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Old 04-02-2018, 03:09 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
15,199 posts, read 10,202,163 times
Reputation: 32140

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Wow - just wow. If I had seen this behavior in the child of a man I started dating I would end it immediately. He and his ex sound like they are both too lazy to discipline their daughter which is something that is happening more and more in this country. I hope he has some redeeming qualities to compensate for all the angst you will suffer in the future unless some changes are made.
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Old 04-02-2018, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Mt. Lebanon
2,001 posts, read 2,502,282 times
Reputation: 2351
Jesus! So this daughter will stay with you or her mom? You really need to talk to your fiancee. I see potential problems here that might affect your relationship down the road.
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Old 04-02-2018, 03:18 PM
 
371 posts, read 286,221 times
Reputation: 642
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
Wow - just wow. If I had seen this behavior in the child of a man I started dating I would end it immediately.
A child not responding to Dad when he asks her to stop texting is not atrocious behavior. It is of a 12 yr old and not uncommon. If this is that offensive, if I were you, I wouldn't date ANYONE with children. Have your own maybe


Quote:
He and his ex sound like they are both too lazy to discipline their daughter which is something that is happening more and more in this country. I hope he has some redeeming qualities to compensate for all the angst you will suffer in the future unless some changes are made.
He had a talk with his daughter after the incident and despite no apologizes mentioned on behalf of the OP, extended an olive branch to her. Yet it appears still, isn't enough to commend the girl for it. This 12 year old, from a broken home, showed more grace towards this lady than she is even willing to accept. She called it entering an alternate reality instead of accepting it as the reality it is. This lady seems to want and need to be #1 in every area and no room for family.
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Old 04-02-2018, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Somewhere that cost too much
444 posts, read 384,037 times
Reputation: 294
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItIsWritten. View Post
The truth is, she doesn't even sound like his girlfriend. They do not sound connected at all. They don't sound as if they even spend much time together except on some weekends. She doesn't sound as if she knows the child she offended repeatedly, well at all. I guess she only visits every other weekend.

This rushing into marriage is a bad idea. There is a natural flow that you wait to occur to ensure success. Positive signs will be present within both parties showing the relationships are progressing, naturally, into being a family, Then you can decide to advance beyond the label of Dads' girlfriend to his Fiancee. Which again, changes nothing in relation to the kids.
I agree that it doesn’t seem like the flow of a dating that leads to marriage is there. The distance plus being a single parent is hard.

I wonder if OP has spent anytime with her fiancé’s daughter, just them. A girls day. Or has it been family time or fiancé and OP.

No matter counseling is still important. I’m engaged. My fiancé and I went to counseling before we got engaged.
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Old 04-02-2018, 06:14 PM
 
1,201 posts, read 796,535 times
Reputation: 3188
Quote:
Originally Posted by jc718 View Post
I agree that it doesn’t seem like the flow of a dating that leads to marriage is there. The distance plus being a single parent is hard.

I wonder if OP has spent anytime with her fiancé’s daughter, just them. A girls day. Or has it been family time or fiancé and OP.

No matter counseling is still important. I’m engaged. My fiancé and I went to counseling before we got engaged.
Did you read the original post? The girl is obnoxious to her own father and grandparents as well as strangers in restaurants and other places. This isn’t an issue with the girl and the future step mother - the girl is a spoiled brat with everyone and her father doesn’t do anything about it.
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Old 04-02-2018, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Somewhere that cost too much
444 posts, read 384,037 times
Reputation: 294
Quote:
Originally Posted by OttoR View Post
Did you read the original post? The girl is obnoxious to her own father and grandparents as well as strangers in restaurants and other places. This isn’t an issue with the girl and the future step mother - the girl is a spoiled brat with everyone and her father doesn’t do anything about it.
Yes I read it. Dad putting his foot down doesn’t take away from the fact that OP and fiancé need counseling together and then with the kids. The daughter acts obnoxious in public because she wants attention probably from Dad. This isn’t rocket science, it’s weekend parenting 101.
Father/daughter time can be counseling sessions.

I’m done repeating myself.
Good night 😊
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Old 04-02-2018, 09:00 PM
 
8,085 posts, read 5,209,654 times
Reputation: 22680
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItIsWritten. View Post
Um...yeah. Please just take a breath if you would. In and out. No swat team involved here.

That is possible too. They would've at least asked about him I didn't do it perfectly. Much depends upon how much time they have also. My sister is a Sheriffs Dispatcher.

We were foster parents for many years. These incidences are often further investigated.
Children can be taken away. Don't risk it. In our new area, I wouldn't guess the child would be removed. In our former uppidy town, that is a VERY REAL possibility.

Moral of the story? Butt out. Don't get physical with a child you are not placed in authority over.
Be appreciative you were invited on this trip. Be appreciative the child forgave you and be kind in turn.
Don't make snide remarks. Don't start threads on message boards blaming your victim.
History will repeat itself as long as remorse is lacking. and we hope, when this child does actually do something wrong, this person doesn't feel the need to suddenly "spank her" smack her or worse. This is not good when something so trivial that doesn't even involve her sets the OP off. She calls the child texting "atrocious behavior" the title of the thread. Just wait.
My son is a cop. Criminal offense in this situation? Not a frigging chance.



And---Lord have mercy. Foster parents? Ugh. Me thinks this hits real close to home for you.
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Old 04-02-2018, 09:12 PM
 
Location: State of Denial
2,480 posts, read 1,851,671 times
Reputation: 13490
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
My son is a cop. Criminal offense in this situation? Not a frigging chance.



And---Lord have mercy. Foster parents? Ugh. Me thinks this hits real close to home for you.
You might be on to something there.....
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Old 04-02-2018, 09:34 PM
 
371 posts, read 286,221 times
Reputation: 642
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
My son is a cop. Criminal offense in this situation? Not a frigging chance.



And---Lord have mercy. Foster parents? Ugh. Me thinks this hits real close to home for you.
I don't care if your son is a Cop. I've had foster kids that shouldn't have been taken from their home in the first place. Different areas, as I stated, are different in how they handle things.

We are considering becoming foster parents in our new town. Much more relaxed here.

Please don't pretend to know better because you are related to someone in law enforcement. I have personal first hand experience. Even when someone isn't charged, the Cop often will call out CPS to investigate

Not only was my FIL a Cop, but my sister a Sheriffs Dispatcher but that is beside the point

Again, personal experience here.

Kids get falsely taken away ALL THE TIME in our former County. Don't deliberately get into a physical altercation with a child you are not in authority over, and to boot, had no business stealing from or getting physical with, period. Don't wake the sleeping Giant.

That is the safest route to go. Spend time with the child outside of her 48 hrs with Dad every few weeks. Take her to lunch, care ABOUT her FIRST. What I learned as a foster parent is when you care about them as a person FIRST, eventually, you get it back. You learn what is best for them and they extend the olive branch back. That's the norm.

Last edited by ItIsWritten.; 04-02-2018 at 09:49 PM..
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Old 04-02-2018, 09:39 PM
 
371 posts, read 286,221 times
Reputation: 642
Quote:
Originally Posted by jc718 View Post
I agree that it doesn’t seem like the flow of a dating that leads to marriage is there. The distance plus being a single parent is hard.

I wonder if OP has spent anytime with her fiancé’s daughter, just them. A girls day. Or has it been family time or fiancé and OP.

No matter counseling is still important. I’m engaged. My fiancé and I went to counseling before we got engaged.
The 12 year old sees her Dad for 48 hrs every other weekend. I don't understand why he doesn't designate that time to be with her and her only. Bringing in your girlfriend and sleeping with her is so sad. It should've been the daughter in bed with her father due to such reduced hours they have together, if anything.

For the girlfriend to spend time with the child outside of those 48 hours is an EXCELLENT idea. Best post ever! The issue is, I don't think she'll put fourth the effort. She calls herself the Fiance yet only sees him weekends though it should be every other weekend due to his obligation to his daughter.

But yes, to want to get to know the daughter as a person herself is key. I suspect this relationship won't last for various reasons though. Hopefully whatever the end result, it is the best for everyone involved.
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