U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:42 AM
 
9,830 posts, read 5,908,415 times
Reputation: 22554

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
My next-door neighbor has twins from donor eggs and her husband's sperm.

I do think it's something the children should know at some point but I really don't think it's as important to be upfront about the details from day one as it is with adoption, especially when there are no other children in the family.

There is no "birth mother" who carried these twins and then handed them off after birth. The woman who donated eggs did so voluntarily, not because she was in a position where she couldn't or didn't want to care for a child. The woman they call their mother carried and gave birth to them; she is their ONLY mother. So the same emotions and complications involved in adoption are not there.

Just for the sake of the medical aspect, of course they should know at some point. I don't think it needs to be at age 2 or 3. Being conceived from a donor egg is too much information and too confusing for a preschooler. At some time when discussion gets more detailed than "babies grow in the mommy's tummy," it could be brought up. Maybe age 8-10. I think a child that age is mature enough to understand and handle it, but won't get too freaked out about "Why didn't you tell me before?!" I do agree that going off to college is a little late.
I qualified my statement by saying it was adoption. Eggs and sperm are a too difficult for that age. But 4 or 5 would be totally ok to *start* the topic. It isn't a one and done conversation. It develops over years.

But no...its not one mom. Its the genetic make up of the child. That is something big, primal and important too. Just because they bought the eggs doesn't mean that connection or curiosity isn't there.




As to the comment in thread about things working for different families...that is true. But this isn't one of those cases. There is a huge difference in knowing you are adopted your entire life and learning how to embrace that as part of who you are, and dealing with feelings as they come up at different ages then at 8 learning you are adopted. I cant even imagine how much my world would have been rocked if I learned I was adopted at 8. It would have me questioning everything. And it would send the really big message that my birth family isn't important and lead to potential shame, anger, pain, confusion, suppression to the natural feelings about being placed for adoption and being adopted.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:49 AM
 
22 posts, read 6,170 times
Reputation: 69
Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
My next-door neighbor has twins from donor eggs and her husband's sperm.

I do think it's something the children should know at some point but I really don't think it's as important to be upfront about the details from day one as it is with adoption, especially when there are no other children in the family.

There is no "birth mother" who carried these twins and then handed them off after birth. The woman who donated eggs did so voluntarily, not because she was in a position where she couldn't or didn't want to care for a child. The woman they call their mother carried and gave birth to them; she is their ONLY mother. So the same emotions and complications involved in adoption are not there.

Just for the sake of the medical aspect, of course they should know at some point. I don't think it needs to be at age 2 or 3. Being conceived from a donor egg is too much information and too confusing for a preschooler. At some time when discussion gets more detailed than "babies grow in the mommy's tummy," it could be brought up. Maybe age 8-10. I think a child that age is mature enough to understand and handle it, but won't get too freaked out about "Why didn't you tell me before?!" I do agree that going off to college is a little late.
I think this is an important distinction to make. Egg donors are paid in most cases. This is not the same thing as giving up a child for adoption. Same goes for sperm donors. The eggs are harvested during an outpatient procedure-- there is no delivery, no pregnancy, no feeling the fetus kick. I don't see this as having the same emotional weight for a donor or the resulting child as an adoption. That said, it is part of a child's history and in particular medical history.

I do think its interesting to consider whether or not someone wants to meet their donor as an adult. I recall reading a story somewhere-- maybe the New Yorker? about a man who was a sperm donor to several women and ended up meeting some of his bio offspring by chance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 10:55 AM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
9,665 posts, read 2,645,498 times
Reputation: 10856
Quote:
Originally Posted by desperatedogadvice View Post
In fairness, I think different strategies work best for different families.


Agreed. Everyone needs to do what's best for their family. At 18 they are mature enough to understand and I think they should know because at some point they will figure it on their own and they will be pissed about not learning from the parents.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 12:10 PM
 
Location: Follow the oil exhaust cloud until you run out of gas, then turn left
504 posts, read 131,645 times
Reputation: 1009
Quote:
So if you were in this situation, would you tell your child? Why or why not?





If you knew my family, it sure would explain a few things and answer a few questions. Would probably result in an "AHA! I KNEW IT!" situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 03:46 PM
Status: "getting ready for the collapse" (set 19 hours ago)
 
Location: The Hammocks in W. Kendall
16 posts, read 922 times
Reputation: 25
Conceived from donated eggs-- would you tell your child?

Of Course.....Truth IS the way to always do things right.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 06:53 PM
Status: "ride into the sun" (set 13 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
16,898 posts, read 20,723,646 times
Reputation: 41028
Quote:
Originally Posted by desperatedogadvice View Post
An interesting question came up recently in my social circle. An acquaintance had fertility issues and conceived three children from donor eggs. The donor was anonymous and it was all run through a fertility clinic. One of the children is turning 18 and going off to college. She is debating telling her child about her method of conception as it does have some health history implications. As far as I know in our state, these records are sealed as to the identity of the donor, but the resulting child can find out information about health matters. There is actually a movement to unseal the records for the bio children to meet the donors but that has not happened yet.

So if you were in this situation, would you tell your child? Why or why not?
Donors are rigorously screened for medical issues. So, the whole medical record argument really doesn't hold water here. The parents know the details of the donor's biological family medical history at least as well as biological parents do. If not more.

My greatest concern is that an aquaintance told YOU about it, but did not tell her children.

I find that concerning and irresponsible on the paren't part.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 08:19 PM
 
961 posts, read 345,800 times
Reputation: 1671
Quote:
Originally Posted by desperatedogadvice View Post
An interesting question came up recently in my social circle. An acquaintance had fertility issues and conceived three children from donor eggs. The donor was anonymous and it was all run through a fertility clinic. One of the children is turning 18 and going off to college. She is debating telling her child about her method of conception as it does have some health history implications. As far as I know in our state, these records are sealed as to the identity of the donor, but the resulting child can find out information about health matters. There is actually a movement to unseal the records for the bio children to meet the donors but that has not happened yet.

So if you were in this situation, would you tell your child? Why or why not?
Yes, because in today’s day and age they will find out and when they do it won’t be pretty. With dna testing being done for genealogy purposes it is risky to try and hide it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 08:43 PM
 
Location: here
24,039 posts, read 27,597,982 times
Reputation: 29580
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Donors are rigorously screened for medical issues. So, the whole medical record argument really doesn't hold water here. The parents know the details of the donor's biological family medical history at least as well as biological parents do. If not more.

My greatest concern is that an aquaintance told YOU about it, but did not tell her children.

I find that concerning and irresponsible on the paren't part.
No one is in perfect health, and the parents knowing about it doesn't help the 18 year old filling out her family medical history at the doctor's office.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 08:55 PM
 
Location: Greater NYC
2,802 posts, read 4,518,962 times
Reputation: 3577
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Donors are rigorously screened for medical issues. So, the whole medical record argument really doesn't hold water here. The parents know the details of the donor's biological family medical history at least as well as biological parents do. If not more.

My greatest concern is that an aquaintance told YOU about it, but did not tell her children.

I find that concerning and irresponsible on the paren't part.
THIS. Every point. Disheartening for her children on all accounts. And I say that being very close to someone who used donor sperm to conceive her child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2018, 09:13 PM
 
Location: Manchester, MO—>East Cobb, GA 30062
509 posts, read 198,309 times
Reputation: 703
It will be important for your neighbor's daughter so she can know the egg donor's medical history for one thing.

I know this is extremely unlikely, but it’s important to know who her bio mom is because she’s 18 and is probably dating or will be soon. It would be quite a nasty shock if she finds out she’s dating a half-sibling or a cousin.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 - Top