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Old 04-22-2018, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Central IL
13,110 posts, read 6,940,699 times
Reputation: 30414

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ContraPagan View Post
Ear lobe piercings are universally accepted. I have 3 holes in each lobe, and it's my business that they are there. My job doesn't care, and I've been doing front-line office work for the past 28 years.
Great...but for my kid I'd say that I've paid enough for the first ones - she can wait and pay for any others herself. Just because mom buys her first 4 pairs of shoes doesn't mean she has to pay for another dozen pairs after that!
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Old 04-22-2018, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
4,775 posts, read 4,120,930 times
Reputation: 15909
I'd have a reasoned conversation with the ex, and if he can cite a reasonable reason for her not to have it, then no. If it's just because he wants to play control games, then you two might need to do some work to come together on co-parenting.

She has her whole life ahead to get as many piercings and tats as she can, but this is not the time to teach her to play one parent off the other. Next it will be she wants to go on solo dates in cars, then she wants a car of her own, etc.

As long as she thinks you two won't present a united front, she will wheedle and whine until she gets one of you to give in. You wouldn't want him to undermine your rules, so don't undermine his, but both of you should be reasonable about why you're making these decisions, explain the reasons to her and she will have to abide by the decision.
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Old 04-22-2018, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Canada
8,675 posts, read 7,694,948 times
Reputation: 17823
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
I'd have a reasoned conversation with the ex, and if he can cite a reasonable reason for her not to have it, then no. If it's just because he wants to play control games, then you two might need to do some work to come together on co-parenting.

She has her whole life ahead to get as many piercings and tats as she can, but this is not the time to teach her to play one parent off the other. Next it will be she wants to go on solo dates in cars, then she wants a car of her own, etc.

As long as she thinks you two won't present a united front, she will wheedle and whine until she gets one of you to give in. You wouldn't want him to undermine your rules, so don't undermine his, but both of you should be reasonable about why you're making these decisions, explain the reasons to her and she will have to abide by the decision.
I agree, however would you also expect the 13 year old to provide reasonable reasons for her to have third piercings?

I always hated it but parents do have the right to say no, "because I said so".
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Old 04-22-2018, 12:09 PM
 
977 posts, read 653,468 times
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We told both our kids no to tattoos and piercings. If they chose to get them as a adult fine,but as long we were responsible for them it was no. My son as a adult has thanked us for not allowing him to get a tattoo for many reasons. Our daughter got her piercing but no longer wears the ring and has let the skin grow over.
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Old 04-22-2018, 12:55 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
4,775 posts, read 4,120,930 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I agree, however would you also expect the 13 year old to provide reasonable reasons for her to have third piercings?

I always hated it but parents do have the right to say no, "because I said so".
To say "No" certainly, but the parent should have a reason other than "because I said so". The child doesn't have to agree with the reason, or even see it as reasonable, but the parent should be able to verbalize the reasons for their decision. Even if the reason is as simple as "your father and I don't think it's appropriate at this age in your life. If you still want it done, we'll revisit the decision when you're 16" (or whatever age or requirements you want to set). "Because I said so" just leads to defiance and going behind the parents' back. Been there, done that when I was a teen. And, since you asked, yes I would listen to the teen's reasons for wanting it. I think it shows respect on both sides for them to hear each other out. Often just saying the reasons out loud might make her understand how frivolous or immature they sound. It doesn't mean it will change the decision, but I think it's only fair to at least let her say her piece and listen to it before rendering a decision. She will probably still scream and slam her door after hearing "no", but life goes on and she knows the parents "heard her".

There are going to be many more decisions as she goes through her teens, around dating, cars, riding with other teens in cars, cell phone rules, computer rules, etc. and both parents need to get on the same page.
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Old 04-22-2018, 02:35 PM
 
Location: S.W. Florida
1,627 posts, read 635,792 times
Reputation: 4486
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtbikelover View Post
My 13yo daughter asked for a 3rd hole in her ears about 6 months ago. I didn't really care (it's a pick your battles thing with me) so I said sure with the agreement that she had to get her grades up. I had been looking for something to motivate her to get better grades and this just fell in my lap.

I never in a million years thought her dad (we are divorced) would have an issue with it. But he did. So I had to tell her no. She has tried talking to him and he is adamant about her not getting it.

Fast forward 6 months and she is still bringing it up but now also saying she is interested in a belly piercing and wants a tattoo. I told her when she is 16, we will talk about the belly piercing but that there is no way I will approve a tattoo. She will have to wait until she is legally able to get that on her own.

I want to go ahead and let her get the 3rd hole in her ears because at this point, that is certainly the least of the things she is asking for. And I'd rather her get it done correctly than get it done by a friend and end up with an infection. Guess who would be paying for the medical bills for that one - certainly not her dad!

I've tried reasoning with him but he is refusing to give his consent. She is with me 80% of the time...shouldn't I get more of a say? And I am less worried about ruining my relationship with him than I am with my daughter over something that is really not a big deal.

Should I just take her and do it?
So you want to bribe her to get her grades up by allowing her to get a hole in her ear? And now she wants her belly pierced as well? Forgive me, but are you really a parent or a friend trying to avoid conflict? Kudos to your ex for having a pair.
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Old 04-22-2018, 03:19 PM
 
Location: North State (California)
26,281 posts, read 2,081,766 times
Reputation: 9336
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
I'd have a reasoned conversation with the ex, and if he can cite a reasonable reason for her not to have it, then no. If it's just because he wants to play control games, then you two might need to do some work to come together on co-parenting.

She has her whole life ahead to get as many piercings and tats as she can, but this is not the time to teach her to play one parent off the other. Next it will be she wants to go on solo dates in cars, then she wants a car of her own, etc.

As long as she thinks you two won't present a united front, she will wheedle and whine until she gets one of you to give in. You wouldn't want him to undermine your rules, so don't undermine his, but both of you should be reasonable about why you're making these decisions, explain the reasons to her and she will have to abide by the decision.

I agree, why does her Dad not approve of it? it is a fairly normal thing, to have 3 holes in an ear. I would find out if he has a valid reason. I used to have 3 holes in my ear, but they have since grown closed.
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Old 04-22-2018, 04:24 PM
 
15,587 posts, read 13,043,177 times
Reputation: 19519
Any legal, non-permanent change was fine in our home because we believe our kids have ownership of their bodies. There were ear, nose and belly button piercings, various colored hair, some odd hair cuts, and so on. Fast forward a little more than a decade, and 3 of the 4 have tattoos, two still have nose studs, and one still has an unusual hair style but they are also all college graduates, 2 in grad school, and all gainfully employed. So alls well that ends well.

I would allow the ear piercing. It will show your daughter you hear her, allow her to exercise some body autonomy, and so on. Might make her more likely to talk to you about other things.
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Old 04-22-2018, 04:31 PM
 
15,587 posts, read 13,043,177 times
Reputation: 19519
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
@Stagemomma

"Tattoos: I told my daughters when they were about 14 and 11 that the day they got a tattoo was the day they could kiss any college money from me goodbye. So when they are finished with grad school they can think about a tattoo."

I gave my kids the same exact talk about tattoos and piercings. Once they were out of college and into the professional workforce, they saw tattoos and piercings as liabilities.

@mtbikelover, you should teach your daughter to respect her father. It is not about tattoos or piercings but respecting her parents.
So not true anymore. I work in a STEM field where the vast majority of people have graduate degrees, most also have some sort of tattoo in a tame yet still visible place (shoulder, ankle, etc.). Piercings in ears are not even noticed, and nose studs are not uncommon in younger folks at all. Hell, even my doctor, who is 50 if she is day, has a small tattoo on her inner wrist.

Now none of mine were allowed tattoos while underage, just to make sure they didn't want to become lawyers or work in sales where it might make a difference.
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Old 04-22-2018, 11:52 PM
 
6 posts, read 1,842 times
Reputation: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtbikelover View Post

Fast forward 6 months and she is still bringing it up but now also saying she is interested in a belly piercing and wants a tattoo. I told her when she is 16, we will talk about the belly piercing but that there is no way I will approve a tattoo. She will have to wait until she is legally able to get that on her own.


Should I just take her and do it?
Oh how I wish the age requirement for a tattoo was 30 or 25 or any age after I decided to get my tattoo. Not a day goes by that I donít regret it. When your young you just donít think about how one day youíll be 38. I would agree to 10 piercings if she dismissed the tattoo idea. Unless itís very very small, eternally cute, and very very very discreet.
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