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Old 05-04-2018, 01:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by desperatedogadvice View Post
An interesting question came up recently in my social circle. An acquaintance had fertility issues and conceived three children from donor eggs. The donor was anonymous and it was all run through a fertility clinic. One of the children is turning 18 and going off to college. She is debating telling her child about her method of conception as it does have some health history implications. As far as I know in our state, these records are sealed as to the identity of the donor, but the resulting child can find out information about health matters. There is actually a movement to unseal the records for the bio children to meet the donors but that has not happened yet.

So if you were in this situation, would you tell your child? Why or why not?
Tell. Honesty is the best policy, and the odds of the child finding out are HUGE at this point. So many people are getting DNA tests at some point in their lives that it is quite likely they will find out.
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Old 05-04-2018, 01:07 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
We have a good friends who used donor egg. I don't think they've told the child, who is now a young adult. Nowadays, she's surely going to find out, because of DNA. I think they should have told her, but she has half sibs who might not have viewed her as really their sister, so I think that's why they kept it quiet.

Not gonna be good when she finally finds out.
As you have pointed out, there are reasons for not telling "too" soon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
It could have been included as just routine information when the child was small, but now it will be a big revelation.
I know a person whose son was born buy surrogate, with the surrogates egg, and she waited too long to tell her son, so it became a big deal.
I would have simply said that “Mommy’s womb was broken, so a very nice lady helped daddy and I make you.” At 18, telling someone their life has been a lie could go badly.
TBH, I don't think any of us knows exactly what we would have done when. Anything you say can be misinterpreted, e.g. "broken womb", "nice lady", etc. At 18 they at least know "the facts of life".
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Old 05-04-2018, 02:38 PM
 
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I don't get it. What did she tell the kid when he asked about his father? She must have made up a story, which would be lying...in a big way. And she perpetuated that how? Didn't the kid ask for pictures or about their life, etc.? And how did she connect the other 2 kids to all this. Must have been a hard story to concoct and carry out through so many years. I couldn't do it. Couldn't live with myself carrying that kind of deceit from my kid. It's like a big part of their relationship if fake - all made up/covered up.

If you can't be open and are going to lie about something so important and intimate I don't see why you'd want a relationship at all. Seems like it would be painful to live with because there is a big part you won't allow yourself (or the kid) to be connected to.
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused View Post
I don't get it. What did she tell the kid when he asked about his father? She must have made up a story, which would be lying...in a big way. And she perpetuated that how? Didn't the kid ask for pictures or about their life, etc.? And how did she connect the other 2 kids to all this. Must have been a hard story to concoct and carry out through so many years. I couldn't do it. Couldn't live with myself carrying that kind of deceit from my kid. It's like a big part of their relationship if fake - all made up/covered up.

If you can't be open and are going to lie about something so important and intimate I don't see why you'd want a relationship at all. Seems like it would be painful to live with because there is a big part you won't allow yourself (or the kid) to be connected to.
Who are you referring to? The OP is talking about someone conceived with donor eggs. The kid's father is presumably the mother's husband. Why would anyone question who their father is if they felt there was no reason to question?
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:18 PM
 
11,891 posts, read 9,595,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
[]

There is no "birth mother" who carried these twins and then handed them off after birth. The woman who donated eggs did so voluntarily, not because she was in a position where she couldn't or didn't want to care for a child. The woman they call their mother carried and gave birth to them; she is their ONLY mother. So the same emotions and complications involved in adoption are not there.

[]
Quote:
Originally Posted by desperatedogadvice View Post
I think this is an important distinction to make. Egg donors are paid in most cases. This is not the same thing as giving up a child for adoption. Same goes for sperm donors. The eggs are harvested during an outpatient procedure-- there is no delivery, no pregnancy, no feeling the fetus kick. I don't see this as having the same emotional weight for a donor or the resulting child as an adoption. ...

[]
And for these reasons I feel it would be inappropriate to open up records and let children conceived using donor eggs find out who the egg donor is/was. The eggs were never a real actual person who grew inside her to the person who is the egg donor. It's much more like a business transaction than adoption. There are women who donate their eggs to make some money, and who never want kids/kids are not on their radar.

There is an amazing story of a youtube family, a gay couple whose best friend donated her eggs so they could have twins. Then their SIL (one of the dads' brother's wife) was the surrogate. They used one dad's sperm for one baby and the other's for the other - and they don't know whose baby is biologically whose nor will they ever find out, which I think is pretty cool. Anyway, their friend, the egg donor, has never wanted kids, never will have them, doesn't even like them, and said she has zero maternal instinct. They have done interviews with her on their channel and she has said she doesn't feel like their mother and will never call herself that. The twins will call her aunt when they get older. There is no connection, she didn't feel like she wanted them when she saw them shortly after birth.

I think it's interesting how a story like hers differs so much (at least, can differ) from adoption. I imagine there would be even more of a disconnect for anonymous egg donors who won't get to see the children grow and who have no idea who used their eggs or where.

I agree though that IMO the children deserve to know of the situation at some point due to medical/genetic concerns.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:32 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,484 posts, read 42,625,899 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
As you have pointed out, there are reasons for not telling "too" soon.



TBH, I don't think any of us knows exactly what we would have done when. Anything you say can be misinterpreted, e.g. "broken womb", "nice lady", etc. At 18 they at least know "the facts of life".
I’m not saying that you do not have other age appropriate conversations, as the years go on.

Last edited by gentlearts; 05-04-2018 at 05:44 PM..
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:53 PM
 
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Lies are typically not a good idea.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot View Post
Of course I agree with the general point of wanting to know one's health history, but this specific detail seems so odd to me. Women who were adopted get different care during pregnancy?
My kids are adopted with no known medical history from their bio families. I have been surprised how many more tests doctors run because they don't have a family history. Its also come up a lot because there wasn't a given history of them prior and during birth. So there has been tons of extra tests and screenings because of that. Even now in their tweens.

I want to add, medical history isn't just about disease. I started a medication for a common medical issue and was asked to ask my parents how they responded to different medications to treat it. This shaped my own treatment plan. But also I know when my mom/grandmas/etc went through menopause and it gives me a general time table to what is normal in my family.

I mean, there are so many things we get to look for in our families medical history, I think we don't even notice because its how it always was. I didn't really notice until I am realizing we don't have that for my kids.

Another issue is my son was being screened for a genetic issue and they couldn't do the whole battery of tests because we didn't have DNA samples from his bio parents. So we never got a full answer. Not that you can hunt down donors to get their DNA...but its good to know your starting place.

We looked into donor embryos once and the medical information was not complete. It was similar to a good health exam, but by far from what you could find out if you could just call your bio mom and ask her.

Last edited by HighFlyingBird; 05-04-2018 at 05:03 PM..
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Old 05-04-2018, 05:35 PM
 
23,883 posts, read 31,091,558 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by desperatedogadvice View Post
An interesting question came up recently in my social circle. An acquaintance had fertility issues and conceived three children from donor eggs. The donor was anonymous and it was all run through a fertility clinic. One of the children is turning 18 and going off to college. She is debating telling her child about her method of conception as it does have some health history implications. As far as I know in our state, these records are sealed as to the identity of the donor, but the resulting child can find out information about health matters. There is actually a movement to unseal the records for the bio children to meet the donors but that has not happened yet.

So if you were in this situation, would you tell your child? Why or why not?
I definitely would. I can't imagine why anyone would NOT.
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Old 05-05-2018, 09:23 AM
 
3,631 posts, read 9,221,094 times
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There are going to be no secrets in the near future. With the DNA research that can be done and all that is public thru sites like Ancestry and such, a little sleuthing is all that is necessary to establish family lines.

You can wish it would not be that way all you want, but the genie is out of the bottle as they say.

A first cousin of my husband who was adopted used DNA to find his bio family.
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