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Old 05-03-2018, 01:00 PM
 
9,257 posts, read 14,337,048 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Macrina View Post
Merrylee, I'm wondering if you and DD have had conversations about the puppy? Does DD know and understand about your physical issues and the danger of your falling, etc? Your well-being and safety should be a paramount consideration, and since your daughter isn't even around to see or understand the puppy mayhem, she needs to hear about it from you. IMHO, of course.

I do think the puppy problem is the first one with which to deal.

The other issues are really important, because it seems you are needing for forge a whole new relationship with DD, on a woman-to-woman basis, melding in with the mother-daughter part. Of course she'll always be your daughter and you love her, it's just the day to day part of living together for this period of time which perhaps needs clarifying and bolstering.

.


No, actually, I haven't had a chance yet to discuss the dog issues with her. Do remember, she's only been here not quite two weeks. It takes time for a problem to manifest, then discuss it! However, I am gearing up to discuss it with her. I would like to wait until this weekend, when my husband is available to help in the discussion.


What you said, we need to forge a whole new relationship, really sums this issue up First, I just wanted to get her out of the situation she was in. Just get out of there! she ended up leaving some stuff that I convinced her wasn't that important and paid the last month's rent, just to clear out. That wasn't the time for a discussion about who cleans the bathroom Also, I didn't know she had a dog then. Let me make it clear she was NOT living with boyfriend for about the past year. I don't think they actually broke up, but have grown apart, which is fine with me!


I asked her why she couldn't leave the dog with BF, and she indicated he wasn't willing to take it. Knowing what I do about him, I don't think he would take very good care of her -- the dog -- anyways!


It isn't an easy situation, and there's no easy answers. What's past is past, and we both need to move on from here. To say this is all because I didn't get enough counseling in the past is ludicrous! It was the damned counseling which inflamed the situation to begin with and gave both kids the idea they ran the show! Yes, that's right, I have another child, my son has moved out and appears to be doing ok. He's another topic.


Right now, I just want DD to have some stability, and go to school. Our contribution towards school will be free room, board, her car, and paid medical and dental insurance. She will be expected to continue to work FT, and pay her own college expenses, which will be less than her living expenses, at least here in Texas! College tuition is a bargain compared to the cost of housing!
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:08 PM
 
9,257 posts, read 14,337,048 times
Reputation: 14781
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
I don't think I like her anymore. After five years of being avoided, or smart-mouthed, I'm not inclined to start a re-do of the family years. I would like to keep the dog.....


Please note the time I posted this. Late at night-or early AM, however you wish to call it! Late at night, alone, awake, feeling depressed and trying to sort out my feelings! Actually, I didn't much like her then!

Having someone move into your home is always a stress, regardless of who the person is and the circumstances. It is an adjustment, and I'm feeling my way. Yes, we had issues in the past. Judging from other threads on this board, I'm not the only parent who's ever had issues with their kids. I'm treading with caution, less I step into past puddles. The current ones are enough!

Being a parent to an adult is different than parenting children. New day, new circumstances
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,361 posts, read 7,167,156 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
No, actually, I haven't had a chance yet to discuss the dog issues with her. Do remember, she's only been here not quite two weeks. It takes time for a problem to manifest, then discuss it! However, I am gearing up to discuss it with her. I would like to wait until this weekend, when my husband is available to help in the discussion.


What you said, we need to forge a whole new relationship, really sums this issue up First, I just wanted to get her out of the situation she was in. Just get out of there! she ended up leaving some stuff that I convinced her wasn't that important and paid the last month's rent, just to clear out. That wasn't the time for a discussion about who cleans the bathroom Also, I didn't know she had a dog then. Let me make it clear she was NOT living with boyfriend for about the past year. I don't think they actually broke up, but have grown apart, which is fine with me!

<<snip>>
Well this is great timing, then, as the week-end looms!

As far as the changing relationship with her is concerned, just remember to keep talking, and also that she is a young adult now. Also, know that sometimes when young adults "come home" they start feeling less adult, and get sort of stuck emotionally in the same place they were when last living there. And that it's a come-down of sorts. And, she is surely wanting you to know and see that's she's 'grown-up', and hoping you can see progress in her development, even if these things aren't mentioned aloud.

This new relationship between the three of you can be great! But it takes amazing amounts of patience and wisdom. Definitely worth the hard work it may be.

So....to generally give her the benefit of the doubt on issues and also lots of encouragement and affirmation could be helpful for her. Remembering to treat her as an adult, with all the commensurate rights and responsibilities will be helpful.

.
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:38 PM
 
27,415 posts, read 10,425,564 times
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Once listened to Erma Bombeck talk about how if we treated our friends like we do our children.

Loretta, use your napkin for heavens sakes. Were you raised by wolves?

Edna, are you the one who left your shoes in the hallway? What's the matter with you?

...

You get the picture.

For the most part, parenting ends at about age 16. From the on out we sympathize with their setbacks, celebrate their successes, and send them back out into the world.

You are all adults now, and as you say, it's time to forge adult relationships.
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:40 PM
 
27,415 posts, read 10,425,564 times
Reputation: 18226
We often have adults stay with us for weeks at a time. Medical students on rotation. Relatives getting their feet on the ground while they job hunt. Foreign grad students while they search out new housing. They stay in our guest room and share a bathroom. They regularly eat with us.

In return, we expect them to be pleasant to us, and keep the bathroom tidy. Most help a bit with meal prep. No one brings a dog.

It usually works out and they appreciate the free room and board. If there are problems, we mention them and figure out a solution. Only once have we had to ask someone to find another housing situation.

Perhaps thinking of her as a student staying for a short time would help you both set and meet expectations.
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:41 PM
 
27,415 posts, read 10,425,564 times
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By the way, though it is admirable that you offered her a safe haven during a difficult time, has she made any steps to keep this difficult time from happening again?
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Centre of the continent
494 posts, read 161,345 times
Reputation: 1981
To start - the dog needs to find a decent home. Either you keep the little mite and get him vaccinated and take responsibility, or get him a decent home. He's getting to the age where it's harder to find homes for puppies, so the sooner you decide the better.

Back to the main event - I'm in a very similar situation as you, OP, in that my 23 year old daughter moved back in a few months ago after spending a couple of years off on her own. And similarly, it was because things in her life had gotten tough. We had no problems with it. In fact her dad and I were glad, for various reasons.

What we did was give her a month to settle in. And in her case - she'd had to transfer locations for work so she needed to get a couple of paycheques and catch up on some bills. After that month, we had a sit down meeting where we told dd what we expected of her and let her have input on how she saw things going. We told her that as she was an adult, we expected her to act like one. She'd had enough bad roommates in the last few years that all we have to do is mention one of their names to get dd to see that there's an issue. lol

The big difference between the OP and my family is that we don't find dd annoying, and we genuinely like her. It hasn't been perfect, my husband and I had gotten used to being empty nesters and were enjoying it, and it was intrusive to have another adult in the house. Not to mention that our food bills increased more than we expected. But oh well, we're happy to help.
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:58 PM
 
Location: State of Washington (2016)
3,116 posts, read 2,028,897 times
Reputation: 11452
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Yes, she's had the same job for 5+ years, with 3 promotions, and is now in a supervisor position, so she is responsible and we're proud of that! We gave her a car for graduation, it was mine but I wanted another style. she has kept it up, oil changes, registration and tags up to date, pays her own insurance, etc.


I feel its important to note she's only been here two weeks. We've always told our kids they can come home if things go bad. I feel its important for them to have a safe landing at this time of their lives. Life doesn't always go in a straight line, despite our best efforts! In a way I'm "paying it forward".

. . .:

Actually 2 weeks isn't all that long so it isn't too late for you to voice your expectations. I would not be heavy handed about it but simply let her know:

"Okay, I love having you here for awhile and I want you have a good life and be happy. Have you given any thought to your future? Did you want to take some classes or pursue an interest? You need to be able to take care of yourself financially and I worry about that. I could help you find a place with roommates, or a studio apartment. I am here to help you but as you are now an adult, I'm sure you want to be treated like one and I'm sure you want to pull your weight while you are here. I am not expecting money from you because I want you to save it for your own place, but I do expect you to clean up after yourself - there is no maid service here.

As for the puppy, you really don't have time to devote to a dog that young and they can be a handful. Perhaps he would be better off in a new home or we can discuss my adopting him and taking care of his shots, etc. That way, whenever you visit in the future, you would be able to see him too., etc."

If you decide to let her stay longer than a couple of months, then she would have to be in school or paying some amount towards her own upkeep. Don't enable her, you aren't doing her any favors.
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Old 05-03-2018, 02:01 PM
Status: "Choose life - support BSL" (set 3 days ago)
 
640 posts, read 152,886 times
Reputation: 1619
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Seems like this is turning into a discussion about the dog!


She is quickly becoming a management problem. We have a backyard, and she spends most of her time there, but that won't do when the weather gets hot, which is any day now! The heat in Texas during the summer can be brutal!


She barks a lot, and I'm concerned neighbors will complain, although there are other barking dogs in the area. Seems they all like to have a doggie coffee clatch! I brought her in to stop the barking, which did seem to settle the others down. However, she started chasing my elderly, blind cat around! Then, she piddled on the floor I finally put her back outside, after some food, water, cooling off and some attention.


I truly don't know much about dogs--although I'm learning! I feel at her age -- 4 months -- she needs more attention or she will develop negative traits that will continue throughout adulthood, when she is more difficult to manage.


Meanwhile, DD does work, often long hours and comes home exhausted. She should have thought of that before taking on the responsibility of a pet. I can't become the main dog caretaker. Like I said, I'm disabled, and have both mobility and balance issues. The dog nearly tripped me several times. Also, I can't have an animal piddle on the floor. We recently paid $15,000 for hardwood floors, and new carpet. We wouldn't have done that if we had small children or a dog, but this is our retirement home, we wanted to make it the way we want it!


We have a small workshop/shed with electricity. We could install a window AC for the dog during the heat, but still, she would lack the interaction she craves. It would be like a jail cell with AC Much as I hate to do it, I really think the dog needs to be re-homed. Its the only realistic option, for all concerned.
I do not understand why so many people in Texas think it's appropriate to leave dogs outside all the time in the yard! You said you are learning, good for you! You are absolutely right about learning bad habits now that will make it a nightmare in adulthood. What kind of little puppy is it? The puppy needs to be inside with you and it needs to be housetrained and taught how to behave in a civilized way so that it is a pleasure to have in the home. Dogs, like children, do not come from the womb knowing what is expected of them. I would suggest crate training - that is the best, fastest, and safest way to house train a puppy. You can google countless articles and videos on how to go about this. In a nutshell, when you can't be 100% focused on the puppy, it stays in the crate. It then goes straight from the crate, to outside to "go potty". If the puppy does its business, then it gets some time to play and run around. If it doesn't, it goes back into the crate and you try again in 15-20 minutes - no "business", no freedom! If the dog is out and you have to make a phone call, go to the toilet, put a load of laundry in, etc., into the crate it goes. It should always go from the crate to outside until it is reliably housetrained.

Teach the puppy not to bark by the "quiet" command. I don't allow barking at all as I live in multi-family housing but some people allow an alert bark or two and then tell the dogs to quiet. Teach the puppy basic obedience, heel, sit, stay, come, wait, down, etc. Take a class and/or watch videos and/or read books. Do not fall for "purely positive" or "force-free" although young puppies don't need a lot of corrections - corrections are for after they know what they are be asked to do, but disobey. The puppy stage is for learning and they learn very quickly. If you are interested, I would suggest this book: https://www.amazon.com/Training-Your...by+step+manual . It is an excellent, classic book geared towards the layman so it is easy to understand and well laid out. If you follow the 6-week program, you are well on your way to a well-trained dog. The sooner you start, the better. If you are going to keep the dog (and make no mistake, this will be YOUR dog), then put the effort in now to create a pleasant, well-trained companion that you will be happy to have in your home. It isn't that difficult although it does mean devoting 30 minutes or so each day actively training, but will pay off in spades. A lot of this training you can do, even if disabled (depending on disability), but if you can't, find someone that can - a husband, trainer, dog walker, etc. If you can't do these things, please rehome the dog while she is still young enough to be easily placed (depending on the breed). Good luck!

The "place" command is invaluable for keeping calm in the house - keeping the dog from being under foot, chasing the cats, bothering you at the meal table, jumping on houseguests, etc.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIGq_5r0DeE
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Old 05-03-2018, 02:14 PM
 
8,618 posts, read 7,067,762 times
Reputation: 5193
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
2 women living in the same house is often a nightmare.
It doesn't need to be. I lived with my in laws for a time. My son and his wife needed to live with us for 2 months until they found a house due to a sudden job transfer. My mom lived with us 18 years. DH grandmother lived with them 30 years. Both daughters moved home to attend grad school.

For the poster, close the door and be glad she is there so you can assess how she is.

As far as the dog is concerned, bite the bullet and take the dog for its shots. Like another poster said, it will be hard for her to rent with a pet. That's your dog, train it right. We had a couple that were gifts from the kids.

Like my daughter told me when she came home to go to grad school with her dog, at least it's a dog, not a baby.
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