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View Poll Results: What is the obvious main problem?
Dad 0 0%
Mom 3 12.00%
Bad parenting in general 5 20.00%
Other 17 68.00%
Voters: 25. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 04-14-2018, 01:14 PM
 
10,033 posts, read 6,154,319 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook View Post
Can't argue with this. It gives her the freedom and strength and independence she seeks that is real and authentic and much better than time spent with a counselor blowing very normal feelings out of proportion.

Horses are good for young girls. Maybe young boys too, but I'm most familiar with me, at that age.
The girl presented lacks empathy, is aggressive with peers and perhaps family, ran away from home, stole, isn't functioning in the family, has strong preference for one parent over the other to the point of being a different person with each of them, is the child of two traumatized adults.

"Blowing very normal feelings out of proportion"?

And she doesn't need talk therapy that you might get at a run of the mill counselor. She needs full neuro-psych testing, a specialized child psychologist, perhaps medication management...and even considering an intensive treatment program.

She is 8...there is time to help her. It will be slow going and a family affair.
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Old 04-14-2018, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,649 posts, read 14,951,564 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
While I am sure that some 2nd and 3rd graders "dream of running away", how many plan it out with a friend, steal a parent's credit card, pack food & clothes and then run away? I really doubt that is what you and your husband did as kids, at least not at that young age.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook View Post
You think kids can't figure out they need some food and clothes and money and pack a bag? Sure they can.

I had a whole diary and checklist of stuff I would need (this phase was probably later when I was older),
and we even thought we might steal the neighbor's horses so we could ride up into the hills. My mom's feelings were hurt when she found the diary, but she didn't decide we needed to be institutionalized. We were probably grounded for awhile.

Kids rebel against limits! Always have, and always will. That's nothing new. Freaking out and putting them into counseling for it is new.
I bet that if you asked your mother about how old you were when you made that diary and checklist you were much older than 2nd or 3rd grade.

It isn't just about the running away. The OPs daughter exhibited other serious inappropriate behaviors (such as attempting to strangle a classmate the first week of kindergarten, enjoying hurting other children, bullying, lying, not showing remorse for inappropriate behaviors, etc).
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Old 04-14-2018, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Rochester, WA
3,228 posts, read 1,663,503 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I bet that if you asked your mother about how old you were when you made that diary and checklist you were much older than 2nd or 3rd grade.

It isn't just about the running away. The OPs daughter exhibited other serious inappropriate behaviors (such as attempting to strangle a classmate the first week of kindergarten, enjoying hurting other children, bullying, lying, not showing remorse for inappropriate behaviors, etc).
Yes, I probably was for the diary part... what difference does that make. though? Kids dream about running away as a form of rebelling and resisting authority... and plenty of normal kids test all those boundaries to see what works for them and what doesn't. Children are selfish little sociopaths at times... I get it.... but they hopefully learn from experience and grow out of most of it in time, and sometimes "counseling" actually makes them worse because they get MORE attention for their selfish antisocial behaviors. I have seen that happen.

But I'm not an expert in parenting.... so.... Disregard if you wish.... and Good luck!
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Old 04-14-2018, 05:23 PM
 
29 posts, read 9,166 times
Reputation: 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by LiveAz View Post
I am in need of some serious help. For my daughter's sake. I am a 28 year old father. I try my best, but has lead my daughter to something I can't comprehend.. She ran away.

Backround (Brief)
I grew up from a dysfunctional family communication always big issue and I resent my mom for years of alcoholism. My wife grew up with no father and a lazy mother of 7(who lived off the system,slept all day, let's kids run wild and basically gave up on life). My Wife of 10 years and I had this one and only child together right after high school. Within household No verbal abuse, no physical abuse, no name calling, or anything of that nature within. Wife and I don't really ever fight, if we argue it's rarely /never nfront of daughter and tempers or valume is controlled. My role - discipline, and responsibility. Wifes role - nurture and best friends. They weren't planed roles it's what we took to. Daughter is an absolute angel when I'm around. Second she with wife, friends, at schools or anywhere I'm not.. She let's loose and is impulsive the "bad" comes out. Wife allows it if im not around and I have to correct it (discipline) or it won't happen. If I tell Wife to discipline, daughter doesn't take it seriously. Basically (how I see it) wife is a kid herself because she knows I will take care the important stuff. My daughter has never displayed fits, rage outbreaks, tantrums, pathetic crying till she gets what she wants. I had zero tolerance for any of it and she learned that at early age. If we say no it means no, she accepts it without issue. If we ask her to do chores, homework, read, or anything, she stops what she's doing and does it. We always say please and thank you to her and her to us. None of this seems to hother her or upset her and seems to be no signs of despair, frustration, resentment, or stress. She is always smiling, ready to play, happy, cheerful go lucky kid. She has always been real good at making friends but struggling to keep them because my daughter gets upset if they don't do what she says or wants.

Warning signs -
Since her first day in school she has had issues with bullying other kids, kicking, she choked one girl her first week in kindergarten(luckily only choking incident)It seems she enjoys it and happens when she doesn't get her way. She thoroughly enjoys the opportunity to show her dominance. She gets in trouble for little things quite frequently. Last year the lying and minulating started. She will lie, manipulate, and bend truth to her will (its never ever her fault and she never in the wrong). I discipline her with a talk on little things, make her read for an hour on bigger things, and write long papers on who she hurts, effects, or reason(for bigger things like bullying). I have spanked her maybe 5 times her whole life and flicked her on the head once.. I apologized to her and said I was wrong for the flicking. The spankings and physical have not happened in over a year as I feel bad, and thinks it accomplish nothing. Past 6 months the frequency of bad behavior increased (as I give more punishment she seems it never happened and tells me what I want to hear to end it asap)then she's get in trouble again and again and lies and lies without care for consequences or just acting on impulse idk?

The "holy sh@$ moment" -
She walks home with friends after school most days. Two days ago she and another friend same age (only 8!)didn't come home. Cops were called, amber alert issued, half city out looking for her, 5k fb posts shared in couple hrs.. We all assumed the worst. Luckily though She/they were found behind a toy store 5 miles away at 8pm that night. After questioning we found out.... (I'm not lying)
They planed to run away cause their parents are mean. Right after school away they went. I then discovered in daughters backpack she had swiped my credit card, packed clothes, packed food, and stole probly 15-20 items from the toy store. She, as far as I know has never stolen anything until now.

I'm scared-
She was not worried, frightened, and seemed naturaly independent? She told me, she knew people would be looking and went beind store so couldn't be found. She showed zero no remorse until the police scolded her. I'm REALLY worried she doesn't think like a child her age. 8 year kids don't plan much, yet alone finances, clothing, and food? I know she's smart but this I'm scared of. Alot of her bad behavior has been impulsive, I believe I can work with that.. This was planned, we found out, a few days in advance.

I'm lost? -
This sounds like a child from a empty family and extreme violence high stress environment. My wife is very affectionate and good loving mom, Im strict but tell her have a good day at school I love you. She tells me she loves me before leaving. I buy her toys, take her on bike rides and park time to time. She loves to cuddle up with me during movies. She gets fed well, never ever hit or abused(the 1 flick can be argued, light spankings okay maybe?) We see each other every day, hug,atleast thought we were descent parents. We live in nice clean higher end apartment, drive nice cars, financially stable. Good jobs,. We try the best we can. Sure we're not perfect, but is environment so stressful it requires planned escape.
Please help with advice, as a father I want the best for her. This is very unhealthy behaviors for a such young child. I believe she is a good kid truely, I can't put a finger on this wtf moment?

Advice please!
The way things are going is not good. Help me save this little girl/fragile soul. she deserves it and I don't care about how much morey or work it takes. I appreciate any advice or referrals to good proffesional help

Thanks for your time

She sounds super bored.

You mentioned that she has toys, rides bikes, watches movies, goes to parks, lives in a nice place, etc.
But you did not mention any extracurricular activities that she regularly participates in.

Since it seems like you can afford to put her in various extracurricular activities you should be doing that so she develops normal interests.

Most people I knew that grew up to be thieves and participate in criminal activities and stuff weren't really good at sports or anything when they were younger. They didn't participate in many extracurricular activities growing up. And even though their parents may have taken them to the park from time to time like you take your daughter they did not bring them to live shows or museums etc.

Bored kids grow up to be crooked people sometimes because they started thinking in crooked ways as kids because they were bored. So then they end up being shady adults because that's how their brain was developing when they were kids.

If she was busy thinking about this extracurricular activity or that one she wouldn't be busy thinking of ways to steal and run away, etc.


And you'd be surprised how many children's movies and TV shows have shown the main characters running away or planning too. Even Pollyanna sneaks out and runs away to the bazar.

So she probably copied something she saw on TV.

As far as her hitting/ choking someone in kindergarten, well maybe her classmate took something that belonged to her and refused to give it back. Since she is an only child she is probably unfamiliar with tattling and instead of telling the teacher that another student took something of hers she decided to take it back herself.

With out knowing her side of that there is no way to judge that situation.

If she enjoys hitting people then put her in boxing so she can hit people there.

Put her in something. The poor little girl sounds bored as fu*K.

Last edited by Sun Shine State; 04-14-2018 at 05:47 PM..
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Old 04-14-2018, 05:32 PM
 
29 posts, read 9,166 times
Reputation: 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook View Post
Can't argue with this. It gives her the freedom and strength and independence she seeks that is real and authentic and much better than time spent with a counselor blowing very normal feelings out of proportion.

Horses are good for young girls. Maybe young boys too, but I'm most familiar with me, at that age.


I knew a girl that grew up with a horse and she can't stop stealing, lying and committing crimes.

She was a criminal as a child and she is a criminal as an adult.

She will steal anything that is not bolted down.

I ran into her in the restroom of a restaurant once. She was stealing all the cleaning products from underneath the sink. (how sad, creepy and weird is that?) And anyone that was ever dumb enough to leave her unattended in their home got stolen from. And yes if she used a bathroom in someone's home she would steal from it. Lipstick, perfume, whatever was available. She was just a freak. And if people weren't paying attention she would steal their jewelry or whatever she could get.

She has been arrested numerous times for stealing etc.

She even stole a purse from an elderly lady.

Just a total piece of trash.

So I don't know how much a horse would help lol.

But you sound nice so I'm glad it worked out for you and that your horse made you happy.



Oh and to the original poster, the horse was the only "extra curricular activity" the person in my story had. Clearly it wasn't enough. And even though her parents provided her with a horse they never really took her any where or did anything with her. She had a horse but nothing else. No other hobbies or interests. So she grew up bored. And now she is a criminal and she will always be a criminal because that's how her brain was formed growing up because she was so bored as a child. Find your daughter multiple activities that she has an interest in so that she focuses on those things instead of committing crimes.

Last edited by Sun Shine State; 04-14-2018 at 06:11 PM..
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Old 04-14-2018, 06:16 PM
 
Location: Houston
20,391 posts, read 10,103,865 times
Reputation: 7966
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Oops, I missed that she was walking to and from school unsupervised. In the school districts where I live and/or taught the school would never allow an eight year old to do that (unless there was a responsible older sibling or neighbor who was "in charge" and they had signed permission from the parents of all the children involved).
That is sad. In my day we all walked home unsupervised.
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Old 04-14-2018, 06:43 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,649 posts, read 14,951,564 times
Reputation: 36081
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Oops, I missed that she was walking to and from school unsupervised. In the school districts where I live and/or taught the school would never allow an eight year old to do that (unless there was a responsible older sibling or neighbor who was "in charge" and they had signed permission from the parents of all the children involved).
Quote:
Originally Posted by whogo View Post
That is sad. In my day we all walked home unsupervised.
I assume that means that you let your children walk to and from their school, unsupervised, starting when they were in kindergarten. Right?

Because, if it was OK in 1950 or 1970 (or 1990), in wherever town you lived in, it should be OK in 2018 in everyone's town or city.
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Old 04-14-2018, 07:04 PM
 
Location: Houston
20,391 posts, read 10,103,865 times
Reputation: 7966
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I assume that means that you let your children walk to and from their school, unsupervised, starting when they were in kindergarten. Right?

Because, if it was OK in 1950 or 1970 (or 1990), in wherever town you lived in, it should be OK in 2018 in everyone's town or city.
Statistics show the nationís children are as safe today as when seven year old me escorting my six year old brother walked home in 1965.
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Old 04-14-2018, 07:11 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
15,649 posts, read 14,951,564 times
Reputation: 36081
Quote:
Originally Posted by whogo View Post
Statistics show the nation’s children are as safe today as when seven year old me escorting my six year old brother walked home in 1965.
If you feel that way then I assume that you allow your children, age six and seven, walk to and from school unsupervised. Do you? (Or more likely, did you?)
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Old 04-14-2018, 07:43 PM
 
Location: Houston
20,391 posts, read 10,103,865 times
Reputation: 7966
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
If you feel that way then I assume that you allow your children, age six and seven, walk to and from school unsupervised. Do you? (Or more likely, did you?)
I would not now. Iíd get locked up. My kid was seven our eight before he walked the two blocks to school. Usually accompanied by two or more classmates with equally irresponsible parents.
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