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Old 05-03-2018, 08:52 AM
 
1,068 posts, read 288,215 times
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You didn't do a good job when she was younger apparently. How a Texan doesn't understand the basics about caring for a dog is beyond me....

Now if you did in fact do everything you were supposed to when she was a minor then that's on her, kick her out and she can go back to living with the BF or some other guy.

It all depends on if she has another safe place to stay and is getting on your nerves enough.

First step is she either gets in line regarding the dog or you give it to an animal rescue. Make sure she doesn't release it because in TX they can lock you up for that to my knowledge. Good luck.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:14 AM
 
Location: Greater LA area
15,375 posts, read 11,306,343 times
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take care of the dog or give it away asap.


Regarding everything else:


Sit her down. Explain to her the houserules, what exactly is expected from her and what not and make her pay some rent. Either keep the rent or open an account and when she leaves, give it back to her. But she needs to pay something. Nothing is free in life.


If she doesn't like it - she can go. It is YOUR house, put down your foot.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:25 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,141 posts, read 574,130 times
Reputation: 1493
Quote:
Originally Posted by MechaMan View Post
You didn't do a good job when she was younger apparently. How a Texan doesn't understand the basics about caring for a dog is beyond me....

Now if you did in fact do everything you were supposed to when she was a minor then that's on her, kick her out and she can go back to living with the BF or some other guy.

It all depends on if she has another safe place to stay and is getting on your nerves enough.

First step is she either gets in line regarding the dog or you give it to an animal rescue. Make sure she doesn't release it because in TX they can lock you up for that to my knowledge. Good luck.
i think thats a really hurtful and mean thing to say. she did a great job as a mom. she let her daughter know that she could always come home no matter what happens. She obviously cares a lot. her daughter probabaly knows HOW to take care of a dog but is just lazy about it. Which is not good. But saying that Marylee didn't do a good job as a parent is really mean.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:31 AM
 
10,081 posts, read 6,288,024 times
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2 women living in the same house is often a nightmare.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:33 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,247 posts, read 13,052,668 times
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Marylee you have a long history of problems with your kids, tell me you didn't actually expect this to go without a hitch?
First off, shut the door to her bedroom and stay out. Don't allow her to take food in there but otherwise just leave it alone. You know you're going to go give it a thorough cleaning when she moves out anyway.
Second, if you want her help with chores then assign her a few to do daily or weekly, just don't expect that she'll do them on YOUR schedule, or that she should jump in and offer to help when the mood to clean strikes YOU.

If you want to make this work then don't have the attitude that it's your house your rules, (people don't do that with spouses) you need to work WITH her to be able to live TOGETHER. OTOH if you want her to leave, then go ahead with the heavy handed approach.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:34 AM
 
370 posts, read 166,754 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by picklejuice View Post
Your full grown "bird" does not belong in your empty nest. You are handicapping her NOT helping.
LOL , I helped my full grown bird buy his OWN condo. There is NO excuse for him to invade my nest . You do what you got to do.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:36 AM
 
Location: here
24,289 posts, read 28,232,228 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I'm not putting this on the parenting forum, because its NOT a parenting issue. At least not any longer!


My daughter left home her last year of high school, to live with her boyfriend. The BF and his friends and social group brought her down. They discouraged her from going to school, and WE ended up with truancy charges! I worked closely with the police and school system, so we were not eventually charged, but rather SHE faced a $400 fine or 2 weeks jail, all waived if she completed HS!However, she barely scraped by her senior year, when previously she was an honor student, "bound for glory" scholarships, etc. No, she said she left "because of me" although I could never honestly see what I was doing, except trying to raise her.


Well, that's over now. She's 22, has been living with BF or others for 4.5 years. She does have a full-time job and a car and is responsible about her bills, etc, never bumming money from us. I always told her if things went sour, she could always come home, but I meant as a soft landing, not as a permanent resident!


She's been here 2 weeks, and I'm trying to help her adjust and make things work out for her. I really would like to see her go back to school, at least a trade or technical school. something beyond just HS! We will see about that!


But its the "little things" that annoy me---


She has her own bedroom and bathroom, its like her own private suite. She never cleans it! Stuff all over the floor, laundry in piles, and never cleans her bathroom! I find myself cleaning her sink and toilet daily, empty the trash, etc. I rather pointedly put a large basket of cleaning supplies on the counter,including shower cleaner, but so far she has never cleaned the shower or mopped the floor. On the one hand, its her environment, if she wants to live like a pig, go ahead. On the other hand, this is a fairly new, and NICE house, bought for our retirement, and I want to maintain it!


She never offers to help out in the kitchen, either. She usually doesn't eat with us, due to her schedule, but she could give me a hand when she sees me mopping the floor, etc, or take out trash, etc. She's with her boyfriend most of the time she's off work, so I don't know why she "lives" here




My biggest irritation is her dog! she brought home a cute little puppy, about 4 months old. Its a sweet little thing, but she leaves me to care for it all day! I don't mind helping a little animal, but lots of times I don't know the dogs outside. I do NOT want to get into grilling her every time she leaves where are you going? when will you come back? She's an adult now. But three times in the past week I've found little puppy whimpering in the yard. She has a kennel for it and there's plenty of shade, but she forgets to put out enough water! She says well, I put water out this morning, guess she drank it all Duh---that means she needs MORE water during the day! We live in Central Texas and the heat gets brutal during the Summer months, which is fast approaching. We will have to have another solution....she can't just be out there all day.


I also asked about the dog's shots, especially rabies. She claimed the man she bought her from said she had the shots, but when I pressed, no, she didn't have paperwork. Last weekend, they were doing low-cost vaccines at the local shelter. I gave her the times and locations. It was $5 for just a rabies shot. We took one of our cats in, we offered to take the dog, she said oh, no, she would do it later. Then, she spent the weekend "hanging" with her friends, dog didn't get her shots, and next low-cost vaccine clinic is in July. I know if the dog bites someone I am responsible, because she's living here with us. For our vet to do the shots would be $78, $68 for an exam and $10 for the shot. I really feel we should not be "pennywise pound foolish" on this issue and just take the dog and get its shots, some day when she's at work. she need never know it, I save a major blowup, and the dog vaccine issue is taken care of.


That's what I'm trying to do, essentially, is avoid a major blowup. I'm really glad to have her home. I missed her and just wished for another chance to help her on her way into adulthood. I don't want to digress into squabbles about dog shots and who cleans her toilet. But this is more of an adjustment for me than I anticipated. I find myself avoiding her because I don't want to provoke arguments. sometimes its best to just pick your battles.


But this is turning into how things were before she left home. I would try to overlook
"little" things to keep the peace. Once thing I've learned, its not a "little issue" if it breaks the peace.


Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and am overjoyed she's come home so we can help her on her way. But the little things are getting to me.


Any advice for adult children moving back? How the family dynamics are affected, how to deal with them, how to recognize what's important and what's trivial? Suggestions, please!
My biggest issue with all of this is that she has no business having a dog.

Toilets and sinks do not need to be cleaned every day.

2 weeks is not permanent. Have you not talked about a long term plan? Seems like you need to. Maybe you allow her to stay if she cleans the bathroom weekly and goes back to school. If not, set a deadline for her to be out.

If she was fleeing a bad situation why is she still hanging out with the BF?
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:37 AM
 
10,081 posts, read 6,288,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by upsadaisy View Post
i think thats a really hurtful and mean thing to say. she did a great job as a mom. she let her daughter know that she could always come home no matter what happens. She obviously cares a lot. her daughter probabaly knows HOW to take care of a dog but is just lazy about it. Which is not good. But saying that Marylee didn't do a good job as a parent is really mean.
I agree...it was way too harsh. She just seems like she is stuck in a trap a lot of mothers get into. We do so much for them when they are little, sometimes we keep it up too long and then feel unappreciated, etc.

And I don't get the thing about being in Texas and knowing how to care for a dog. Tons of people in texas never have dogs. Its not part of the school system to teach them. How would everyone know?

OP, do you want to keep the dog? If you do, I would just tell her. "hey you are super busy...how about I own the dog and take care of it and then you can get all the fun cuddles when you have time".
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Old 05-03-2018, 10:11 AM
 
9,386 posts, read 14,717,306 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dothetwist View Post
She has a full-time job, you said. Help her find a place of her own.
Yes, she's had the same job for 5+ years, with 3 promotions, and is now in a supervisor position, so she is responsible and we're proud of that! We gave her a car for graduation, it was mine but I wanted another style. she has kept it up, oil changes, registration and tags up to date, pays her own insurance, etc.


I feel its important to note she's only been here two weeks. We've always told our kids they can come home if things go bad. I feel its important for them to have a safe landing at this time of their lives. Life doesn't always go in a straight line, despite our best efforts! In a way I'm "paying it forward".


Finding "a place of her own", is easier said than done. Rents are sky-high here! Even with a FT job, most in her income bracket share living quarters, if they can find such! She was living in a 4 bdr, 4 bath, she had one room and private bath, which seemed ok at first but it didn't work out. She wants to go back to school but can't afford it the way she is now. She's not a "bum", sleeping all day! I just want to see her spend her energy in a different direction!


The "problem", is really my long-term feelings about the matter. I was--and still am--overjoyed she's now willing to look towards her future. Its just that as the reality sets in, on a day-to-day basis, I find I'm more set in my ways than I realized. Also, past hurts and resentments are re-surfacing. I guess I just came here to vent, and looking to share experiences with other parents in a similar situation!


Thanks, everyone, for your input and please keep the responses coming! I suppose this is my group therapy!
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Old 05-03-2018, 10:18 AM
 
9,386 posts, read 14,717,306 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Oh, you want to keep the dog? Great! Go get it a license in your name, take it to the vet, bring it indoors and housebreak it. When she leaves, tell her the dog is yours, since she never took care of it. Besides, most places one rents wouldn't allow a dog.
I have no idea how she ended up with a dog to begin with! I understand she got it as a small puppy and it was an impulse. The problem with cute little puppies, they quickly grow into dogs! And, you're quite right, it would affect her ability to rent. I think we have ourselves a dog---along with our three cats
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