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Sounds like she has been needing her ass striped for a while but he is just being passive and letting her act and do what she wants. You see this everywhere now. If he doesn't get a handle on it real soon, she may be totally out of control at age 16 in just a few years. There is no way in hell I would put up with it. I am a guy but I can tell you that if I was single and started dating someone and her children acted this way, I would not be around very long. I would just tell him, either handle it or I am out because she is not going to talk to me that way, act that way or disrespect me.
On another note, is there a kid anywhere these days that the parents don't say they have ADD or ADHD? Every where you turn someone is saying their kid has one of them or something. A lot of kids are a little wild and don't focus but now it seems parents want to take them to a doctor and get them diagnosed with something so they can drug them up and make them lethargic so they don't have to deal with them. I see them a year or two later and the kid is sitting there staring at the wall or out a window like a vegetable. I have wondered if some of this is why we have all these crazy late teen early 20's kids wanting to shoot places up. I was a royal pain in the ass when I was a kid, about bouncing off the walls all the time and only slept about 5 hours a day. Usually from around 1:00AM to 6:00AM give or take an hour. These days, a parent would take a kid like me to the doctor and get me diagnosed with ADHD and drug me up. lol
I appreciate the advice. I told him yesterday we needed to sit down without distractions and have a long talk about expectations for all the kids so we were on the same page. Family counseling would put it in a more objective environment, and then I also wouldn't be "the bad guy". We will have to look into somewhere good that we can also afford. Thanks so much!
Lining out expectations is good. But you're going to have to also set yours and ask yourself just how much you can take in. The dynamic is already set and it's not optimistic that you won't be the "bad guy" here.
It's not acceptable to use the "tired" excuse in order not to deal with your own kid. He's deflecting and putting it on you to deal with the kid. He'll sabotage you and your efforts because it is easy and it'll wrongly make him look like the good guy in daughter's eyes. I'd hold off progressing the wedding and certain things until he puts in actual serious long term effort. You do have your own kids to think of and they deserve stability.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Originally Posted by Coldjensens
Yes you can. And they learn from it and grow into better people. This kind of attitude is what is creating the spoiled brats like the 12 year old described above.
There is no law written that says a child must have a mattress and/or a bed. In fact there are hundreds of thousands of children sleeping on the floor right now.
While engendering the health of a child is prohibited, that does not give you the ability to impose your ideas of what a parent should do on others, what furniture a child should be required to use or not use, what toys or electronics must be made available, and does not allow you to require everyone produce rotten spoiled mental cases with no respect for anyone or anything. Not even in the Socialist Republic of California have they gone that far, and they couldn't. CPS could spend every day all day rounding up all the parents of kids who sleep on the floor in California and never make a dent. There are more children sleeping on the floor in California than anywhere.
If by "better people", you mean children who will not express the disrespect they are feeling, and will do laundry when requested, yes, they turn into "better people".
It makes for a person who is silently fantasizing taking revenge on you, and will likely take revenge on someone weaker than themselves when given the chance. Ya gotta wonder how things got to such a state in the family that parents had to seek such a drastic solution. And no, it wasn't by making a child feel loved and important and welcome and cared for.
And now, I'm out of here for Easter weekend. Going camping with my extended family and grown kids. ;D
My fiance has a 12 yo daughter who talks back or argues every time you say something to her. She is extremely disrespectful and frequently calls her dad stupid. She interrupts adults talking, whines and complains if she doesn't get her way, and screeches every morning when she is woken up. We just went to DC together on a much-anticipated spring break. She complained loudly (even after a clear instruction of expectations was given) because she was cold and tired, and it was snowing. This went on the whole time her Grandpa, a Vietnam Vet, was seeing the Vietnam Memorial for the first time. If she doesn't have her nose in her phone or computer, she doesn't know how to survive. She ignores rules and doesn't care if she gets caught. In the hotel room one night, we told her several times to turn off her phone. She waited a while, then continued to text under the blanket. When I pried it away, she said "What!" "At least charge it for me if you're going to take it." I hid it, and for the next hour she came over and fumbled around by my nightstand four different times trying to find her phone. My fiance thinks she doesn't have much behavior issues since she is ADHD and Asberger, but she is able to behave at school and church, so I feel she is capable of also behaving well at home. She lies, yells at anyone trying to talk to her (including grandparents) and is constantly putting us in danger of being kicked out of hotels or restaurants. Her behavior gets me upset the first 15 minutes into being around her. Am I overreacting to this behavior?
I would be NOPING right out there immediately unless he makes some very fast, visible changes to his parenting style. Kids are a primary reason for second marriage fails. I have a son with high functioning Asperger's and ADHD and he still as always been expected to behave appropriately and have good manners to the extent he is able. He is an adult now but now, and as a kid, everyone thought of him as bright and very well mannered (although he could and can sometimes be painfully honest, missing social cues, and hurt feelings unintentionally). He (all my kids) was raised with very clear and fair expectations for behavior and prompt, predictable consequences for bad behavior. This is not Asperger's/ADHD, this is spoiled brat behavior. This will constantly be a bone of contention in your marriage and will create issues when your children see her misbehaving in ways that they are not allowed. If he doesn't want to step up and take responsibility for parenting his child, this marriage is doomed and frankly, I wouldn't even go there.
OP, lots of single dads out there are looking for a new wife to be "babysitter" to their kid. With a child who has special needs and/or bad behavior, the need becomes even greater. You might question whether it's you he really wants, or your childcare services.
And this is one reason I would never date single fathers. I waited until I met someone who didn't have children from a previous relationship. Relationships already have lots of complications without adding step kids into the mix. If the step kids are poorly behaved, that's even worse.
On another note, is there a kid anywhere these days that the parents don't say they have ADD or ADHD? Every where you turn someone is saying their kid has one of them or something. A lot of kids are a little wild and don't focus but now it seems parents want to take them to a doctor and get them diagnosed with something so they can drug them up and make them lethargic so they don't have to deal with them.
ADD and ADHD are real disorders.
And not all diagnosed children get medications or drugs. Mine does not.
But yes, the disorder is real and it's a valid diagnosis.
As a parent, or even if you weren't one, how on Earth can you respect a man who is too tired, forgetful, or just does not care enough to parent his child? Why are you with him? What is so enticing about a man who puts zero effort into the most important job he has in the world?
I don't get it.
You need a sit down with your boyfriend well before you have one with this girl. You can tell her expectations till you're blue in the face, but if he doesn't grow a spine and actually CARE enough to follow a consistent plan, nothing's going to change.
And not all diagnosed children get medications or drugs. Mine does not.
But yes, the disorder is real and it's a valid diagnosis.
I didn't say they aren't real disorders. What I am saying is probably at least 75% of the diagnosis' are bull****. Nothing more than a label the parents can use as an excuse for their behavior and lack of discipline. You know the type...."Hey Susan, your kid is in the other room ripping the blinds off the windows and beating the dog with them." Susan replies with: "Sorry, he has ADHD and gets a little out of control sometimes."
That child is out of control because she has been neglected and if you marry this man he is simply going to turn all responsibility over to you and then neglect you, too. But you can expect him to pay just enough attention to undermine your authority so you can't get the child under control.
And even more joy, it is unlikely that this child can survive in the real world because she lacks skills, so you can expect her to return home often.
I don't care what disabilities a child has, the child can learn some manners. Maybe not to a high social standard, but certainly better than this child is behaving. It might take extra work, but this father is flat refusing to take any responsibility.
Back in the day this was solved with a little spank. Once or twice is probably enough to make her show respect for the rest of her life. I would never have dared to talk back to my parents.
Nowadays, you'll diagnose them with a disorder and pump them full with meds.
One of those two options needs to happen or this unruly kid will make your life hell ... and don't think it is over when she turns 18. I suspect she won't move out until her 30s because she either won't get a job or gets frequently fired.
It is not too late - put a stop to it NOW.
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