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Old 11-15-2011, 02:30 PM
 
32,533 posts, read 30,037,108 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JEileen View Post
Reading all these posts makes it hard for me to have hope. My boyfriend and I, notice I said boyfriend we are not even married yet, have a very difficult time with his 4 year old daughters mother.
Try to look at it from her little 4-year old point of view. She's 4 and her mommie and daddie don't live together. Plus Daddie has this other lady that lives with him. (How long have you been together?) So she's got Mommie telling her who knows what. Then she goes to see Daddie and there's someone else there getting his attention. (What does Daddie say about Mommie BTW? I hope he's very careful not to bad mouth her in front of Little One. That's very important.)

You're living with this man and you don't know the mother? If you are serious about your relationship and want to be any sort of a mother-figure to Little One, I'd try and establish a line of communication with her. Unless you broke up the relationship there is no reason you can't talk to each other for the benefit of the child. Is there?

You do what's right for the Little One. Not for you. He Mommie will always be her Mommie and her Daddie will always be her Daddie. Right now you are Other Lady. She IS testing you. Right now she's trying to figure out which end is up.

p.s. You can't change Mommie. What you can change is the relationship the two of you have in a way that will benefit Little One. Hopefully.
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Old 11-15-2011, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,206 posts, read 2,134,825 times
Reputation: 1534
My husband ex was also a terror. She did everything in her power to keep his twin daughters from him, and it worked on one twin. He currently only has a relationship with one of his 3 kids, all because of her. My husband would be on the phone with her talking about whatever and she would always turn it into an argument about the kids then she'd say, "so, are you saying you don't love the kids?". He'd be like, WTF are you talking about, I never said that, but the damage was done because we knew the kids were in the room listening. She also had his kids lie to him about her BF living with them. He had a no cohabitation clause in the divorce decree stating if she cohabitated with a member of the opposite sex her spousal support would cease. He asked his daughters several times, casually, if the BF was living there, and they always said no. We knew he was and had to video tape his truck in front of their house all hours of the day and night for 3 months to prove it. How awful he felt every time the girls lied to him.

When I had to deal with her I was always respectful and tried not to let her suck me into an argument, which was her intention with every phone call. I never let her get to me and if she started yelling and screaming I would calmly say, "when you are ready to speak with me as an adult you can call back" then I'd hang up.

Don't allow her to bring you down to her level. Never say anything bad about her in front of the kids.

Good luck
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Old 11-15-2011, 03:09 PM
 
16,316 posts, read 13,668,789 times
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As a child with multiple stepmothers, I can tell you that you should leave the discipline to her father. You are not her parent and you should not be disciplining a child who does not live with your full time nor has either a legal or biological relationship.

Sure remind her of the rules in your house, and your expectations but when she acts out, let her dad handle it.
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Old 11-15-2011, 03:36 PM
 
3 posts, read 4,536 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Granny Sue View Post
She's testing you....when she switches thing ups like that it means she was having a great time with you, realized it and instantly felt disloyal to her mom.
The mommy doesn't really hate you, she jealous of the time and the bond you have with her child.
Still as hard as it is, don't sink to the Mother's level. When little one snaps, just change the subject. She doesn't know why she's reacting like this.
Just smile at her and remind her you love her.
Please promise me you won't shut the little one out. She's going to need your ears and your shoulder.
Thank you so much for your post it really helped me feel better about the situation I'm going thru. I do promise you I will never shut out the little one, I adore her. This situation has been really hard on me and last night I got into an argument with my boyfriend about it. I felt as tho he should stick up for me to the mother since I never sah anything negative about her around the little one but the mother does about me. Is this something I should get over and deal with personally or should he say something to the mother....advice please.
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Old 11-15-2011, 03:43 PM
 
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Thank you for your response. We have been together for about a year in a half. I do know the mother I have known since before my relationship started. There is no communication between the mother and I the mother according to my boyfriend still would like to be a family he says it will never happen. That is hard for me to know she still wants that. I would like to be able to communicate with her just so that she knows I'm not trying to replace her or step on her toes but I would like to have a healthy relationship with her daughter and she is making that difficult. But I feel that communication may make matters worse.
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Old 11-15-2011, 03:44 PM
 
16,316 posts, read 13,668,789 times
Reputation: 20231
Quote:
Originally Posted by JEileen View Post
Thank you so much for your post it really helped me feel better about the situation I'm going thru. I do promise you I will never shut out the little one, I adore her. This situation has been really hard on me and last night I got into an argument with my boyfriend about it. I felt as tho he should stick up for me to the mother since I never sah anything negative about her around the little one but the mother does about me. Is this something I should get over and deal with personally or should he say something to the mother....advice please.
You are not her STEPMOM. Maybe you will be someday but you are not now. So why should your BOYFRIEND make things even more uncomfortable for everyone when you are not married? Even if you are married, that means nothing to his ex. Your relationship is always and forever going to be separate from his relationship with his ex, there is no reason for him to discuss you with his ex or vice versa.

And for some unsolicited advice, based on your own post you are only dating this person, you are not married or even engaged. Until such a time as you become a permanent fixture in this child's life through some sort of formalized legal relationship you are setting the child up for even more heartbreak. If you and your bf break up I am sure you would miss the child but she is barely out of being a toddler and losing another person on top of her family situation would be far worse. Best advice, be kind, be polite but do not "mother" this child until you are married or at least engaged to this man.
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Old 11-15-2011, 03:52 PM
 
32,533 posts, read 30,037,108 times
Reputation: 32290
Quote:
Originally Posted by JEileen View Post
and I the mother according to my boyfriend still would like to be a family he says it will never happen.
I wish you had said this in your OP because THIS is the root of the problem. Until this is resolved there are going to be all sorts of problems. Good luck. Your BF needs to deal with this. There's nothing you can do as long as she wants her old family back. (And as long as she thinks there is a chance it could still happen.)

I don't want this to sound mean (because I know it happens and the heart does what the heart does) but this is the price of falling in love with a man who had a family. Be prepared to deal with 'her' all of your married life.

Last edited by DewDropInn; 11-15-2011 at 04:23 PM..
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Old 11-16-2011, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,368,186 times
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Ok...not knowing the complete this is going to be tricky.

If you and your boyfriend are living together and he leaves the child in your care then you are in charge of this child. If she does something wrong then you need to correct her.

When DH and I got together and I moved in he let DSS know that I had just as much right to tell him what to do as he did. My house my rules type of thing. If I told him to do something then he was to do it.
It's very important that this privilage is not abused. At no time did I treat him badly and any heavy disipline came from his father. BUT the boy knew that he could not push me around. You and your boyfriend need to have this discussion and always put up a united front.

Hubby's ex also tried to get him back. Luckily we both found it amusing. She then tried to talk bad about me to the boy...surprisingly it was the boy that put a stop to it....he told her that he thought I was nice and since I never said bad things about her then she shouldn't say bad things about me. Oh out of the mouths of babes.

My husband also told her that discussing me was not an option. If she didn't like something I did, she had to go thru him. He always had my back but we did discuss her concerns.

These many years later, she is his Mother....I'm his Mom.

Hang in there. If this is going to be a permanent relationship it's best to get these things out in the open now. It can work out it's just really really hard sometimes.
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Old 12-05-2011, 12:33 AM
 
4 posts, read 3,319 times
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Default Help!!!!

Ok, I'm going to make this as short as possible and I need some advice PLEASE!!

Ok, so I met my now hubby last year and hes a prince. Sweetest guy in the world, loving, Christian, romantic, just perfect! He has two boys 11 years old and 9 years old.. The problem, the ex..

My hubby was married to her for 10 miserable years. Horrible.. She would go on rampages and throw things at his head, try to rip sinks out of the walls and etc. It was miserable.. They slept in different bedrooms and only got intimate once every few months. He only knew her about a month and she purposely got pregnant and he married her because his family would not like it if he did not. So 10 years just miserable, shes a teacher though and puts on a different personality around people and everything thinks shes so just great..

Well they agreed to go their own ways finally and he encouraged her to leave.. Well, I met him and they were going through the paperwork for the divorce but not divorced yet. She came back to him twice and asked if they could get back together and he said he didnt want to. So, she goes plays the victim and claims i stole him away..

Anyways, I had Facebook and i guess she was checking my mans and mine daily.. There is a thing called "status shuffle" just funny sayings. I am very outgoing and open to things and I like to have fun.. well, shes a very very serious person, no personality. so anyways, one day i found a funny status, it said "what makes a man happy? daughter on the front of cosmo, son on front of sports illustrated, mistress on front of playboy and wife on missing person list". i thought it was funny and put it as my status. i didnt think anything of it i just thought it was funny and his ex took it as a slam to her even though i didnt know anything about her or talked to her. so she gets on her facebook and slams me and my man saying we deserve each other. so a few months later my hubby puts that he doesnt need an xbox anymore because he has me.. well his ex, her mom and everyone starts posting how hes a "filthy creature".. So i defended him... so out of the blue, his ex calls me and says "im sorry for the way i was being, im just jealous because your around my boys and your so young (im 26 shes 38)." so i forgave her and agreed to get along for the boys. well a few weeks later my hubby put that he was thankful to go out in public and not have stress and fight.. well so she calls him and yells at him for this and that..

Well, i had no problem his ex and him talking about the boys, that is their kids. but his ex would call every day and make up crap to talk about, something small and silly about the boys and then switch the conversation to "why are you with her? what do you like about her?". my hubby is very tender hearted and would try to explain to her and that is what made me upset, i told him he doesnt have to explain anything to her its about the boys only.. So, she calls again and he told her to talk only about the boys and nothing else or he would hang up on her next time. Well, couple days later, she started again so he hung up on her and told her unless an emergency, she needs to text him if she has any issues or questions. well, so her texts start about their past and etc again and we ignored them. Well, then she started by when he would call to talk to the boys she would grab the phone and try to talk to him and then give the phone back to the boys and so he asked her not to again. so she kept sending the texts so my hubby and i come up with an idea that she needed to only text me unless an emeregency to try to cut the chit chat she wanted with him... well that worked for about 4 months.. then she started sending me hateful texts and i admit, i fell weak and i wrote stuff i shouldnt have either. we were both wrong..

Meanwhile during all this, his ex sits the boys down and asks who they like better "mommy or stepmommy?" the 9 yr old said both and the 11 year old said me.. She got furious and called my hubby and asked my hubby who he thought was a better mom and he told her me. the next day she filed for court against me.. She has repeated slapped the boys in the face, does harsh punishments, questions them about who they like best, and is just plain mean to them. something i never imagined a mother putting her kids through. So, shes taking us to court and she has all the mean texts i have to her but i wasnt prepared and deleted all the ones i had.. so court has ruled that i do not need to be at the doctors appointments or even in the building, i have to stay home and only the mom and the dad can go in. shes a teacher at their school so im not allowed to go to any private school meetings even though i do the kids homework with them every night. She threw a fit because i signed a daily planner, so cant do that. now shes trying to erase me from everything and even has gone as far as not letting the boys sit with their dad and me at basketball games and extra activities. she grabs the boys grades before school lets out so his father cant see his grades. his ex will wait until i walk away and come over and try to be fake and nice to him out in public. she said she changed her number because i was harrassing her.

The good part is that court ordered Family wizard.. its a great way for my hubby to get on there and its monitered by court and she refuses to write anything mean on there cuz she knows court will see it, so familywizard has been a great tool for us and cutting the communication. the court also didnt cut my husbands days like she asked, they stayed the same.

she sat the oldest boy down and asked him if he wanted to live with us and he said "yes" and she said "you can when i tell you you can". she has a control issue. We have took the boys to a judge and a counselor and they both have heard the boys say that their mommy is mean and abusive but they refused to give us a dvp because shes a teacher and it would cause a "scene". we have ordered a guardian of liam and the guardian seemed to blame us for everything and said the things their mother is doing is "fixable" and that she may order his ex and my hubby to go to counseling together. His ex puts on a good show and yes we have made some mistakes and snapped when she would go off on us but we have admitted our wrongs, we are christians and we try to be good to people, but no matter what proof we have, its like its no big deal.

we told them she is suppose to be on her prozac and that she keeps going off it, that she tried ripping the sink out of the wall in front of the boys, threw razors at my hubby's head, threw glasses at him and the guardian just brushed it off. were getting ready to go back to court and were tryiang to get full custody, we just keep praying every night that the court will see the way she really is. the boys are very honest about what she does to them and how shes been mean to them since they said they like me. There were like 3 allegations she made on me and I had proof in court and they canceled them.. one was over spelling, his ex said i didnt study with the boys and i keep a big notebook every night where they have to write their words, and i had a couple letters where we asked her to study with them because we got them back on wednesdays and they were missed 20 words and their test was on friday. one night i called her and told her they missed 20 and asked how she was studying with them and asked her if we could come up with something because i couldnt get all the words in their heads by friday and she screamed and said "your nothing to these boys or to my ex husband"..

so, i need advice, we have cut communication to familywizard which is awesome and eliminated almost everything. but, were still dealing with her trying to find my hubby alone and trying to act like his friend, shes absolutely desperate and tries to get a second of him looking at her. last week, they had a school meeting that im not allowed to and she was trying to sit right beside him and he just got up and moved. so, my question is, in everyones opinion, how can we go about dealing iwth her, we have to deal with her everywhere, games, school, exchanges and everywhere!! how does a stepmother, who the kids say in their eyes is their mother, how do i make the kids more comfortable when were all around her, how do we feel like we can be comfortable around her? we feel like shes controlling our lives, everywhere we go, if the boys are their in any sport activities or practices, she demands to be there, not for support cuz she didnt before, its just to annoy us. we were told my husband cant write im a good mother on facebook because his ex might take offense to it.. we feel like every move we make is controlled..

another question.. why is she doing this?? she absolutely has hated me from the beginning?? shes not thin, im really small.. im 26 and shes 38.. im a model and shes not.. is it possible shes jealous of me?? or is she still in love with my hubby? or is it just control she wants over him again?? were trying to understand her to learn how to deal with her.. its hard.. everywhere we go she has made up lies and they believe her.. my hubby is a state trooper and she makes him out to be this horrible guy.. i mean, were to the point we just try to pray for her every night... help!! does this go on until the kids are 18?? I have 2 kids of my own. ... my ex is completely reasonable, he could care less and he actually loves my husband.. ugh..
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Old 12-05-2011, 09:23 AM
 
2,516 posts, read 5,268,967 times
Reputation: 3491
Quote:
Originally Posted by jssnbda11 View Post
Ok, I'm going to make this as short as possible and I need some advice PLEASE!!

Ok, so I met my now hubby last year and hes a prince. Sweetest guy in the world, loving, Christian, romantic, just perfect! He has two boys 11 years old and 9 years old.. The problem, the ex..

My hubby was married to her for 10 miserable years. Horrible.. She would go on rampages and throw things at his head, try to rip sinks out of the walls and etc. It was miserable.. They slept in different bedrooms and only got intimate once every few months. He only knew her about a month and she purposely got pregnant and he married her because his family would not like it if he did not. So 10 years just miserable, shes a teacher though and puts on a different personality around people and everything thinks shes so just great..

Well they agreed to go their own ways finally and he encouraged her to leave.. Well, I met him and they were going through the paperwork for the divorce but not divorced yet. She came back to him twice and asked if they could get back together and he said he didnt want to. So, she goes plays the victim and claims i stole him away..

Anyways, I had Facebook and i guess she was checking my mans and mine daily.. There is a thing called "status shuffle" just funny sayings. I am very outgoing and open to things and I like to have fun.. well, shes a very very serious person, no personality. so anyways, one day i found a funny status, it said "what makes a man happy? daughter on the front of cosmo, son on front of sports illustrated, mistress on front of playboy and wife on missing person list". i thought it was funny and put it as my status. i didnt think anything of it i just thought it was funny and his ex took it as a slam to her even though i didnt know anything about her or talked to her. so she gets on her facebook and slams me and my man saying we deserve each other. so a few months later my hubby puts that he doesnt need an xbox anymore because he has me.. well his ex, her mom and everyone starts posting how hes a "filthy creature".. So i defended him... so out of the blue, his ex calls me and says "im sorry for the way i was being, im just jealous because your around my boys and your so young (im 26 shes 38)." so i forgave her and agreed to get along for the boys. well a few weeks later my hubby put that he was thankful to go out in public and not have stress and fight.. well so she calls him and yells at him for this and that..

Well, i had no problem his ex and him talking about the boys, that is their kids. but his ex would call every day and make up crap to talk about, something small and silly about the boys and then switch the conversation to "why are you with her? what do you like about her?". my hubby is very tender hearted and would try to explain to her and that is what made me upset, i told him he doesnt have to explain anything to her its about the boys only.. So, she calls again and he told her to talk only about the boys and nothing else or he would hang up on her next time. Well, couple days later, she started again so he hung up on her and told her unless an emergency, she needs to text him if she has any issues or questions. well, so her texts start about their past and etc again and we ignored them. Well, then she started by when he would call to talk to the boys she would grab the phone and try to talk to him and then give the phone back to the boys and so he asked her not to again. so she kept sending the texts so my hubby and i come up with an idea that she needed to only text me unless an emeregency to try to cut the chit chat she wanted with him... well that worked for about 4 months.. then she started sending me hateful texts and i admit, i fell weak and i wrote stuff i shouldnt have either. we were both wrong..

Meanwhile during all this, his ex sits the boys down and asks who they like better "mommy or stepmommy?" the 9 yr old said both and the 11 year old said me.. She got furious and called my hubby and asked my hubby who he thought was a better mom and he told her me. the next day she filed for court against me.. She has repeated slapped the boys in the face, does harsh punishments, questions them about who they like best, and is just plain mean to them. something i never imagined a mother putting her kids through. So, shes taking us to court and she has all the mean texts i have to her but i wasnt prepared and deleted all the ones i had.. so court has ruled that i do not need to be at the doctors appointments or even in the building, i have to stay home and only the mom and the dad can go in. shes a teacher at their school so im not allowed to go to any private school meetings even though i do the kids homework with them every night. She threw a fit because i signed a daily planner, so cant do that. now shes trying to erase me from everything and even has gone as far as not letting the boys sit with their dad and me at basketball games and extra activities. she grabs the boys grades before school lets out so his father cant see his grades. his ex will wait until i walk away and come over and try to be fake and nice to him out in public. she said she changed her number because i was harrassing her.

The good part is that court ordered Family wizard.. its a great way for my hubby to get on there and its monitered by court and she refuses to write anything mean on there cuz she knows court will see it, so familywizard has been a great tool for us and cutting the communication. the court also didnt cut my husbands days like she asked, they stayed the same.

she sat the oldest boy down and asked him if he wanted to live with us and he said "yes" and she said "you can when i tell you you can". she has a control issue. We have took the boys to a judge and a counselor and they both have heard the boys say that their mommy is mean and abusive but they refused to give us a dvp because shes a teacher and it would cause a "scene". we have ordered a guardian of liam and the guardian seemed to blame us for everything and said the things their mother is doing is "fixable" and that she may order his ex and my hubby to go to counseling together. His ex puts on a good show and yes we have made some mistakes and snapped when she would go off on us but we have admitted our wrongs, we are christians and we try to be good to people, but no matter what proof we have, its like its no big deal.

we told them she is suppose to be on her prozac and that she keeps going off it, that she tried ripping the sink out of the wall in front of the boys, threw razors at my hubby's head, threw glasses at him and the guardian just brushed it off. were getting ready to go back to court and were tryiang to get full custody, we just keep praying every night that the court will see the way she really is. the boys are very honest about what she does to them and how shes been mean to them since they said they like me. There were like 3 allegations she made on me and I had proof in court and they canceled them.. one was over spelling, his ex said i didnt study with the boys and i keep a big notebook every night where they have to write their words, and i had a couple letters where we asked her to study with them because we got them back on wednesdays and they were missed 20 words and their test was on friday. one night i called her and told her they missed 20 and asked how she was studying with them and asked her if we could come up with something because i couldnt get all the words in their heads by friday and she screamed and said "your nothing to these boys or to my ex husband"..

so, i need advice, we have cut communication to familywizard which is awesome and eliminated almost everything. but, were still dealing with her trying to find my hubby alone and trying to act like his friend, shes absolutely desperate and tries to get a second of him looking at her. last week, they had a school meeting that im not allowed to and she was trying to sit right beside him and he just got up and moved. so, my question is, in everyones opinion, how can we go about dealing iwth her, we have to deal with her everywhere, games, school, exchanges and everywhere!! how does a stepmother, who the kids say in their eyes is their mother, how do i make the kids more comfortable when were all around her, how do we feel like we can be comfortable around her? we feel like shes controlling our lives, everywhere we go, if the boys are their in any sport activities or practices, she demands to be there, not for support cuz she didnt before, its just to annoy us. we were told my husband cant write im a good mother on facebook because his ex might take offense to it.. we feel like every move we make is controlled..

another question.. why is she doing this?? she absolutely has hated me from the beginning?? shes not thin, im really small.. im 26 and shes 38.. im a model and shes not.. is it possible shes jealous of me?? or is she still in love with my hubby? or is it just control she wants over him again?? were trying to understand her to learn how to deal with her.. its hard.. everywhere we go she has made up lies and they believe her.. my hubby is a state trooper and she makes him out to be this horrible guy.. i mean, were to the point we just try to pray for her every night... help!! does this go on until the kids are 18?? I have 2 kids of my own. ... my ex is completely reasonable, he could care less and he actually loves my husband.. ugh..
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