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Old 03-30-2018, 07:43 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
12,387 posts, read 16,647,534 times
Reputation: 20589

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You don't mention her mother and I'm assuming that her mom allows all of this to happen while she is with her as well . Yes you have a major problem on your hands with step daughter and fiancé , It seems like no one except for you wants to deal with this child . You know that she will just become a bigger problem . Sounds like everyone is used to her acting like this and therefore letting her or allowing her to act this way . First thing she would not have a cell phone until she had better behavior and she would not be allowed on trips or going to restaraunts until she learned how to behave . There is no excuse for this behavior at all including the adhd and aspergers . I have seen very well behaved kids and teens with these same issues and I do contribute it to the parents making them behave . If I were you I would be very leery of marrying into this hot mess and no one seems to want to correct or improve said mess . My advice to you walk away you have enough to deal with , with your own kids . Good luck to you whatever you decide to do .
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Old 03-30-2018, 07:50 AM
 
4,836 posts, read 2,780,067 times
Reputation: 11709
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
It is amazing what aging single women will put up with for a relationship of some kind.

Being alone is far superior to contorting yourself to fit in with and fix some man's complicated life.

I agree. And in this case, your own kids will also have to put up with it. Doesn't seem very wise.
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Old 03-30-2018, 08:21 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
23,169 posts, read 56,866,003 times
Reputation: 23751
This is just a spoiled child. She sounds like every other spoiled 12 year old.

Asperger's and ADD or ADHD are not excuses for bad behavior. It should not be tolerated.

Take her camping. (Not alone, bring Mom or whomever will go).

Get therapy.

Discuss discipline with your wife.

Get the book https://play.google.com/store/books/...Fc5qAQodpK0GMQ

It does not have all the answers no book does, but it can give you some ideas.

If you do not put your foot down (and mom too) she will never respect you.

When our twins were about 12, they became very disrespectful to Mom, refused to lean up their room, do laundry etc. We removed everything from their room. Everything, light fixtures, mattresses, beds furniture clothing, personal stuff. They had to sleep on the bare floor with no light, no pillow, no blanket, and earn each thing back on at a time. We did not make it hard to earn back essentials, just show some respect. Other things were harder to earn back. We never had any trouble with them again.

Any human child can understand the concept of earning what they want whether it be things or privileges. Even a dog or a bird can learn that. Mental disorders are no excuse or exception.

A 12 year old does not need a phone. Take it way permanently until she earns it back.
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Old 03-30-2018, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
9,468 posts, read 2,570,110 times
Reputation: 10618
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivace70 View Post
I appreciate the advice. I told him yesterday we needed to sit down without distractions and have a long talk about expectations for all the kids so we were on the same page. Family counseling would put it in a more objective environment, and then I also wouldn't be "the bad guy". We will have to look into somewhere good that we can also afford. Thanks so much!


This sounds good!


I also have a 12 yr old daughter and if she acted like that I'd take away all her devices. That's probably not going to change anything, but it's a start. I would also have a sit down conversation with the 3 of you and explain that her behavior is unacceptable and outline what you expect out of her. Give her chores to do and maybe even sign her up for volunteer work. Don't allow her to do things with friends until her behavior changes! She needs to know that she needs to respect her elders or there will be consequences. Counseling would also be good here. She may be acting out do to the changes that are happening in the family.


Is she also having problems at school as well?
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Old 03-30-2018, 08:50 AM
 
Location: The North Fork of Eastern Long Island, New York
77 posts, read 17,518 times
Reputation: 291
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivace70 View Post
Her father works long hours, so when he is home he is tired and doesn't want to deal with it. He just lets her stay on the computer all day. If we are out in public, he doesn't want to deal with it for fear of causing a bigger scene.
Forgive me but I just do not understand how anyone would consider spending and sharing their life with a man who lacks both courage and a spine.
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Old 03-30-2018, 09:03 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
12,387 posts, read 16,647,534 times
Reputation: 20589
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
This is just a spoiled child. She sounds like every other spoiled 12 year old.

Asperger's and ADD or ADHD are not excuses for bad behavior. It should not be tolerated.

Take her camping. (Not alone, bring Mom or whomever will go).

Get therapy.

Discuss discipline with your wife.

Get the book https://play.google.com/store/books/...Fc5qAQodpK0GMQ

It does not have all the answers no book does, but it can give you some ideas.

If you do not put your foot down (and mom too) she will never respect you.

When our twins were about 12, they became very disrespectful to Mom, refused to lean up their room, do laundry etc. We removed everything from their room. Everything, light fixtures, mattresses, beds furniture clothing, personal stuff. They had to sleep on the bare floor with no light, no pillow, no blanket, and earn each thing back on at a time. We did not make it hard to earn back essentials, just show some respect. Other things were harder to earn back. We never had any trouble with them again.

Any human child can understand the concept of earning what they want whether it be things or privileges. Even a dog or a bird can learn that. Mental disorders are no excuse or exception.

A 12 year old does not need a phone. Take it way permanently until she earns it back.


yeah I would not suggest making her sleep on the floor . I stripped my sons room once and he told someone at school and a teacher overheard and she had the principal call someone and next thing I knew cps was at my door wanting to know why my son is sleeping on a bare floor . The case worker told me nope cant do that they have to have a mattress and a blanket and bare essentials . such as mattress , blanket and lights and clothing . She told me if I persisted in this kind of parenting they would remove my son from my care and home and let me tell you they were serious . And I do know they lie in court on people because their supervisors tell them too if they want to keep their job .
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Old 03-30-2018, 09:11 AM
 
4,074 posts, read 1,540,461 times
Reputation: 11817
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
yeah I would not suggest making her sleep on the floor . I stripped my sons room once and he told someone at school and a teacher overheard and she had the principal call someone and next thing I knew cps was at my door wanting to know why my son is sleeping on a bare floor . The case worker told me nope cant do that they have to have a mattress and a blanket and bare essentials . such as mattress , blanket and lights and clothing . She told me if I persisted in this kind of parenting they would remove my son from my care and home and let me tell you they were serious . And I do know they lie in court on people because their supervisors tell them too if they want to keep their job .
I was going to post this exact warning, but you beat me to it, from the perspective of experience.

yeah, nope. You can't make a child sleep on a bare floor in the US. Thank God.
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Old 03-30-2018, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
23,169 posts, read 56,866,003 times
Reputation: 23751
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I was going to post this exact warning, but you beat me to it, from the perspective of experience.

yeah, nope. You can't make a child sleep on a bare floor in the US. Thank God.
Yes you can. And they learn from it and grow into better people. This kind of attitude is what is creating the spoiled brats like the 12 year old described above.

There is no law written that says a child must have a mattress and/or a bed. In fact there are hundreds of thousands of children sleeping on the floor right now.

While engendering the health of a child is prohibited, that does not give you the ability to impose your ideas of what a parent should do on others, what furniture a child should be required to use or not use, what toys or electronics must be made available, and does not allow you to require everyone produce rotten spoiled mental cases with no respect for anyone or anything. Not even in the Socialist Republic of California have they gone that far, and they couldn't. CPS could spend every day all day rounding up all the parents of kids who sleep on the floor in California and never make a dent. There are more children sleeping on the floor in California than anywhere.
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Old 03-30-2018, 09:37 AM
 
536 posts, read 194,510 times
Reputation: 2105
Let me say, you're an absolute saint because I would've ran for the hills five minutes after meeting that brat. Hopefully you won't have to spend too much time with her.
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Old 03-30-2018, 10:00 AM
Status: "ride into the sun" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
16,871 posts, read 20,640,269 times
Reputation: 40840
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivace70 View Post
My fiance has a 12 yo daughter who talks back or argues every time you say something to her. She is extremely disrespectful and frequently calls her dad stupid. She interrupts adults talking, whines and complains if she doesn't get her way, and screeches every morning when she is woken up. We just went to DC together on a much-anticipated spring break. She complained loudly (even after a clear instruction of expectations was given) because she was cold and tired, and it was snowing. This went on the whole time her Grandpa, a Vietnam Vet, was seeing the Vietnam Memorial for the first time. If she doesn't have her nose in her phone or computer, she doesn't know how to survive. She ignores rules and doesn't care if she gets caught. In the hotel room one night, we told her several times to turn off her phone. She waited a while, then continued to text under the blanket. When I pried it away, she said "What!" "At least charge it for me if you're going to take it." I hid it, and for the next hour she came over and fumbled around by my nightstand four different times trying to find her phone. My fiance thinks she doesn't have much behavior issues since she is ADHD and Asberger, but she is able to behave at school and church, so I feel she is capable of also behaving well at home. She lies, yells at anyone trying to talk to her (including grandparents) and is constantly putting us in danger of being kicked out of hotels or restaurants. Her behavior gets me upset the first 15 minutes into being around her. Am I overreacting to this behavior?
Not over-reacting. My advice? RUN!
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