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Old 03-30-2018, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,445 posts, read 24,230,718 times
Reputation: 24763

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Seriously, your life is going to be hell on wheels if you marry this man. HE needs to get this child under control. Something like a military school might be appropriate. And I see all sorts or serious trouble ahead. And as soon as your kids become part of the family, they will start acting out too. After all if his kid can do it, so can they!
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Old 03-30-2018, 06:20 PM
 
7,241 posts, read 12,661,515 times
Reputation: 8518
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict View Post
First of all, the OP’s child does not have the *same* thing as this kid. It is called Autism Spectrum Disorder because it is a spectrum and the term Asperger’s is no longer used. Just because her child has X and Y symptoms doesn’t mean that her boyfriend’s daughter can and will act the same way, particularly when taken out of her routine on a vacation. Presumably, the OP also doesn’t know what sort of treatment the daughter has already undergone and how far she has come. I have one friend who has a daughter with significant behavioral issues and while it isn’t ASD (she does have ADHD and OCD), she’s spent quite a bit of time in therapy, is on medication, etc. It’s not due to a lack of trying when the daughter acts out.
That is not what I was saying. The OP said one of her daughter also has ADHD/Aspergers. What I was saying to that particular poster was that I'm sure she's more aware than s/he was being credited. Saying she has "no idea" is not accurate. The OP did list some of the things that was done with her fiancé's daughter's development. It points out that the father isn't really consistent and looking for the "easy" way.
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Old 03-30-2018, 08:55 PM
 
371 posts, read 158,371 times
Reputation: 635
Quote:
When I pried it away, she said "What!"
You actually got physical with her grabbing her phone away??
What were you doing going in this trip with her father and her grandfather, anyhow?
You don't even seem to like her.
You need to back off. She is not your daughter.
Do not order her around.
Do not
get physical with her stealing her property keep your hands to yourself!
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Old 03-30-2018, 09:11 PM
Status: "Pit bulls have killed 22 people this year. BSL NOW!" (set 3 days ago)
 
1,150 posts, read 327,172 times
Reputation: 2977
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItIsWritten. View Post
You actually got physical with her grabbing her phone away??
What were you doing going in this trip with her father and her grandfather, anyhow?
You don't even seem to like her.
You need to back off. She is not your daughter.
Do not order her around.
Do not
get physical with her stealing her property keep your hands to yourself!
OP - this demonstrates nicely why your life will be hell with this man.
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Old 03-31-2018, 06:44 AM
 
1,458 posts, read 515,171 times
Reputation: 4812
Quote:
Originally Posted by OttoR View Post
I would be NOPING right out there immediately unless he makes some very fast, visible changes to his parenting style. Kids are a primary reason for second marriage fails. I have a son with high functioning Asperger's and ADHD and he still as always been expected to behave appropriately and have good manners to the extent he is able. He is an adult now but now, and as a kid, everyone thought of him as bright and very well mannered (although he could and can sometimes be painfully honest, missing social cues, and hurt feelings unintentionally). He (all my kids) was raised with very clear and fair expectations for behavior and prompt, predictable consequences for bad behavior. This is not Asperger's/ADHD, this is spoiled brat behavior. This will constantly be a bone of contention in your marriage and will create issues when your children see her misbehaving in ways that they are not allowed. If he doesn't want to step up and take responsibility for parenting his child, this marriage is doomed and frankly, I wouldn't even go there.
Thank you. This expresses my own feeling that this is “spoiled brat behavior.”
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Old 03-31-2018, 08:09 AM
 
1,937 posts, read 1,162,340 times
Reputation: 9180
Something that came to mind when reading all the ADD/Autism vs. Spoiled Brat thing. It is absolutely possible for a kid to be both at the same time.

I hate it when parents of disabled/disordered kids use that as an excuse. I have an autistic son, and it forces me to be MORE stringent and proactive and responsive with my parenting than with my "normal" son. There is no excuse. He's 19 and still exhibits behaviors caused by his autism (of course), but it's my job to be constantly on top of them and deal with them and try to guide him to more acceptable behaviors ALWAYS. Even when I'm tired, feel like doing something else, or want a break. At home, in public, on a trip, everywhere. Parents who make excuses instead of effort with their children tick me off.
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Old 03-31-2018, 08:54 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,503,366 times
Reputation: 23714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk View Post
Something that came to mind when reading all the ADD/Autism vs. Spoiled Brat thing. It is absolutely possible for a kid to be both at the same time.

I hate it when parents of disabled/disordered kids use that as an excuse. I have an autistic son, and it forces me to be MORE stringent and proactive and responsive with my parenting than with my "normal" son. There is no excuse. He's 19 and still exhibits behaviors caused by his autism (of course), but it's my job to be constantly on top of them and deal with them and try to guide him to more acceptable behaviors ALWAYS. Even when I'm tired, feel like doing something else, or want a break. At home, in public, on a trip, everywhere. Parents who make excuses instead of effort with their children tick me off.
I get that too. But in some cases the parents really aren't capable of managing the behaviors. And as we both must know, accessing training and help can be quite a challenge too. I tend to think most parents are doing the best with what they have (including into that, their own cognitive capabilities). And we also know, not ever developmentally challenged child is alike.

As for the OP...if its this bad now, don't get married. It doesn't sound like its going to get any better.
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Old 03-31-2018, 09:07 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,622 posts, read 42,779,610 times
Reputation: 57330
This child has not been taught to be respectful, so there is no reason to think anything will change.
If I were in your position, I would not marry into this family until the kids are out of the nest.
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Old 03-31-2018, 09:47 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,301 posts, read 15,063,243 times
Reputation: 20875
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
I agree. And in this case, your own kids will also have to put up with it. Doesn't seem very wise.
Totally agree. I would not insert my own children into this chaotic situation. No way.
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Old 03-31-2018, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Texas
6,565 posts, read 2,377,384 times
Reputation: 14033
I don't see why it's wrong to take a kid's phone away.


If the OP shouldn't have any disciplinary involvement with the 12 year old, then she should refuse to marry the father. Let him find some other woman to put up with all his baggage.
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