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My 13yo daughter asked for a 3rd hole in her ears about 6 months ago. I didn't really care (it's a pick your battles thing with me) so I said sure with the agreement that she had to get her grades up. I had been looking for something to motivate her to get better grades and this just fell in my lap.
I never in a million years thought her dad (we are divorced) would have an issue with it. But he did. So I had to tell her no. She has tried talking to him and he is adamant about her not getting it.
Fast forward 6 months and she is still bringing it up but now also saying she is interested in a belly piercing and wants a tattoo. I told her when she is 16, we will talk about the belly piercing but that there is no way I will approve a tattoo. She will have to wait until she is legally able to get that on her own.
I want to go ahead and let her get the 3rd hole in her ears because at this point, that is certainly the least of the things she is asking for. And I'd rather her get it done correctly than get it done by a friend and end up with an infection. Guess who would be paying for the medical bills for that one - certainly not her dad!
I've tried reasoning with him but he is refusing to give his consent. She is with me 80% of the time...shouldn't I get more of a say? And I am less worried about ruining my relationship with him than I am with my daughter over something that is really not a big deal.
Should I just take her and do it?
Just to note - she gets good grades and gets to have another piercing but THEN you have no more leverage for her to KEEP the grades up. She certainly doesn't NEED another piercing - and just because this seems tame compared to a tattoo means she's just being smart playing you. I did the same thing as a kid - ask first for the moon and anything after that sounds great to them! Don't be a chump - you don't have to give in to all this stuff - she's 13.
Hey Mom, I want you to let my 19 year old boyfriend start staying the night, and I want to become a prostitute, and I'm thinking about starting a heroin habit.
Truly not comparable at all. Even my conservative mom let me have my 3rd ear hole when I was about 13. I think parents should be reasonable. Tattoo? no way not until you are 18. Ear piercing? hair color? What's the big deal?
I don't think another ear piercing is a big deal. And I don't think she'd be learning to play the parents against one another - that's not what's happening here. If the OP is to be believed, she is by far the primary care giver and is the one who has to live with the daughter. Primary care giver = primary decision maker. I think the ex has a say that she can take into consideration but ultimately, sounds like the mother is doing the raising. If the ex wants to get more involved, he would. Can't have your cake and eat it too.
What the daughter will learn is that the mother is the decision maker and is the one who needs to be influenced.
My 13yo daughter asked for a 3rd hole in her ears about 6 months ago. I didn't really care (it's a pick your battles thing with me) so I said sure with the agreement that she had to get her grades up. I had been looking for something to motivate her to get better grades and this just fell in my lap.
I never in a million years thought her dad (we are divorced) would have an issue with it. But he did. So I had to tell her no. She has tried talking to him and he is adamant about her not getting it.
Fast forward 6 months and she is still bringing it up but now also saying she is interested in a belly piercing and wants a tattoo. I told her when she is 16, we will talk about the belly piercing but that there is no way I will approve a tattoo. She will have to wait until she is legally able to get that on her own.
I want to go ahead and let her get the 3rd hole in her ears because at this point, that is certainly the least of the things she is asking for. And I'd rather her get it done correctly than get it done by a friend and end up with an infection. Guess who would be paying for the medical bills for that one - certainly not her dad!
I've tried reasoning with him but he is refusing to give his consent. She is with me 80% of the time...shouldn't I get more of a say? And I am less worried about ruining my relationship with him than I am with my daughter over something that is really not a big deal.
Should I just take her and do it?
I am way older than your daughter (and possibly you). I have three piercings in my ear. I had the last two done in the 80s. Very rarely do I wear three earings at once.
I think this is a non-battle.
As far as your ex is concerned - and I know I'll get slammed for this - let her pierce it, but around her dad, wear only two earlings.
Each one of my sons asked in middle school about piercing their ears. I said not now. Wait until you are at least 20 to make that decision. We had a good conversation about it. Now they all thank me for not letting them get it done.
I would encourage your daughter to wait until she is older to make that decision.
Getting your ears pierced really isn't a big deal - and if you don't wear earrings often they will eventually close up anyway.
Your the primary care giver and appear to be primary custody. Its your choice. As far as the dad goes, I don't see the problem. I would tell him first your doing it first and add "If you wanna start having a 50% say then you need to start paying 50% of her care".
I am on the fence about it being a good decision or not to actually do it. I think 13 is young. I also think a 3rd piercing isn't that big a deal but whats she going to ask for next? A 4th? A 5th? Lips? Nose? what.
I think I would ask her why she wants to get it and would say yes or no based on that. I mean if its coming from somewhere because some celebrity or personality is doing it or all her friends are doing it and this is the reason then I would be inclined to say no. So its not so much the piercing, its the why.
My kids didn't ask dad for permission to get their ears pierced. Or to color their hair blue, for that matter.
BUT now that the OPs ex husband has been asked, and he answered, it would be poor role modeling to just go against Dad and do it behind his back. What kind of message does that send? It's okay to do things and lie to dad about it? IMHO OP will regret undermining Dads authority some day.
Re: Tattoos: I told my daughters when they were about 14 and 11 that the day they got a tattoo was the day they could kiss any college money from me goodbye. So when they are finished with grad school they can think about a tattoo. Oldest is very focused on grad school. She did ask me about a tattoo again recently (she is 20) and I reminded her. She pouted a bit but she will wait, I think. Youngest has no particular ambition to go to grad school, so she will probably just go ahead and do it and not tell me.
I think I will offer them both henna tattoos this summer.
Did the daughter actually get her grades up? The OP sounds like she's just acquiescing just to make sure daughter doesn't get it done by one of her friends.
I am way older than your daughter (and possibly you). I have three piercings in my ear. I had the last two done in the 80s. Very rarely do I wear three earings at once.
I think this is a non-battle.
As far as your ex is concerned - and I know I'll get slammed for this - let her pierce it, but around her dad, wear only two earlings.
You can't do that while they are healing. Then there is a sht show when Dad demands she take the other out.
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