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Old 04-23-2018, 08:40 AM
 
1,732 posts, read 2,482,815 times
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Let your daughter convince him then. If he's putting up the roadblocks, let your daughter earn it.

I mainly say this because many divorcees will just argue for the sake of arguing. Ex-wife wants this? Well, ex-husband says no, out of spite. Or comes up with some reason why it should be this way. Things are petty.

If his saying "no" has more to do with YOU and less to do with your daughter - have her convince him. And even if it doesn't. She wants to put another hole in her body? She should be mature enough to argue for it.
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Old 04-23-2018, 11:03 AM
 
11 posts, read 3,652 times
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Wow! Thanks everyone for the advice and feedback.

To answer some of the questions (I didn't want to quote everyone and make this super long):

Yes - she has gotten her grades up to a 3.8 (from a 3.0). I know a 3.0 isn't terrible but we live in a very difficult school district and seeing my son struggle through HS made me realize that she needed to do better in middle school to have a better chance of succeeding in our very hard HS. And she did this after I had told her 6 months ago that since her had said no, she couldn't get the 3rd hole. So she isn't just doing it for the piercing.

I have tried to reason with my ex. I've asked him 8 times why he is against it. His reasoning is that she will just keep asking for more and he doesn't like the way it looks.

I've asked my daughter why she wants it. She says she thinks it is beautiful. She isn't doing it because others in her school have it as I don't think anyone else has 3 holes.

I did suggest doing a fake one but she said someone came to school with a fake ring on the upper part of her ear and everyone made fun of her so she doesn't want to do that.

My daughter is very mature. At 13, she works, she is polite, she volunteers her time, donates some of the money she makes, and is very helpful. She just wants to express herself and this is a pretty harmless way of doing that in my opinion.

And for those that say my relationship with my ex will be ruined...my ex has done things that I have explicitly asked him not to. He doesn't believe in traditional medicine and will frequently treat the kids with herbal remedies. I've asked him not to unless he takes them to a homeopathic doctor, but he continues to do it. The kids are old enough now and say no, but he has done it in the past despite my telling him I didn't agree because he isn't a doctor and doesn't know what interactions there could be.

And I think someone said something about me wanting to be her "friend" not her parent, that is absolutely not true. I say no quite often and I implement consequences that she hates (like taking phone away). But I have raised my kids to know that it is ok to question adults if they don't agree. And frankly, there is just no good reason to have for saying no to a 3rd hole. She isn't hurting ANYONE or her ability to get a job later on.

Beyond watching movies with my kids 2 days a week and coaching my daughters soccer team (which he does for his ego...not for my daughter), my ex does NOTHING to be a parent. I schedule and take kids to ALL dentist and doctor appointments, I've helped my son figure out ways to study and get his grades up, I helped both kids find jobs, I teach them about volunteering and giving back to the community, I've taught them how to save money, I'm teaching my son to drive, I take them on vacation to different countries so they can learn how others live, I teach them to cook and how to go grocery shopping and look for deals, etc. etc. etc. Everything I do with the kids is to prepare them to be successful adults later on in life.
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Old 04-23-2018, 11:19 AM
Status: "Cautiously optimistic" (set 10 days ago)
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
32,329 posts, read 40,512,896 times
Reputation: 52607
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtbikelover View Post
My 13yo daughter asked for a 3rd hole in her ears about 6 months ago. I didn't really care (it's a pick your battles thing with me) so I said sure with the agreement that she had to get her grades up. I had been looking for something to motivate her to get better grades and this just fell in my lap.

I never in a million years thought her dad (we are divorced) would have an issue with it. But he did. So I had to tell her no. She has tried talking to him and he is adamant about her not getting it.

Fast forward 6 months and she is still bringing it up but now also saying she is interested in a belly piercing and wants a tattoo. I told her when she is 16, we will talk about the belly piercing but that there is no way I will approve a tattoo. She will have to wait until she is legally able to get that on her own.

I want to go ahead and let her get the 3rd hole in her ears because at this point, that is certainly the least of the things she is asking for. And I'd rather her get it done correctly than get it done by a friend and end up with an infection. Guess who would be paying for the medical bills for that one - certainly not her dad!

I've tried reasoning with him but he is refusing to give his consent. She is with me 80% of the time...shouldn't I get more of a say? And I am less worried about ruining my relationship with him than I am with my daughter over something that is really not a big deal.

Should I just take her and do it?
Your reasoning is faulty. You don’t give in to something in order to avoid something worse. It won’t avoid something worse, it will accelerate things that are worse. “Well, you let me get my ear pierced, so why can’t I get my belly button pierced?” You are the mother, and if you think it is wrong for a child to put holes in herself (I agree) then stick to it.

Perhaps at 16, if she is a good responsible girl who does well in school, which it sounds like she is, I would consider agreeing, if she still wants it.

All this talk about your daughter’s father is beside the point. If I told my daughter that the answer was no, she knew it made no difference what her dad said, or vice versa.
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Old 04-23-2018, 11:31 AM
 
11 posts, read 3,652 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
You are the mother, and if you think it is wrong for a child to put holes in herself (I agree) then stick to it.

All this talk about your daughterís father is beside the point. If I told my daughter that the answer was no, she knew it made no difference what her dad said, or vice versa.
Thatís the problem. I donít think itís wrong. And I had already told her yes because I never in a million years thought her dad would have an issue with it.
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Old 04-23-2018, 01:47 PM
 
3,777 posts, read 3,075,728 times
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Just be straight up. I had no idea your father would be against this & we should honor his wishes. Then as group think of other incentives for her & brother to earn for grade achievements. A 3.8 should be commended in some manner. Maybe she'd like a jewelry making kit.
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Old 04-23-2018, 01:56 PM
 
14,559 posts, read 15,297,389 times
Reputation: 24037
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtbikelover View Post
My daughter is very mature. At 13, she works, she is polite, she volunteers her time, donates some of the money she makes, and is very helpful. She just wants to express herself and this is a pretty harmless way of doing that in my opinion.

And for those that say my relationship with my ex will be ruined...my ex has done things that I have explicitly asked him not to. He doesn't believe in traditional medicine and will frequently treat the kids with herbal remedies. I've asked him not to unless he takes them to a homeopathic doctor, but he continues to do it. The kids are old enough now and say no, but he has done it in the past despite my telling him I didn't agree because he isn't a doctor and doesn't know what interactions there could be.

Beyond watching movies with my kids 2 days a week and coaching my daughters soccer team (which he does for his ego...not for my daughter), my ex does NOTHING to be a parent. I schedule and take kids to ALL dentist and doctor appointments, I've helped my son figure out ways to study and get his grades up, I helped both kids find jobs, I teach them about volunteering and giving back to the community, I've taught them how to save money, I'm teaching my son to drive, I take them on vacation to different countries so they can learn how others live, I teach them to cook and how to go grocery shopping and look for deals, etc. etc. etc. Everything I do with the kids is to prepare them to be successful adults later on in life.
I think your situation has very little to do with the third hole in your daughter's ears and everything to do with your relationship with your Ex. You sound like a great mom, btw, but you and your Ex use your children to take digs at one another and keep the drama going.

Your daughter is mature. Explain to her that your Ex is trying to assert his power in this relationship and help her think through the consequences of getting the third hole and not getting the third hole. Will your Ex blow up? Is it worth it to you and to her? You and he will be co-parenting for at least 5 more years. How will you handle future conflicts? Dating? Driver's ed? College visits/choices?

I stand by my earlier post that you and he need to present a united front. But since you don't appear to want to (justified or not), you might as well help your daughter think through the possibilities and consequences of going against her father's wishes. You need to think about it too because you might want him to back you up at some point.
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Old 04-23-2018, 04:46 PM
 
2,023 posts, read 975,114 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I stand by my earlier post that you and he need to present a united front. But since you don't appear to want to (justified or not), you might as well help your daughter think through the possibilities and consequences of going against her father's wishes. You need to think about it too because you might want him to back you up at some point.
There's no justification for unity if one parent is being unreasonable, and as the OP has stated, is not very responsible himself.

If I were the OP, my daughter held up her end of the bargain, and I'd let her get the earring. I'd tell my ex that the daughter will take it out after he's paid 6 months of child support that he's not currently paying. And if he DOES pay up (though we all know he won't) give 3 months of that money to your daughter in trade, perhaps two months into a savings account for her, and one month that she can do what she wishes with it. I bet she'll think that's a fair deal for her father's obstinance.

That'll make him shut his piehole.
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Old 04-23-2018, 06:59 PM
 
9,847 posts, read 5,923,868 times
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Path of least resistance. If one parent says no, both parents say no. It isn't a class trip or an internship. Its body modification. So if one parent says no, both do.

Don't die on this bridge.
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Old 04-23-2018, 08:47 PM
 
11 posts, read 3,652 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katana49 View Post
There's no justification for unity if one parent is being unreasonable, and as the OP has stated, is not very responsible himself.

If I were the OP, my daughter held up her end of the bargain, and I'd let her get the earring. I'd tell my ex that the daughter will take it out after he's paid 6 months of child support that he's not currently paying. And if he DOES pay up (though we all know he won't) give 3 months of that money to your daughter in trade, perhaps two months into a savings account for her, and one month that she can do what she wishes with it. I bet she'll think that's a fair deal for her father's obstinance.

That'll make him shut his piehole.
To be fair to him, he doesnít pay child support because I waived my right to support. I can always go back and get it if I needed it, but he doesnít make a lot of money so I chose not to get support. I wanted him to be able to live in a decent place so the kids would be safe. And to be able to put food on the table. I also felt that if there was no money changing hands, we would be better co-parents since most people fight about money.
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Old 04-23-2018, 09:42 PM
 
1,248 posts, read 1,145,367 times
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But 2 holes in her ear was OK? Why is 3 suddenly a problem?
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