U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:16 AM
 
Location: Greater LA area
14,900 posts, read 10,649,302 times
Reputation: 27990

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
This is just a spoiled child. She sounds like every other spoiled 12 year old.

Asperger's and ADD or ADHD are not excuses for bad behavior. It should not be tolerated.



Discuss discipline with your wife.

Get the book https://play.google.com/store/books/...Fc5qAQodpK0GMQ

It does not have all the answers no book does, but it can give you some ideas.

If you do not put your foot down (and mom too) she will never respect you.

When our twins were about 12, they became very disrespectful to Mom, refused to lean up their room, do laundry etc. We removed everything from their room. Everything, light fixtures, mattresses, beds furniture clothing, personal stuff. They had to sleep on the bare floor with no light, no pillow, no blanket, and earn each thing back on at a time. We did not make it hard to earn back essentials, just show some respect. Other things were harder to earn back. We never had any trouble with them again.

Any human child can understand the concept of earning what they want whether it be things or privileges. Even a dog or a bird can learn that. Mental disorders are no excuse or exception.

A 12 year old does not need a phone. Take it way permanently until she earns it back.
This sounds great. However, I think the main problem is the dad. He is not on board with disciplining the girl because "HE IS TOO TIRED." OP cannot just start disciplining a kid who isn't hers.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:18 AM
 
7,887 posts, read 6,801,896 times
Reputation: 17010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
Yes you can. And they learn from it and grow into better people. This kind of attitude is what is creating the spoiled brats like the 12 year old described above.

There is no law written that says a child must have a mattress and/or a bed. In fact there are hundreds of thousands of children sleeping on the floor right now.

While engendering the health of a child is prohibited, that does not give you the ability to impose your ideas of what a parent should do on others, what furniture a child should be required to use or not use, what toys or electronics must be made available, and does not allow you to require everyone produce rotten spoiled mental cases with no respect for anyone or anything. Not even in the Socialist Republic of California have they gone that far, and they couldn't. CPS could spend every day all day rounding up all the parents of kids who sleep on the floor in California and never make a dent. There are more children sleeping on the floor in California than anywhere.
Here is a woman, that has no idea of what she is talking about, when dealing with a child with the mental problems this 12 year old child has. She has no idea, of what the mental problems are, and how to work with such a child.

It appears that she and a lot of other posters have no idea of the medical based problems that this child has. They think you can be strict, like you can with a normal child, and she will snap into shape. They think extreme measures such as sleeping on the floor, etc., will solve the problem.

They know absolutely nothing about the problem children with the problems she has, and the problem of trying to treat them as a normal child and expect that will solve the problems. Not going to happen.

They don't understand how these children are different than normal children, and the problems they face in life. They don't realize that normal punishment for bad behavior, does not work with children with the problems this child has.

I do, as I have a grandson with these same problems. In school, he could see a odd shaped cloud passing by the school, and would get up from his desk and go to the window to watch it, having no idea of his being in school and this is not acceptable. The thing is, he is a very intelligent person, but his ability to stay focused is a major problem. He too, will bury himself in a computer.

He does not do a lot of things because he is not going to listen to parents, etc., and do exactly what they say. He does them because he is distracted from the other things, due to his mental health problem. The same as this young girl is effected and acts, when the OP talks about her.

The father has finally accepted that he cannot change his daughter and get her to act as a normal 12 year old, and is finally just going with the flow. The OP has to understand, that the father cannot change the girl to the degree that she wants her changed. And having a child with the same mental problem, does not mean that the two children will react the same. It depends on the severity of the problem, and if they are on different levels they will not act and react the same.

It is a difficult thing to live with and work with a child with the problem severity of the problem this child apparently has. They don't act and react as a normal child does, as I have observed for years with my grandson who will be a senior in high school next year (a junior now). Last summer he spent a week with us. I offered to pay him $15 an hour to do some work around the home and gave him a budget of $300 to do it, such as mow the acre of lawn with our tractor mower. I trained him how to do the job. He worked about 20 minutes on the tractor and got distracted and wanting to get back to his lap top, and walked off leaving the tractor in the yard and went in to the computer. When I asked him where the tractor was, he had no idea as he forgot he was mowing the lawn. It is a good thing, the tractor shuts off if no one is in the drivers seat as a safety factor, so he just did not leave it running. Last work he did. When he was ready to leave, I gave him $10 for his work and at first he had forgotten he had worked and was going to work for money while he was here. Other things had just distracted him, from work and he forgot he could earn money.

That young girl, sounds typical of someone with the mental problems she has. She is not being unreasonable and hard to handle. She sees the world different than people without the problem. It is very difficult for children like her, as she sees the world different than the average younger person.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Arkansas
3,833 posts, read 1,301,357 times
Reputation: 8273
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldtrader View Post
Here is a woman, that has no idea of what she is talking about, when dealing with a child with the mental problems this 12 year old child has. She has no idea, of what the mental problems are, and how to work with such a child.

It appears that she and a lot of other posters have no idea of the medical based problems that this child has. They think you can be strict, like you can with a normal child, and she will snap into shape. They think extreme measures such as sleeping on the floor, etc., will solve the problem.

They know absolutely nothing about the problem children with the problems she has, and the problem of trying to treat them as a normal child and expect that will solve the problems. Not going to happen.
.
Many people over the age of 50, in particular, don't believe in special needs diagnoses such as ADHD, autism spectrum, Asperger's, Oppositional Defiant disorder. They simply think it's "just bad behavior". I'm not trying to point the finger here and I happen to be an older person myself, but the fact is, most of my relatives who are elderly believe that ADHD is a fake, made-up disorder to excuse poor behavior and that we just need to "spank" our kid. There is a generational difference going on here on this forum. People past a certain age have different beliefs. However, these disorders are very real and some of them were recognized long before there were medications to deal with them; so they weren't invented in order to sell drugs.


Also, there are many posters here who post on the parenting board, who have no children at all. So that is why we're getting that "he's just a bad kid" perspective - they have zero parenting experience. The parenting experience just isn't there.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Arkansas
3,833 posts, read 1,301,357 times
Reputation: 8273
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
This sounds great. However, I think the main problem is the dad. He is not on board with disciplining the girl because "HE IS TOO TIRED." OP cannot just start disciplining a kid who isn't hers.
Which is why I would reconsider marriage. If she attempts to exert her opinion anywhere she's going to hear something like "you're not the real mom".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:31 AM
 
Location: Greater LA area
14,900 posts, read 10,649,302 times
Reputation: 27990
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Which is why I would reconsider marriage. If she attempts to exert her opinion anywhere she's going to hear something like "you're not the real mom".
of course, she is absolutely powerless. The only power OP has, is not to marry him. But why would you want to marry a guy who is too lazy to parent his child anyway? I would probably lose respect for a person whose child yells at him and he does nothing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Greater LA area
14,900 posts, read 10,649,302 times
Reputation: 27990
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Many people over the age of 50, in particular, don't believe in special needs diagnoses such as ADHD, autism spectrum, Asperger's, Oppositional Defiant disorder. They simply think it's "just bad behavior". I'm not trying to point the finger here and I happen to be an older person myself, but the fact is, most of my relatives who are elderly believe that ADHD is a fake, made-up disorder to excuse poor behavior and that we just need to "spank" our kid. There is a generational difference going on here on this forum. People past a certain age have different beliefs. However, these disorders are very real and some of them were recognized long before there were medications to deal with them; so they weren't invented in order to sell drugs.


Also, there are many posters here who post on the parenting board, who have no children at all. So that is why we're getting that "he's just a bad kid" perspective - they have zero parenting experience. The parenting experience just isn't there.
I have no children but I was a child myself and I know what my parents did wrong and what they could have done better. And I know that texting all the way through dinner and talking back to adults is not the kids fault - it is a lack of setting basic rules and respect by the parents. ADD doesn't make you text during dinner. This is not rocket science. And every parent knows this deep down but they are too tired, too lazy, too lenient, too overworked, too busy with other stuff and they like the ADD excuse because they think they are off the hook with parenting.


I don't think ADD is a fake disorder. But I think that most parents work full time and when they come home, they are understandably tired and don't want to be the bad guy disciplining or are just too tired. The little time they have with their kids, they want to be liked by them, so they don't really parent - they are more like friends.


The people who deal with the kids during the day don't have the authority to be strict (enough). Back in the day when only one parent worked (usually the dad), mom was watching the kid and could set it straight right the moment unruly behavior was at its beginning. This doesn't happen anymore.
I think it is a product of modern society. No one really feels responsible to be strict and teachers/mentors/tutors/babysitters don't have the authority.


I am 41 and when I grew up, there were about 2 unruly kids in my grade, those were diagnosed with ADD and the parents were called in periodically. They got extra homework for disbheving, or maybe a spank on the butt from their parents and this was the end of it for a while and then over time it went away when they grew out of it. There was no special allowance for anyone to behave poorly. The fidgety kids had to sit in the front row to be under close watch, so they cannot just slack off.


When I was celebrating my birthday and invited an unruly child, it got taken home early and never invited again. When it realized that most kids aren't inviting it anymore, guess what - it stopped being annoying.


If you do not get your child under control, you are creating an entitled feeling monster.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:48 AM
 
7,131 posts, read 12,161,114 times
Reputation: 8230
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldtrader View Post
Here is a woman, that has no idea of what she is talking about, when dealing with a child with the mental problems this 12 year old child has. She has no idea, of what the mental problems are, and how to work with such a child.

It appears that she and a lot of other posters have no idea of the medical based problems that this child has. They think you can be strict, like you can with a normal child, and she will snap into shape. They think extreme measures such as sleeping on the floor, etc., will solve the problem.

They know absolutely nothing about the problem children with the problems she has, and the problem of trying to treat them as a normal child and expect that will solve the problems. Not going to happen.
The OP has her own child with the same thing as this kid. To say she has no idea of what's she getting into is not fair and wrong. As it is, she's seeing a very particular BIG problem: The dad. Lots of posters addressed that as well.

Quote:
That young girl, sounds typical of someone with the mental problems she has. She is not being unreasonable and hard to handle. She sees the world different than people without the problem. It is very difficult for children like her, as she sees the world different than the average younger person.
"Not being unreasonable"? She's subverting. And the dad is not on the case to deal it. If that is "acceptance" on the dad's part, then it needs to be pointed out to the OP that these issues are going to extremely problematic. Already it takes 15 mins for the OP get upset, and she's in a powerless position to do something about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
23,169 posts, read 56,878,994 times
Reputation: 23756
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Many people over the age of 50, in particular, don't believe in special needs diagnoses such as ADHD, autism spectrum, Asperger's, Oppositional Defiant disorder. They simply think it's "just bad behavior". I'm not trying to point the finger here and I happen to be an older person myself, but the fact is, most of my relatives who are elderly believe that ADHD is a fake, made-up disorder to excuse poor behavior and that we just need to "spank" our kid. There is a generational difference going on here on this forum. People past a certain age have different beliefs. However, these disorders are very real and some of them were recognized long before there were medications to deal with them; so they weren't invented in order to sell drugs.


Also, there are many posters here who post on the parenting board, who have no children at all. So that is why we're getting that "he's just a bad kid" perspective - they have zero parenting experience. The parenting experience just isn't there.
Then there are the people who make assumptions to make their personal worldview continue to work without actually knowing anything about the people they are discussing.

It is entirely possible the assumed she is a he. It is also entirely possible they successfully raised five children three with ADHD, one with ODD and several other disorders (as a result of he being killed and revived during surgery as a baby). It may be said person is aware that too many parents coddle diagnosed kids and do not even hold them to the same standards the wold hold a pet to thinking they are somehow helping the poor child who is incapable of learning basic behavior- and are completely wrong and would be doing said children a disservice or even arguably mistreating them. Perhaps said person has seen dozens of examples of said diagnosed children raised in this coddled manner and the disastrous results that ensue. Also perhaps one of said persons said children is a published developmental psychology college professor a few months away form a PhD and who certainly knows more about child development than anyone posting here.

But then maybe not. Maybe your unwarranted assumptions based only on the air coming from your bottom at completely and totally accurate. Sure they must be. Otherwise you might have to consider all of your prejudgments, assumptions and worldviews to be incorrect.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
23,169 posts, read 56,878,994 times
Reputation: 23756
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
If by "better people", you mean children who will not express the disrespect they are feeling, and will do laundry when requested, yes, they turn into "better people".

It makes for a person who is silently fantasizing taking revenge on you, and will likely take revenge on someone weaker than themselves when given the chance. Ya gotta wonder how things got to such a state in the family that parents had to seek such a drastic solution. And no, it wasn't by making a child feel loved and important and welcome and cared for.

And now, I'm out of here for Easter weekend. Going camping with my extended family and grown kids. ;D

Happy Easter everyone.
Do not allow your kids to sleep on the ground! You must bring them mattresses to sleep on. Otherwise other posters where will call CPS and demand your children be taken from you. (It does not matte whether they a re grown. Not to these posters. You must coddle children for all eternity)

By better people I mean kids who are respectful of others. Who were not raised to believe the world revolves around them. Who understand that sometimes is it important to have and follow basic rules of civility and decorum in order for more than one person to function together in a household, who have an appropriate filter and know when it is appropriate to express disrespect or anything else and when it is not, and who also realize the childish disrespect is just that - childish and generally unfounded, who are able to adapt to different situations and shrug off and deal with adversity rather than throwing themselves on the floor in a screaming fit, who will be appreciated by any employers in any job or field they are qualified for becasue they have a good work ethic, are team players and respect and get long with co-workers and also understand the necessity of some people having authority over others. Probably some other things too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2018, 12:00 PM
 
536 posts, read 195,270 times
Reputation: 2105
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
OP, lots of single dads out there are looking for a new wife to be "babysitter" to their kid. With a child who has special needs and/or bad behavior, the need becomes even greater. You might question whether it's you he really wants, or your childcare services.
Excellent point. I had a friend who found herself in that situation. Dated a guy with a six year-old son, who he had on weekends. At first it was fun to do the cutesy family stuff, but gradually my friend realized she was spending more and more time babysitting so the Dad could do stuff with friends and spend Sundays watching football. Needless to say, once she became hip to the game, she ended it pretty quickly. If I was the OP the last thing I'd want to do is to spend the next six years hearing "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother!!!" from a disrespectful kid. Especially if I already had my own kids to raise.

Last edited by SparklesNShine; 03-30-2018 at 12:21 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top