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Old 05-04-2018, 07:29 AM
 
3,176 posts, read 1,339,853 times
Reputation: 9092

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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I am so sorry.

What if your daughter gives a copy of her house key to her brother? And he starts to abuse you again? What if she allows him to come in and spend time in "her bedroom"? What if he starts receiving mail at your house and sleeps on the floor in "her room" and becomes a legal tenant that you can't get rid of? Etc? Etc?

Even if she is your daughter I am a surprised that you allowed her to move back into your house.

And, I certainly would NOT invite her to stay with you while she is working on a college degree. Many full time students take four or five years to graduate and if she is working fulltime it could take her many, more years to graduate . Do you really want her living with you for the next six years? Eight years? A decade? Longer?
Wait... is it the same son who was fired for taking the OP to a doctor's appt????? Then she wanted to intervene with the boss?????????!
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Old 05-04-2018, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
14,087 posts, read 8,706,189 times
Reputation: 32014
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Explain? My daughter contacted us begging for a place to stay. How did we "choose" anything? Except to offer her shelter.

You had a CHOICE.............you could have said yes or no, that was YOUR CHOICE. You picked yes, without establishing any ground rules.

It is not like you didn't know this girl for 18 years prior, you knew she was sloppy and her other issues, she did not suddenly become the person she is today. Now, you are making every excuse you can to justify why you are sitting back and reaping the rewards of not being strong from the first second she showed up on your doorstep.

My guess is, 6 months from now, you will still be in exactly this same position because you are not willing to stand up and set some firm rules, and enforce them. Like I said earlier, your daughter is not the problem, you are. You asked for advice, there it is.
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Old 05-04-2018, 08:48 AM
 
Location: here
24,104 posts, read 27,819,147 times
Reputation: 29854
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post

Well, that's over now. She's 22, has been living with BF or others for 4.5 years. She does have a full-time job and a car and is responsible about her bills, etc, never bumming money from us. I always told her if things went sour, she could always come home, but I meant as a soft landing, not as a permanent resident!


She's been here 2 weeks, and I'm trying to help her adjust and make things work out for her. I really would like to see her go back to school, at least a trade or technical school. something beyond just HS! We will see about that!


But its the "little things" that annoy me---


She has her own bedroom and bathroom, its like her own private suite. She never cleans it! Stuff all over the floor, laundry in piles, and never cleans her bathroom! I find myself cleaning her sink and toilet daily, empty the trash, etc. I rather pointedly put a large basket of cleaning supplies on the counter,including shower cleaner, but so far she has never cleaned the shower or mopped the floor. On the one hand, its her environment, if she wants to live like a pig, go ahead. On the other hand, this is a fairly new, and NICE house, bought for our retirement, and I want to maintain it!

That's what I'm trying to do, essentially, is avoid a major blowup. I'm really glad to have her home. I missed her and just wished for another chance to help her on her way into adulthood. I don't want to digress into squabbles about dog shots and who cleans her toilet. But this is more of an adjustment for me than I anticipated. I find myself avoiding her because I don't want to provoke arguments. sometimes its best to just pick your battles.


But this is turning into how things were before she left home. I would try to overlook
"little" things to keep the peace. Once thing I've learned, its not a "little issue" if it breaks the peace.


Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and am overjoyed she's come home so we can help her on her way. But the little things are getting to me.


Any advice for adult children moving back? How the family dynamics are affected, how to deal with them, how to recognize what's important and what's trivial? Suggestions, please!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Geez, people....look at my posts, not your interpretation of them. Where did I ever say I clean her room? I mentioned that its messy, not that I have ever cleaned it except to empty the trash on trash day. Or should I let it pile up in there?


In the second part of this thread, posters make assumptions such as I'm cleaning her room because I'm OCD, and using it as an excuse to snoop and invade her privacy. There again, I never set foot in her room except to empty an overflowing trash can. Really, I don't want an insect problem!

And, I do occasionally use her bathroom if I'm in that part of the house. Her sink has toothpaste smeared all over, and guess what? That eats into granite countertops. This isn't a rented trailer!


Good Night, folks!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Explain? My daughter contacted us begging for a place to stay. How did we "choose" anything? Except to offer her shelter.
See the bolded in your OP.

IMO your mistake was not having a discussion about rules or expectations before you let her move back in. That was your choice. Letting her back in at all was your choice. You outright told her she could come back if she ever needed to. That was your choice. You've ignored all my posts so far where I ask if you've discussed any of this stuff. My advice? Have a conversation with her!

Last edited by Kibbiekat; 05-04-2018 at 09:00 AM..
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Old 05-04-2018, 01:39 PM
 
465 posts, read 167,993 times
Reputation: 916
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I don't think I like her anymore. After five years of being avoided, or smart-mouthed, I'm not inclined to start a re-do of the family years. I would like to keep the dog.....
You need to sit her down and confront her and tell her she will have to move out if she doesn't change. It is your house and you are letting her walk all over you. You need to be willing to have that confrontation no matter how hard it may hurt you and her.

I wish you luck.
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Old 05-04-2018, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Midwest
3,191 posts, read 6,430,915 times
Reputation: 4191
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I think you missed something---she is 22.


IDK why she moved out from her living situation. She was living with her boyfriend, then moved into a shared living situation with 3 other ladies. The rent was affordable, but something happened with the other roommates. Her wallet was stolen twice, then she started keeping her purse inside her car. Then, her car window was broken and her wallet stolen again! The situation got ugly, in many other ways as well. This is the first and only time in 5 years she's asked us for help of any kind, so that says something right there!


I am concerned about the "puppy", since she is quickly growing. A puppy is adoptable, but the larger a dog becomes, the more difficult to re-home. I am disabled with mobility and balance issues, so taking care of a dog is difficult at best for me.


Obviously, there's a lot more to the story than I have the time or desire to go through. My main purpose in posting this is to vent some about how I feel suddenly having another person living here, even if she is my daughter. Like I stated earlier, this is not a re-hash of her growing up years. Things are different now. There's a lot of past hurt on my part that I'm trying not to dredge up to the surface and re-live. I want to go from this point onward. Its an adjustment for all concerned, including the dog!
Thanks for clearing up her previous living situation with loser roommates. No, make that criminal roommates.

I didn't miss that, she may be 22 but she is not acting like an adult. I'd surmise that her loser BF pushed her decline regarding school work, grades, motivation, goals, general lifestyle, etc.

He sounds like a real ace.

Then the "girls" were a bunch of thieves and burglars. I'd say your daughter has extremely poor people-reading skills, or for some reason she chooses people that will bring her down.

She's 22. She can damn well clean up after herself. But you two need to have a long talk about boundaries, rules, goals, ways to learn to choose better associates, these are real holes in your daughter's skillset that need to be patched up pronto.
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:03 PM
 
Location: In a vehicle.
3,965 posts, read 2,411,696 times
Reputation: 6231
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I
Well, that's over now. She's 22, has been living with BF or others for 4.5 years. She does have a full-time job and a car and is responsible about her bills, etc, never bumming money from us. I always told her if things went sour, she could always come home, but I meant as a soft landing, not as a permanent resident!
You failed to make the rules up before she moved in.
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:19 PM
 
299 posts, read 192,570 times
Reputation: 420
Moderator cut: deleted I don't think you are a bad person and you may mean well, but I don't think you realize how annoying some of the things you are doing and saying may be to other people.

It's not reasonable for you to expect your daughter to be able to read your mind. If you don't really want her in her house, then kick her out. It's just that simple. If she knew you felt the way you do, she probably would move out ASAP on her own.

If you're concerned for her safety, then find out exactly why she's in danger and find other ways to help her other than living in your house. She's been in your house two weeks and you still don't know exactly what the "emergency" is.

If you're okay with her staying but want her to follow certain rules, then make those rules clear to her.

If you are concerned with being seen as the "nice guy" and are worried about what your daughter and other people would think, then let her stay, but for the love of God, please stop complaining about it...

Last edited by june 7th; 05-04-2018 at 02:50 PM.. Reason: Borders on personal attack.
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:24 PM
 
8,932 posts, read 10,818,219 times
Reputation: 5677
Do like my father did: (when we were little kids) If we did not clean our room, he would grab a large black plastic trash bag, put everything in the trash bag, take everything out of our room and dump it in the middle of the floor. He gave us one hour to clean it or it would be thrown out in the trash.


Fastforward when I became a parent: There was junk, trash, stuff, socks, dirty pants and who knows what else on my kids floor. I walk in there and tell them to clean their room. They would do a very poor job. I then grabbed a plastic trash bag and stuff everything I found on the floor. I told them I called Goodwill and they would be by with a truck in about an hour. I told the kids to pick out what they wanted from the trash bag, because the rest would be going on the donation truck. That made them MOVE faster to get the room clean.

Regarding your adult child. You are cleaning her room and she does not care because there is no consequences to her actions. If you drove 79 miles an hour, in a 55 speed zone, your punishment would be a ticket, right? She has no punishment. You keep hinting. Now STOP cleaning her room. Tell her since she can't keep it clean, she needs to leave. You will not be picking up after someone who does NOT care how dirty her room has become....
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:44 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,139 posts, read 15,524,517 times
Reputation: 17358
Tell her to get on Craigslist and find new roommates. I live in a dramatically more expensive part of the country than you do and have had my share of insane roommates that required either replacing someone or moving out. Not everyone has parents to run home to so what do they do? They figure it out - and that doesn't mean homelessness! It happens every day.

Is she looking for new roommates? It's been 2 weeks.

Regarding the dog, this is a conversation that needs to happen ASAP. You can be incredibly responsible and still not be able to properly look after a dog - and with her hours, it sounds like that's the case. The puppy should not be left outside for hours alone, and absolutely needs to be properly vetted.
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
649 posts, read 284,832 times
Reputation: 1514
A lot of people would be thrilled if their child's biggest problems were untidiness and getting a dog when they probably shouldn't have, and that they'd moved home for a few weeks in their early 20s. Going by OP's first few posts, the daughter is trustworthy, works a lot of hours, and has gotten promotions at work.

The daughter hasn't helped with housework. However, my mother is, I think, quite a bit like OP. Like the OP, my mother wouldn't say what she wanted done ("You should just know!") and whatever I did, I didn't do it right. Anything I threw out (even my own stuff) was brought back in. So I didn't do housework. My mother complained, "Nobody helps me!" I can't help wondering if the same thing is going on here.

OP, this isn't an attack or an accusation. I'm not a therapist, but I think you might need help for a victim or martyr complex. I think you and your daughter would both be happier for it.
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