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Old 03-26-2008, 06:13 PM
 
30 posts, read 110,103 times
Reputation: 19

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I'm about to become the step-mother to two very bright, intelligent girls (just turned 17 and the other about to become 21). They are both very smart girls, each with a different view of life however. The younger of the 2 has a zest for life and wants to experience it. She basically can't wait to get out of the house. (They both live with their mother) The older has no desire to put any more effort into anything then she absolutely has to.

Now please, don't jump on my case about this, I'm asking because I really am concerned and I don't know any other way to put what I'm about to say. I will never, EVER, say these things to them and will never EVER say anything negative about their mother in front of them, or to anyone where it may get back to them. Pretty much the only one that I talk to about this is their Dad, but he has a bad habit of ignoring things that are right in front of him, because he either doesn't want to believe them, or he believes that someone will change.

OK...here goes...

My concern about the older daughter is this: She has no friends, basically, no social life, she was going to school, at a really good college, but decided it was too much work and dropped out. She found a job in an after-school care program and instead of working in law or politics as she had originally planned, she now says she wants to be an elementary school teacher. she was supposed to start school again, but didn't and only after prodding by her Dad, she signed up for online courses. (He tells everyone she is going to college if people ask about her, but she's not going to college, she's on the computer) She had an opportunity to back to school, but found out that she would have to take the SAT over again and going to the new college would have entailed her moving. She didn't take the SAT because she said it was too early to get out of bed (8am test) and then she said she didn't really want to go anyway, because she didn't have the energy to look for a place to live and it was too much to move and she didn't want to leave home. That's one example, but if you change the situation, it's something she does over and over.

We've finally gotten her to go out to a festival with us once and are trying to get her to go to the theater (musical comedic play) with us, hopefully, she will. Again, she's going to be 21 in a couple of months and she idolizes Hanna Montana and she dresses like a 13 years old. And, there's some contestant on American Idol who is/was a "Nanny" before coming on the show and she idolizes that contestant and would love to be like her.

The only time she really does anything socially is with her mother, they'll go see a tennis match, or dancing with the stars or something like that.

The mother doesn't work, in fact, she doesn't really do much of anything, she has no friends, doesn't connect with her family, she hardly even cooks for them, they usually have take-out or go out to dinner every night. The girls don't even know the first thing about being around a kitchen, the older has asked if I would show her some things about cooking. I see the daughter turning into her mother.

My Fiance suggested to his two daughters that they look into getting part-time jobs over the summer, it would be good for both of them. The youngest said she had already been looking, but the older said she didn't want to work over the summer, because she had worked in the after-care program all school year and she'd rather just baby-sit for the one couple that she baby-sits regularly for.

So, as I hope you can see, my concern is mostly for the older of the two girls. Before I go further, please let me say that I see nothing wrong at all with wanting to be an elementary school teacher, or even a Nanny if it's what makes her happy.

Again, I'm afraid I see her turning into her mother, who is very lazy and all she does is complain about life, but doesn't do anything to change hers. Before I met him, my Fiance told me he would talk to her about his dreams and what he wanted for them out of life, like having friends, doing things, going places, traveling, entertaining and more...oh, and having a sexual relationship, which they had only about once a month, if that much. He said when she felt threatened, she would miraculously change overnight into a different person, but it would only last for a couple of weeks and then go right back to the way things were. She lived a good life with him and had to opportunity to do anything she'd want to do, even if it were just volunteering somewhere, but all she wanted to do was watch TV. They went out to dinner, or take-out practically every night, with her cooking dinner, perhaps twice a week.

Boy, this is starting to get long.

OK, my final concern with the older daughter is her weight, she is slowly, but steadily gaining weight. Right now, she's probably about 40-50 lbs overweight and again, before you get mad at me, please don't think I am against overweight people, because I am not. I was extremely obese all of my life and 3 years ago I put my mind to it and have lost 200 lbs with diet and exercise, so, my concern is genuine, because I don't want her to end up where I was. I don't want to see her in the weight situation I was in and I don't want to see her land in the relationship situation I was in. I was married to a man who had no ambition to live life (kind of like their mother) and all he lived for was watching TV, he worked, but would do nothing else. When I left him, I got involved with a very emotionally, mentally, physically and verbally abusive man, all in my search for acceptance and yes, love. She doesn't have a boyfriend and never has had one and I just don't want to see her end up with some guy who is just going to tell her what she wants to hear and in the end hurt her and mess up her head.

I know I've written a lot, and could probably write a whole lot more, but I hope you can see my point and just give me some advice. How do I try and guide her in the right direction, without seeming pushy, or butting my nose in. As I said, even though their mother is like she is, I will not say anything negative about her, I know that would be a BIG mistake.

I just really care about these girls and while I think the younger is going to be just fine, I think the older is heading for trouble and I want to try and find a way to help her if I can.

If anyone has any words of wisdom to share, please do! I didn't have children when I was married, so I have absolutely no motherhood experience.

Thank you!!
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Old 03-26-2008, 06:35 PM
 
1 posts, read 922 times
Reputation: 10
Anyone who replies to this, kindly reply to this profile name instead of the other...the other account was inactivated by mistake.

Thanks!
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Old 03-26-2008, 06:39 PM
 
Location: southern california
61,290 posts, read 87,099,452 times
Reputation: 55549
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngryBlonde View Post
Anyone who replies to this, kindly reply to this profile name instead of the other...the other account was inactivated by mistake.

Thanks!
you are marrying him not them.
your 1st priority is your new relationship. the kids are not your stuff.
i would ask for a job decription on this marriage.
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Old 03-26-2008, 06:46 PM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,951,888 times
Reputation: 46662
Here's my straightforward answer to you...Chill.

I know it's hard. I know you see a train wreck coming with this oldest daughter. But she's 21, an adult, and already a mostly-formed human being. From this point on in her life, the only person who will be able to teach her is herself.

Further, as the stepmother in this situation, I beg you to be very careful. There's very little you can do or say that won't make you the villain. The daughter in question will complain about you both to your husband and his ex.

The only thing you can do is have a sayso in how you as a couple spend your money, and how much of your money you devote to supporting this person. Even then, draconian steps such as "cut her off" won't help your cause, because you'll be seen as the bad person. Instead, you need to ever-so-gently steer your husband towards getting this girl to live life on her own. After all, she's been enabled for 21 years. She won't become a grownup every night.

So say your piece to hubby and then step out. And when he comes back to you looking for answers, only then do you give your advice.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Chicago
2,467 posts, read 12,213,583 times
Reputation: 897
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
you are marrying him not them.
your 1st priority is your new relationship. the kids are not your stuff.
i would ask for a job decription on this marriage.

Wow. I totally disagree with this. When you marry someone you marry their children too. They are part of the deal and I think it's great that you are considering this.

That being said, you can't expect changes to happen right away and you do have to tread lightly as the step-mom. My concern is that she does sound pretty depressed... the whole lack of motivation, gaining weight, loss of interest, etc and she may need a push to get going. I just urge you to have your husband be the one to give the push. If she is living with you, just working part-time or not going to school, etc should not be a choice. If she is living with the two of you, she should be working toward her goals and your hubby should make this clear to her BUT also help her step towards those goals. Oh wait, I just read she doesn't live with you..... This is even harder. I would encourage you to not pressure anything but become a positive role model for her and over time, maybe she'll start to model you more than her mother. She may be feeling overwhelmed right now, so maybe getting her in to counseling (again, your husband would need to do this...maybe you could all go together) may help her find her way.
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:36 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,187 posts, read 991,231 times
Reputation: 593
Quote:
Originally Posted by theangryblonde View Post
If anyone has any words of wisdom to share, please do! I didn't have children when I was married, so I have absolutely no motherhood experience.

Thank you!!
First, let me start by saying that although you are not marrying the whole family, they do come with your husband. It's tough to be the step-parent, my boyfriend is learning about that with my boys who are 14 & 12. More than anything, you can be their friend.. they are old enough that you don't have to be an authority figure in their lives. YOu can be a positive role model though.

Second, the older daughter AND their mother sound like they are both sufferring from depression. I deal with my depression every day, it's not easy to get motivated, and so easy to gain weight. The meds you take help with mood, but also help in gaining weight, which then makes you depressed about your weight! It's a viscious cycle, but when I"m taking my meds I can at least laugh about it, when I"m not, the world is crumbling around me.

Talk to your fiance, tell him your concerns, and see if you can at least talk to the older daughter about seeing a counselor about depression. That would be my first step. Don't push about school, cuz school, friends, guys, they will all be there when she's ready for it. Right now, try to deal with the depression first. If she's clinically depressed, which it sounds like she is, then once she's been taking some good medicine, her mood will lighten, and she'll start WANTING to do things.

She's only 21, and she's got time to figure out what she wants to do and who she wants to do it with. But only if she's given a way to see through the darkness. It sounds like you really care about her, so hold out your hand, and wait for her to grab it.

Hope this helps
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:42 PM
 
1,623 posts, read 6,505,436 times
Reputation: 457
Sounds like this girl has Asperger's syndrome. Possibly depression as well. I would urge her father to get her help and try to reserve passing any judgement on her actions until you can determine if she's got underlying psychological issues fueling it.
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Old 03-26-2008, 11:29 PM
 
Location: Chicago
2,467 posts, read 12,213,583 times
Reputation: 897
Quote:
Originally Posted by orrmobl View Post
Sounds like this girl has Asperger's syndrome. Possibly depression as well. I would urge her father to get her help and try to reserve passing any judgement on her actions until you can determine if she's got underlying psychological issues fueling it.

Asperger's syndrome? Where do you get this from? This is way out of left field. I do agree that getting her help is needed though.
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Old 03-27-2008, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Denver
4,564 posts, read 10,926,437 times
Reputation: 3946
I agree that it sounds like she might be depressed.

But also the fact that she is living with her mother is she is role modeling after isn't helping. If she doesn't naturally have the motivation that it seems her younger sister has, she isn't going to magically get it. She needs a positive role model. I would encourage you to just keep trying. Keep asking her along and keep taking her to do things to get her out of the house. Maybe she'll get a light bulb moment see all these opportunities and things to do that are better than sitting on the couch and letting life pass her by. And it might take asking her over and over again - but don't give up. You definitely have the chance her to be a positive role model for her.

I do find the being obsessed with Hannah Montana a bit strange. She seems to be stuck at age 13.....
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Old 03-27-2008, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Sugar Grove, IL
3,131 posts, read 11,610,632 times
Reputation: 1640
I also think she sounds depressed. I think that since these kids are older, and less likely to be spending weekends and vacations with you, that you will have to tread lightly with your comments about them to your husband. I think pointing out your concerns that his daughter may be depressed, possibly showing him some articles on the subject, might be helpful. I don't think you can push the issue, though. I think you are right to encourage the part-time employment for the 17 year old. and just try to look at positive issues and suggestions. Also, since they are older, I would also be wondering how much financial support your husband wants to dole out to them. especially the 21 year old, who seems reluctant to join society.
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