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Ugh, I have to agree. I could not take that. If I had ever acted that way with my parents, God knows what they would have done, but it wouldn't have been pretty. As others have said, this isn't going to get better, nor if it does it will be many years.
I would have taken the battery out of her phone, and hid her laptop. If she screamed, I'd confine her to her bedroom, and remove the door. She would go to school, and that's it, until she improved.
Glad to hear you are more grounded. I hope all works out for the best no matter the outcome
Congrats on understanding you need family counseling. I would suggest they do the same but clearly, as you know, you are not family so that is for them to do on their own. You have no involvement in their family.
You are welcome to decide electronics as a privilege in your own household. Goes without saying his family is not yours so you have no rights to butt in making rules for other people's children. Her parents will make those decisions for her. But you know that.
Since your boyfriend talked to his daughter about behavior, hopefully apologizing to her for not defending her against you, you will also take heed to learn from this. You got off very easy. Clearly no man-handling of other peoples children nor deciding when. or if, they use electronics. And absolutely no thieving of any children's property for now on. This includes future boyfriends kids.
When the parent, your boyfriend, orders his own daughter to do something, stay out of it. Sounds like you have a hole to dug out of, but his daughter sounds wonderful. The fact she didn't attack you back when you became physical is commendable. And she's even extending an olive branch to you. How blessed you are! It might be best you notify of her mother of your history of aggression with her child and apologize. Just to head it off.
Yes seek counseling so this man-handling of other peoples children and thieving gets under control and doesn't escalate. We all know that you. as an adult, are capable of doing better now. That is the most important that you be a role model and butt out of bossing her around and involving yourself into their relationship. If you cannot keep your hands to yourself, let your boyfriend know of your struggles so this incident doesn't repeat itself. Clearly you may need many years of therapy and medication. I wish the best for your entire family, please make choices conducive to what is best for everyone.
So glad the daughter is willing to forgive you. What a great girl!!
I can only hope this is sarcasm, because if it isn't, I can't figure what alternate universe you are corresponding from.
Forgive me but I just do not understand how anyone would consider spending and sharing their life with a man who lacks both courage and a spine.
Not to mention--compassion for his daughter. This is not a caring parent. This is a parent who has checked out.
The OP is on the right track, to suggest family counseling, or a course in parenting skills, along with a meeting with a specialist in Asperger's and ADHD, to find out what's reasonable to require of the child. I suspect "dad" has chosen to roll over and die, writing off the behavior problems as due to the child's mysterious illnesses, which he probably doesn't entirely understand, or know how to work with. He needs to inform himself. Better late than never, right? He owes it to his daughter, to prepare her adequately for adulthood. He's copping out, and the daughter will be the one to pay the price, when she has to face the real world on her own, as an adult.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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I'm struggling with this cell phone thing. This is not like a 4 year old who is running around with a knife, or a delicate violin, which in either case would warrant a physical confrontation to get those items away.
OP, this is not your business, and not your authority, after dad (or whoever else is the "we" here) tells her not to text, for you to get involved and physically take it and then then hide her phone. Not your place.
If this 12 year old were taking your child's cell phone, or someone else's, or doing something that harmed anyone at all, it would be understandable. But it is not your place to take away her property and hide it just because she's 12 and you're an older person in the room.
Run. Run very fast and very far. It will come down to her mother kicking her out and she will be yours to endure WELL PAST ADULTHOOD. Her father is making excuses for her now. What happens when she's under your roof. She will step up the manipulation.
I know you care about him but this will not be worth it. That feeling of discomfort? Nobody cares. It's her movie and you're not even an extra. You're a piece of furniture. She calls the shots.
There's a possibility of behavioral therapy but she will have to see a problem and want to fix it. Right now she's being rewarded for good behavior at church and school. So she plays the game. Eventually she will be bored with those rewards and look to bigger and more self-destructive things. She will use her dad and he will fall for it. And your heart will be collateral damage. Go to a counselor with him to get you both on the same page about what she's doing. She has no self control (self regulation) and the worst thing he can do is let her continue down this path. Probably stems from the divorce. Personality disorder of some kind. btdt, living through it and ending it by leaving. (after 7yrs)
Thank you for all your replies and advice. I needed some perspective; I was starting to think I was overreacting, but this doesn't seem the case. My fiance and I have dated 2 1/2 years, but only see each other on the weekend (long distance relationship) and the daughter is with her mother, who let's her stay on the computer/phone 24/7, every other weekend. I talked with him Friday and told him I wanted to get family counseling. He is not on board with that, but it will be a must for me to move forward. Also, electronics will need to be a privilege. Anyway, they came over and she was like a different person. She behaved, she didn't scream, she went to bed when told, she played outside without her phone, and she even loaded the dishwasher!! When I asked him what alternate reality we had entered, he told me he had talked with her about the severity of her behavior. It may not last without work, but we all know she is capable of doing better now.
Sounds like your finance's daughter can behave just fine when her father lays it on the line.
Good omen for the future.
I would encourage you to allow him to teach his daughter how to behave appropriately.
You can make it clear what you believe is appropriate behavior. But make it clear to him, not her.
Glad to hear you are more grounded. I hope all works out for the best no matter the outcome
Congrats on understanding you need family counseling. I would suggest they do the same but clearly, as you know, you are not family so that is for them to do on their own. You have no involvement in their family.
You are welcome to decide electronics as a privilege in your own household. Goes without saying his family is not yours so you have no rights to butt in making rules for other people's children. Her parents will make those decisions for her. But you know that.
Since your boyfriend talked to his daughter about behavior, hopefully apologizing to her for not defending her against you, you will also take heed to learn from this. You got off very easy. Clearly no man-handling of other peoples children nor deciding when. or if, they use electronics. And absolutely no thieving of any children's property for now on. This includes future boyfriends kids.
When the parent, your boyfriend, orders his own daughter to do something, stay out of it. Sounds like you have a hole to dug out of, but his daughter sounds wonderful. The fact she didn't attack you back when you became physical is commendable. And she's even extending an olive branch to you. How blessed you are! It might be best you notify of her mother of your history of aggression with her child and apologize. Just to head it off.
Yes seek counseling so this man-handling of other peoples children and thieving gets under control and doesn't escalate. We all know that you. as an adult, are capable of doing better now. That is the most important that you be a role model and butt out of bossing her around and involving yourself into their relationship. If you cannot keep your hands to yourself, let your boyfriend know of your struggles so this incident doesn't repeat itself. Clearly you may need many years of therapy and medication. I wish the best for your entire family, please make choices conducive to what is best for everyone.
So glad the daughter is willing to forgive you. What a great girl!!
HappyEaster to you.
Do you understand the concept of what it means to get married? IF OP does so they will be creating a NEW family, blending the two. And counseling is definitely needed in my opinion.
In your world you would have OP and her fiance marry and live separate lives. The 12 year old might have ADHD or Autism or she might be a spoiled brat that is pissed her Dad is getting married going to counseling as a family unit would help figure that out.
OP, find out why your fiance flat out said know. For me that would be a deal breaker.
Good Luck
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