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The 12 year old sees her Dad for 48 hrs every other weekend. I don't understand why he doesn't designate that time to be with her and her only. Bringing in your girlfriend and sleeping with her is so sad. It should've been the daughter in bed with her father due to such reduced hours they have together, if anything.
For the girlfriend to spend time with the child outside of those 48 hours is an EXCELLENT idea. Best post ever! The issue is, I don't think she'll put fourth the effort. She calls herself the Fiance yet only sees him weekends though it should be every other weekend due to his obligation to his daughter.
But yes, to want to get to know the daughter as a person herself is key. I suspect this relationship won't last for various reasons though. Hopefully whatever the end result, it is the best for everyone involved.
I was discussing this thread with my husband last night. We talked about all this discussion of the girl calling 911 for something flimsy like taking her phone away.
I think the main reason I'm disputing this is the way we raised our children. We have built up a huge amount of good will with them. They always knew they had it pretty good and that we love them unconditionally. They knew what the CPS process was and they knew about the potential pitfalls of foster care. I guess I just assume that all parents have had this conversation with their kids.
I feel like if my kids ever did call 911 or report us to CPS, there would be a fracture in our family bond. I would probably always hold that child at arms length regardless of the outcome of the investigation. This would be especially true if they reported something as frivolous as this.
My fiance has a 12 yo daughter who talks back or argues every time you say something to her. She is extremely disrespectful and frequently calls her dad stupid. She interrupts adults talking, whines and complains if she doesn't get her way, and screeches every morning when she is woken up. We just went to DC together on a much-anticipated spring break. She complained loudly (even after a clear instruction of expectations was given) because she was cold and tired, and it was snowing. This went on the whole time her Grandpa, a Vietnam Vet, was seeing the Vietnam Memorial for the first time. If she doesn't have her nose in her phone or computer, she doesn't know how to survive. She ignores rules and doesn't care if she gets caught. In the hotel room one night, we told her several times to turn off her phone. She waited a while, then continued to text under the blanket. When I pried it away, she said "What!" "At least charge it for me if you're going to take it." I hid it, and for the next hour she came over and fumbled around by my nightstand four different times trying to find her phone. My fiance thinks she doesn't have much behavior issues since she is ADHD and Asberger, but she is able to behave at school and church, so I feel she is capable of also behaving well at home. She lies, yells at anyone trying to talk to her (including grandparents) and is constantly putting us in danger of being kicked out of hotels or restaurants. Her behavior gets me upset the first 15 minutes into being around her. Am I overreacting to this behavior? Fiance's daughter has atrocious behavior
Yes, I have two daughters who are about her age. One of them also has ADHD and Asberger's. I understand all about holding it together at school and needing down time. But her behavior is the same on non school days. She argues every time. She talks back constantly. That is learned behavior due to no consequences or consistency. Her father works long hours, so when he is home he is tired and doesn't want to deal with it. He just lets her stay on the computer all day. If we are out in public, he doesn't want to deal with it for fear of causing a bigger scene. Then he forgets to deal with it later. He tried some state based counseling, and she was not cooperative with them when they tried to outline acceptable behavior and also helping a little around the house. Many relatives have tried talking to him but he just doesn't think it is a problem. She lied about me and admitted it later, with no consequences. She stays up til 12 or 1 am on school nights on her computer with no consequences. He did try turning Wi-Fi off at night but she sneaks in his room to turn the hot spot on his phone on. Now she has her own unlimited phone plan with a hot spot! She can be sweet, but much of the time it is not pleasant to be around her (mornings she screams for 10 - 30 min or more because she was woke up, even if it is 10:00), nights she tells if she is asked to get off computer and go to bed. During the day, she has bad attitude and makes sure everyone suffers if we try to go somewhere or do something as a family. She does like a few things that take her away from computer, so when we do that she is okay after the wake up screaming fit. http://www.city-data.com/forum/51467019-post5.html
I appreciate the advice. I told him yesterday we needed to sit down without distractions and have a long talk about expectations for all the kids so we were on the same page. Family counseling would put it in a more objective environment, and then I also wouldn't be "the bad guy". We will have to look into somewhere good that we can also afford. Thanks so much! http://www.city-data.com/forum/51467056-post6.html
Thank you for all your replies and advice. I needed some perspective; I was starting to think I was overreacting, but this doesn't seem the case. My fiance and I have dated 2 1/2 years, but only see each other on the weekend (long distance relationship) and the daughter is with her mother, who let's her stay on the computer/phone 24/7, every other weekend. I talked with him Friday and told him I wanted to get family counseling. He is not on board with that, but it will be a must for me to move forward. Also, electronics will need to be a privilege. Anyway, they came over and she was like a different person. She behaved, she didn't scream, she went to bed when told, she played outside without her phone, and she even loaded the dishwasher!! When I asked him what alternate reality we had entered, he told me he had talked with her about the severity of her behavior. It may not last without work, but we all know she is capable of doing better now. http://www.city-data.com/forum/51487909-post99.html
I will insist on some sort of counseling before we move forward with marriage. I need to know there's a plan in place and to see consistently better behavior from her as well as consistent consequences from her dad.
Just to clear up a few things:
The trip was planned by me and I paid for me and my two daughters' part of everything
The grandparents tried numerous times talking with her and my fiance, and the grandmother's one point told her her behavior was going to ruin everything
Her mother sees her every other weekend. She has had her other daughter removed from her custody several times.
My fiance is awesome with my kids, and they adore him. They have a great relationship.
My fiance and I have so much in common, and I can really see myself growing old with him. I guess I just have to be aware his daughter may always be with us if she can't get on a better track.
I appreciate all the advice and input! http://www.city-data.com/forum/51502891-post160.html
I was addressing the incident specifically. There was no atrocious behavior directed at the fiancee unless suddenly, she wants to bring that in too. As she has suddenly now added that her children were present at the time and some other details which of course, portreys the other side in a bad light.
So sad her kids are present on this trip YET she chose to sleep in bed with her boyfriend instead of staying with her OWN girls and allowing him to stay with his OWN daughter. Talk about selfish. Especially since his daughter has such a short period of time with her Dad as it is (every other weekend). So much disrespect towards this young girl directed towards the girl while avoiding answering any questions as to whether she's actually spent time one on one to get to know her.
This girl should've called 911. We see this now. This woman will assault this young girl again. She will interject herself into in order to abuse this girl again.
Atrocious behavior on the girlfriends part.
This OP keeps coming back adding to the story yet refusing to answer anything like did she make any effort towards seeing the child at all, getting to know here one on one.
This child will be assaulted AGAIN. You can bet your bottom dollar on that. You can bet she is going to continue to interject herself into this child's every other weekend she has to spend with her father. She will not let her boyfriend spend this rare, quality time alone with his own daughter. Nor will she try to see this child outside of her 48 hr every other weekends with Dad in order to get to know her as an individual. OP won't address anyone here who says something she doesn't want to hear ...like RUN nor anything involving changing her own methods/behaviors to make the situation better.
Good luck. If she is a daddy’s girl the marriage is doomed. Don’t marry unless your demands for this child’s problems are kept. She needs help. She is not having normal behavior. It may get worse as she gets older. I wouldn’t want to have to fight with her dad about her. This little girl needs to realize it’s not all about her anymore.
The daughter lives with the Mother. Now suddenly "the mother has had her other children taken away repeatedly" which I suspect is untrue. The story changes like lightening.
Either way, it won't correct all of the issues with the girlfriend assaulting this girl while criticizing her for screaming and such. People here wonder why OP brings in her own kids into the mix. I wonder too since this girls behavior is so "atrocious". All wWhile making demands and interjecting herself into the family... ordering the child around... then assaulting her. Thieving from her.
Good grief, the 12 year old has better behavior than the visiting girlfriend. She showed so much grace towards her attacker yet no mention of how nice it was she was being so kind to her. Only a snide remark made to the Dad about how they might have stepped into an alternate reality/universe. OP will never be satisfied. OP will continue to assault this child, her criminal behavior will escalate. No one demands family counseling regarding someone else's family. They gently, and lovingly, ask what they can do to make the situation better and meekly introduce the idea. The home is already broken, both, there is no need to combine households to further break these kids homes up again. This is a disaster.
The daughter lives with the Mother. Now suddenly "the mother has had her other children taken away repeatedly" which I suspect is untrue. The story changes like lightening.
Either way, it won't correct all of the issues with the girlfriend assaulting this girl while criticizing her for screaming and such. Demanding interjecting herself into the family ordering a child around then assaulting her. Thieving from her.
Good grief, the 12 year old has better behavior than the visiting girlfriend. She showed so much grace towards her attacker yet no mention of how nice it was she was being so kind to her. Only a snide remark made to the Dad about how they might have stepped into an alternate reality/universe. She will never be satisfied. She will continue to assault this child, her criminal behavior will escalate. No one demands family counseling regarding someone elses family. They gently, and lovingly, ask what they can do to make the situation better and meekly introduce the idea.
Where did she say the daughter lives with the mother? Your own post above with all the posts CLEARLY SHOWS that she sees her mother every other weekend.
Also to those parents worried about CPS being called on you, don't worry about that. Because as long as you can show that you are not abusing your children you will be fine trust me. My son was going to therapy due to issues he was dealing with about his mother and he brought up that he got spankings from me. So the therapist told CPS and they came to my house saying that they got a report about me abusing my kids. I said no I don't abuse them I just spank them, so they interviewed me and the kids, came to my house, looked around. Ultimately everything was fine and I still spank to this day if it is needed.
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