U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:20 AM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
2,957 posts, read 861,412 times
Reputation: 5081

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Any advice for adult children moving back? How the family dynamics are affected, how to deal with them, how to recognize what's important and what's trivial? Suggestions, please!
Well, I'm an adult daughter who moved back home at age 40 due to being burned out of my apartment building where I had been living for 14 years. I was waiting for the rebuild my landlord was promising he was going to do, so I could move back into that building. It never came, the work stopped after about 8 months (the insurance money ran out and the bank took over the building from what I was told), so after 15 months I found a large, beautiful (very cheap!) flat 2.5 miles away from my job, and I moved back out.

My (also retired) parents were awesome throughout the whole thing. They didn't charge me rent, because they knew I was saving up funds to replace the stuff that did need to be replaced and also to pay for 1st rent/security deposit (I did not have renter's on that 1st apartment), and we all wanted to see me living in my own place again. I paid for my own food (I was also on my own meal schedule due to my work hours), did my own laundry, and kept my living space clean. After 15 months I had enough money to pay cash for everything I needed to replace without making much of a dent in my finances (total moving costs were about $2,000).

That said - you aren't doing this woman any favors. She needs to take care of her own dog, clean her own living space (trash will attract vermin and bug infestations). Sounds like she is using you as a glorified maid. You need to tell her that she is going to contribute to the household or, as my dad would tell me when I was around that age, in school and still living at home and getting 'lippy" - "you can always find another place to live."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:31 AM
 
62 posts, read 24,494 times
Reputation: 128
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I have no idea how she ended up with a dog to begin with! I understand she got it as a small puppy and it was an impulse. The problem with cute little puppies, they quickly grow into dogs! And, you're quite right, it would affect her ability to rent. I think we have ourselves a dog---along with our three cats
You sound like a lovely lady who is pretty much aware of what's happening and as you stated "just wanted somewhere to vent" when you wrote your post. Good Luck to you and I'm glad you're going to keep the puppy!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:34 AM
 
6,964 posts, read 3,239,834 times
Reputation: 8080
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I didn't want to come down too heavy-handed at first since she was, essentially fleeing a bad situation. I just wanted her to feel welcome. also, its hard to come up with "specific rules" the first night shes here. It takes a week or so just to figure out what is annoying me, then address it.
Are drugs involved?

Regardless, if I was in your place, I would be strongly encouraging my daughter to get some professional psychological counseling as a condition of living in my home. It sounds like she still has a lot of issues to work out and things to process before she can fully become an adult. That's what I would say to her when making counseling a condition of living in my home.

Getting some counseling yourself might also be helpful, as this must be such a frustrating situation for you. A skilled professional should be able to help you develop tools so you can better communicate with your daughter, while also helping you deal with your (very normal) emotions at finding yourself in this situation. It would be a tough situation for any parent to find themselves in, so gift yourself with some extra support.

Hugs, and best wishes!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
2,957 posts, read 861,412 times
Reputation: 5081
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post

If you want to make this work then don't have the attitude that it's your house your rules, (people don't do that with spouses) you need to work WITH her to be able to live TOGETHER. OTOH if you want her to leave, then go ahead with the heavy handed approach.
But it IS the OP's house, so it should be the OP's rules. When the daughter has her own place and is paying her own bills with money she earned, THEN she can have a say in house rules. But until then, if she wants the OP to put the roof over her head, than she is going to have to deal with not being the queen of the castle.

My father said that to me for as long as I can remember, long before I turned 18, and that made it easier when I did have to move back home 3 years ago for a short time, because there was a clear understanding of who's word was actually the law in that household, and it wasn't mine! My parents are still my elders even if was 40 when I moved back in with them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
2,957 posts, read 861,412 times
Reputation: 5081
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
She wants to go back to school but can't afford it the way she is now.
She can take out loans, the same way most of us had to. Just make sure the money goes straight to the college, not to her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Midwest
3,073 posts, read 6,370,245 times
Reputation: 3918
Your daughter is NOT an adult. You and a counselor of some sort and your teenage daughter need to have a Come To Jesus meeting. Rules, responsibilities, goals, life plan for two, five, 10 years out.

DO NOT CLEAN HER ROOM. DO NOT CLEAN HER BATHROOM. TELL HER YOU'RE GOING TO REPORT HER IF SHE DOESN'T CARE FOR HER PUPPY PROPERLY. Someone will adopt a little puppy. Nobody but you will adopt your child daughter.

WHY did she move out from her beloved loser boyfriend and his loser friends?

Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
What I notice is that you have not set some rules about your household.

She should have specific chores, cleaning, laundry, food prep or clean up. Can she contribute cash towards food? What about dog food and supplies?

Sounds like you are letting her get away with everything that is annoying you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 11:22 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
12,434 posts, read 16,716,642 times
Reputation: 20702
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Marylee you have a long history of problems with your kids, tell me you didn't actually expect this to go without a hitch?
First off, shut the door to her bedroom and stay out. Don't allow her to take food in there but otherwise just leave it alone. You know you're going to go give it a thorough cleaning when she moves out anyway.
Second, if you want her help with chores then assign her a few to do daily or weekly, just don't expect that she'll do them on YOUR schedule, or that she should jump in and offer to help when the mood to clean strikes YOU.

If you want to make this work then don't have the attitude that it's your house your rules, (people don't do that with spouses) you need to work WITH her to be able to live TOGETHER. OTOH if you want her to leave, then go ahead with the heavy handed approach.

okay first off this is not the daughters bedroom it is a room in her parents house that she occupies for the time being . She should have to clean it , the daughter not the OP and the daughter should have enough respect for her mom and dads house to want to clean the room she is occupying . Put your foot down op no food in the bedrooms at all .
Ask her to please help you out by doing some chores like moping and sweeping not a lot to ask and ask her if she can afford to give you a lil something towards food or rent etc
IT IS THE OPS HOUSE NOT SAID ADULT CHILDS HOUSE AND IT SHOULD BE OPS RULES . . explain to her that in order to be able to live together she needs to follow the rules and if she does not then she will be asked to leave and tell her you are taking the dog because she does not have the time to be a full time doggy mom . sometimes it helps just to be straight on with people .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 11:27 AM
 
9,257 posts, read 14,337,048 times
Reputation: 14781
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dwatted Wabbit View Post
Your daughter is NOT an adult. You and a counselor of some sort and your teenage daughter need to have a Come To Jesus meeting. Rules, responsibilities, goals, life plan for two, five, 10 years out.

DO NOT CLEAN HER ROOM. DO NOT CLEAN HER BATHROOM. TELL HER YOU'RE GOING TO REPORT HER IF SHE DOESN'T CARE FOR HER PUPPY PROPERLY. Someone will adopt a little puppy. Nobody but you will adopt your child daughter.

WHY did she move out from her beloved loser boyfriend and his loser friends?




I think you missed something---she is 22.


IDK why she moved out from her living situation. She was living with her boyfriend, then moved into a shared living situation with 3 other ladies. The rent was affordable, but something happened with the other roommates. Her wallet was stolen twice, then she started keeping her purse inside her car. Then, her car window was broken and her wallet stolen again! The situation got ugly, in many other ways as well. This is the first and only time in 5 years she's asked us for help of any kind, so that says something right there!


I am concerned about the "puppy", since she is quickly growing. A puppy is adoptable, but the larger a dog becomes, the more difficult to re-home. I am disabled with mobility and balance issues, so taking care of a dog is difficult at best for me.


Obviously, there's a lot more to the story than I have the time or desire to go through. My main purpose in posting this is to vent some about how I feel suddenly having another person living here, even if she is my daughter. Like I stated earlier, this is not a re-hash of her growing up years. Things are different now. There's a lot of past hurt on my part that I'm trying not to dredge up to the surface and re-live. I want to go from this point onward. Its an adjustment for all concerned, including the dog!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 11:37 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
8,870 posts, read 12,651,485 times
Reputation: 17795
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
IT IS THE OPS HOUSE NOT SAID ADULT CHILDS HOUSE AND IT SHOULD BE OPS RULES
Quote:
Originally Posted by ContraPagan View Post
But it IS the OP's house, so it should be the OP's rules.
Yeah, I knew I'd get heat for that. Step back and pretend it's anyone other than your child, would you still approach it that way? The child is there, in my world she's be paying some sort of rent or doing other things to pay her way, but that is between OP and her daughter.
BUT if, big if, the OP wants a relatively stress-less, peaceful coexistence with her grown daughter she's better off not to take a heavy handed approach and treat her more like a roommate or tenant. In other words treat her with the same respect she'd like shown to herself, and work towards a solution together. Nobody likes being given ultimatums and it will only increase the strife, don't think that's really what the OP is after.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Sugarland
12,420 posts, read 10,915,522 times
Reputation: 13710
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I think you missed something---she is 22.


IDK why she moved out from her living situation. She was living with her boyfriend, then moved into a shared living situation with 3 other ladies. The rent was affordable, but something happened with the other roommates. Her wallet was stolen twice, then she started keeping her purse inside her car. Then, her car window was broken and her wallet stolen again! The situation got ugly, in many other ways as well. This is the first and only time in 5 years she's asked us for help of any kind, so that says something right there!


I am concerned about the "puppy", since she is quickly growing. A puppy is adoptable, but the larger a dog becomes, the more difficult to re-home. I am disabled with mobility and balance issues, so taking care of a dog is difficult at best for me.


Obviously, there's a lot more to the story than I have the time or desire to go through. My main purpose in posting this is to vent some about how I feel suddenly having another person living here, even if she is my daughter. Like I stated earlier, this is not a re-hash of her growing up years. Things are different now. There's a lot of past hurt on my part that I'm trying not to dredge up to the surface and re-live. I want to go from this point onward. Its an adjustment for all concerned, including the dog!
I can understand that itís an adjustment since she hasnít lived with you in a long time. Itís your house and youíre used to things being a certain way. But I do think youíre being unreasonable about the cleanliness stuff. Sheís only been there TWO weeks and youíre complaining that she hasnít mopped the floor? I guess youíd go nuts if you heard how long I can go without mopping. My mom is a neat freak too, but the difference is that I have my own house so I answer to no one, thank goodness!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top