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Old 03-29-2018, 10:14 PM
 
12 posts, read 8,194 times
Reputation: 96

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My fiance has a 12 yo daughter who talks back or argues every time you say something to her. She is extremely disrespectful and frequently calls her dad stupid. She interrupts adults talking, whines and complains if she doesn't get her way, and screeches every morning when she is woken up. We just went to DC together on a much-anticipated spring break. She complained loudly (even after a clear instruction of expectations was given) because she was cold and tired, and it was snowing. This went on the whole time her Grandpa, a Vietnam Vet, was seeing the Vietnam Memorial for the first time. If she doesn't have her nose in her phone or computer, she doesn't know how to survive. She ignores rules and doesn't care if she gets caught. In the hotel room one night, we told her several times to turn off her phone. She waited a while, then continued to text under the blanket. When I pried it away, she said "What!" "At least charge it for me if you're going to take it." I hid it, and for the next hour she came over and fumbled around by my nightstand four different times trying to find her phone. My fiance thinks she doesn't have much behavior issues since she is ADHD and Asberger, but she is able to behave at school and church, so I feel she is capable of also behaving well at home. She lies, yells at anyone trying to talk to her (including grandparents) and is constantly putting us in danger of being kicked out of hotels or restaurants. Her behavior gets me upset the first 15 minutes into being around her. Am I overreacting to this behavior?
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Old 03-29-2018, 10:31 PM
 
1,103 posts, read 375,894 times
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Why has your fiancé allowed this behavior?

No, you are not over-reacting, IMHO, if she is as bad as it seems. He is lucky you haven’t bolted yet.
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Old 03-30-2018, 01:25 AM
 
515 posts, read 498,287 times
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Do you have kids? If you are going to marry this person, you need to get in with a family therapist to get things off on the right foot. ADHD and Asbergers can mean some challenging behavior at times. He is always going to be her father, so together you have to figure out how you fit into their existing equation.

Most kids will complain about being cold and tired at some point if it’s snowing, especially if they’re bored.

Many kids can hold it together for school but lose it once they get home. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect good behavior there, but it’s not uncommon for kids to behave poorly at home after they’ve had to hold it together somewhere else, especially with ADHD etc.

Many kids with ADHD and Asbergers use video games/being online to cope and self regulate in a world that they can struggle to navigate. If you want to get to know her better, play some video games or watch some you tube with her. You’ll be surprised what you learn. Your best tool for changing her behavior is developing a relationship with her.

I wouldn’t take her to hotels or restaurants unless you really have to. Probably too stimulating and not overly interesting for a 12 year old, which then means that it’s no fun for anyone and everyone leaves upset.

It’s tough, you will have some kind of parenting role, especially if she lives with you, but you are not her parent. It’s going to take time and attention from everyone to make it work. You have to talk about it.
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Old 03-30-2018, 05:24 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,831 posts, read 35,594,043 times
Reputation: 69090
You are not overreacting. If she has been diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers, her doctor should be able to refer you to a behavioral program in your area that the family can participate in together.

If you truly are planning to marry this man, you will be in a step-parent role, and the next several years will be hell for you if you both don't get a hold of this now.

I am not sure of the context of his divorce and how it went, but he and his ex have obviously missed some chances along the way to set good limits with her. It's time to play catch-up. Get him to ask her doc next week for a recommendation on family counseling ASAP.
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Old 03-30-2018, 05:27 AM
 
12 posts, read 8,194 times
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Yes, I have two daughters who are about her age. One of them also has ADHD and Asberger's. I understand all about holding it together at school and needing down time. But her behavior is the same on non school days. She argues every time. She talks back constantly. That is learned behavior due to no consequences or consistency. Her father works long hours, so when he is home he is tired and doesn't want to deal with it. He just lets her stay on the computer all day. If we are out in public, he doesn't want to deal with it for fear of causing a bigger scene. Then he forgets to deal with it later. He tried some state based counseling, and she was not cooperative with them when they tried to outline acceptable behavior and also helping a little around the house. Many relatives have tried talking to him but he just doesn't think it is a problem. She lied about me and admitted it later, with no consequences. She stays up til 12 or 1 am on school nights on her computer with no consequences. He did try turning Wi-Fi off at night but she sneaks in his room to turn the hot spot on his phone on. Now she has her own unlimited phone plan with a hot spot! She can be sweet, but much of the time it is not pleasant to be around her (mornings she screams for 10 - 30 min or more because she was woke up, even if it is 10:00), nights she tells if she is asked to get off computer and go to bed. During the day, she has bad attitude and makes sure everyone suffers if we try to go somewhere or do something as a family. She does like a few things that take her away from computer, so when we do that she is okay after the wake up screaming fit.
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Old 03-30-2018, 05:34 AM
 
12 posts, read 8,194 times
Reputation: 96
I appreciate the advice. I told him yesterday we needed to sit down without distractions and have a long talk about expectations for all the kids so we were on the same page. Family counseling would put it in a more objective environment, and then I also wouldn't be "the bad guy". We will have to look into somewhere good that we can also afford. Thanks so much!
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Old 03-30-2018, 05:36 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
36,831 posts, read 35,594,043 times
Reputation: 69090
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivace70 View Post

Her father works long hours, so when he is home he is tired and doesn't want to deal with it. He just lets her stay on the computer all day. If we are out in public, he doesn't want to deal with it for fear of causing a bigger scene. Then he forgets to deal with it later.

Many relatives have tried talking to him but he just doesn't think it is a problem.
How long have you dated him?

I hope you understand that at some point, this ^^^ will be his attitude toward you as well.

Counseling could help, but ONLY if he is completely committed and on board. I have serious concerns about your going forward with this relationship if this is how he approaches problems. He has a crisis on his hands, and he probably is going to put YOU in charge of it once you are married and living together.

Red flags abound here. When is your wedding???
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Old 03-30-2018, 07:29 AM
 
3,147 posts, read 3,074,965 times
Reputation: 7734
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vivace70 View Post
My fiance has a 12 yo daughter who talks back or argues every time you say something to her. She is extremely disrespectful and frequently calls her dad stupid. She interrupts adults talking, whines and complains if she doesn't get her way, and screeches every morning when she is woken up. We just went to DC together on a much-anticipated spring break. She complained loudly (even after a clear instruction of expectations was given) because she was cold and tired, and it was snowing. This went on the whole time her Grandpa, a Vietnam Vet, was seeing the Vietnam Memorial for the first time. If she doesn't have her nose in her phone or computer, she doesn't know how to survive. She ignores rules and doesn't care if she gets caught. In the hotel room one night, we told her several times to turn off her phone. She waited a while, then continued to text under the blanket. When I pried it away, she said "What!" "At least charge it for me if you're going to take it." I hid it, and for the next hour she came over and fumbled around by my nightstand four different times trying to find her phone. My fiance thinks she doesn't have much behavior issues since she is ADHD and Asberger, but she is able to behave at school and church, so I feel she is capable of also behaving well at home. She lies, yells at anyone trying to talk to her (including grandparents) and is constantly putting us in danger of being kicked out of hotels or restaurants. Her behavior gets me upset the first 15 minutes into being around her. Am I overreacting to this behavior?
What are your expectations of the relationship? Do you want to have children with this man? Do you just want dates, some overnights, some vacations together? Does the girl visit her mother?

If you want marriage now, and children soon, move on. The biggest reason that subsequent marriages fail is the children from the previous marriage.

If what you want is not marriage and children, and the girl goes to her mother some, then continue to see him, but minimize your contact with the girl - and when you do have to be with her, be kind and uncritical, and do NOT be the disciplinarian. He will love you for that.

Kids with Aspergers do grow up, and their behavior usually improves with it. But it happens later for them. However, they often have problems with employment, and may have trouble "leaving the nest". She could be there for a long time to come, may not go away to college in six years. So again, you need to re-evaluate your goals in this relationship.
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Old 03-30-2018, 07:33 AM
 
3,147 posts, read 3,074,965 times
Reputation: 7734
I just read further and saw that you too have children. Don't marry this man, don't combine households, and don't take family trips together. This girl isn't going to get better for years, if ever. Unless it's the ONLY way for you to finish raising your girls, keep your own household and just see this man alone. You are going to make your kids absolutely miserable, having to live with this girl. And if this is how you feel about this girl now, imagine how you will feel when you're living with her!
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Old 03-30-2018, 07:37 AM
 
14,984 posts, read 12,733,275 times
Reputation: 32716
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
How long have you dated him?

I hope you understand that at some point, this ^^^ will be his attitude toward you as well.

Counseling could help, but ONLY if he is completely committed and on board. I have serious concerns about your going forward with this relationship if this is how he approaches problems. He has a crisis on his hands, and he probably is going to put YOU in charge of it once you are married and living together.

Red flags abound here. When is your wedding???
It is amazing what aging single women will put up with for a relationship of some kind.

Being alone is far superior to contorting yourself to fit in with and fix some man's complicated life.
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