U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-05-2011, 04:30 PM
 
4 posts, read 3,319 times
Reputation: 10

Advertisements

I'm sorry ?? Im lost.. lol
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-05-2011, 06:03 PM
 
13,045 posts, read 20,312,806 times
Reputation: 34793
#1: Stop the Facebook wars.

#2: Stop looking to a 9 yr old and an 11 yr old for validation of your parenting skills.

#3: Leave all contact with the Ex to your husband. Too bad if it's uncomfortable for him, they are his kids.

#4: Grow up. So, you are younger, thinner, etc. Doesn't matter one bit to the kids, who only need and deserve both parents in their lives.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-05-2011, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 87,373,706 times
Reputation: 39766
Quote:
Originally Posted by jssnbda11 View Post
Ok, I'm going to make this as short as possible and I need some advice PLEASE!!

Ok, so I met my now hubby last year and hes a prince. Sweetest guy in the world, loving, Christian, romantic, just perfect! He has two boys 11 years old and 9 years old.. The problem, the ex..

My hubby was married to her for 10 miserable years. Horrible.. She would go on rampages and throw things at his head, try to rip sinks out of the walls and etc. It was miserable.. They slept in different bedrooms and only got intimate once every few months. He only knew her about a month and she purposely got pregnant and he married her because his family would not like it if he did not. So 10 years just miserable, shes a teacher though and puts on a different personality around people and everything thinks shes so just great..

Well they agreed to go their own ways finally and he encouraged her to leave.. Well, I met him and they were going through the paperwork for the divorce but not divorced yet. She came back to him twice and asked if they could get back together and he said he didnt want to. So, she goes plays the victim and claims i stole him away..

Anyways, I had Facebook and i guess she was checking my mans and mine daily.. There is a thing called "status shuffle" just funny sayings. I am very outgoing and open to things and I like to have fun.. well, shes a very very serious person, no personality. so anyways, one day i found a funny status, it said "what makes a man happy? daughter on the front of cosmo, son on front of sports illustrated, mistress on front of playboy and wife on missing person list". i thought it was funny and put it as my status. i didnt think anything of it i just thought it was funny and his ex took it as a slam to her even though i didnt know anything about her or talked to her. so she gets on her facebook and slams me and my man saying we deserve each other. so a few months later my hubby puts that he doesnt need an xbox anymore because he has me.. well his ex, her mom and everyone starts posting how hes a "filthy creature".. So i defended him... so out of the blue, his ex calls me and says "im sorry for the way i was being, im just jealous because your around my boys and your so young (im 26 shes 38)." so i forgave her and agreed to get along for the boys. well a few weeks later my hubby put that he was thankful to go out in public and not have stress and fight.. well so she calls him and yells at him for this and that..

Well, i had no problem his ex and him talking about the boys, that is their kids. but his ex would call every day and make up crap to talk about, something small and silly about the boys and then switch the conversation to "why are you with her? what do you like about her?". my hubby is very tender hearted and would try to explain to her and that is what made me upset, i told him he doesnt have to explain anything to her its about the boys only.. So, she calls again and he told her to talk only about the boys and nothing else or he would hang up on her next time. Well, couple days later, she started again so he hung up on her and told her unless an emergency, she needs to text him if she has any issues or questions. well, so her texts start about their past and etc again and we ignored them. Well, then she started by when he would call to talk to the boys she would grab the phone and try to talk to him and then give the phone back to the boys and so he asked her not to again. so she kept sending the texts so my hubby and i come up with an idea that she needed to only text me unless an emeregency to try to cut the chit chat she wanted with him... well that worked for about 4 months.. then she started sending me hateful texts and i admit, i fell weak and i wrote stuff i shouldnt have either. we were both wrong..

Meanwhile during all this, his ex sits the boys down and asks who they like better "mommy or stepmommy?" the 9 yr old said both and the 11 year old said me.. She got furious and called my hubby and asked my hubby who he thought was a better mom and he told her me. the next day she filed for court against me.. She has repeated slapped the boys in the face, does harsh punishments, questions them about who they like best, and is just plain mean to them. something i never imagined a mother putting her kids through. So, shes taking us to court and she has all the mean texts i have to her but i wasnt prepared and deleted all the ones i had.. so court has ruled that i do not need to be at the doctors appointments or even in the building, i have to stay home and only the mom and the dad can go in. shes a teacher at their school so im not allowed to go to any private school meetings even though i do the kids homework with them every night. She threw a fit because i signed a daily planner, so cant do that. now shes trying to erase me from everything and even has gone as far as not letting the boys sit with their dad and me at basketball games and extra activities. she grabs the boys grades before school lets out so his father cant see his grades. his ex will wait until i walk away and come over and try to be fake and nice to him out in public. she said she changed her number because i was harrassing her.

The good part is that court ordered Family wizard.. its a great way for my hubby to get on there and its monitered by court and she refuses to write anything mean on there cuz she knows court will see it, so familywizard has been a great tool for us and cutting the communication. the court also didnt cut my husbands days like she asked, they stayed the same.

she sat the oldest boy down and asked him if he wanted to live with us and he said "yes" and she said "you can when i tell you you can". she has a control issue. We have took the boys to a judge and a counselor and they both have heard the boys say that their mommy is mean and abusive but they refused to give us a dvp because shes a teacher and it would cause a "scene". we have ordered a guardian of liam and the guardian seemed to blame us for everything and said the things their mother is doing is "fixable" and that she may order his ex and my hubby to go to counseling together. His ex puts on a good show and yes we have made some mistakes and snapped when she would go off on us but we have admitted our wrongs, we are christians and we try to be good to people, but no matter what proof we have, its like its no big deal.

we told them she is suppose to be on her prozac and that she keeps going off it, that she tried ripping the sink out of the wall in front of the boys, threw razors at my hubby's head, threw glasses at him and the guardian just brushed it off. were getting ready to go back to court and were tryiang to get full custody, we just keep praying every night that the court will see the way she really is. the boys are very honest about what she does to them and how shes been mean to them since they said they like me. There were like 3 allegations she made on me and I had proof in court and they canceled them.. one was over spelling, his ex said i didnt study with the boys and i keep a big notebook every night where they have to write their words, and i had a couple letters where we asked her to study with them because we got them back on wednesdays and they were missed 20 words and their test was on friday. one night i called her and told her they missed 20 and asked how she was studying with them and asked her if we could come up with something because i couldnt get all the words in their heads by friday and she screamed and said "your nothing to these boys or to my ex husband"..

so, i need advice, we have cut communication to familywizard which is awesome and eliminated almost everything. but, were still dealing with her trying to find my hubby alone and trying to act like his friend, shes absolutely desperate and tries to get a second of him looking at her. last week, they had a school meeting that im not allowed to and she was trying to sit right beside him and he just got up and moved. so, my question is, in everyones opinion, how can we go about dealing iwth her, we have to deal with her everywhere, games, school, exchanges and everywhere!! how does a stepmother, who the kids say in their eyes is their mother, how do i make the kids more comfortable when were all around her, how do we feel like we can be comfortable around her? we feel like shes controlling our lives, everywhere we go, if the boys are their in any sport activities or practices, she demands to be there, not for support cuz she didnt before, its just to annoy us. we were told my husband cant write im a good mother on facebook because his ex might take offense to it.. we feel like every move we make is controlled..

another question.. why is she doing this?? she absolutely has hated me from the beginning?? shes not thin, im really small.. im 26 and shes 38.. im a model and shes not.. is it possible shes jealous of me?? or is she still in love with my hubby? or is it just control she wants over him again?? were trying to understand her to learn how to deal with her.. its hard.. everywhere we go she has made up lies and they believe her.. my hubby is a state trooper and she makes him out to be this horrible guy.. i mean, were to the point we just try to pray for her every night... help!! does this go on until the kids are 18?? I have 2 kids of my own. ... my ex is completely reasonable, he could care less and he actually loves my husband.. ugh..
First of all, you don't know what happened in their marriage - you weren't there and you've only heard what he's wanted you to hear.

Therefore, as much as you love him and want to support him emotionally, you need to accept the reality that every person in a story has their version of events.

You are still very young and lack some of the life skills to deal with the complexity of a situation like this, so your best bet is to back off and never utter her name again.

HE needs to be the one dealing with her whenever there is a real issue regarding their children. You have no place going to school conferences or giving your opinion on your step children's mother to anyone. Learn to smile and keep your thoughts to yourself (unless you are privately venting to your best girlfriend).

HE needs to be the one dealing with her when she says things about you without your input, and trust him to do it.

If she is indeed manipulating her children emotionally that WILL come back to haunt her.

Take the high road and over the long haul the kids will see it, understand it and appreciate it.

Other than that, you get off of Facebook, forget the woman exists and concentrate on your own life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-05-2011, 07:38 PM
 
1,226 posts, read 2,019,495 times
Reputation: 1858
1. unfriend her
2. have your husband unfriend her
3. don't have her text you, communication is between him and her
4. you shouldn't need a court order to tell you not to go to parent teacher meetings.... they have two parents.
5. She "demands" to be at their sports activities....huh?? She's their mom.... you are demanding to be there, take that time to spend time with your own kids.
6. Its not a tug of war, let go of the rope.
7. Stop thinking you are their mother in their eyes, that is the root of the problem, focus on being a great stepparent.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-05-2011, 07:57 PM
 
4 posts, read 3,319 times
Reputation: 10
Ok, Im feeling very judged her and I'm sorry I disagree.. Since Familywizard it is between them and its all monitored so everyone is on there best behavior so I dont communicate with her now.
Secondly, I dont bash her on Facebook or play wars on Facebook.. It doesnt matter what I vent about, she takes it as its too her.. I cant put hes the best husband on the world and he cant put im the best wife in the world.. that has nothing to do with her.
I recently learned how to block people so i dont have to worry about this situation again.
I dont expect to go to the parents meetings but my husband was recently awarded a seperate meeting from his ex, a private meeting and since i am the one doing all the work and things with the kids, if shes not present i dont see why i cant be there. but its no big deal either way, just a point.
I didnt mean she demands to be at the activities.. i meant to write she never came to them before until she found out i was there. and yes i am going to continue going to them because the boys want me to go there and I will show them i care and go to the activities.
I have let go of the rope, i dont sit the kids down and ask who they like better. The oldest boy had to do a report for school and put me down as his hero and he also had to write his family members, he put everyone down but his mother and i told him to include his mother. Then when he goes home she yells at him for not putting her down.
I dont expect to be there mothers and i do encourage them to say nice things about their mother. When they come back and say they wish i was their mother, i dont encourage it, i tell them i love them and im sure their mother does too.
Yes, the kids deserve both parents. they DO NOT deserve to be abused and treated horrible to the point we have to take them to counseling and I had to sit down and talk to them about why they made a kill list with their mother on it.
I am being strong and the mature one. I am not throwing their grades in the trash and making up lies and not letting them be by us in public. We still encourage them to love her and we all pray for her. Yes, I have made a few mistakes, but I've definitely admitted them but I wont stand for people saying i was the problem when we have to deal with the boys being treated bad and all i can do is hold them and let them cry when they come back.. We have grew stronger and I dont let her control us anymore or cause us fights. We pretend she doesnt exist when we have to be around her and that is what is working best but we make sure the boys always try to respectful to her, regardless if she deserves it or not. There is a saying and some should remember it, anyone can give birth but it takes a real woman to put her self aside and think about her children. if she doesnt, shes not a mother.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2011, 07:35 AM
 
1,226 posts, read 2,019,495 times
Reputation: 1858
Quote:
Originally Posted by jssnbda11 View Post
Ok, Im feeling very judged her and I'm sorry I disagree.. .
Your post came across as you are trying to compete, and be their mom, which is wrong. It does sound like you are a great stepmom, and she is not such a good mom. Regardless, she is their mom, and you need to respect that role. Step back from trying to compete in her role, and just keep on doing the best you can do with those kids.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-06-2011, 05:30 PM
 
4 posts, read 3,319 times
Reputation: 10
Oh ok.. I'm sorry everyone if I came across like that.. Im not trying to be their mother at all.. I hate typing sometimes because a million thoughts go through my mind and i try to type them all and fast and sometimes it comes out wrong.. I just care about the kids and dont want to see them hurt so i do the best i can to do things that she doesnt do with them.. She stood in court and said her kids hate her because they are problem children and that is so not far. they are wonderful children.. Thanks everyone and sorry if i did come across as trying to replace their mother, i would never do that. I have an ex and we have 2 children and I wouldnt want someone to replace me either, I just wish he would find a good woman to be a good step mother to my children instead of different women each month.. Thanks again and sorry for how it came across..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 01:19 AM
 
2 posts
Reputation: 10
I am having a hard time dealing with what I have read is a high conflict ex and its causing problems between me and my husband. When we first started talking my husband had no contact with his daughter unless him and his ex were "working on things" I had talked to him and we finally decided to go to court. After receiving every other weekend life was great she asked me to watch my step daughter contacted me for questions ect. My step daughter started calling me mom and she flipped out I have talked to my step daughter mind you she just turned for and told her that I'm not her mom she already has a mom and it stopped for a while but her older sister who I've had the same conversation with (different mother) calls me momma _____ my name now my four year old has picked that up and her mom has flipped the switch telling my husband my step daughter can't be left alone with me I shouldn't be taking her to daycare and even harassing my husband with hundreds of questions about what happens on our weekends ect. My husband and I have been disagreeing on the way to handle the situation and have gotten into some pretty heated arguments. I feel like some questions answered are harmless but he insists on arguing with her about how he's not going to tell her anything and they will argue over text for hours.. I understand not wanting her to know every detail of our lives beings it's not hers but I feel like there should be a happy medium somewhere is that unrealistic should I stay out of it completely I'm at a loss ... I cannot and will not treat those little girls like step children when you marry someone with kids those kids become part of you and being in their lives for 3 years now I can't tell them to stop calling me momma_____ can I should I?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 03:55 AM
 
2 posts
Reputation: 10
I have sent my husband a text for what I think would be a happy medium with the hope they both act rationally to said text I will from here on out go directly by paperwork I do work late during the week there for Wednesday's are difficult how ever I will try my best to visit with Emri if I cannot make it out I will let you know as soon as I do and will call to talk to her when I am off... i will not answer questions regarding my parenting style during my parenting time unless is it is a direct issue involving Emri ... moving forward I would like to know about any extra curricular activities and would also like to be involved in her enrollment into school and get a copy of her events calender now in day care and in the future for school dance ect. I would like this to be the end of arguing over text however I am firm on not answering questions that do not directly affect Emri I am her father and am capable of taking care of her during my parenting time as I see fit within reason..... that is what is on my mind at damn near 3am when I have to be at work at five you may not agree you don't have to send it or even talk/argue with me about it just getting it off my chest makes me feel a little better
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top