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Old 04-20-2018, 09:19 AM
 
21 posts, read 8,628 times
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My 13yo daughter asked for a 3rd hole in her ears about 6 months ago. I didn't really care (it's a pick your battles thing with me) so I said sure with the agreement that she had to get her grades up. I had been looking for something to motivate her to get better grades and this just fell in my lap.

I never in a million years thought her dad (we are divorced) would have an issue with it. But he did. So I had to tell her no. She has tried talking to him and he is adamant about her not getting it.

Fast forward 6 months and she is still bringing it up but now also saying she is interested in a belly piercing and wants a tattoo. I told her when she is 16, we will talk about the belly piercing but that there is no way I will approve a tattoo. She will have to wait until she is legally able to get that on her own.

I want to go ahead and let her get the 3rd hole in her ears because at this point, that is certainly the least of the things she is asking for. And I'd rather her get it done correctly than get it done by a friend and end up with an infection. Guess who would be paying for the medical bills for that one - certainly not her dad!

I've tried reasoning with him but he is refusing to give his consent. She is with me 80% of the time...shouldn't I get more of a say? And I am less worried about ruining my relationship with him than I am with my daughter over something that is really not a big deal.

Should I just take her and do it?
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Old 04-20-2018, 09:22 AM
 
Location: here
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I agree with you but I'm not sure how to convince your ex. What is your custody situation? Joint legal?
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Old 04-20-2018, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,850 posts, read 4,526,370 times
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What does the divorce decree say? It usually divvies things up in terms of which parent gets final say on medical, educational, religious, etc... issues. If it's not clear that you get final say on medical, I would not allow her to do it given that he's made his wishes known. You're just asking for trouble.
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Old 04-20-2018, 09:31 AM
 
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I have physical custody but we have joint legal for medical, religion, and education.

He's in a pretty good situation right now in that I pay 98% of all the kids expenses - school, medical, activities, etc. Every once in awhile, he will give me a check for 1/2 of something but that's rare. And he doesn't pay child support. So him taking me to court over something like this would open up a huge can of worms for him and potentially cost him a lot of money.

The only trouble he would give me is that he would probably be an ass towards me...but I'm used to that.
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Old 04-20-2018, 10:22 AM
 
Location: here
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Divorced or not, I think if there is a disagreement on something like this, the default is no.
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Old 04-20-2018, 10:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Divorced or not, I think if there is a disagreement on something like this, the default is no.
Ditto
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Old 04-20-2018, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,850 posts, read 4,526,370 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mtbikelover View Post
I have physical custody but we have joint legal for medical, religion, and education.

He's in a pretty good situation right now in that I pay 98% of all the kids expenses - school, medical, activities, etc. Every once in awhile, he will give me a check for 1/2 of something but that's rare. And he doesn't pay child support. So him taking me to court over something like this would open up a huge can of worms for him and potentially cost him a lot of money.

The only trouble he would give me is that he would probably be an ass towards me...but I'm used to that.
Usually with joint legal, though, the decree divides up decisions like this to avoid fights between parents. I'm a therapist and I always double check the decree to see who gets final say in terms of medical. If it's not the parent who is bringing the child to see me, I require that the other parent sign off on all the consents as well. Are you certain that both of you are explicitly named as having equal say on all those issues? Actually check your document. Even when one parent has primary physical custody, the other parent may get final say on some issues. Trust me; it's not my first rodeo when it comes to navigating custody agreements.
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Old 04-20-2018, 11:32 AM
 
15,030 posts, read 15,872,477 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Divorced or not, I think if there is a disagreement on something like this, the default is no.
I agree. Your daughter is 13 and if she learns to play you against one another now she'll do it every time she wants something. No harm will come to her if she doesn't get a 3rd piercing. Just tell her that the answer is "no" but you can talk about it in a couple of years.
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Old 04-20-2018, 12:23 PM
 
819 posts, read 912,461 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mtbikelover View Post
I want to go ahead and let her get the 3rd hole in her ears because at this point, that is certainly the least of the things she is asking for.
That's a ridiculous line of reasoning.

Hey Mom, I want you to let my 19 year old boyfriend start staying the night, and I want to become a prostitute, and I'm thinking about starting a heroin habit.
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Old 04-20-2018, 01:04 PM
 
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Each one of my sons asked in middle school about piercing their ears. I said not now. Wait until you are at least 20 to make that decision. We had a good conversation about it. Now they all thank me for not letting them get it done.

I would encourage your daughter to wait until she is older to make that decision.
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