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Sounds like your finance's daughter can behave just fine when her father lays it on the line.
Good omen for the future.
I would encourage you to allow him to teach his daughter how to behave appropriately.
You can make it clear what you believe is appropriate behavior. But make it clear to him, not her.
They can do anything they want to do. And when they tire of it, they'll UNDO.
OP you keep that girl over a summer or even for a 2 week "vacation" and see if her father has any control at all. I'll bet the answer is HAIL NO. And please, give it a shot. I hope I'm wrong. If I am, I'll ship you a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.
I'm not saying her behavior/disorder isn't a result of something that was totally out of her control.
The fact he isn't on board with family counseling is a HUGE red flag. She's manipulating him and nothing you can do will break this unhealthy relational bond. Pretty soon it will be "you're just jealous of my daughter" and the blame will turn on you.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Since she behaves well a school and church, it sounds like she only didn't behave well on that trip. That was probably pretty boring for her, and she was cold at the war memorial. Not that many adolescents behave nicely when they're bored and physically uncomfortable. I'm not sensing you have much interaction with her, since you see your long distance boyfriend on weekends where the girl is with her mother, and now you've seen her again and she was pleasant to be around.
Since she behaves well a school and church, it sounds like she only didn't behave well on that trip. That was probably pretty boring for her, and she was cold at the war memorial. Not that many adolescents behave nicely when they're bored and physically uncomfortable. I'm not sensing you have much interaction with her, since you see your long distance boyfriend on weekends where the girl is with her mother, and now you've seen her again and she was pleasant to be around.
I'd chalk that up to a very bad week for her.
She said the girl is with her mother every other weekend. It sounds like they spend their vacation/school breaks together and they've been together 2 1/2 years-- she probably does have a good idea what's the girl is like The guy's family have tried to talk to him about the child's behavior, so it's likely to be more than a "bad week".
OP, IMO the fact he refused family counseling is consistent with you say how he is. He would have to admit her behavior is a problem and be willing to work on it. His family already tried to approach him, he shut it down, now he's shutting you down. You apparently told him that family counseling is a must in order to continue; you have to make a hard decision what to do from this point. I'll admit, I'm pretty cynical-- when you said she was well behaved this time and he said he had a talk with her... I was inclined to think he probably bribed her for good behavior. It could be possible, but take It with a grain of salt. I'd just recommend (if you decide to continue in spite of the no family therapy deal) you keep observing, but don't ever take action when the girl is misbehaving. You need to see what he'll do. Just take your stuff and leave with your kids when it becomes unbearable.
Do you understand the concept of what it means to get married?
Well.. since I am married, and have been for 28 yrs, I sorta know a little about it
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IF OP does so they will be creating a NEW family, blending the two. And counseling is definitely needed in my opinion.
thanks for that information!
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In your world you would have OP and her fiance marry and live separate lives.
this truly makes no sense.
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The 12 year old might have ADHD or Autism or she might be a spoiled brat that is pissed her Dad is getting married going to counseling as a family unit would help figure that out.
Dads girlfriend doesn't need to worry about this child's private health history. This is being sneaky trying to use it as her excuse to become violent. There is no excuse. It's not something that should really be disclosed anyhow. She is 12 years old so privacy between father and daughter regarding her health, should be honored.
There gets to be a point when you are dating someone and it just "flows"... meaning you just start sorta becoming part of the family. Not in name yet but it's naturally heading that direction. Signs starts showing up. A group of people bond together as a family sort of would. Kids want Dads girlfriend around at times. Start asking for and about her. Friendships develop. That is a sign it could be time to start disclosing private health information but it will come up naturally, by the 12 yr old child. If not, that private info disclosed by Dad needs to be kept mum.
When you are darn sure it appears to be working out for the betterment of the entire family, and everyone is on board, it's time to start calling your boyfriend/girlfriend, your fiance if you've decided that to be the destiny.
But in order for this to happen, everyone needs to be showing love and respect to ALL members of the family. More-so the newcomer who is earning and loving her way into the family by earning love and respect.
That means not butting in, getting physically violent with someone else's child...all while the father states "she have little behavior issues" Which we learned later is probably true. As later on....she is acting just fine after the father and his daughter, talk. My guess is he didn't attack his daughter nor get physical to overpower her. My concern is this girlfriend might be on drugs herself to not be able to act civiliy or keep her hands to herself. Thieving and such also against his child.
Without respect, meaning a father to intervene to protect his daughter from his girlfriend who is getting violent and committing crimes against her stealing her phone, there is no respect. The girlfriend needs to go. She is dangerous. At some point, this 12 yr old will do worse things than texting when asked to stop. I cannot imagine the violence that will ensue when the girl actually does something really wrong. It will happen, no one is perfect
If she can develop a loving friendship with this girl enough to maybe pull off offering a bit of loving advice to how to handle a few situations, that's great. But it will likely be a long while due to her getting physical with this kid. Yet..this girl sounds very forgiving so you never know. I see no remorse hence this thread. Even after advice is given, the OP pops off with something like "no electronics"
Which we can only hope, is not a rule she is still trying to create for someone elses child. If so, again, this aggresive behavior will likely escalate and it will again, be perpetrated against the child. This will be another broken home if this bull in a china shop is allowed in.
After getting in the families good graces, parenting classes really help but first and fore-most, establish a true, loving friendship with the children.
We are close friends with a blended family you'd never know they are blended. Although I am not keen on the word blended, a family is a family. They love each others kids, started by establishing relationships with them, going slow, letting nature take its course.
Last edited by ItIsWritten.; 04-02-2018 at 12:24 PM..
Well.. since I am married, and have been for 28 yrs, I sorta know a little about it
thanks for that information!
this truly makes no sense.
Dads girlfriend doesn't need to worry about her private health history. It's not something that should really be disclosed. She is 12 years old so privacy between them should be honored.
There gets to be a point when you are dating someone and it just "flows"... meaning you just start sorta becoming part of the family. Not in name yet but it's naturally heading that direction. Signs starts showing up. A group of people bond together as a family sort of would. Kids want Dads girlfriend around at times. Start asking for and about her. Friendships develop. That is a sign it could be time to start disclosing private health information but it will come up naturally, by the 12 yr old child. If not, that private info disclosed by Dad needs to be kept mum.
When you are darn sure it appears to be working out for the betterment of the entire family, and everyone is on board, it's time to start calling your boyfriend/girlfriend, your fiance if you've decided that to be the destiny.
But in order for this to happen, everyone needs to be showing love and respect to ALL members of the family. More-so the newcomer who is earning and loving her way into the family by earning love and respect.
That means not butting in, getting physically violent with someone else's child...all while the father states "she have little behavior issues" Which we learned later is probably true. As later on....she is acting just fine after the father and his daughter, talk. My guess is he didn't attack his daughter nor get physical to overpower her. My concern is this girlfriend might be on drugs herself to not be able to act civiliy or keep her hands to herself. Thieving and such also against his child.
Without respect, meaning a father to intervene to protect his daughter from his girlfriend who is getting violent and committing crimes against her stealing her phone, there is no respect. The girlfriend needs to go. She is dangerous. At some point, this 12 yr old will do worse things than texting when asked to stop. I cannot imagine the violence that will ensue when the girl actually does something really wrong. It will happen, no one is perfect
If she can develop a loving friendship with this girl enough to maybe pull off offering a bit of loving advice to how to handle a few situations, that's great. But it will likely be a long l while due to the atrocity committed against the child. Yet..this girl sounds very forgiving so you never know. After getting in the families good graces, parenting classes really help but first and fore-most, establish a true, loving friendship with the children.
We are close friends with a blended family you'd never know they are blended. Although I am not keen on the word blended, a family is a family. They always loved each others kids, establishing relationships with them, going slow, letting nature take its course. Not being dis-respectful to them in any way.
Wow. Completely off the deep end (20 people have said this to you and yet it's every one else) and out of line. Ridiculous. Good job ending this thread.
Wow. Completely off the deep end (20 people have said this to you and yet it's every one else) and out of line. Ridiculous. Good job ending this thread.
What she did is against the law two-fold. She is lucky the child didn't call 911. 20 people is a bit of an exaggeration but whatever
There are many people who are divorced and are in a broken home already. Often of their own doing. Don't be surprised when 20 people promote violence against a child by someone not in authority over them, just look to their own personal history. This reveals alot about them.
Of course there are people who are divorced who are very stable, loving, non-violent people and never were violent even during the dating stage. Now involved with their new blended family and it is a success. No family is perfect. But they are just as much of a family as we are. I've grabbed away my sons telephone too. But he is my son.
No one gets violent with a child, whom they have no authority over, who is hiding under her bed texting. No one goes and orders her to stop then escalates the situation by getting physical and stealing from her. No excuse for that. Especially when her father and grandfather are there. And she is a guest with this family. This is of someone who is very unstable. Is it forgivable? Many things are. But this thread shows no remorse and that is key to changing behaviors.
Last edited by ItIsWritten.; 04-02-2018 at 12:33 PM..
What she did is against the law. She is lucky the child didn't call 911.
There are many people who are divorced and are in a broken home already. Often of their own doing. Don't be surprised when 20 people promote violence against a child, just look to their own personal history. This reveals alot about them.
Of course there are people who are divorced who are very stable, loving, non-violent people and never were violent even during the dating stage. Now involved with their new blended family and it is a success. No family is perfect. But they are just as much of a family as we are.
No one gets violent with a child, whom they have no authority over, who is hiding under her bed texting. No one goes and orders her to stop then escalates the situation by getting physical and stealing from her. No excuse for that. Especially when her father and grandfather are there. And she is a guest with this family. This is of someone who is very unstable. Is it forgivable? Many things are. But this thread shows no remorse and that is key to changing behaviors.
You think her prying the phone away from the 12 year old is "violent" behavior???
You think her prying the phone away from the 12 year old is "violent" behavior???
Did she over-power her getting physical? Would this cause the child to fight back to keep her phone or possibly hit in retaliation? Heck this lady even states this girl is ADD and such. They are known for impulsive behaviors. The motivator? Nothing. The child was texting!
This was none of her business in the first place. Behavior by a guest, Dads girlfriend, which shouldn't have occured.
Luckily Dad smoothed it over. Now I guess the girl was more obedient to her father. Even going over to load the dishwasher.
This can only get worse...unless the OP has a change of heart. Her cold heart needs to warm up. That doesn't appear likely.
Did she over-power her getting physical? Would this cause the child to fight back to keep her phone or possibly hit in retaliation? Heck this lady even states this girl is ADD and such. They are known for impulsive behaviors. The motivator? Nothing. The child was texting!
This was none of her business in the first place. Behavior by a guest, Dads girlfriend, which shouldn't have occured.
Luckily Dad smoothed it over. Now I guess the girl was more obedient to her father. Even going over to load the dishwasher.
This can only get worse...unless the OP has a change of heart. Her cold heart needs to warm up. That doesn't appear likely.
Oh ok. So you are leaping to the assumption that she had to overpower her and get violent to take the phone away. If I told my son to turn off his phone and he refused, heck yeah I would pry it out of his hand! If that's what you consider violent, I don't know what to tell you.
So you would just let her continue texting against your will???
Right. She might even have paid for the entire vacation for both the dad and his daughter...she's not a "guest" period. She has a significant relationship and the father has allowed her to have some disciplinary authority over his child. This is perfectly okay. This particular poster has ranted for days about the OP's issue. She just won't stop the angry rants.
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