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Hello all and thank you for your help and advice in this matter,
Well, what can I say? Life has changed since earlier today when I found out from my sister that my 12 year old nephew was arrested for molesting my 6 year old niece. So far, what I know is that he has exposed himself in front of her and had her remove her clothing and was rubbing up against her. I have one other niece that is 8-9 yrs, and a nephew that is 5yrs. As far as we know, the 6 year old girl is the only one to have been victimized. Both girls were taken to a doctor today to determine if they had been penetrated (results indicated they were not). As of now, the 12yr old is in a juvenile detention facility until his court appearance in a few days.
I'll try to provide some background on the children and familiy...
As you may have guessed, my sister and her four children came from an abusive home. My sisters ex husband was a big time loser who was verbally and physically abusive to my sister. Finally, she had enough and left him and has had full custody of the children since (he has since fled the state to avoid paying child support). The divorce happened roughly 4 years ago.
Since about 6 or 7 years of age, the eldest (the perpetrator of the incident) has displayed negative behavior toward his siblings. Not in a physical manner although on occassion he would push or shove as kids do, but more verbally. He was always a real smart-aleck with them and enjoyed annoying them. Most of the time we would tell him to knock it off and that was that.
When this incident happened, my mother sat down with him and asked him why he did what he did to his sister and his answer was that she "made him do it". In recent times he has become increasingly hostile toward his siblings and his answer to his actions is always that they "made me do it" because of something actual or percieved.
As for the other children, they are completely and totally fine. Happy, playful and social with eachother, doing great in school, etc, while the 12 year old is the complete opposite. As of now, we don't yet know if he (the perpetrator) was molested himself, however, looking back on it I do have my suspicions as my sisters former husband hung around with some very questionable individuals and was himself, a questionable individual.
We are at a loss as to what to do right now. My sister (said childs mother) works at a crisis center for battered and abused women and children so she is seeking help there. She is a single mother of 4 and recieves aid from the state to help out so she does not have endless amounts of money to spend on a decent therapist and I am very skeptical of what the county can offer in terms of a decent therapist.
What will happen? Will my nephew ever be allowed to come home again? Should he ever come home again or will he have to live his life until adulthood in an institution? Can he be rehabilitated or is he now doomed to fail at life? If he does come home after therapy/rehab, will he re-offend? Is he a lost cause?
If anyone can help with advice or personal experiences and/or point me in the direction of resources I would be greatly appreciated.
Your juvenile offenders office should have some resources for you. They don't just arrest a 12 year old and not give the parent some guidance on where to seek help. One thing I know is your sister will need a good advocate, lawyer. Her work also should have resources available.
Since this happened only yesterday, it may take a day or two into next week before you can get some answers. Good luck
Thanks for the info, no kudzu. Right now we're all still trying to wrap our heads around all of this. I still can't believe any of this has happened. It all just seems like a bad dream and I'm hoping I wake up soon.
I have no personal experience or good advice in this matter, but I'm sorry your family is going through this. I imagine that your nephew will be forced to get the help he needs if he is ever to live at home again, so I'm guessing that social services will see to it. At 12 years old, he is not a lost cause. Sounds like he has been dealing with issues for awhile, and now he can get the help he needs. I hope the little girl gets counseling as well.
Usually, the state does NOT want to keep juvenile offenders incarcerated until they're adults. They want to help with the issues and send the child back home. I'm sure your sister will be provided with a list of services available to both the children involved. Good luck and keep us posted.
A few questions because there's a lot of things we don't know from your post.
I noticed you have used the term "we" consistently. Why? Does your sister and her family live with you? I'm also wondering why you seem more concerned about the alleged perpetrator than his victims. You have a lot of questions about how this will affect him but none about how it will affect the victims.
Why were only the nieces taken to the doctor for an exam? What about the nephew? Why wasn't he examined as well? And who are you worried about getting the therapist for?
How do you know the other kids are "completely and totally fine"? Was there a chance they were molested previously? It would be highly unusual (and against the odds) for him to get caught the very first time he supposedly did this. Which leads me to wonder who discovered him doing this. The mother? Is she the person who called the police?
I feel sorry for his siblings. It must be tremendously difficult for them right now. There weren't ANY signs that something was amiss? Going from smarting off to allegedly abusing one of his sisters is a pretty big step.
BTW: The first thing I'd do is get counseling for the victim. And I'd make sure the other siblings weren't victims at some point. You can't do much for your nephew right now since he's locked up. But I'd make sure he has an attorney representing him. That's his right. Remember, he's not guilty of anything until the legal system says he is. You're worried about him down the road but right now he's innocent in the eyes of the law. Concentrate on that before you worry about what may or may not happen to him later. It may be that you're just in shock but it sounds like you've already tried and convicted him.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 07-28-2012 at 01:09 PM..
A few questions because there's a lot of things we don't know from your post.
I noticed you have used the term "we" consistently. Why? Does your sister and her family live with you? I'm also wondering why you seem more concerned about the alleged perpetrator than his victims. You have a lot of questions about how this will affect him but none about how it will affect the victims.
Why were only the nieces taken to the doctor for an exam? What about the nephew? Why wasn't he examined as well? And who are you worried about getting the therapist for?
How do you know the other kids are "completely and totally fine"? Was there a chance they were molested previously? It would be highly unusual (and against the odds) for him to get caught the very first time he supposedly did this. Which leads me to wonder who discovered him doing this. The mother? Is she the person who called the police?
I feel sorry for his siblings. It must be tremendously difficult for them right now. There weren't ANY signs that something was amiss? Going from smarting off to allegedly abusing one of his sisters is a pretty big step.
BTW: The first thing I'd do is get counseling for the victim. And I'd make sure the other siblings weren't victims at some point. You can't do much for your nephew right now since he's locked up. But I'd make sure he has an attorney representing him. That's his right. Remember, he's not guilty of anything until the legal system says he is. You're worried about him down the road but right now he's innocent in the eyes of the law. Concentrate on that before you worry about what may or may not happen to him later. It may be that you're just in shock but it sounds like you've already tried and convicted him.
Allow me to clarify: When I say "we" it's because "we" are a family and even though we are separated by approximately 70+ miles, we are very much close knit and everyone is deeply affected by what has happened. I am very much indeed concerned about the victim, which is why, at this point, I don't believe that the perpetrator should ever come back to the home. This is why I'm worried about him, in addition to the others. The victims have loving caring parents and a family. The perpetrator will have none of that growing up in an institution if that is what is to happen... Going into an institution with a certificate in molestation and coming out as an adult with a PhD in God knows what. It's easy to hate a child molester when we see that individual on the news or read about it online/in the paper... It's quite a different story when that same predator is your own flesh and blood and not even quite out of elementary school yet.
As for the other children, all have been talked to and will be seeing a therapist as will the parents and probably myself as well. Again, we are all deeply affected by this. All I know as of now is that my niece was the victim. I've been keeping as much contact as possible and as of yet, we don't think the others were harmed, but all this could change as soon as the therapist has a chance to speak with each child. Please bare in mind, all of this happened yesterday so things are still unfolding.
The kids were "completely and totally fine" or so it appeared before yesterday. The perpatrator was caught in the act by his grandmother who notified mom at work. Mom decided to contact the police. Whether or not a court finds him guilty or not guilty is irrelevant because he was caught in the act. He is guilty.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but all this is a lot to take in right now. It's been a crappy month for me. Actually, it's been a crappy 2.5 weeks for me... First my car gets broken into then my house gets broken into, I bruise a rib in a sparring class, and now I hear of all this. Yay me.
I don't know how this will affect our family going forward. Will things ever be the same? What issues are the victims going to have in their lives now? Will they perpetrate the same offenses?
All this just seems like it's too much to handle right now.
First I want to say how sorry I am that your family is going through this.
Foremost the children (all) need counseling. Your niece and the rest of the other kids and your nephew who did this. Your nephew needs an attorney immediatly.
Honestly, I don't like calling him a perpetrator because he is young and he may have been molested himself and this is why he did this to his sister. Please don't write him off, with therapy you all may learn things you had no idea about.
Let us know what happens. It'll be interesting to know if he was abused, or where he learned how to touch someone like that...
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