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Old 05-04-2018, 07:40 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
7,098 posts, read 2,213,337 times
Reputation: 9643

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
You sound like a neat freak to me. The toilet doesn't need to be cleaned daily. Not the sink either unless she's the type to leave toothpaste globs in it. But if you keep doing it for her, she's never going to do it on her own. Same goes for the other things you're doing for her like taking care of her dog. Is she an only child? Are her other siblings responsible? I imagine that she didn't just become this way overnight, so I'd assume her upbringing has something to do with her behavior. But if you're happy that she's home and you want to help her out, you can tell her very clearly what your expectations are while she's living in your home and hopefully things will improve.

Over the past century, many people in our culture have become obsessed with cleanliness, to the point of being irrational. One of the expected reactions from children who are raised by such people, is to reject all of it and live in a relaxed way, that is not bound by the straitjacket of extreme neatness. Sometimes, they go further into disorder than is good for them, but that's the handicap their parents gave them.

It's very similar to the way some parents fat-shame their children, who rebel by staying fat their whole lives. I know one woman who was harangued endlessly by her slim mother, to lose weight, as a teenager. She finally threw off the damage it had done to her self-esteem and became lean and trim. But she was 40 years old, before it happened.
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Old 05-04-2018, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Indianapolis, East Side
692 posts, read 350,232 times
Reputation: 1609
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald View Post
Over the past century, many people in our culture have become obsessed with cleanliness, to the point of being irrational. One of the expected reactions from children who are raised by such people, is to reject all of it and live in a relaxed way, that is not bound by the straitjacket of extreme neatness. Sometimes, they go further into disorder than is good for them, but that's the handicap their parents gave them.
Oddly enough, for all my parents' harping about my room, the rest of the house was a mess. (I'm not saying that's the case with the OP.) With my mother, it was all about how nobody helped her.
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Old 05-04-2018, 09:17 PM
 
Location: S.W. Florida
1,691 posts, read 667,204 times
Reputation: 4622
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I'm not putting this on the parenting forum, because its NOT a parenting issue. At least not any longer!


My daughter left home her last year of high school, to live with her boyfriend. The BF and his friends and social group brought her down. They discouraged her from going to school, and WE ended up with truancy charges! I worked closely with the police and school system, so we were not eventually charged, but rather SHE faced a $400 fine or 2 weeks jail, all waived if she completed HS!However, she barely scraped by her senior year, when previously she was an honor student, "bound for glory" scholarships, etc. No, she said she left "because of me" although I could never honestly see what I was doing, except trying to raise her.


Well, that's over now. She's 22, has been living with BF or others for 4.5 years. She does have a full-time job and a car and is responsible about her bills, etc, never bumming money from us. I always told her if things went sour, she could always come home, but I meant as a soft landing, not as a permanent resident!


She's been here 2 weeks, and I'm trying to help her adjust and make things work out for her. I really would like to see her go back to school, at least a trade or technical school. something beyond just HS! We will see about that!


But its the "little things" that annoy me---


She has her own bedroom and bathroom, its like her own private suite. She never cleans it! Stuff all over the floor, laundry in piles, and never cleans her bathroom! I find myself cleaning her sink and toilet daily, empty the trash, etc. I rather pointedly put a large basket of cleaning supplies on the counter,including shower cleaner, but so far she has never cleaned the shower or mopped the floor. On the one hand, its her environment, if she wants to live like a pig, go ahead. On the other hand, this is a fairly new, and NICE house, bought for our retirement, and I want to maintain it!


She never offers to help out in the kitchen, either. She usually doesn't eat with us, due to her schedule, but she could give me a hand when she sees me mopping the floor, etc, or take out trash, etc. She's with her boyfriend most of the time she's off work, so I don't know why she "lives" here




My biggest irritation is her dog! she brought home a cute little puppy, about 4 months old. Its a sweet little thing, but she leaves me to care for it all day! I don't mind helping a little animal, but lots of times I don't know the dogs outside. I do NOT want to get into grilling her every time she leaves where are you going? when will you come back? She's an adult now. But three times in the past week I've found little puppy whimpering in the yard. She has a kennel for it and there's plenty of shade, but she forgets to put out enough water! She says well, I put water out this morning, guess she drank it all Duh---that means she needs MORE water during the day! We live in Central Texas and the heat gets brutal during the Summer months, which is fast approaching. We will have to have another solution....she can't just be out there all day.


I also asked about the dog's shots, especially rabies. She claimed the man she bought her from said she had the shots, but when I pressed, no, she didn't have paperwork. Last weekend, they were doing low-cost vaccines at the local shelter. I gave her the times and locations. It was $5 for just a rabies shot. We took one of our cats in, we offered to take the dog, she said oh, no, she would do it later. Then, she spent the weekend "hanging" with her friends, dog didn't get her shots, and next low-cost vaccine clinic is in July. I know if the dog bites someone I am responsible, because she's living here with us. For our vet to do the shots would be $78, $68 for an exam and $10 for the shot. I really feel we should not be "pennywise pound foolish" on this issue and just take the dog and get its shots, some day when she's at work. she need never know it, I save a major blowup, and the dog vaccine issue is taken care of.


That's what I'm trying to do, essentially, is avoid a major blowup. I'm really glad to have her home. I missed her and just wished for another chance to help her on her way into adulthood. I don't want to digress into squabbles about dog shots and who cleans her toilet. But this is more of an adjustment for me than I anticipated. I find myself avoiding her because I don't want to provoke arguments. sometimes its best to just pick your battles.


But this is turning into how things were before she left home. I would try to overlook
"little" things to keep the peace. Once thing I've learned, its not a "little issue" if it breaks the peace.


Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and am overjoyed she's come home so we can help her on her way. But the little things are getting to me.


Any advice for adult children moving back? How the family dynamics are affected, how to deal with them, how to recognize what's important and what's trivial? Suggestions, please!
These threads always seem to amaze me. Your 22 year old daughter has NO business living with you. She has made her own life choices,now let her live with them. Why do parents feel they have to enable their adult children in becoming dependent on them again. She’s a grown a** woman, tell her she’s got a month to get on with her life-at her own place.
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Old 05-05-2018, 01:59 AM
 
Location: Honolulu, HI
4,589 posts, read 1,145,353 times
Reputation: 6565
I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent, but I do know what it’s like to be a child and my parents kicked my butt out the house as soon as I graduated high school

If I ever came back, I would be charged astronomical rent.

My point is that you will need to kick her out eventually. Just reading the original post is shocking. At 22 people are graduating college or joining the military, not living with their parents.
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Old 05-05-2018, 02:39 AM
 
Location: Clarence, NY
401 posts, read 126,744 times
Reputation: 513
To keep my answer short: Have her do chores, and if she doesnt do them (or if you really cannot stand her), kick her out
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Old 05-05-2018, 01:21 PM
 
1,046 posts, read 712,358 times
Reputation: 2000
She should be out of her own. Don’t allow any more boomerang “ kids” back in the house and you don’t have this problem.
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Old 05-05-2018, 01:26 PM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,737,691 times
Reputation: 31039
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharpydove View Post
She should be out of her own. Don’t allow any more boomerang “ kids” back in the house and you don’t have this problem.
I think it would be different if they had a good relationship to begin with. They didn't. Why she would even say "door always open if things don't work out" is beyond me. My relationship with my mother is nowhere near this dysfunctional, but when I moved out, we had kind of a light hearted but real conversation where we promised each other that we'd never try to live together again.
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Old 05-05-2018, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
15,581 posts, read 9,657,290 times
Reputation: 34380
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
I think it would be different if they had a good relationship to begin with. They didn't. Why she would even say "door always open if things don't work out" is beyond me. My relationship with my mother is nowhere near this dysfunctional, but when I moved out, we had kind of a light hearted but real conversation where we promised each other that we'd never try to live together again.

I'm the kind of parent who would, and did, take my two sons back in anytime they needed to do it. HOWEVER, and this is the big HOWEVER, they knew the rules and never took advantage of the situation.

Likewise, after my divorce, and after I broke up with my one GF, they took me in, but I also knew the rules. Tight families stick together, but everyone has to be sensitive to the other persons wishes when they come looking for a place to stay.
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Old 05-05-2018, 03:44 PM
 
Location: planet earth
2,901 posts, read 1,021,414 times
Reputation: 6602
I don't think this is a good or healthy situation for any of you.

I feel sorry for the dog. Please bring the dog inside during heat spells and make sure it has fresh food and water.

Your daughter CAN make other arrangements. She has a boyfriend, and probably friends she could find a place with.

I would give her a date by which to be out.

You say you don't like her anymore.

It's not going to get better.
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Old 05-05-2018, 06:31 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 9 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,240 posts, read 50,519,955 times
Reputation: 60110
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheerbliss View Post
Oddly enough, for all my parents' harping about my room, the rest of the house was a mess. (I'm not saying that's the case with the OP.) With my mother, it was all about how nobody helped her.
Hahaha, my mother was the same way. She would yell and scream about how no one helped her, but a kid isn't walking around thinking, "Gee, the living room looks as if it needs dusting, I think I will do that."

Wondering (i am not reading the whole thread) if this young woman cleaned when she was living away from her parents' home.
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