 18 and hope he learns how to behave like a real adult?
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Old 03-26-2018, 12:11 PM
Status: "Can kindness win?" (set 3 days ago)
Location: Here and now.
10,383 posts, read 2,821,197 times
Reputation: 11129
Originally Posted by AndyAMG View Post
My son has no interest in driving, but we keep telling him he needs to at least get a drivers licence so he has the option to drive. He's 16 and he really has no hobbies other than drawing and browsing the internet. No sports or outside activities, he doesn't hang out with friends. He probably has deeper issues. I think hes mad at us for moving from Portland to Arizona, but we lived in Arizona previous. He has not re-connected with his old Arizona friends, and hasn't made any new ones, grades are bad. Still acts like he lives in Oregon, only talks to friends in Oregon. His grades are bad. But we have told him, "were not going back, once you graduate and turn 18 you can go back to Oregon."

Anyway, my wife and told him he needs to learn to drive, it's just a thing you have to do at some point. Some will disagree, but I know even hardcore urban dwellers get zip cars and rent cars from time to time, it's just part of being an adult.

We started out taking laps in parking lots just to figure out the car but I noticed right away my son was very inattentive. There were parking space head curbs or whatever they are called and my son was headed right for them. He seems to have zero sense of direction and it seems his spatial orientation reasoning lacking. He has about 30 hours under him but seems to be getting worse. He's okay with two lane roads in the country but as soon as the traffic pickup he gets terrified. Today, we pulled out of our street and he asked me left or right knowing we are going to a destination we have gone to at least 50 times. Then we get to the next street and gets in the left turn lane, I said where are you going. "It's left here" no it's right." and as I'm about to say well now have to go left. Without looking he just turns into the right lane without looking and a car slams on its brakes, and I said "dude, what was that?" " You said I have to go right." So then I say "okay well now the light is green so you have to go" he doesn't respond, the car behind him honks and he turns right and floors it. The car spins 90 degrees and we go over the curb into the dirt. then he just starts driving through the dirt. "What are you doing stop!" he just keep going, "I said stop." " well I'm trying to get back on the road." and then he stops and I said "I don't think today is a good day." So he gets out of the car without putting it in park. and it starts rolling forward and . You for got to put it in park he's still getting out and then falls down so I lean over and put my hand on the brake get the car into park. Then I drive us to lunch on the way to lunch he starts crying. "I hate it here, I don't want to drive, I want to go home." and I tell him the same thing I keep telling him "You can go "home" when you turn 18. for now you just need to stay the course and after you graduate you can do whatever."

My wife has better luck teaching him so I have officially handed the duties over to her.

I have some real concerns about my son, I almost feel like he has been rotting his brain away over the last 4 years. He is 16 and does not know his address, he does not know his phone number, he does not know either my wife's or my phone number, he can't identify where we live on a map, he can't identify anything on a map. I asked him if there was a way to know what direction he is heading without an electronic device. he said no. I said streets head north south east and west. He said that didn't help. I said "How about the position of the sun?" what would that tell me. I asked what direction the sun sets in, he said "the south" It's just strange, the other day he bought a computer program, and he came to me and said it wouldn't work. I looked at the requirements and the requirements were way above what his computer could handle. I told him he needed a core i7 or better. he said what does this have? I said there is a sticker on the computer he said "i5 isn't that good enough?" I said "7 comes after 5."

anyway... Im just kind of sad and mad at myself right now, it's almost like we have neglected him as parents and he has 2 years to prepare himself for the real world and I don't think he will be ready. But.. he wasn't interested in learning anything. Usually the eldest is the responsible smart one and the youngest is the crazy free-spirited one. All of my kids seem depressed, and I can't help them. They have a pool and anything they could ever want but all of them just want to bury their faces in some sort of electronic device and ignore the world. My wife does the same thing. I do too, to a certain extent. I tried leading by example, that didn't work. I tried taking away mobile devices that didn't work. My wife and I just work too much and I feel like we are neglecting our children but when we try to do things with them, it's always "this sucks, this is boring" Having 2 teenagers and pre teen is.... sad. It just makes me sad, my kids don't even interact with each other anymore. I have to constantly be on them to do their chores and even when they are doing chores they have their headphones on with their phones in their pockets. Our poor animals never get petted or played with. I always find myself trying to exercise the cat with the laser pointer. My wife takes the dog for a walk 2 times a week if that.

Obviously, there are deep problems in my family.

Long story short: Should my son keep getting lessons from my wife or should I pay to have him go to a driving school. On one hand I feel like maybe someone he can build rapport with that is not a parent would be good. On the other hand, I feel like since he does poorly in school and has such a distain for driving and seems to be unable to concentrate that I'd just be wasting money.

I'm just kind of feeling strange. I did pretty good at driving even learning to drive a stick in a month. My wife the same. My wife an I are smart people with good careers and I feel like my kids are rotting their brains, will be helpless and will try to live with us forever.
Forget about him driving for a while. It's not that damn important. Spend your money and your efforts on family counseling, instead. It sounds to me like the lot of you are in more trouble than you know.

Best of luck to you all.
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Old 03-26-2018, 12:21 PM
Location: MA/NH
16,471 posts, read 33,437,610 times
Reputation: 15205
If your son doesn't want to learn how to drive at this point, then back off for now. If you force him and he manages to pass the drivers test, he will only be a liability as a driver and a danger to himself and the rest of us on the roads. He's only 16, he's got time and there's always Uber.

If your son is an indoor person and attached to his phone, perhaps this summer send him to a summer camp with a lot of outdoor activities. Does he like animals? Maybe he could do some volunteer work at an animal shelter and walk the dogs.

My oldest niece is in her mid-20's and with zero desire to learn how to drive. I've also seen how easily distracted she gets, so honestly I don't want to ever see her getting a drivers license. She lives in Boston, so there is no need for her to have a car anyway.

With a user name AndyAMG, do you own a Mercedes? IMO driving is best left to those who really love to drive and take it seriously. And people who put minimal effort into the driving experience scare me.
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Old 03-26-2018, 01:48 PM
536 posts, read 526,436 times
Reputation: 946
“My wife and I just work too much“

Are you willing to try and change that? If not, it’s hard to see how anything else will change.
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Old 03-26-2018, 02:06 PM
Location: East Cobb, GA
778 posts, read 323,077 times
Reputation: 1153
If your son really doesn’t want to drive and is in fact a dangerous, then don’t make him. Not everyone needs to drive at 16.

Your son is obviously not adjusting to the move. Was your son ever have any interests besides drawing and being on the Internet? First of all, you should try talking to him about what specifically is the matter, and go from there.

If/when your son comes out of his shell, then he’ll probably want to start hanging out with friends, going places, earning money etc. He’ll be ready to learn how to drive at that point.
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Old 03-26-2018, 03:26 PM
11,508 posts, read 5,518,325 times
Reputation: 9881
Reading your post made me think of my situation when I was 16. Before I even turned 16, both my parents started pushing very hard for me to get my license. They even made me sign up for driver's ed. I never made it to that class as we moved before the school year started. After we moved, they kept pushing. I wasn't interested in learning at that time as the thought of driving made me nervous. What sealed it for me was my mother constantly telling me that she couldn't wait until I got my license so that I could do all the grocery shopping. She was a stay at home mother who had a car. She also was a verbally abusive and very controlling person. My not learning to drive was actually a way to have some control of my life---passive aggressive as it may seem to some. However, it was all I had at the time.

OP---why are you pushing him so hard when it comes to driving?

All that said, I do agree with those who said it sounds like he is depressed and has spatial issues. Take him to a doctor to get a full physical exam. Be sure to mention how he is behaving. You simply can't ignore these issues.

Also, stop pushing him to learn to drive. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 35! What motivated me was that we moved where there was no public transportation plus we had a pre-school aged child. At that point, I was ready to learn. Your son may or may not eventually learn to drive. Let him make that decision for himself.
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Old 03-26-2018, 05:42 PM
5,761 posts, read 3,045,580 times
Reputation: 15105
This isn't about driving. You have bigger issues, and sounds like it cross all members of the family. You keep mentioning your wife, but almost sounds like she's not his mom. Are there divorce or widower issues involved that may be unresolved for all your kids?

Some of the specific issues with driving almost sound like my wife. She is dyslexic and has a horrible time with judging distance and direction. Couldn't read a map if her life depended on it.
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Old 03-26-2018, 06:32 PM
Location: Surfside Beach, SC
1,785 posts, read 2,408,047 times
Reputation: 2999
This says it all - and I quote from your original post - you have a 16 year old son:

"He is 16 and does not know his address, he does not know his phone number, he does not know either my wife's or my phone number"

MAJOR issues here and nothing to do with driving a car! PLEASE get some help for this very ill and very troubled young man! I have trouble believing that you are actually concerned about him driving a car as opposed to focusing on this issue. Something is VERY WRONG here!
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Old 03-27-2018, 12:01 AM
Location: Seattle Eastside
640 posts, read 282,918 times
Reputation: 1479
Originally Posted by AndyAMG View Post

All of my kids seem depressed, and I can't help them. They have a pool and anything they could ever want but all of them just want to bury their faces in some sort of electronic device and ignore the world. My wife does the same thing. I do too, to a certain extent.
You can so help them. I know how hard it is to have teenagers. The sighing, oh my god.

But I also know what it's like being a northwestern teen in the Southwest. The bullcrap, oh my god.

Please, please get help for your kids and your family.

What you are describing sounds like hell for all of you.

And here's a radical question... why not m ove back to Oregon? Unless it is medical care at a facility unique to AZ for you, a kid, or an elderly parent, I'm wondering whether it would not be worth it.

I changed my career for my kids to pay for their education and to give them roots. I'd much rather be traveling the world, but I'm not, because I care about my kids. It's been pretty hard. But I did it.

You should really reconsider how much power you have over this situation, and how little power your son has.

Man up and take some responsibility.
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