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Old 03-26-2008, 11:45 AM
 
1,363 posts, read 5,391,516 times
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And I'll edit my post to say, when his ex grows up, maybe she'll come around. From the additional info you posted it sounds like she's learned how to be an ex-wife from Maury Povich and old Rikki Lake show episodes.
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Old 09-20-2008, 11:16 AM
 
1 posts, read 4,053 times
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Default Step-mothers

I think step parents are getting a little out of control. I think if the child has a set of parent than that should be it. The childs real parents should be the ones to parent and really love these children. If one parent is out of the picture then I think there is room for a step-parents role. There are too many problems caused by these different roles people want to have with other peoples children. Love your new wife or Husband and be a friend to there child but stay out of the life of his or her ex's Its none of your busness and your setting everyone up for disaster.
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Old 09-20-2008, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
746 posts, read 1,922,972 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goonberry View Post
I think step parents are getting a little out of control. I think if the child has a set of parent than that should be it. The childs real parents should be the ones to parent and really love these children. If one parent is out of the picture then I think there is room for a step-parents role. There are too many problems caused by these different roles people want to have with other peoples children. Love your new wife or Husband and be a friend to there child but stay out of the life of his or her ex's Its none of your busness and your setting everyone up for disaster.
You sound like you've never been divorced or raised children in a mixed family. Not all bio-parents are good people. Often it is the step-parent who steps up to the plate and does a large share of the parenting. That is the case in my household. My ex has a lot of issues and has not always been a good person, much less a good father. Especially in the early years after the divorce. My husband I have now stepped in and added stability to my kids' lives. He has done much more for them than their birth father ever will. And even now that he has shaped up and doing better, he still realizes my husband has only their best interests in mind. After all, he is the one that is there when homework is being done and feeds them many of their meals. You can't be the adult in a house with kids and not take a part in their raising. It just doesn't work.
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Old 09-20-2008, 07:36 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
603 posts, read 2,093,944 times
Reputation: 498
I've never been divorced, but my parents divorced when I was 13 and my siblings were 11 and 7. Dad remarried 6 weeks after the divorce was final. He was married to my stepmom 27 years--she passed away in March 2008 of cancer. My mom often said that she liked dad's wife better than she liked my dad. While mom and dad had a tumultuous ten years after the divorce, the problem never involved my stepmom. In fact, she was usually in the background keeping us and those around her calm. She never got involved with the argument, but came to me afterwards and asked if I was okay (a question that my parents never asked). She always made us feel welcomed in her home. When mom had surgery, she came to the hospital; likewise, my mom visited her in the hospital during her two bouts of cancer. Mom was at her funeral. When the pastor (before her funeral) asked me about my stepmom, I told him that she always treated us like her own kids and always made us feel loved. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about her. I hope all you stepmoms are as great as mine was.
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Old 09-21-2008, 06:57 PM
 
Location: Chicago 'burbs'
1,022 posts, read 3,009,801 times
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I agree that sometimes it is the step-parent that does more of the parenting than the actual parent. It's that way in my household. I am doing a lot of the parenting with my step kids, and my husband is a wonderful Dad to my children! It has nothing to do with stepping on someones toes or trying to take someones place, it has everything to helping these children through LIFE! Helping with homework, behavior, friend issues, fights with siblings, play games, swim, ect... It would be in the best interest of the children for all the parents to get along!
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Old 09-22-2008, 07:34 AM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 2,564,694 times
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My Ex husband and I have been divorced over 11 years. The kids were 5 and 8 when we split. I have been remarried for 8 years. He has been remarried for 6. I have never had a good relationship with my kids step mom for many reasons. I can tell you somethings that do not work.
First off...Never act like you as the step parent know more about the child than the parent does. (even if you do). Nothing upsets a parent more than thinking that the step parent has a better relationship with their child. Some things are better left unsaid.

Never bring up things that your spouse has said about their ex to the ex. What ever happened in their marriage is between them. You weren't there and you are only hearing one side.

Next...make sure the parent pays their child support. Make sure that extras are paid for too. Summer camps are expensive, school supplies, school clothes etc. Do more than the minimum required.

Don't ever, ever say anything negative to the kids about their parent. And never say anything negative about the child. Let the parents be the parents.

Finally, be nice at all times. Usually the animosity will go away if you are always friendly. Don't get caught in their arguments. It is none of your business.
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Old 09-22-2008, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Visitation between Wal-Mart & Home Depot
8,309 posts, read 33,869,285 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RAZZEL View Post
Yes i have.
Remember one thing - - you are the step mom.

Don't speak about her or her problems negatively if your step-son is around. I would be really careful-little ears hear pretty well.

Be a lady and do not stoop down to her level. No exceptions.

The less you say to her and about her...the better.

Be a lady.
Have more class.

P.S. Sometimes the grass looks a little greener on the other side.

Good luck...you'll need it.
Excellent advice. It sounds like there maybe a good reason for the failure of your husband's first marriage. If you can't reason with your husband's ex, she might be crazy. Don't get into a crazy contest with a crazy person. Even if you win, you lose and she'll enjoy it.
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Old 09-22-2008, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,368,186 times
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I'm a step-mom and a step child.....I can tell you that my stepmom did everything wrong....She bad mouthed my mom to us, tried to control our access to our Dad and tried to turn us on each other. Her 1st mistake was that she did realize just how close her stepchildren were and that we talked to each other.
I became a stepmom over 20 years ago and his mom didn't want anything to do with me. She even picked our wedding day to tell my husband that she was taking his son and moving across the country. Nice.
I was the one to take him for school clothes (and paid for them) I took him with me where ever I went. I made sure the child support was paid, still nothing. But I never ever said anything bad about his mom.
She started thawing when B was about 12. She was sick and couldn't find anyone to take care of him. We usually had him for the summer so two extra weeks were a treat. My husband was out of town on a job so she HAD to deal with me. Of course we would take him and just keep him until the summer was over. Of course I'd help out on the plane ticket.

Fast forward to graduation days (hs and bootcamp) He called me and said he felt bad that his "other" mom got to sit in the "mom" position. I smiled and said no problem. He called me when he got home from Kuwait...can you come? Of course!
Wedding....he feels bad again because his "other" mom has to sit in the "mom" position. No problem. Baby born..can you come? Of course.

Stick with it, don't give her a reason, and the kids will figure it out on their own.

Good luck...step parenting is hard enough without the drama.
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Old 11-15-2011, 01:10 PM
 
3 posts, read 4,536 times
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Reading all these posts makes it hard for me to have hope. My boyfriend and I, notice I said boyfriend we are not even married yet, have a very difficult time with his 4 year old daughters mother. For me it is very hard, his daughter loves me and we always have a great time together. However recently I have had a really hard time with, not listening, acting out, telling mommy hates me and doesnt like that her daddy and I live together. We will be doing fine playing together and its like something in her head snaps and she will say the meanest things to me for instance her and I went shopping.this weekend in the car we were just talking and out of no where she says you are.not aloud to tell me no mommy says you can't tell me. It's always mommy says mommy says. I just don't know what to do this lady hates me she doesn't know me qnd she hates me. Not only is it really hard on me but I know it will be hard on his little girl later in life. I dont know what to do I need help......advice please!
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Old 11-15-2011, 01:29 PM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,368,186 times
Reputation: 49762
Quote:
Originally Posted by JEileen View Post
Reading all these posts makes it hard for me to have hope. My boyfriend and I, notice I said boyfriend we are not even married yet, have a very difficult time with his 4 year old daughters mother. For me it is very hard, his daughter loves me and we always have a great time together. However recently I have had a really hard time with, not listening, acting out, telling mommy hates me and doesnt like that her daddy and I live together. We will be doing fine playing together and its like something in her head snaps and she will say the meanest things to me for instance her and I went shopping.this weekend in the car we were just talking and out of no where she says you are.not aloud to tell me no mommy says you can't tell me. It's always mommy says mommy says. I just don't know what to do this lady hates me she doesn't know me qnd she hates me. Not only is it really hard on me but I know it will be hard on his little girl later in life. I dont know what to do I need help......advice please!
She's testing you....when she switches thing ups like that it means she was having a great time with you, realized it and instantly felt disloyal to her mom.
The mommy doesn't really hate you, she jealous of the time and the bond you have with her child.
Still as hard as it is, don't sink to the Mother's level. When little one snaps, just change the subject. She doesn't know why she's reacting like this.
Just smile at her and remind her you love her.
Please promise me you won't shut the little one out. She's going to need your ears and your shoulder.
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