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Old 05-03-2018, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,218 posts, read 97,355,967 times
Reputation: 30674

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Skeffington View Post
My oldest DD is in this exact situation. Long story short, after years of trying to have a baby, she and her husband were told he would be unable to father children (low sperm count). They went to a fertility clinic and selected a sperm donor, who is the biological father of my oldest grandchild (now 4 1/2). As often happens, DD became pregnant when oldest grandson was 1 1/2...this time by her DH. They had never practiced birth control, because they thought they didn't need to. She miscarried. Her OBGYN said it was a one in a million chance and would probably not happen again. It did...a year later, and she carried the baby to term. Their second son is now 1 1/2.

They plan on telling oldest grandson as soon as he is old enough to understand...in a year or two. They already bought a children's book explaining it, and dwelling on the message "it doesn't matter how you got here, you are our own child, and we love you". As DD puts it, she wants him to adjust to the truth of his situation as soon as possible. What she's afraid of most is his harboring resentment someday toward his little brother, who is her DH's natural child.

There's already been a similar situation in son in law's family...his oldest brother was also unable to conceive, and they adopted a baby boy. They also told him the truth when he was 7 or 8, and he adjusted fine.
I know this is sort of off topic, but. . . That doesn't happen often. It's hard to find statistics, as this article states: https://creatingafamily.org/adoption...fter-adopting/ (References to IVF as well)

I remember back in the late 60s, when I was in college, a neighbor had several miscarriages. Another neighbor thought it was "God's will" because this woman was "hyper" and probably "couldn't cope" with kids. We moved away shortly thereafter; I don't know if she ever had a successful pregnancy.

Fast forward 15 years or so to the early 1980s, when I was trying to get pregnant, I heard the same type of drivel. "Relax"! "It'll happen when you least expect it"; "You're too hyper"! All said by people who had no problem getting pregnant themselves, mind you. I did get pregnant, on Clomid. Twice.

Fast forward to today. My daughter is TTC, she hears the same garbage. She and my SIL are seeing a fertility specialist.

So nothing has changed in 50 years! People still cling to these ideas that women who can't get pregnant have some problem that they personally don't have. IME, those with lesser education talk about "God's will" and the like; those with more education like to ascribe a psychiatric disorder to the infertile woman.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:26 PM
Status: ""Plays well with other children"" (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
17,211 posts, read 21,269,997 times
Reputation: 42672
Quote:
Originally Posted by Idlewile View Post
THIS. Every point. Disheartening for her children on all accounts. And I say that being very close to someone who used donor sperm to conceive her child.
Agreed! I am not at all against the procedure. And, since I had POF (Premature Ovarian Failure) and I am an RN (currently inactive) I know a bit about this.

When we could not have a second child, we explored this option. In the end, we chose international adoption.

As a parent by both birth and adoption, I can not help but feel that these children have been betrayed.
This is the CHILD does not know, than NO ONE should know!

There are reasons why one would and would not tell a child this info. Most people who choose this, do so because they want a child with a historically clean bill of health who looks like them, has a donor parent with a high IQ, and who is accomplished and healthy.

Some parents do not tell their children, most do.

I think it's personal choice. Some donor moms and dads do NOT want to be searched out.

THAT IS NOT THIS CRUX OF THIS ISSUE!

How could a parent, give private information to the general public - i.e. an acquaintance and NOT to their child? What if the child finds out from a source other than the parent?
Can anyone imagine the feelings of betrayal that would ensue?

There are no shades of grey here. Once a parent has told a non family member who is not a friend but an acquaintance, that horse is out of the barn.

This is profoundly sad.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,218 posts, read 97,355,967 times
Reputation: 30674
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Donors are rigorously screened for medical issues. So, the whole medical record argument really doesn't hold water here. The parents know the details of the donor's biological family medical history at least as well as biological parents do. If not more.

My greatest concern is that an aquaintance told YOU about it, but did not tell her children.

I find that concerning and irresponsible on the paren't part.
Yes. I'm reminded of the old saying "Three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead". I once read a murder mystery by that title. Think about it. If you tell ONE person, and they don't tell anyone else, you're OK. By the time three know, it's all over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccernerd View Post
It will be important for your neighbor's daughter so she can know the egg donor's medical history for one thing.

I know this is extremely unlikely, but it’s important to know who her bio mom is because she’s 18 and is probably dating or will be soon. It would be quite a nasty shock if she finds out she’s dating a half-sibling or a cousin.
Is that information available?
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Old 05-04-2018, 01:16 AM
 
2,957 posts, read 1,502,889 times
Reputation: 14190
Everyone has a right to know their true family medical history. It is evil to withhold that critical information just because it might be uncomfortable for the mother to reveal it.
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:32 AM
 
2,346 posts, read 1,193,117 times
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Yes, she needs to tell them. It is important going forward for health reasons. Iím adopted and my parents told me when I was really young - so young I donít remember but I know it was well before 5. Iíve needed that health info and/or additional screening if unknown. A prime example of this is during pregnancy when theyíll send you for an additional scan for anatomy.
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Old 05-04-2018, 08:00 AM
 
5,308 posts, read 3,159,167 times
Reputation: 13135
Quote:
Originally Posted by annabanana123 View Post
Yes, she needs to tell them. It is important going forward for health reasons. Iím adopted and my parents told me when I was really young - so young I donít remember but I know it was well before 5. Iíve needed that health info and/or additional screening if unknown. A prime example of this is during pregnancy when theyíll send you for an additional scan for anatomy.
Of course I agree with the general point of wanting to know one's health history, but this specific detail seems so odd to me. Women who were adopted get different care during pregnancy?
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Old 05-04-2018, 09:40 AM
 
800 posts, read 1,451,650 times
Reputation: 705
This thread is interesting. I recently listened to a podcast where a woman did a DNA kit and found out that her father was not really her father. (She matched to someone else that had done a DNA kit and reached out). She was pretty devastated as her real father had recently passed away.
I think that it's important for a child to know this - perhaps not as a small child but as an older teen adult.
On a second note, I am a two time anonymous egg donor. I did it after I had my first two children. I feel no "emotional tie" to those donated eggs but I would be thrilled if sometime in the future, any resulting offsping did try to look me up.
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Old 05-04-2018, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
4,496 posts, read 4,646,226 times
Reputation: 10286
Quote:
Originally Posted by desperatedogadvice View Post
An interesting question came up recently in my social circle. An acquaintance had fertility issues and conceived three children from donor eggs. The donor was anonymous and it was all run through a fertility clinic. One of the children is turning 18 and going off to college. She is debating telling her child about her method of conception as it does have some health history implications. As far as I know in our state, these records are sealed as to the identity of the donor, but the resulting child can find out information about health matters. There is actually a movement to unseal the records for the bio children to meet the donors but that has not happened yet.

So if you were in this situation, would you tell your child? Why or why not?
The children should be told especially since everyone else knows - apparently even acquaintances.
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Old 05-04-2018, 10:31 AM
 
3,192 posts, read 3,135,966 times
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We have a good friends who used donor egg. I don't think they've told the child, who is now a young adult. Nowadays, she's surely going to find out, because of DNA. I think they should have told her, but she has half sibs who might not have viewed her as really their sister, so I think that's why they kept it quiet.

Not gonna be good when she finally finds out.
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Old 05-04-2018, 10:51 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
33,480 posts, read 41,687,330 times
Reputation: 54996
It could have been included as just routine information when the child was small, but now it will be a big revelation.
I know a person whose son was born buy surrogate, with the surrogates egg, and she waited too long to tell her son, so it became a big deal.
I would have simply said that ďMommyís womb was broken, so a very nice lady helped daddy and I make you.Ē At 18, telling someone their life has been a lie could go badly.
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