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Old 05-02-2018, 02:03 PM
 
9,384 posts, read 14,705,967 times
Reputation: 15217

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerseyGirl415 View Post
OP, I have some completely non-judgmental questions - they may sound judgy, but I am not intending to be that way and I'm just curious about something.

You said she definitely lied about her job, and you think she lied about college. Had you ever asked her, especially more recently, what classes she was taking? Whether she liked her professors (even if online, she had professors and she may like and dislike some as she would if she had an in-person class)? What assignments she was working on at any given time? How her day at work went? Etc., other detailed questions about her job.

I'm basically trying to find out how deep the lies were, or if you have the type of relationship where you don't really talk much in detail about things and you would just trust what she said with no questions asked; not even for the purpose to see if she's lying, just basic curiosity about how her life is going.
I didn't see if you were paying for her classes, but if you are, you can make her agree that you have access to her school records, including attendance and grades. No agreement, no help with tuition.
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Old 05-02-2018, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
24,241 posts, read 58,485,183 times
Reputation: 25760
You really need to cut off the credit and atm access. I would also file a civil action against her for the money she took get a judgment and attach those bank accounts she set up especially the one where you have the atm card and she cannot access the money. Giving her money is just giving her food for her problem whatever it is. Would you buy booze and send it to her? Pick up some heroine for her? Would you send payments to a guy in exchange for him to pretend to be her boyfriend? By allowing the continued access that is likely what you are doing. Are you going to continue stealing your money for the next five years? twenty? Do you have not limit to the amount of money you have?

Using the money she steals from you as a means to somehow see where she is going is useless and sad. Even if it is her using the cards and not someone controlling her or who she sold the cards and codes to, what good does it do you? So she charges something in New York, then something else in Charleston NC than something in Texas. What does that tell you? What are you going to do about it? What if she did become a prostitute? What are you going to do about it? Maybe she is already in jail. You cannot do anything about it but go visit her if she wants you to. If she does not want to see you, there is nothing you can do wherever she is and whatever she is doing. Your parenting is done. You can be a landing pad now if she crashes, you can offer advice if she wants it, but you can no longer be the mommy. That is done. Being a doormat for her is not helping anyone.

You can hire a PI. How will that help you? You will know where she is and what she is doing. You cannot change where she is and what she is doing, and it is possible you do not want to know. Are you going to show up at her apartment or her BFs apartment and make a big scene crying at a closed and locked door? Force her to call the police and have you removed?

Give her some rope. let her go do her thing. She will either come back or not. At some point your kids leave. It is sad and hard. At some point they mess up. So did we. They have to mess up and learn from it just like you did. You cannot follow them around protecting them. They grow up and you live your life, they live theirs - that is how it works. Hopefully the stay in touch and want to have you as part of their lives. Maybe it will take a while before that happens. Allowing her to use you and steal from you is not a relationship and it will only cause her to lose any respect she has for you.

Cut her off. Continue to text her form time to time. If she stop answering you, move on with your life. Text her once a month maybe. Someday she will come back and have a relationship with you, or she wont. That is not up to you anymore. It is up to her.
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Old 05-02-2018, 02:29 PM
 
6,247 posts, read 4,612,593 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniellaG View Post
I'm surprised people are saying to keep the credit cards open. It seems like it is enabling the behavior. Also how is it helping to get her home or where she is. If anything the more money she has the longer she will be away. Even if she is with some guy.

Next time you speak to her state how worried and unfair it is. How would she like it if you disappeared and she didn't know where you are.
I guess you've never been in this position. Tuesday, Sand Point, Idaho; Thursday, Spokane, Washington, Saturday, Seattle - a credit card statement is a pretty good trail. How else are you going to find her?
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Old 05-02-2018, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
24,241 posts, read 58,485,183 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Siegel View Post
I guess you've never been in this position. Tuesday, Sand Point, Idaho; Thursday, Spokane, Washington, Saturday, Seattle - a credit card statement is a pretty good trail. How else are you going to find her?
What is the purpose of finding her? If she wants to be found, she will let you know. If not, you can find her all day, day after day. Nothing will change. OK you know she is or was in Seattle. What are you going to do? Fly there and look for her? (Population 704,352 (2016)). You will not even know if she is still there. If you did somehow find her, what are you going to do? Move in next door? You cannot touch her, you cannot visit her unless she wants you to. The police cannot do anything. If an 18 year old chooses to go to Seattle, they can go to Seattle. How much are you going to spend on a pointless exercise? She will not stop running from you until she wants to. She will not stop stealing from you until you stop her. Of course if she did not have an unlimited free credit card, she would not be going to Seattle to begin with.
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Cape Cod/Green Valley AZ
745 posts, read 1,901,303 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I respect you and your experience, but in my neck of the woods, despite the circumstances, you may file a missing persons report if do not know a family members whereabouts or suspect there may be a problem.

This is NOT a normal 18 year-old leaving the nest.

There is no reason NOT to file a missing persons report.
Each police dept will have a different policy on taking a "missing persons report." In NYC that dept takes such reports but, as a general rule, does no actual investigation. The report is used to match up with unidentified dead human bodies that are at the morgue.

I was a homicide detective while in the NYPD. We had one case, casually referred to as the "second base case" due to the fact that a human torso, sans arms, legs, head and a good deal of its innards was found by a man walking his dog in the Bronx Botanical Garden. The detective catching the case contacted Missing Persons, who looked at their files for individuals following the same general physical description of the torso (the Medical Examiner, based on the size of the torso, came up with a general height/weight/age description of the victim).

Missing Persons had three people reported in their files that were a general match. One had had a bad back. The Medical Examiner compared the X-rays from the physician's office that person had gone to with the victim's and a match was made.

Oh, and although "we" knew who committed the homicide, the case never went to court. It seems the victim was a loan-shark and picked on the wrong two Queens diner owners to try and put some muscle on. The one witness to the murder was too frightened to testify. Not an uncommon problem.

As for my little Cape Cod dept., should a person have reported someone as having gone missing, I would have passed that on to the MA State Police. I didn't have a large enough dept, or sufficient resources, to look into missing persons.

Rich
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Old 05-02-2018, 03:35 PM
 
9,384 posts, read 14,705,967 times
Reputation: 15217
Does she have a PayPal account? My DS likes to take off at times, and I worry about his well-being. His judgment isn't always the best. I send money via PayPal occasionally, depending on the situation. It helps me feel better that at least he's not sleeping rough, or going hungry. Please, no lectures about how I'm enabling him, etc. Like I said, it depends on the circumstances. I feel having a little money will keep him out of trouble. He can't come home. Why? Because he became violent with me, on numerous occasions---long story,


However, getting back to the OP, it appears she is using the credit cards both as a way to track her daughter and as a way to help her. PayPal is not trackable, that is, you don't know when and where she is spending the money, but at least you have some comfort knowing she has some money.


OP, please contact


https://polarisproject.org/
  1. Cached
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National Human Trafficking Hotline Cases Jump by 13% in 2017. March 14, 2018. Cases of human trafficking reported to the National Human Trafficking Hotline (1-888-373-7888) and BeFree Textline (233733) jumped by 13 percent in 2017 from the previous year, according to data released by Polaris






It may be trafficking Good luck and God Bless!

Last edited by MaryleeII; 05-02-2018 at 03:43 PM..
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:32 PM
 
6,247 posts, read 4,612,593 times
Reputation: 8311
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
What is the purpose of finding her? If she wants to be found, she will let you know. If not, you can find her all day, day after day. Nothing will change. OK you know she is or was in Seattle. What are you going to do? Fly there and look for her? (Population 704,352 (2016)). You will not even know if she is still there. If you did somehow find her, what are you going to do? Move in next door? You cannot touch her, you cannot visit her unless she wants you to. The police cannot do anything. If an 18 year old chooses to go to Seattle, they can go to Seattle. How much are you going to spend on a pointless exercise? She will not stop running from you until she wants to. She will not stop stealing from you until you stop her. Of course if she did not have an unlimited free credit card, she would not be going to Seattle to begin with.
(1) If she has traveled from some other place to Seattle, she is alive. (2) She might get tired of being used as a sex toy, source of funds, or whatever and decide to charge a bus ticket home, which is not possible if you don't have the money so you just continue being a sex toy etc. (3) The police or a P.I. will want to know as much as possible and a credit card trail is very good information.

I have plenty of money but not all that many daughters I can spare.
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Old 05-02-2018, 05:56 PM
 
24,215 posts, read 26,201,451 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Siegel View Post
I have plenty of money but not all that many daughters I can spare.
But the point is the ATM and/or credit cards could actually make the situation worse, not better.
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Old 05-02-2018, 06:00 PM
 
11,780 posts, read 9,323,584 times
Reputation: 15822
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
But the point is the ATM and/or credit cards could actually make the situation worse, not better.
Yes. Like for example, for how long is the daughter going to be allowed to steal her mom's money? If OP keeps the cards active and uses them to track her daughter, she could be tracking her for months or even years for all we know, if she lets it go on that long - her daughter is still under no obligation to contact her or return home. And that whole time, she'd be living on her mom's dime and doing who knows what. It isn't realistically sustainable for either of them to allow the daughter to keep using the cards. Maybe briefly, since she left what a week ago, not even? But long-term this is not a good idea.
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Old 05-02-2018, 08:00 PM
 
2,302 posts, read 818,300 times
Reputation: 3101
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missdallasamy View Post
I feel like my heart has just been broke.
Up until 3 weeks ago we were a fine single family. Father deceased 10 years ago.
Just me and her. THen about 3 weeks, She began stealing mt debit card #'s (JUST found that out.0
She lied about working at the mall (I dropped her off and picked her up-she doesn't drive)

3 days ago she CLAIMED to was going out of state for a work conference in VA (LIE), just so happened to check my banking account and there was a airfare charge and airbnb. Called the companies, and they confirmed my daughter charges this to MASS. She only took a backpack and didn't pack toiletried and I think she only has 1 pr of shoes. It was well calculated, but she didn't pack what she needed.

She took her id, SSN, and BC. She claims she is not going out to the country, but every word is a lie.

She stated she needs to explore her independence, and has leased a place (SOMEWHERE) and has plenty of cash (from my acct), and not to worry

She won't give me any answers of what she is doing, claims, she is 18 I don't have to tell you.
She WILL reply to my texts, but after about 10 hours.

She just finished a semester at college with a 3.7 (so she claims- could be a lie, but stuck to this story for 34 months.

She was due a stipend, but if she was still attending.

No friends, she has had a social anxiety FOREVER.
I don't think she does drugs....she took classes online and I was always home. She doesn't like needle, has nasal issues, so wouldn't snort anything.

I just so worried. Being, she is 18, I guess there is nothing i can do legally, just wait to see if comes clean and PRAY she doesn't meet foul play.

I just needed to vent.....
Why are you allowing her to use your funds? Cancel the credit/debit cards. NOW. What you are actually doing is teaching her that you're a doormat, not to be respected. She will learn NOTHING from your indulgence of her whims, but will learn quite a lot when the free funds are cut off.
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